Can't Make Sense of What Happened

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I’m deploying for wild-fire season shortly and I could really use help making sense of my last days with a woman before I ruminate forever. I met a girl online who seemed to be the dream girl. Due to her busy last weeks of class & then pandemic our relationship was 90% long distance. She was sweet, kind, positive, happy & seemed very emotionally intelligent. I’ll skip the good honeymoon description but our relationship evolved to long calls, falling asleep on the phone, plans to visit me in the summer (even before meeting me), plans when I get back, virtual walks etc. She thinks im amazing, supportive and has never felt this way before, and it kinda scares her. A lot of cutesey _____. She did have an abusive dad, anxiety, she thinks she has CTPSD, said shes not too good at being open with feelings.

Anyways its all good till Easter.   
\- Mon, Tues, Wed - She gets sick, We cancel our planned hike Thursday   
\- Thurs - Talk on phone briefly. Tells me she gets overwhelmed sometimes & needs a lot of time alone, but its not me. I leave her be, she thanks me.   
\- Friday I say 'thinking of you' come night. She says im amazing and is scared of losing me to this, and tells me all she is anxious of Work, school, virus, taxes, to do list, our date.   
\- Saturday – texts me shes feeling better, thanks me, asks me out to the beach Monday. Goes distant at night and ignores my call.   
\- Sunday -  I call asking if shes still okay, she says shes still not great but were still on.   
\- Monday - at beach, starts okay but she says shes not doing well and bails after an hour or so. Says sorry and feels like shes disappointing me. I say she doesn’t have to apologize for taking care of herself. Texts me at home saying she is still overwhelmed, isnt equipped to talk all day & say good morning & feels pressure to keep being good, she needs to step back and get better. I say okay and give her three days without saying anything before texting “I’m thinking of you, hope youre doing okay. Take all the time you need. I understand completely.”

She responds saying she is not interested & can see this relationship wont be good and has had concerns for a bit. I asked what those are considering we have had zero issues and was scared to lose me a few days back. She said her concern is how shes feeling. She feels I had not been respectful of her boundaries when needing time alone, and that I got closer than 6 a couple of times at the beach and that my last text left a sour taste in her mouth.

I tell her I completely respect her boundaries and that I thought i gave her time. I have texts from her literally saying “Thanks for giving me the time I needed” and “Thank you for being so patient and understanding”. As for the 6 feet thing, she never asked me to move when sitting. I never tried to go near her or touch her. I also remember her saying “You can come closer!” when I was too careful and I even offered to move farther when we sat, as I know she had become anxious about the whole thing as of late.  So I have actual proof of being supportive with thank yous and all and that last text is me being more supportive! She tells me she doesn’t want to get in to it.

I was told it sounds like quiet BPD and that I was "split" but my question is, where did it all go wrong? 
 I know feelings = facts with BPD. Was it everything that had her overwhelmed just caused a splitting episode? Was it the fear of getting too close and the anxiety around us not doing long distance anymore, and it made her split me to get away from those feelings? Did she leave the beach feeling anxious about the virus and blamed me for the feeling? Was she mad I called the day she said she was doing better because she wasn’t actually doing better and that means I wasn’t respecting her? Why ask me on a beach day anyways? Does she actually believe I wasn’t respecting her space or did she need a reason to not feel guilty? Should I be glad I was apparently so good she had to make up something to leave? Why did her previous boyfriend have a whole year with her and I had months if she can do this – is it the timing of her overwhelmed episode?

I never experienced the bad like so many of you. I just saw all the good and then bam, I’m a monster. The worst part is it sounds like a mature reason to leave, so I sometimes ask myself “Did I not respect her boundaries”? But I cant locate when, I have thank you messages, and she didn’t leave the date mad she left it sad about disappointing me and said she'd text me. I don’t want to ruminate anymore and I feel crazy. I just need to know if I screwed up with a good woman or if the whole thing sounds wrong. The contradictions have left me unsure.

