I certainly don't want to give the idea that "understanding background" is of little value. I think the greatest value in understanding background is to understand that you (nons) didn't cause this. Next value is understanding that there is little chance of directly "getting them help" or "getting them to see the light".
Then value in seeing how we "play into" or "exacerbate" this (very very different than causation)
I get this. And totally agree. I am very much a quiet thinker trying to understand the why. It is hard to know if I/we can even know if the BPD “why” is what we suspect, probably in part because they don’t know why.
But, yes, for this I at least want to know what I did to “flip that switch” for him. I don’t do an actual thing I would change, but I might totally be open to changing
how I do it or how I approach him with it.
One of my biggest issues right now is just having this all straight in my head. If this, then that. And then this changes, now what?
"Directly getting help": There is a reason why stories of BPDs seeing the light.."getting help" and "getting better" are so rare...
My wife has been part of a crisis intervention team in her school. Get's trained about the amygdala and lots of strategies to "regulate emotions" or "return people to baseline".
Many times in our arguments (talks..whatever) she will reference a strategy she learned and attempt it.
This is "safe" because she learned this without it "being about her" or "her being wrong".
Well, my H takes credit for everything, so if I told him, soon thereafter it would be his idea. Just kidding.
That’s a really great idea and your wife sounds like her true intent is positive. So, do you feel that she just has a hard time around certain topics/emotions? I know money/taxes has tripped her up before. And I know about your secret love child ...but identifiable trigger...remind me?
Interestingly, my H is a huge tv freak. He NEEDS this right now. It is akin to tv volume in that he puts on mindless tv for hours I believe to drown out his thoughts. He has some favorite reality shows and recently in one of them, one of the main characters is angry. Just says he doesn’t know why, but he’s just angry. We’ve watched for years and the guy definitely has some type of PD, not convinced it’s BPDish, more likely sociopath/NPD. H was riveted and at attention. I made an off the cuff comment like, funny they’re all just figuring out he has a PD. We both laughed, but truthfully I was trying to plant a seed that this is an actual thing.
In the last month, after his last episode, he told me there was something wrong with him. He felt it was more about freaking out about pandemic, but his intense reactions to situations requiring less intensity I believe makes his ability to deal with them and then other smaller issues almost impossible. Can you decipher my point?
Regarding embellished stories or stories with a "flair".
I would chuckle when asked about a facet and respond..."My husband is a much better story teller than me.."
This is so much better than my dumbstruck look and stumbling over my words.
Regarding pressure on kids and "suggestions": When you hubby states his truth...I think you should consider stating yours...succintly or perhaps engage your kid in their truth. (many times parenting is about listening...or at least listening first)
hubby: "Blah blah blah school xyz is the best."
you: "Johnny...what schools are you considering?" (note the plural in schools)
you: "It's important to get a school that matches the student. Johnny..how do you see that happening for you?"
Do you get the vibe here?
Yes. I do try to do this. Our oldest is able to speak their mind and doesn’t like me to support, mostly because H has an almost knee jerk reaction to disagree with me. I try to stay out of this unless asked.
Our middle is way more reserved and would rather stay away from him. I’ve been trying to prevent bulldozing here but when the opportunity arises to let us all set that straight, kid 2 is too timid to say to dad. Kid 2 gets there but on own terms and time.
The other two are still youngish and it’s more about ice cream and staying up late. Manageable.
Regarding taking credit: I would come up with a good reason...really good reason, before trying to "correct" this.
Likely a great place for "and also"..
For instance: We home schooled for a while. Worked out really great for us for a while. Then we moved to a place where we were excited about schools, so we started sending our kids to public school. Luckily, since then we've liked the schools.
From time to time my wife "takes credit" for our oldest and "blames" the relative low achievement of others on public school.
Other times her comments are more measured.
I can't imagine any benefit coming from "knocking down" her view, yet that doesn't mean I can't "and also" (build up other things, without knocking her down)
Bottom line on lots of this stuff: Many people with PDs try to stay dichotomous. Right/wrong...yes/no...good/bad. It's soo easy to get caught up in that.
Try to stay "win win". "And also" can really help get you there.
Interesting. I’ll have to think if this would work for us. Maybe in a lot of circumstances.
Here’s the stupid (I hate this word, btw, but unavoidable sometimes) sh!t (sorry, but I do enjoy profanity on occasion
he does. We made plans to celebrate a couple kid things. I ordered party supplies to use for them. H decided to take posed pictures of the kids who were celebrating. He said nothing to me, just did it. No biggie even though I would have liked to be part of it. Anyway, he didn’t know the party stuff came (wasn’t paying attention and we hold for a day or two and then wash it down, which I had already done). He sent pictures (hero dad. Okay). I went and grabbed one of the party items for the picture and gave it to him. He walked up to kid’s room and said, let’s take the pictures again because
I got you this. Nope, he didn’t. I did. It’s not a big deal, I said nothing but this happens all the time. Some big, some small. Heaven forbid he doesn’t get credit. He can relate literally everything to his great idea.
So, yes, I can just not correct it. But I do believe this reinforces his need more...that’s a big part of why it bothers me, but also his truth is further from the truth each time
Thanks FF.
