Recent break up, ending badly

[Quarenm6]

Finding bpdfamily has given me relief in itself, to know so many other people are struggling with this. I have been in a relationship the past year and a half, that of course started off dreamy and even still has glimpses of what I wish it to be. My ex partner has what I believe is undiagnosed bpd and is on a downward spiral. I’ve allowed myself to be distanced from all of my friends throughout this relationship. It’s amazing how she was able to find reasons to hate almost every single person I know. So it feels good to vent. My exes outbursts, controlling jealousy and irrational mindset have taken everything out of me. She has gotten physical many times, the most recent being the worst yet. We had broken up for a month, she started seeing someone new, I had reconnected with an old fling. But we got back together and I made a decision to not tell her about this fling because I was afraid of the consequences. She found out and lost her mind. We were not together but I am now considered a cheater. I got kicked out of our apartment, had to sit in the rain for hours because she took my phone and keys, mind you I have recently tested positive for covid. I left with a black and blue face, the rest of my body feels like I was in a bad car accident. I am struggling with letting her go. It’s a struggle acknowledging that I love someone who has been so terrible to me. She kicks me out, but begs for me back, it’s been a never ending cycle that I know I allow to continue. Are there any suggestions on leaving an abusive partner that you love dearly? Thank you if you’ve read.

[Gemsforeyes]

Oh my dear friend ...

I am so very sorry to hear what you’re going through.  The most important thing right now, and you know this, is that you attend to your physical health and well-being.  We can address your emotional health and steps toward Detaching in a few days.

For now, your focus must be SAFETY FIRST.  I’m sorry that I cannot do links.  Please look around here, there is a section here that connects you to SAFETY information.

Violence is NEVER okay.  It is NEVER acceptable or excusable.  NEVER.  And you were injured at the hands of someone you love and “trusted”. 

I need to ask - are you physically safe and can you stay safely away from her for awhile?

Are you in a place, location-wise, where you can be sure to properly heal from the virus?  This is a time where only YOU matter.  Against ALL your head is telling you, You’ve GOT to disengage from your phone and her contacting you and see to your health.  Will you please do that? 

For the time being, it cannot matter what she is saying, or how she is apologizing.  Though chances are she is blaming you for the fact that she assaulted you.  This is NOT your responsibility.

If you have not already done so, please contact a local DV (domestic violence) resource for assistance.  You can speak anonymously with the people there.  You deserve all the encouragement and support you can get right now.  You deserve support, regardless of what she may be saying to you.  Please know this, my friend.

Can you look to family or friends for support?  Now is the time to share honestly what has taken place.  That will be your first step toward facing what has taken place... all that you’ve been through.  However if that gives you discomfort, then tell your story here until you’re ready to share it “live”.

I’m sorry for rambling.  It’s very late here, so I’ll check in with you tomorrow (later today).  But for now, please know that I hold you safely in my thoughts, my heart.

Please stay with us.  This is a safe place for you to share anything you wish, without judgement.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Quarenm6]

Thank you so much for replying, that was a very kind post. Yes I am in a hotel and safe. I will look into DV resources, that actually sounds like it could help. I have told a couple family members where I am, but it’s still hard for me to tell them the extent of our last fight. I think it’s mostly not wanting them to hate her anymore than they do, I can’t get rid of the hope that she will miraculously make any positive changes. Being trapped in here really gets to my head. I have her blocked everywhere except email, I can’t figure out a way to block an email address. I have marked her email as spam but there’s so much anxiety in me to check what she is sending me. I hate how I sound so pathetic but I’m really going to try to not respond to any of her emails today. I think cutting off communication is probably one of the best ways of moving on?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Quarenm6, Your task, I suggest, is to learn to love yourself enough that you will never again allow yourself to be the object of anyone's abuse.  Self-love and self-acceptance sound easy, but are actually pretty hard for us Nons.  It's time to focus on yourself, with care and compassion.  Abuse is unacceptable.

LuckyJim