[Glef]

I’m deploying for wild-fire season shortly and I could really use help making sense of my last days with a woman before I ruminate forever. I met a girl online who seemed to be the dream girl. Due to her busy last weeks of class & then pandemic our relationship was 90% long distance. She was sweet, kind, positive, happy & seemed very emotionally intelligent. I’ll skip the good honeymoon description but our relationship evolved to long calls, falling asleep on the phone, plans to visit me in the summer (even before meeting me), plans when I get back, virtual walks etc. She thinks im amazing, supportive and has never felt this way before, and it kinda scares her. A lot of cutesey _____. She did have an abusive dad, anxiety, she thinks she has CTPSD, said shes not too good at being open with feelings.

Anyways its all good till Easter.   
\- Mon, Tues, Wed - She gets sick, We cancel our planned hike Thursday   
\- Thurs - Talk on phone briefly. Tells me she gets overwhelmed sometimes & needs a lot of time alone, but its not me. I leave her be, she thanks me.   
\- Friday I say 'thinking of you' come night. She says im amazing and is scared of losing me to this, and tells me all she is anxious of Work, school, virus, taxes, to do list, our date.   
\- Saturday – texts me shes feeling better, thanks me, asks me out to the beach Monday. Goes distant at night and ignores my call.   
\- Sunday -  I call asking if shes still okay, she says shes still not great but were still on.   
\- Monday - at beach, starts okay but she says shes not doing well and bails after an hour or so. Says sorry and feels like shes disappointing me. I say she doesn’t have to apologize for taking care of herself. Texts me at home saying she is still overwhelmed, isnt equipped to talk all day & say good morning & feels pressure to keep being good, she needs to step back and get better. I say okay and give her three days without saying anything before texting “I’m thinking of you, hope youre doing okay. Take all the time you need. I understand completely.”

She responds saying she is not interested & can see this relationship wont be good and has had concerns for a bit. I asked what those are considering we have had zero issues and was scared to lose me a few days back. She said her concern is how shes feeling. She feels I had not been respectful of her boundaries when needing time alone, and that I got closer than 6 a couple of times at the beach and that my last text left a sour taste in her mouth.

I tell her I completely respect her boundaries and that I thought i gave her time. I have texts from her literally saying “Thanks for giving me the time I needed” and “Thank you for being so patient and understanding”. As for the 6 feet thing, she never asked me to move when sitting. I never tried to go near her or touch her. I also remember her saying “You can come closer!” when I was too careful and I even offered to move farther when we sat, as I know she had become anxious about the whole thing as of late.  So I have actual proof of being supportive with thank yous and all and that last text is me being more supportive! She tells me she doesn’t want to get in to it.

I was told it sounds like quiet BPD and that I was "split" but my question is, where did it all go wrong? 
 I know feelings = facts with BPD. Was it everything that had her overwhelmed just caused a splitting episode? Was it the fear of getting too close and the anxiety around us not doing long distance anymore, and it made her split me to get away from those feelings? Did she leave the beach feeling anxious about the virus and blamed me for the feeling? Was she mad I called the day she said she was doing better because she wasn’t actually doing better and that means I wasn’t respecting her? Why ask me on a beach day anyways? Does she actually believe I wasn’t respecting her space or did she need a reason to not feel guilty? Should I be glad I was apparently so good she had to make up something to leave? Why did her previous boyfriend have a whole year with her and I had months if she can do this – is it the timing of her overwhelmed episode?

I never experienced the bad like so many of you. I just saw all the good and then bam, I’m a monster. The worst part is it sounds like a mature reason to leave, so I sometimes ask myself “Did I not respect her boundaries”? But I cant locate when, I have thank you messages, and she didn’t leave the date mad she left it sad about disappointing me and said she'd text me. I don’t want to ruminate anymore and I feel crazy. I just need to know if I screwed up with a good woman or if the whole thing sounds wrong. The contradictions have left me unsure.

