Kitchen sinking

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

It’s been a while since I came here to get support. Things were going sideways, the reality most of us experience during the pandemic crisis. Ubpdh is likely also bipolar, so his apocalyptic predictions, that he nursed for the past 5-6 years seemingly fit into the context. He is still watching videos that are created by people who share similar belief, of the inevitable annihilation of the human race. I try to validate the bits I can e.g. economy, business, food prices going up. Only there isn’t enough validation to help him reach the base line. He is perpetually angry, fuming, bitter and irritated. He cycling through mixed episodes of irritation and hypomania on most days. Somewhere along the way of quarantine he decided that we needed a guard dog, and he was going to get one. Talking, pleading and convincing that he couldn’t care of a working animal didn’t work. He got the children all excited and he picked up the working breed purebred pup. Fast forward to today, he split on his business partner, wrote a nasty email insulting him due to the fact that the partner sided with investor and chose to liquidate their business assets, instead of taking off and not honouring their financial commitments. He is alternating between complete submergence with the pet, which keeps him occupied. He is high demand breed and requires training and exercise. He periodically splits to being cruel with the animal, to that point I step in and take away the pup. Last night as he walked the dog, who didn’t want to move an inch, he started dragging him by the collar on the pavement, effectively bribing off his paws and creating three nasty blisters. If I could find a good family, I would rehome him, in effort to create a stable environment for the poor soul. Meanwhile I’m facing added responsibility and pressure- caring for the animal, which I share with the children. I resent him, resent the bpd, resent the bipolar and also feel hopeless... as long as he is in my life he will continue adding more to my plate. I’m not facing the dilemma, the choice is simple: either leave ubpdh with the pup and see him abuse and neglect the dog, or take over and not to allow ubpdh close until he comes down. He generally loves the dog, until something outside changes his mood and he unleashes cruelty, fury and coldness. It triggers my response when I was afraid of leaving the children with him when they were young. He could slap them, lock them inside of the dark closets, I’m shaking from remembering those episodes. Unfortunately the breeder was eager due to quarantine and did little to none background check. So here we are, psychotic man locked in the house with his wife, kids and pets.

[snowglobe]

It’s been a while since I came here to get support. Things were going sideways, the reality most of us experience during the pandemic crisis. Ubpdh is likely also bipolar, so his apocalyptic predictions, that he nursed for the past 5-6 years seemingly fit into the context. He is still watching videos that are created by people who share similar belief, of the inevitable annihilation of the human race. I try to validate the bits I can e.g. economy, business, food prices going up. Only there isn’t enough validation to help him reach the base line. He is perpetually angry, fuming, bitter and irritated. He cycling through mixed episodes of irritation and hypomania on most days. Somewhere along the way of quarantine he decided that we needed a guard dog, and he was going to get one. Talking, pleading and convincing that he couldn’t care of a working animal didn’t work. He got the children all excited and he picked up the working breed purebred pup. Fast forward to today, he split on his business partner, wrote a nasty email insulting him due to the fact that the partner sided with investor and chose to liquidate their business assets, instead of taking off and not honouring their financial commitments. He is alternating between complete submergence with the pet, which keeps him occupied. He is high demand breed and requires training and exercise. He periodically splits to being cruel with the animal, to that point I step in and take away the pup. Last night as he walked the dog, who didn’t want to move an inch, he started dragging him by the collar on the pavement, effectively bribing off his paws and creating three nasty blisters. If I could find a good family, I would rehome him, in effort to create a stable environment for the poor soul. Meanwhile I’m facing added responsibility and pressure- caring for the animal, which I share with the children. I resent him, resent the bpd, resent the bipolar and also feel hopeless... as long as he is in my life he will continue adding more to my plate. I’m not facing the dilemma, the choice is simple: either leave ubpdh with the pup and see him abuse and neglect the dog, or take over and not to allow ubpdh close until he comes down. He generally loves the dog, until something outside changes his mood and he unleashes cruelty, fury and coldness. It triggers my response when I was afraid of leaving the children with him when they were young. He could slap them, lock them inside of the dark closets, I’m shaking from remembering those episodes. Unfortunately the breeder was eager due to quarantine and did little to none background check. So here we are, psychotic man locked in the house with his wife, kids and pets.

