He really is going to do everything he can to disrupt me

[palynne]

This thread is continued from this discussion:https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=344063.30

I am not feeling very strong this evening. After all the nonsense this morning with his accusations and no explanation of the money he took from account, I see he charged a home inspection to our card. I am just feeling worn down already. So sad and tired and jerked around. I have got to find a way to make it in between my once a week therapy calls. I have been going for walks and trying to contact friends, but I am so darn distracted and anxious and miserable. I guess he really is going to do everything he can to disrupt me. Sorry to feel so bad for myself.

[GaGrl]

Why did he charge a home inspection? Do you think he is trying to sell the house from under you? What is the status of a temporary hearing?

Deep breathes!

We're here.

[ForeverDad]

This is his "black or white" thinking that is so dominant with pwBPD.  Either you are all good or all bad.  He can't or won't see the gray areas of life in between.  You haven't been passively accepting, compliant, appeasing or submissive and so now he sees you as his enemy.  You're not, but that's how he interprets his feelings and perceptions.

I've often written that once I was in the final months before my marriage's implosion she saw me a Mr Evil Personified.  So of course my then-spouse felt free to wage war against her former best friend and spouse of 15 years.  That started in 2005 and went on for years.  Now that my son is grown it is better though her triggers are still there and are sometimes touch and go.

You are facing the emotional toll of unwinding the marriage, he's not making it easy for you.  Rather, he's making it as hard for you as he can, he sees only his disordered viewpoint.  Sadly, that is to be expected.  Many here have remarked that you have to set aside the emotional aspect, as best you can, and try to handle this like your lawyer does, an unwinding of the years-long relationship using businesslike perspective and methods.

[CoherentMoose]

Hello.  Sorry to hear you're in such a struggle.  Please take time to practice self-care.  For me, running helps.  I also journal a lot when stressed.  I've heard others will use a scented candle, take a relaxing bubble bath (Calgon! Take me away...), put on music.  Whatever helps to unwind, if only for a little.  Be well.  Take care and God Bless.  jdc

[worriedStepmom]

If you're struggling between weekly therapy visits, it might be worthwhile to ask your doctor to screen you for anxiety and depression.  It's normal to be upset and anxious to a certain extent, but it's possible that yours has moved into the range that might benefit from temporary medical help - especially given that all of this stress is happening in the midst of a pandemic where you're stuck at home.  There are mild antidepressants or anti-anxiety medications that might help you for now.

[MeandThee29]

This is his "black or white" thinking that is so dominant with pwBPD.  Either you are all good or all bad.  He can't or won't see the gray areas of life in between.  You haven't been passively accepting, compliant, appeasing or submissive and so now he sees you as his enemy.  You're not, but that's how he interprets his feelings and perceptions.

So very true. You will experience all kinds of vindictive, burn-the-bridges behavior. Sometimes subtle like the home inspection. This just blew my mind because I don't have that in me. My attorney actually lectured me about being too nice more than once.

My attorney (a very experienced attorney in high conflict divorce) stopped using my ex's name a few months in and had all sorts of other names for him like "the boy," "the terrorist," etc. etc. I think that he was trying to move me over to understanding that my ex didn't have my best interests at heart any more and that I had to accept the reality. More than once he noted that he had never in all of his years of practice had a case quite like this. So be ready for a wild one.

I took anti-anxiety medication throughout and was almost off of it when the pandemic hit. I had to go on half dose, but hope to wind that down too at some point.  I also joined a local support group which unfortunately shut down, but my attorney's office provides an online group with a therapist that I've found helpful.

