When will this pain end

[Nongler4545]

Hey, been here a while and recently I finally thought I was through the worst of it, until this week.

It’s been 12 months to the week that me and my bpd ex (non diagnosed) split up. I’ve learnt a lot, worked on myself, went back to education to improve myself, worked on my business, trained and ate properly but I always had that hope of reconciliation. She helped the hope by being there when she needed me, sleeping with me, turning up at my door etc.

She shows the usual signs, black and white, devaluation, idealisation, love bombing, addictions (alcohol especially but sex too) I’ve read some great books “walking on egg shells” in particular helped a lot.

So 5 weeks ago I see her with another guy, either way it was a knife to my heart despite me knowing she had slept around after me, seeing it hurt. So I sent her a message in a very diplomatic way telling her that it hurt but I’ve given up and I’m done with the fantasy I had of reconciling, she replied that hopefully it would have given me closure and that she will always be there for me as a friend.

So haven’t spoken or see her for 5 weeks, I’ve tried keeping busy and I’m talking to other women but my ex is still in my thoughts, it’s like she has dug her claws in me but left the tips inside me, I just can’t seem to shake her from my mind.

This week was tough as I realised the anniversary of our breakup, just memories came flooding back, tough to even process. I live on the same street as her unfortunately and we are in a residents what’s app group, it’s all about the community etc, she never participates in the group except this week, with us all being in lockdown she has been on the group saying how she is helping all the pensioners in her street, now don’t get me wrong, this is nice but it feels like attention seeking to me rather than doing it for the right reasons, now everyone in the group is saying she is a hero etc and I’m getting so wound up at this! I know I shouldn’t but my ego has been severely damaged at the hands of this woman and I feel Like she got away with hurting me with no remorse or regret shown by her, seeing everyone gushing over how amazing she is cuts me deep.

I’m trying to separate the deed she is doing from my own personal feeling towards her but it’s hard.

I want to get over her, I feel addicted to her, feel like I have no explanation to why she ended it suddenly and I know I am unlikely to get that but it just leaves you in limbo!

I would seriously never get in to another relationship with a bpd sufferer, the idealisation is so intense and amazing but the discard is horrific, truly the worst pain ever. It’s not worth it, I’m still repairing myself from it and it’s frustrating to say the least.

I’ll gladly help anyone who is suffering with rejection from a bpd ex, I’ve been through it and still am but I’m sure I could help in one form or another.

[PantherRJ]

You’re not alone. Almost 3 weeks for me and I can’t imagine enduring  this pain for so long as you did. Everybody keep saying it will get better. I went from being “his soul mate” to the most disgusting creature in 24 hours. Then I got silence treatment the following week and a brutal final discard where he laughed at me and said things I will never have courage to share with anyone. We deserve better don’t we? Take care!

[Lucky Jim]

I sent her a message in a very diplomatic way telling her that it hurt but I’ve given up and I’m done with the fantasy I had of reconciling, she replied that hopefully it would have given me closure and that she will always be there for me as a friend.

Hey Nongler, In a way you are lucky because your Ex confirmed that things are over, so there is no point in entertaining the idea of a recycle, something a lot of us have done, including me.  Yes, it hurts.  I suggest you turn the focus from her back to you, by treating yourself with kindness and consideration.  

I predict that, at some point, you will be grateful to have moved on.  In the meantime, I suggest you acknowledge your feelings as they arise, observe them and then process them.  How to process?  Write in a journal, talk to a close friend or family member, meet with a therapist, take a walk outdoors in nature, get exercise, etc.  You get the idea!

LuckyJim

[Martin 123]

I feel understand the pain it causes. Today 3 months after the discard. I was randomly watching instagram stories and a page i follow shared her comment. Why do this strange coincidence happen just when i feel im recovering from this horrible trauma? I understand how you feel when she says she will be there for you. Its just so cold. My ex told me the same before blocking me. I never even knew she would be capable of doing such kind of things during the love bombing phase. How can she switch so radically it turned into one of the most disturbing moments of my life. I think unless they are treated they will repeat the same cycle behaviour so we should feel bad about them for having this condition. The worst i think is we non  bpd have to experience this pain while they seem like it never happened. I dont know if ill ever be able to forgive.

[Nongler4545]

You’re not alone. Almost 3 weeks for me and I can’t imagine enduring  this pain for so long as you did. Everybody keep saying it will get better. I went from being “his soul mate” to the most disgusting creature in 24 hours. Then I got silence treatment the following week and a brutal final discard where he laughed at me and said things I will never have courage to share with anyone. We deserve better don’t we? Take care!

I'm so sorry you had to endure this ice cold behaviour, it is brutal.

Only advice to give you is to keep busy, new hobbies, something different to anything you did with him, I was terrible for visiting old places or did things that we shared together so I was just torturing myself.

I have also written a list of her BPD behaviours and i read it daily to remind me its not me and not my fault.

Thinking back do you see the red flags now?

[Nongler4545]

Hey Nongler, In a way you are lucky because your Ex confirmed that things are over, so there is no point in entertaining the idea of a recycle, something a lot of us have done, including me.  Yes, it hurts.  I suggest you turn the focus from her back to you, by treating yourself with kindness and consideration.  

I predict that, at some point, you will be grateful to have moved on.  In the meantime, I suggest you acknowledge your feelings as they arise, observe them and then process them.  How to process?  Write in a journal, talk to a close friend or family member, meet with a therapist, take a walk outdoors in nature, get exercise, etc.  You get the idea!

LuckyJim

Thankyou, I just get bad days every now and again but they are getting less frequent.

[Nongler4545]

I feel understand the pain it causes. Today 3 months after the discard. I was randomly watching instagram stories and a page i follow shared her comment. Why do this strange coincidence happen just when i feel im recovering from this horrible trauma? I understand how you feel when she says she will be there for you. Its just so cold. My ex told me the same before blocking me. I never even knew she would be capable of doing such kind of things during the love bombing phase. How can she switch so radically it turned into one of the most disturbing moments of my life. I think unless they are treated they will repeat the same cycle behaviour so we should feel bad about them for having this condition. The worst i think is we non  bpd have to experience this pain while they seem like it never happened. I dont know if ill ever be able to forgive.

I have had so many coincedences, its mad!

I get you, the night before she was literally creaming over us and how I was the one, she loved me so much then next morning she ended it, it was like a death, she disappeared and I was left to pick up the pieces.

I have a video that she recorded of me, her, my son and our dogs singing, laughing and we all look so happy including her, she even sent it to her family whats app group...….. this was the day before she ended it, to go from that happiness to nothing I couldn't get my logical mind around it.

I do feel for her, my compassionate side is something she really fed off and cherished however I am doing my best to do my own dissociation, she is ill, she didn't chose this, she truly did love me in that moment, she is unbelievably unhappy and always will be, that inner pain is off the scale and for that I feel so so sorry for her.

I know she will come back in to my orbit one day, its inevitable, i'm a very high value person when she needs me for moral support or some attention. But I am not the only one, I just fit in at a certain time in her life.

I had the most happiest times of my life with her and I learnt so much about myself and that is something I will always hold close to my heart, the devaluation though was the worst feeling ever.

[PantherRJ]

Thinking back do you see the red flags now?

Yes unfortunately I saw the red flags and ignored them because I was already falling in love. BIG mistake...