[Notwendy]

Hi Snowglobe-

Sorry you are dealing with this during these times. There is another poster who reminds me of your predicament- in shut down with out of work off the rails husband and with some enabling tendencies, trying to keep the peace:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=344462.0

The more I read these threads, the more I think of the passage from the Bible and the classic " Turn Turn Turn" song. A time for everything. And these are unusual times.

One thing I learned from my parents is that, we go through "stresses" over time- some are normal and predictable transitions- the empty nest, moves, travel, life cycle events. These are connected with a lot of emotions some good, some uncomfortable, and couples, famlies manage stresses according to their own ability to manage them.

But my parents didn't manage these things like other families. They went off the rails and in retrospect, it makes sense.

What we are dealing with is difficult at best. It's new ( we don't know much about Covid-19). We know it can make people very ill, or perhaps not very ill. We haven't had widespread testing until recently in some places. Everything has changed- schools, work, jobs, even ordinary tasks like grocery shopping. People are also affected financially and emotionally. When it comes to stress, this is a big one. We are all feeling it.

So are disordered people too and they are dealing with it in their disordered ways. We can't change that. Maybe the best we can do is keep safe, call for help if needed.

So while I am an advocate for keeping boundaries, not enabling, in addition also think this is a time to be gentle on ourselves. You've been carrying the ball of support for a long time. Helping keep your kids safe, now the dog safe. You can't control your H. Not before this and not now.

If your H abuses you, your kids, or the dog I hope you can call 911 for help. Sometimes we can't do it all. Maybe this is one of those times.

[snowglobe]

Hi Snowglobe-

Sorry you are dealing with this during these times. There is another poster who reminds me of your predicament- in shut down with out of work off the rails husband and with some enabling tendencies, trying to keep the peace:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=344462.0

The more I read these threads, the more I think of the passage from the Bible and the classic " Turn Turn Turn" song. A time for everything. And these are unusual times.

One thing I learned from my parents is that, we go through "stresses" over time- some are normal and predictable transitions- the empty nest, moves, travel, life cycle events. These are connected with a lot of emotions some good, some uncomfortable, and couples, famlies manage stresses according to their own ability to manage them.

But my parents didn't manage these things like other families. They went off the rails and in retrospect, it makes sense.

What we are dealing with is difficult at best. It's new ( we don't know much about Covid-19). We know it can make people very ill, or perhaps not very ill. We haven't had widespread testing until recently in some places. Everything has changed- schools, work, jobs, even ordinary tasks like grocery shopping. People are also affected financially and emotionally. When it comes to stress, this is a big one. We are all feeling it.

So are disordered people too and they are dealing with it in their disordered ways. We can't change that. Maybe the best we can do is keep safe, call for help if needed.

So while I am an advocate for keeping boundaries, not enabling, in addition also think this is a time to be gentle on ourselves. You've been carrying the ball of support for a long time. Helping keep your kids safe, now the dog safe. You can't control your H. Not before this and not now.

If your H abuses you, your kids, or the dog I hope you can call 911 for help. Sometimes we can't do it all. Maybe this is one of those times.

Hi Wendy, thanks for stopping by, it’s a real gift to see and feel support of other members. Spoke to family P, his suggestion is “let him experience the consequences”. Easier said then done, I can’t sit around and witness the animal locked away and yelled at by very least, or worse, physically punished. I don’t want to stick to victim mode, yet it’s a fact that the dog wasn’t my idea or even a choice, yet I feel obligated to keep him safe. The life is crumbling down, like a gingerbread house. The businesses, our relationships, there aren’t even moments of joy to hold on to. Ubpdh is silently convinced that the world is coming to the end and he is excited to see it burn. I, on the other hand can’t validate this crazy talk. Be that as it might, I want to install in my children resilience and ability to survive anything.

[Notwendy]

Do you see the "hook" here?

You "can't let your H' hurt the innocent dog.

I agree but --- it's now a triangle with the dog. You being rescuer.

Unfortunately, the dog, like a child, is a "true" victim. ( a true victim is dependent and has no choice, such as a child, an elderly person, or a pet, while adults can take victim mode as part of the drama triangle. A dog, or child doesn't choose).

It's more of the same. You've appeased your H over protecting your children, now add the dog to that.

Your H has been abusive to you, the kids, and now the dog. There's a way to get help for this- 911, child protective services- but you don't want to choose that route for several reasons.

This is more of the same "pattern" though.

But as I said-there's a time for everything. We are in unprecedented chaos, so do the best you can. It's unfortunate that there can be a vulnerable person, or pet, wrapped up in the chaos.