[MadHatter25]

Hi Glef - I feel you.  I never experienced the bad either.  I experienced something similar.  She went cold after a great weekend together.  I tried to give her space but I could feel her slipping away.  You look back and see if you missed the signs and wonder what you could have done differently.  But the reality is you can't be perfect all of the time.  And you shouldn't have to be.  It still hurts for me and I've killed my self trying to figure out what went wrong.  From what I'm told it doesn't have to be something that went wrong.  It's emotionally based and may not even be for any reason at all.  It doesn't have to make sense to you.  It just has to make sense for them.  It's absolutely maddening.  Everything just tossed out the window like garbage.  I wish I had an answer for you but all I can say is I understand what you are going through.

[Glef]

Hi Glef - I feel you.  I never experienced the bad either.  I experienced something similar.  She went cold after a great weekend together.  I tried to give her space but I could feel her slipping away.  You look back and see if you missed the signs and wonder what you could have done differently.  But the reality is you can't be perfect all of the time.  And you shouldn't have to be.  It still hurts for me and I've killed my self trying to figure out what went wrong.  From what I'm told it doesn't have to be something that went wrong.  It's emotionally based and may not even be for any reason at all.  It doesn't have to make sense to you.  It just has to make sense for them.  It's absolutely maddening.  Everything just tossed out the window like garbage.  I wish I had an answer for you but all I can say is I understand what you are going through.

Thank you. I can't stop wondering if I found my match and I ruined it, or why her ex got a year with her while I got like 3 months. It makes me feel defective. I can't find stories of short relationships where they discard, do you know if it does happen?

All I can figure is that the intimacy and engulfment fears were at the core of this along with guilt, hence her lines about a fear of dissapointing me. I responded positively to her initial enthusiasm because I thought I found my match too.

[once removed]

I met a girl online who seemed to be the dream girl. Due to her busy last weeks of class & then pandemic our relationship was 90% long distance. She was sweet, kind, positive, happy & seemed very emotionally intelligent. I’ll skip the good honeymoon description but our relationship evolved to long calls, falling asleep on the phone, plans to visit me in the summer (even before meeting me), plans when I get back, virtual walks etc. She thinks im amazing, supportive and has never felt this way before, and it kinda scares her. A lot of cutesey PLEASE READ.

"where it all went wrong" is not entirely clear. she gave you clues...i would bet some money that they are just pieces of a bigger puzzle.

a whirlwind, passionate relationship can be a beautiful, fun thing.

it can also be very misleading.

you can spend 24 hours talking to a person, each exchanging life stories, and connect on a passionate level. ive done it a number of times myself. it can be misleading in that intensity can be mistaken for intimacy. it can feel like youve met your soulmate, when in fact, really and truly, you dont really know each other yet. that same person you spent 24 hours talking to may not actually appreciate it on the same level, may even barely remember it the next day (im using an example, not saying that is what happened here).

I can't stop wondering if I found my match and I ruined it, or why her ex got a year with her while I got like 3 months. It makes me feel defective.

more than likely, you did not meet your match, and you did not ruin it.

more than likely, the two of you just werent on the same page, and didnt pan out. it happens 

it hurts like crazy because you invested strongly, and i think anyone involved in something so passionate would be hurt and wanting for answers.

as i said, the answers arent entirely clear.

i suspect that her affections and plans were overstatements. not that she didnt mean them, but in the same way that ive probably told every girl ive dated that they are "the most beautiful girl in the world", or girls have told me im "the best boyfriend ever".

has had concerns for a bit

and i suspect that underneath all of that, more was going on that you werent privy to. what that was is hard to say. maybe she had doubts. maybe shes fickle. maybe others were in the picture. this is the case in virtually every breakup...we just often arent privy to it.

She tells me she doesn’t want to get in to it.

this is speculation, but its also possible that the reasons that she gave you may have been more in hindsight, than a reflection of what she was feeling at the time. kinda like (crude example) when youre dating someone, you love everything about them, all their ways and quirks, and then when you break up, all those things drive you up a wall.