[palynne]

Well it was worse than I could have imagined. His attorney got back and said he is planning on buying a home- the money and home inspection were for that and the kicker... It is three blocks from my house. In my order for protection he can't be 1/4 mile from my house. He chose the one house for sale on MY SAME STREET that is just outside the boundary. I freaked out yesterday- full blown panic attack. Left a message from lawyer(of course I found this out at night), went for a long walk- and could barely sleep. Felt guilty all over again for crying in front of kids. I don't know where he is coming from, but to me it was a sign that he will be torturing me for eternity. I feel so unsafe now. i should have asked for more distance in the order, but that was the standard distance and I could see the future at that point. No idea if he thinks this will help him see the kids or what, but for me it's hell. He also requested through his lawyer that he wants to "join" my eldest in her therapy session to "explain what really happened". Of course this is a no, she needs a safe space that is hers. Also, it is very upsetting that he is obsessing over our oldest but not saying words one about our other 3 kids. Does anyone have a sense of what I'm dealing with. Also, found out he is returning any of my mail receives on accident 'return to sender'.

[worriedStepmom]

In the parenting agreement, you probably want to ask that you have sole right to decide the kids' mental health.  That's been very helpful for my H.

My SD12's mom also wanted to attend her therapy sessions.  It was very clear that her goal was to gaslight SD.   uBPDmom put a lot of pressure on my H and on SD to agree to this.  It was awful.

H and the T finally worked out a plan.  uBPDmom was allowed to talk to the T before SD went into the room (to relate whatever she wanted him to know) and then talk to him again after the session to hear any insights to help in parenting.   SD was not to be in the room with mom and T.   Mom wasn't happy because the T called out the gaslighting.  Since then, mom has been pushing to take SD to "family therapy" with a different therapist.  H refuses.

If he moves that close to you, just remember - you can always move too.

[GaGrl]

Is your restraining order such that your lawyer could file for an emergency hearing to increase the minimum distance? It's not just the distance -- it's that the location will result in his passing your house multiple times a day. That's not good.

[ForeverDad]

Have you filed for divorce or just currently separated?  If only separated he could respond to any petition to increase the distance that he's figuring you two will get back together.  (Of course, that logic fails because why buy a house if he expects to get together again?)

While you may have temp full custody in a temporary order (as my ex did for two years until the final decree) most divorces end with joint (legal) custody.  The courts default to that except for clear reasons otherwise — substantive abuse, neglect or endangerment — since they're reluctant to make a parent feel not a parent anymore.

Most states treat custody as the legal parenting matters and separate it from the actual parenting details such as parenting schedule, vacations, holidays, exchanges, etc.

So if you are concerned you'll be facing joint custody outcome sooner or later, ask your lawyer whether your state or courts allow such concepts as Decision Making or Tie Breaker status when issuing orders for joint custody.  Custody is a term usually applied in many states to major life decisions such as for school, religion, medical and therapy issues, etc.  While DM or TB is not as clear-cut as sole custody, it is to a large extent functionally equivalent.

[palynne]

I did file for divorce, but he didn't sign papers for two weeks so they arrived a court a few days ago. I asked my lawyer to draft extension of distance and my eldest daughter asked me to fill out an ofp for her specifically, which I did. It may result in a new hearing, but I have to do my best by the girls now. I found a domestic violence support group for myself- online but that's life. I was told that it could be months before courts work stuff out and I am ok with that. I may not be able to prevent him from moving down the street- but I can move. I have great friends and neighbors but maybe i could move just a little farther away. I would feel so much better to even have a mile between us. This house was just outside the boundary- I mean I hope this sounds as crazy to others as it does to me. I felt like he was trying to say, "you can't get rid of me, you drew a line and here I am right on the other side". I have been warned that this is going to be long and difficult. I will look into those options you mentioned. I know I am in a no fault state but not much more than that. I am definitely getting guardian ad litems now and am trying not to feel freaked out that he is exclusively mentioning our eldest. I don't know what will happen, but I am going to use every tool i can. One thing I am afraid of is his continuing to exert control over my life. I know some of this is unavoidable, but I desperately want to be in control of my own life as much as possible.

[ForeverDad]

A house may be a home - as it would be under normal circumstances - but a home does not have to be a specific house, apartment, condo, whatever.

