Should I stay or should I go?

[Magic Man]

 
Just wondering is there is any help or hope that somehow healing can/will happen. 
My wife exhibits all traits of BPD with a side of BP2.
I only have one friend that I confide in, thank you Lord.
It's rough as you all know.  I am 75 years old and have had a triple stroke on Jan 20th.  That lead to a clot in my heart that had to be removed on Jan 30th.  I'm recovering nicely, however my eyesight is not quite good enough to drive.  So I cannot leave the house.  I have other restrictions as well. 
1.  Don't talk to people that are passing by.
2.  Don't pet dogs
3.  Don't listen to music
4.  Stay off your damn phone, stop texting.
5.  Don't use your virtual reality goggles
6.  Don't put the small sticks in the neighbors pile even though he welcomed me to do so.
7.  I could go on, but you all know the drill.

Am doing vision restoration therapy now
 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[UBPDHelp]

Just wondering is there is any help or hope that somehow healing can/will happen. 
My wife exhibits all traits of BPD with a side of BP2.
I only have one friend that I confide in, thank you Lord.
It's rough as you all know.  I am 75 years old and have had a triple stroke on Jan 20th.  That lead to a clot in my heart that had to be removed on Jan 30th.  I'm recovering nicely, however my eyesight is not quite good enough to drive.  So I cannot leave the house.  I have other restrictions as well. 
1.  Don't talk to people that are passing by.
2.  Don't pet dogs
3.  Don't listen to music
4.  Stay off your damn phone, stop texting.
5.  Don't use your virtual reality goggles
6.  Don't put the small sticks in the neighbors pile even though he welcomed me to do so.
7.  I could go on, but you all know the drill.

Am doing vision restoration therapy now
 

Hi Magic Man,

Welcome!  Sorry you have found yourself here.

And, sorry about your stroke. I am impressed at how well you have recovered. Congratulations on your progress! 

So, I am on seeking help for my own relationship and therefore can’t offer great advice. There are AMAZING people on here that will offer so much support. For now, I would encourage you to share some specifics of what is going on with your wife when you are able.

The list of dos/don’ts I assume is from your wife. Is this since the stroke or did she expect these things prior?  If you don’t follow the “rules”, what happens?

How long have you seen behavior that you would classify as BPD?  Any stressors that bring/brought on the behavior?

So, as I mentioned, please share a bit more around what is happening. Others will be along to help so the more you can share will help them help you. You are safe here (clear your search history and close out the browser tab — let us know if you need help with that).

I will watch for your follow up...take care.

[Magic Man]

Yes, that list is her restrictions for me.  But at least I know exactly what bugs her about me and its only two things.  So my list of stuff to improve on is very limited. 

My list of what bugs her:
1. Everything I do
2. Everything I say 

It seems that during a stressful time in our lives, she really looses it. 

5 years ago our only son married his girlfriend that my wife hated.  That was stressful.  4 years ago I had a mitral valve the needed to be repaired.  That was stressful.  Just this past January 20th I had a triple stroke with open heart surgery to remove the fibron clot.  That was stressful.  Now we are in the COVID 19 crap.  That is stressful. 

In between the most stressful times are just OK times to really fun times. Our love story is unique.    We have been married since September 1972.  Neither of us has ever cheated on the other.  Sex life?  No worries, it does not exist.  She never liked sex.

I was told by a counselor about 5 years ago to just leave and start over.  He said that there is no one in his practice that would take on a BPD.  There is nothing but grief dealing with them. 

I made a decision to stick it out no matter what.  I guess I am just looking for a sounding board because I'm stuck here with no way to have any time away.  My job was traveling to various utilities to provide diagnostic help with high voltage electrical systems.  Since my stroke, I cannot do much of anything for my work.  Just developing a webinar to keep myself sane.

Oh well, I do have a very good friend that I can confide in, which helps for sanity checks.  I feel that this forum will be a big help as well.

Thank you all in advance for whatever you can provide.

Magic Man

BTW, I am a professional magician, thus the name.

[once removed]

It seems that during a stressful time in our lives, she really looses it. 

this is important to know about your wife. people with BPD, and BPD traits, do not handle stress well.

I made a decision to stick it out no matter what.  I guess I am just looking for a sounding board because I'm stuck here with no way to have any time away. 

we understand and support your decision. this board exists to, ideally, help your relationship get on a healthier, happier trajectory, and at worst, help you make the best of a tough situation. to answer your question, yes, there is hope.

help us get a better feel for your circumstances and back story.

what are some of the most difficult things between the two of you, in say, the last year or so? what led up to them?

[Magic Man]

Sometimes it seems more than I can take.  Such a beautiful sunshine day and will do anything to ruin it.  Instead of trying to be happy, she does her level best to be down in the dumps over nothing.  We live comfortably with no money problems.  Our son is a grown man of 42, very successful businessman.  He married a woman that is 8 years younger and is a PA.  Between the two of them, they are a power couple with no money issues either.  They have 2 children, healthy and happy.  We have a house in the country that is paid for and a house at the beach that is being paid for from social security.  What I am trying to say is, that we should be soo happy and carefree, but she has to find fault with every word out of my mouth and everything I do.  It does not matter how small, its an issue that must be argued to death.  I go quiet and will not say a word or make a sound when she gets like that.  It does not faze her, she can go on for an hour without any problem.  I have secretly recorded her rants, then delete them.  Its too depressing to listen again.  I have no one that would want to listen to them either.  Five years ago we went to a therapy program.  Cost us over 3 grand.  The therapist told me at the end of our sessions, I better get some private help to keep me healthy.  Now that the 5 years has past, my BPD claims that our therapist said that I was the problem and she was thinking clearly.  Just twisting the reality.  I try to remain calm and tell my self that its just a mental illness that is incurable, its my cross to bare.  I spend time praying for healing for her and have been waiting, expectantly, hoping that today will be different.  Groundhog day every day.  She doesn't think that she has any BP issues.  She found out 5 years ago that I suspected this behavior from our therapist.  I bought a book of dialectical process and left it for her to find.  She found it and I never saw it again, nor did she ever mention it. 

I feel that I have reached the end of my rope and need to make a major change.  There is no end in sight and it is getting really old.  I'm stuck here during the virus shut down.  She took my car keys and house keys so that I wouldn't leave.  She took my battery pack for my cell phone, she took my pistol, she took my iphone, she took my virtual reality goggles. She tried to take my head set for listening to music, but I pulled it away and I keep it hidden well.   If I ask for any of them back nicely, it starts a big fight.  If I demand them, it starts a big fight.  If I don't mention anything about them, it starts a big fight, etc. etc.

I got really angry and started to take stuff that she wanted and needed.  I hid the TV remotes, and her booze.  She really freaked out.  I said I would give them back if she would not fight all the time.  I didn't even ask for my stuff, just the fighting to end.  She didn't want to talk about it, and just blamed me for being immature and a f'n PLEASE READ head.  That went no where.  Oh well.

MM

Any suggestions would be much appreciated. 

[xadingo]

I'm new and I think I just read it's against the rules for me to say "just go"...    Sounds like things are pretty awful right now though. 

Any chance you could find a way to get to the beach house for a while? 

Do you wish you'd left at 70?