How can I approach my mom without losing my cool?

[naty1999]

Hello,
Upon browsing the web was searching for BPD support groups. I was brought here. Never been exposed to blogging. Not sure what to expect. My mother has BPD. She was actually diagnosed by my own therapist as I spoke to her about her condition. I had always thought bi-polar but BPD is spot on especially concerning fear of abandonment. I am moving in June. I'm currently living next door to mom and dad. I have been here 6 years. I'm 34 years old and single and moving back home was so difficult to do but I wanted to go back to school and save some money in the process. Now that I have excelled in my career I have realized that I really need to move forward with my personal goals and move across the country. I have never ventured far from home. Mom always said something awful would happen if I did. I am currently just trying to deal with her constant commenting of how I will be abandoning her, how I'll get lost, wont survive without her etc. How can I approach her without losing my cool?

[zachira]

Naty1999,
You have come to the right place for support in having a mother with BPD. Hats off to you for having a successful career and saving the money to go to back to school ! Your situation is unique in different ways yet many of us on this site understand as we are dealing/have dealt with a mother with BPD who does not see her children as separate people from her and feels abandonned when her children take normal steps to be independent of her. I was raised by a mother with BPD who did everything to destroy her children's romantic relationships because that meant she was being abandonned. My mother passed away last summer. My experience has been that being alone with my mother was when she made her most destructive comments and behaved badly so when possible I tried to have someone around that she wanted to look good in front of and that did work most of the time. When alone with her, I set boundaries of walking away when the comments were just plain inappropriate and did nothing to help her or me. If you do give your mother feedback on what she is saying to discourage you from going back to school, I would have one line that I would say when she does it, and then quietly leave. I am glad you are finding therapy helpful. I worked with a therapist who helped me to become a person in my own right and to stop feeling responsible for my mother's feelings which were hers and don't belong to me. We are here to support you and listen. You are not alone in having a mother with BPD. Let us know how we can be the most helpful.

[naty1999]

Zachira,

Thank you so much for the response! I thought I was alone thinking mom never liked any of my boyfriends! Wow this definitely shed some light. Thank you for sharing your experience. I really appreciate it. I'm sorry your mother passed. I like your idea of having one line to say to her and then walking away. Arguing with her is always a losing battle and as I've read on this blog is actually counter productive which I never knew! Thank you for your support! I really appreciate it.

[Methuen]

How can I approach her without losing my cool?

For me that depends how distraught and fragile I am feeling because of her.  Sometimes I have to be NC for my own well-being.  This is to protect both of us.  Other times I feel quite strong, and can manage to set boundaries as well as using other tools such as SET and validating questions, and keep my humour and wits and objectivity about me.

I have never ventured far from home. Mom always said something awful would happen if I did. I am currently just trying to deal with her constant commenting of how I will be abandoning her, how I'll get lost, wont survive without her etc.

What I have learned (from ignorance, the hard way) is that if we try to assure a pwBPD that "they will be fine" once we have left, they find that really invalidating.  It escalates.  One time we were leaving for 3 weeks on a family vacation out of country (our adult GC offered to tell her),and my mom reacted by saying many things, one of them being "she could die while we were gone".  It got worse and worse as our departure approached.  Thankfully she had friends who stepped up to fill her void once we were gone. I can just imagine how this is going for you right now, since it's a move, and not a short-term vacation.  The closer your departure gets, the harder it is likely to be.  I would scheme a way to avoid the "goodbye" on the last day.  Say it the day before if that is possible in any way. If possible, try to have someone with you when you say that final good-bye.

SET and validating questions is all I can think of to offer as suggestions.  They will be the best tools to cool her emotional temperature, and validate her.

However bad it gets, feel positive and proud that you are moving on with your life and a new opportunity.  Good for you!  It's the normal thing to do.  What you will probably encounter before you leave is anything but (normal).  She's going to FOGFOGFOG you.  I feel for you Naty, I really do.  Find time to look after yourself - however you do most like to do that.  As impossible as it seems while preparing for a move, we want you to take care of yourself now, so that you are in a "good place" to start your new job and life when you get there!

So happy for you!  Congratulations!

[naty1999]

Thank you so much Methuen. The support really is reassuring that I am doing the right thing by building a life for myself, even at 34. I'm trying to find more information about SET. I'll be looking through the site. Thanks again.