I'm addressing the common feeling of many new members here, "I can't uproot the kids from their home."  Every year thousands of kids move for a variety of reasons, family is growing, parents find a new job, etc.  So it's okay to ponder moving.  And if the kids have some trauma with the house, it may be helpful to find a new home as a new safe place.

Hmm, I wonder if your lawyer mentioning to his lawyer that you've been pondering moving may lessen his determination to move to just outside your boundaries.  Of course, with the economy hit hard as it has by society's reaction to this virus, there is a prediction that home prices will fall in the next year or two.  That financial factor also is a consideration.

[ForeverDad]

Another idea, may not be feasible...  You could ask your lawyer whether it was possible to maintain the existing quarter mile distancing but a greater distance for residence?  I'm concerned that the court will eventually seek to relax or end the temp order.  (My ex and I both had TPOs against each other but they only lasted for months, dismissed just as the divorce case was starting with its own temp order.)

Also, I've been pondering your comment that he is only reaching out to the oldest and ignoring the younger children.  If you complain about that then he may respond by trying to contact all of them.  Do you see how one complaint (not treating the children equally) may just change it around and you'll still have concerns?

[palynne]

I am ok with moving and both my stbx and I discussed moving as our growing kids and this house doesn't make the most sense. Right now I can't shake the feeling that i am doomed in this process. I was so confident that with an arrest and evidence of a substance abuse, his bringing up his bpd a lot to lawyers and our history would make my case strong. A few times my lawyer has seemed dismissive of my concerns and keeps reminding me that the courts presume both parents should be there for kids and i keep pointing out laws themselves that say - in cases of domestic violence/substance abuse they can make exceptions to this. Then my lawyer was upset that we got the judge that we did for family court as this judge is "not good with domestic violence" whatever that means and I have read horror stories about kids being forced to see parents who go on to abuse them. I am actually going to call some free legal resources for abused women this week to get some second opinions on my custody issues to make sure I understand what could happen. I am wondering if my trying to hold him to boundaries with the distance and my daughter's ofp will just make him angrier and less rational. In other words, I have been scared stiff since I found out about the house. I know he is scared of court and wants to avoid it from some communication with his last lawyer and wish I could use that to my advantage but I can't see him agreeing to supervised visits. This process sucks- it still blows my mind that partners who are physically abused and frightened have to face their abusers and negotiate with them. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make Family Court trauma focused and not adversarial. Someone has to think of the kids.

[ForeverDad]

Because we are remote and do not know every detail of your circumstances nor how the various lawyers rate in handling our sort of cases, we can't tell you whether to investigate changing lawyers or not.  In his Splitting handbook William Eddy encourages multiple lawyer interviews or consultations to help you determine which lawyers might be a better fit for our sort of cases.  Experienced, proactive, practical strategies, knowledgeable about the local court, etc.

I recall being frustrated with my lawyer at one point.  He had originally estimated my divorce taking 7-9 months.  When it doubled that I asked him whether another lawyer might be better.  We discussed it and he even recommended a couple others.  I consulted with one and I just didn't connect with him, frankly an expensive cold fish.  So I stayed with mine.  Yes, it seemed my lawyer wasn't focused on improving my temp order but I concluded he did know what would work (or not work) for my local court, he did get me through the divorce and together we succeeded.

As for supervised visits, I would imagine most parents would not willingly agree to supervised visitation.  Think, dragged kicking and screaming.   Frankly, our cases may eventually result in some level of settlement but almost always in the early parts of our cases the court has to set the parameters and orders.

You're thinking, "How do I get my ex to agree to supervision or at least a schedule starting with supervision?"  That's defensive thinking.  Be proactive.  "These are the terms I will be advocating in court and here are the basis and reasons."  Sure you probably won't walk out with everything on your dream list but fight for the major aspects that will include both short term solutions and the more important long term solutions too.

My then spouse filed two TPOs against me and I filed two against her.  The court set a default temp order that of course favored her.  She wanted me supervised but within a couple weeks a CPS rep stood up and said they had "no concerns" about me and that never happened.  Mediation failed, one session only.  Parenting Investigation by court's social worker.  Custody Evaluation by a respected child psychologist.  Settlement Conference failed within 5 minutes.  Trial scheduled.  I arrived on Trial Day and was greeted with news that ex was ready to settle, she had a very favorable temp order but couldn't delay the case any longer.

