Newbie here

[Atlmags]

Just wanted to introduce myself and give a bit of background. I have a 37 YO daughter with BPD. I swear she was born with it, as she was an irritable, attention-demanding, hyperverbal child from day one, though at times she was also sweet, charming, and delightful. When her father left us when she was 3, things of course got much worse. I am a pragmatic, problem solving sort of person, and I did not understand until many years later how to 'validate' her feelings, instead I always tried to 'reason' with her (and we all know how that works with the BPD). So she definitely had the wrong kind of mom in me. She was not formally diagnosed until her 20s despite a long string of therapists and psychiatrists who diagnosed both ADHD (Ritalin made her nuts) and bipolar (ditto to those meds), along with a 4-month stay in an outdoor behavioral program as a teen. She has since refused any type of treatment, therapy, or family counseling despite my offering to pay for it a number of times. She has 2 children, a 17 YO boy and a 6 YO girl (2 different fathers, one of whom is dead of a heroin OD and the other was a one night stand with a married man). She has basically 'ruined' the boy, who was a sweet, sensitive, and talented in so many ways child and my 'little buddy' until he turned 16. We went on a spring break trip every year to wonderful places -- Chicago, Boston, Paris, camping, even Dollywood -- but after his entire lifetime of verbal, emotional, and physical abuse from his mother, he because rebellious, dropped out of school after 10th grade (he did get his GED with much encouragement from me) and is now a selfish, self harming, manipulative drug addict with serious pending legal (drug) charges, and has twice attempted suicide. No one knows where he is half the time, and he can't hold a job for more than 3 weeks. I truly regret not having tried to get custody of him when he was young. I was always his 'safe' person and he told me many times he wished that I was his mother instead. Broke my heart. She does a much better job of mothering the little girl, but I of course worry about her too, being subject to her mother's mercurial moods and whims. Things will go relatively well for a few weeks or even a couple of months at a time, but yesterday once again the s*** hit the fan between my daughter and her son, and I always somehow get dragged into the middle of these episodes. She will text me 50 times in a row, accusing me of undermining her parenting, calling me names, etc., etc. until I have to block her yet again. She told me she wished I would die soon, and then says I cannot see her daughter, with whom I am very close. This is the usual pattern. After a couple of days things usually just blow over (typically because she needs me to babysit), she never apologizes or mentions her bad behavior. I have had an attorney write a letter to mail when the time is right, outlining that in my state grandparents have legal visitation rights, esp. if they have been involved in the child's life all along (I have). Today I plan to pull the plug on having them send that letter l. I am 63 years old, and this daughter of mine has spoiled so much of my life. She was so difficult that I never even considered having another child, which I also now regret. Part of all of this is of course my fault for not setting firm boundaries early on. I have learned about boundaries now, and have set them, but she constantly steps over them of course, and I am on edge all the time with her. I have also learned how to validate her feelings, but sometimes I just can't, esp when what she is doing affects her children (or me). Her behavior is so often extremely irrational, as I am sure you all understand, and I am massively angry at her for the way she abused her first child; I am not sure I can ever forgive her, though I know she was doing the best she could at the time, as we all were. I love my daughter, but I do NOT like her, and honestly, if it were not for the 6 YO, I would simply never speak to her again. Is that terrible? I see the great relationships my friends have with their grown children and it makes me so very sad. Sorry this is so long, but thanks to any of you who got to the end.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hello Atlmags

After reading your post I feel you fit right in here.  So much of what you wrote resonates with me and, for sure, with many others.

We are currently in an almost 4-yr period of being estranged from our daughter...not the first...not the longest.   She first ran away when she was 12.  She is now 54.  I fully understand when you write that your daughter has spoiled so much of your life.  (We do have one other child but, unfortunately, he suffers from a different form of mental illness than the BPD we suspect in our daughter.)  There have been times when my husband and I have been so exhausted in dealing with these family issues that we have reflected...we should have either had no children...or maybe a few more might have produced one that would now, in our later years, be looking after us.  (Sigh!)

It is heartbreaking when grandchildren are involved.  We were surrogate parents to ours through all the drama that surrounded their mother...different fathers...custody battles...yadda, yadda, yadda.  We were held hostage because of those little loves-of-our-lives (who are now 28/30 and have no contact with us)….towed the line for fear of our daughter using her "trump cards" against us.

You ask if it is terrible to say you would simply not speak to her ever again if not for the 6-yr-old.  Nope!  Not terrible in my eyes!  While we will never stop being mothers...we are not doormats.  For sure you can love and not-like!

The thing is, Atlmags, we have to make sure we don't ever take on the role of "victim."  (As I write that word now...my spine straightens!)

We are 2 of many parents here who are trying to figure out the best way to deal with these "difficult" people in our lives.  It took me a long time to find resources to help me.  Forty years ago our daughter's behaviour was considered as just being "those teenage years she will grow out of."   Many years were wasted because we didn't have the tools to work with.  As I write so often in this forum...we did the best we could...and when we knew better...we did better.  No guilt!

Now that you are here, roam the website.  Pick up on those "tips-from-the-top."  Keep sharing with others here...tell what is happening in your situation...reach out to others who are also hurting.

So much of my healing (by the way..."a work in progress") has come about because of putting my fingers on the keyboard and pouring out my heart and my hurts to those in this caring/supportive community...knowing that I am being heard, not judged.   Hope you find the same, Atlmags.

((HUGS)  :hug:from one Mom/Gramma to another.

Huat

[Thanks]

Hi Altmags and Huat,

My BPDD is 49 and we are in LC. I agree the threat of losing a relationship with a grandchild is the worst - and watching my daughter be so controlling and interfering with my 20 yr old granddaughter has been awful. I tell myself I know my granddaughter loves me and knows how much I love her, and that's the most I can do. Her mother makes her life miserable if my granddaughter does anything my daughter doesn't like, and I wonder if my granddaughter will ever be able to be her own person.

The last few years have been especially bad, between my daughter dealing with change of life issues and her daughter leaving home for college. I have pretty much completely followed the advice in "Stop Walking on Eggshells", which has been life changing and very helpful.

Two things I hang onto which also really help are:
If my daughter distances herself from me, I try to see it as a gift; I am spared the grief she gives me, and she has to deal with her issues on her own.
If she says or does inappropriate things, I back off from her - both to give her a reality check, and to spare her the shame she'll feel later if I allow her to be abusive.

That's my way of accepting and appreciating the times we are not close, and having self-respect when I have to distance myself from her. She's getting treatment at this point, thanks to her saint of a husband. Hopefully it will help. but I constantly have to remind myself she's not well,  and the relationship I could have hoped for will never be.

My sister is also BPD, so I guess I had an early start learning to deal with it, but it's never easy.

Best of luck and very warm thoughts to you both, it's great to be able to relate to mothers/grandmothers who understand!

[Atlmags]

Thank you so much ladies, for your support and understanding. It is really hard for parents of 'normal' children to truly grasp what it is like. I am so tired of answering questions that start with "why don't you just ..." ? Even my daughter's father (who has mostly been absent during her childhood and much of her adulthood) asks me all the time, "what is wrong with her?" and "why does she act like this?" I am like a broken record, keep telling him to read about BPD, but he doesn't so he'll never get it. Anyway, thank you all for your words of wisdom. I am finding this site to be very helpful and therapeutic.