[palynne]

Update on my situation: First of all Forever Dad you are giving me excellent advice and thank you! Secondly, the judge in my case scheduled a hearing for my daughter's ofp and for the request to extend distance in ofp. This caused his lawyer to request a continuance until after the criminal trial he is facing once they start rescheduling court. I agreed to this with my daughter's ofp as he agreed to let the ex parte order stand in the mean time. I disagreed with regards to distance. However the judge granted him two weeks to prepare for this hearing. I also offered to drop this request for distance if he did not buy the house down the street. We will see what happens. He definitely seems to not want to be in court! Also, Child Protective Services became involved due to the nature of the domestic violence being in front of kids and involving kids. I was scared, but was happily surprised at how thoughtful and kind the worker was. She interview me and the kids separately and said she was very concerned about him buying the house so close and saw it as an aggressive move and agreed the kids needed time and space to heal. So I am feeling more and more supported by the professionals- though not overly confident because there will still be the judge. Also, I am hoping and praying that somehow his move to the end of the street is averted, but accept it might not be. In amusing news, I received the second copy of Splitting I ordered, a second copy the shipper sent when she found out my STBX got the first one and for some reason my STBX sent the original he was holding on to. So now I have 3 copies of Splitting! Its the best resource on all of this- I stayed up way to late reading it.

[worriedStepmom]

It is good that you the professionals are seeing what is happening.  This is part of building your case - lots and lots of documentation for the judge to eventually see.

You are also demonstrating that you are looking for reasonable solutions.  Drop the OFP distance increase if he doesn't move down the street - that's a good compromise.  Over time, as the evidence piles up that you are looking for solutions and not just trying to get back at your ex, the court will notice your efforts.

You sound like you are in a better frame of mind right now.  Are you making time for plenty of self-care?

[palynne]

Ugh, I have had horrible nightmares the past few nights and wake-up in the midst of vivid dreams about STBX. Feeling worse for the ware emotionally today. I am starting a domestic violence support group soon that is via video, but it really is hard just getting through the day. I did yoga and meditated yesterday. May try something like that today. Been going for walks too. I  get depressed when I wonder how long it will be until I feel whole. Spent too much time this morning wondering about all the lies I don't know about considering the lies i do know about and mentally reliving all the harmful and hurtful things he would say to me. He was a big fan of projecting and gas lighting and it took me so long to shake the confusion I felt when he would accuse me of doing something he did. Right now the hearings we have scheduled are not for two weeks, but I am dreading seeing him in person. Even finding a photo of him the other day set off a panic. Hard to shake the feeling of being damaged this morning. I am talking to my counselor later today, but I am wondering how to distract myself until then and somehow be available for the kids.

[livednlearned]

I wish I could give you some of the peace of mind that eventually does come with these divorces 

You're doing so many wise and self-caring things, and building a foundation of strength and good habits for yourself, which says a lot about your strength, especially since these habits are taking root during on of the hardest moments in your life. It does take time to feel the collective effects of self-care, altho I hope you notice some benefits. Losing sleep is the worst. Especially the nightmares and/or middle of the night dread. Do you and the kids do any check-ins? In retrospect, I wish I had done something like that with my son. I had a really steep learning curve when it came to understanding how to manage emotions.

About seeing him in person ... ask your attorney if there is a lawyer conference room where you can hang out prior to your hearing. When I arrived at my court house, I was so scared about seeing my ex in the parking lot or in the elevator that I arrived early and took 7 flights of stairs. I did a few power poses (two minutes with arms raised and feet spread partly apart ... it's on the internet) in the women's bathroom stall which makes me laugh now but at the time was how I got myself grounded. Then I went into a conference room and waited until my lawyer arrived.

In the court room, my body got cold and I trembled just sitting there. Dress warmly! And take something in with you that brings you comfort, if you can think of anything. I closed my eyes and did box breathing (4 seconds in, 4 holding, 4 seconds out, 4 holding) and that helped too.

What is your main challenge with the kids at the moment?

[I Am Redeemed]

The last time I saw my ex in court I got there early and spoke to the officers working the entrance and explained that I was worried about him trying to talk to me. They assured me I would be safe and they would escort me out to my car after court, which they did.

He was late to court and I was constantly looking around to see when he would arrive, or if he would show up. When he did, he arrived with his new gf and asked to sit next to me! I managed a short, firm, NO and promptly started trembling with anxiety.

What got me through was a mindfulness exercise I learned. You focus on three random objects and name them in your head: "that is a chair" (deep breath in and out), "that is a table" (deep breath in and out), etc. It kept me grounded enough to make it through the child support hearing.

[palynne]

Thank you so much for the advice. I will try and prepare some breathing or other techniques to get ready. The last hearing I was rocking back and forth and sweating and then he didn't show. My kids are all doing better, but my 10 year old just has not done much distance learning at all and my 13 year old has been rude, mean, and spending nearly the whole day in her room. I ask her to be civil to her sisters and myself and get told "Whatever I don't care what you think." I try and be patient but it's trying. My 10 year old starts therapy this week and I hope that helps her. My three oldest are very, very, very, angry with their dad and will express wishing they would never have to see him again, that they are worried he will move in down the street, or even wishing he would disappear. I have been telling them its reasonable to have big feelings and I'm sorry they are so angry and sad. It's so painful to me when I think about the effect the emotional abuse had on them and that my 10 year old has intrusive thoughts of him hurting me. I am so 100% grateful that my job had leave for those without childcare during the stay at home order, and cannot think about when I will have to go back. I have to manage my panic. I found also that if I read too much of one of my divorce books before bed it makes things worse.

[livednlearned]

Have you read the book Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry, Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft?

It's been a while since I read it but my lawyer gave it to me early on in my divorce and I found it helped put my experience in perspective, took away some of the self-blame and shame I was carrying, and gave me some insight into what to expect as I healed, not just with me but with my son as well and what he was going through.

[palynne]

I haven't read it but maybe it will help- ordered it today. I am so preoccupied by this house he is buying that i feel spacy. I reached out to our old realtor who helped us buy this house to ask about the market and advice on the home we own together and lo and behold she is the one helping him with buying this house down the street. He told her we are going to co-parent and things in our marriage "just didn't work out" and we really wanted to be close together- delusional or manipulative or both. I felt angry and sad all over again and told her I wished she would have at least checked in with me about the situation if only to say hello and that she was working with him as we were friendly for years. My hearing to extend the distance in the ofp is this week and his home is closed to schedule a week later- not sure how the hearing will be and as I have said i am super stressed about seeing him. He hasn't responded to any discovery requests about how he is paying for the house or if he is getting any help. I get so discouraged and depressed and anxious. Talking to my therapist is nice but I feel like a need help every day. I spoke to a different realtor who said I am in a good neighborhood and shouldn't leave just because he is moving close by, but I still feel scared. He is always trying to force me to do what he wants even now.

[worriedStepmom]

Talking to my therapist is nice but I feel like a need help every day.

Are you open to the idea of temporary anti-depressants/anti-anxiety meds?  It's not good to feel this stressed and on edge all the time.

[palynne]

Not so open to medication, have had adverse reactions in past, but did start taking some herbal supplements to sleep like passionflower and chamomile. Walks and sunny days help. His lawyer requested a continuance on hearing and now its scheduled for after his closing on house. I sent a message to the bankers who handle our investments to ask if he requested money for a house closing from our joint account and they told me I had to submit request through lawyer. He hasn't responded to any discovery stuff. Feeling burnt on thinking about all of this for sure. I think Covid is compounding the stress adn being stuck in house a lot. I am going to have to just trust that eventually there may be some kind of justice. In the meantime it makes me sad that someone could physically attack their family, be awaiting charges and just take money to buy a house down the street from the victim. If we were strangers and not ever married , I am pretty sure I would have more protection. As soon as something is domestic then not so much. Oh well, we will see how it all plays out. I am going to start trying to focus on anything but his antics and see how that goes- also british comedy helps. Must remember its a marathon and not a sprint.

[ForeverDad]

Courts allow continuances, at least the first few times.  So apparently by the time you have the next hearings he may already own that house.  He may think he outmaneuvered you.  The reality is that life goes on and you'll work something out to deal with it all.

If you don't expect to move anytime soon, then ignore this.  You could always appear in court and state that besides the concern he was maneuvering himself as close as possible to you during this time of heightened stress, you also haven't decided whether you will remain at your current residence.  (In other words, you reserve the right to move elsewhere.)

If your house is jointly owned or jointly mortgaged, he can't block a sale.  Yes, he can slow it down but court will ensure that one way or another the marriage will be unwound during the divorce.

[palynne]

That is great advice Forever Dad, I will do that (it is actually true as well, because I can't discern what I want yet). I have decided to just do the the best I can. I spoke with some close friends who pointed out that if possible I need to focus on myself. I have never been good at this and with kids and I holed up due to virus I think its just difficult. I was also overdosing on self-help books. I am trying to start imagining what I'd like my future to look like, but its slow. I blank out a lot. One thing I would love to do is move the rest of his items to a storage unit just for some psychic space. I think the domestic abuse aspect is bigger than other things too- with lots of ptsd dreams etc, so hopefully this support group I am joining for survivors will do some good. I feel strongly that without coming off punishing I must hold him to account whenever he pulls moves like this (especially when they stress m y kids) so even if I don't prevent him from living down the street he will know that he needs to explain himself in public and I won't just ignore intimidation. Hopefully, with the two ofps and my neighbors all being supportive this will die down and the kids and I can just ignore the blocks near his new house. The CPS worker called to say he didn't respond to her yet and that he has a week before she just makes her report in favor of kids not having visitation so maybe in the long run we get what we need.

[I Am Redeemed]

If cps is on your side, that's good. A statement from them preventing him from unsupervised visitation cannot be overruled in a divorce proceeding. He will have to satisfy the action plan set up through cps to gain unsupervised visitation.

Good move on clearing out psychic space. The more physical space you reclaim as your own, the better you will feel mentally and emotionally.

Does your therapist do trauma recovery? I think a dv support group would be excellent, and if you haven't already, you might speak to your therapist about specialized trauma focused treatment. It's helped me tremendously to manage after the physical abuse from my ex.

[ForeverDad]

As weird as it sounds, judges often play dumb.  Okay, my personal perspective.  What I mean is that they depend on justifying their decisions on what the professionals surrounding the court report to them.  So if CPS makes a statement one way or the other, it carries weight.  Same for police officers, school officials, doctors, etc.

In my case, my then stbEx filed a TPO to keep me away from her and restrict me to supervised visitation.  Within a couple weeks a hearing was held and the CPS rep stood up and stated they had "no concerns" about me.  The magistrate removed that initial (ex parte) block to unsupervised parenting time and continued the rest of her TPO case to another date.

[GaGrl]

The psychic space is huge! Packing up his personal belongings and moving them to storage is a positive physical act that says " this place is mine, no longer his," and moves you along in the process.

[ForeverDad]

The only basis he has to come closer to your house than what the PFA allows to collect his personal items is if he is accompanied by an officer or some recognized officer of the court.

Since you would prefer he not return, packing everything respectfully and keeping it offsite outside that range makes sense.  Be careful how that is done, listen to your lawyer, since you don't want to mess up on some unexpected rule or policy.  No longer can you dump everything to the curb and say to come get it before the trash collectors arrive.  I recall in some states (I think it was NYC) even if you packed it up into a storage facility you were still responsible for the fees until it was claimed and removed by the person.

[I Am Redeemed]

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