[Cat Familiar]

I’ll chime in about the dog, particularly because it’s a puppy that is a breed suitable for being a guard dog.

It is extremely hazardous in the long run to have such a dog influenced by an emotionally unstable person. If it doesn’t have clear boundaries of what is acceptable and not acceptable and is punished inconsistently and harshly for ordinary puppy antics and then treated abusively, over time, you will have a dangerous, unpredictable dog.

[snowglobe]

I’ll chime in about the dog, particularly because it’s a puppy that is a breed suitable for being a guard dog.

It is extremely hazardous in the long run to have such a dog influenced by an emotionally unstable person. If it doesn’t have clear boundaries of what is acceptable and not acceptable and is punished inconsistently and harshly for ordinary puppy antics and then treated abusively, over time, you will have a dangerous, unpredictable dog.

This is exactly what the dog trainer told me, unfortunately with quarantine and current economic medical climate I can’t do anything productive for the pup. He is likely to end up in animal shelter, and then who knows... I can’t live with myself with the thought of possibly costing this little guy his life. So my only option is care for him and not let ubpdh to come near him, when he is disregulating.

[snowglobe]

I spoke to the clinical psychologist today, as a reporter, I’m going to try and recall what I learnt from today’s session. Undiagnosed husband is likely npd (need for punishment, low self esteem, need for constant validating and flattery, sense of grandiosity and invisibility, attributing traits or achievements that aren’t his to begin with). Schizotypal personality disorder (lack of personal self care, social withdrawal, ideation and delusions of annihilation of the human race) and Bipolar disorder... there are some! Traits of bpd, but it’s more indicative of the comorbid mix. Psychologist told me that he has very poor insight (he spoke to undiagnosed husband on multiple occasions, that were related to family and kids) and therefor poor prognosis. He basically told me that I’m wasting my time and I should take the children and separate. The only chance, according to P that we have of changing this is if he will be forced to work out his issues without me being around. 47 min of therapy completely crushed my soul. Have I been looking at all the wrong places?. This isn’t a type of a reaction, but a chemical processes in his brain. This has a certain finality to it. I don’t know how to consolidate this with my determination and desire to stay as a intact family unit. His questions (psychologist’s) penetrated though my desire and commitment. He was asking me if I think this is a healthy environment for the children, marked with chaos, unpredictability and volatility. If I deserve to be broken up with, yelled, insulted or/and emotionally and financially abused. If I think I will have another life to do over? Combined with the total stonewalling I’m facing currently, i feel overwhelming amount of burning pain. I don’t have the answers, but I sure hope I will at some point. How effective are my coping tools (set, jedying) if this person alternates between mania and depression. How can I continue making plans and building future when my spouse can’t wait for the apocalypse to come? Guys, I’m lost .    Without undiagnosed husband’s permission we can’t move on to formal diagnosis, and therefore treatment plan. I’m in pain, but I am also calm, it’s like knowing that your loved one has a terminal illness. There is pain, but there is also sense of acceptance. What choices do I need to make as my children’s mother? What choices do I need to make for my own well being? How can I leave the person I loved so much in the state of destitute? What will happen if I left? Will he hurt himself? Will he try and come after me financially? Will he hurt the kids, once he realized that world isn’t going to end and he lost the family? How will my youngest cope with this transition? Will my oldest resent me for not sticking it out for couple more years? I have always maintained inner hope and saw BPD as enemy I needed to tackle. This is 100% not only bpd, this is much more. I withdrew from the world today after the session in order to process it. Members of those with comorbid diagnoses, please chime in if you can. Any insight is much appreciate

[formflier]

  What choices do I need to make as my children’s mother? 

Did the therapist discuss the repeated physical assaults against you and against the children?  I didn't see that on the list.

It would seem to me that as your children's mother you would want to make a decisions to break the cycle of repeated physical assaults against your children and also against you.

I simply can't convey enough my concern that in addition to enabling your husband to continue to assault your children you are potentially enabling a dog to do the same thing.

Your husband has receiving "training" by you as to what is acceptable and not.  In a similar fashion it appears you are going down the same road with a dog.

I'm very concerned about this pattern expanding.

Best,

FF

[formflier]

He was asking me if I think this is a healthy environment for the children, marked with chaos, unpredictability and volatility.

What was your answer to this question?

Best,

FF

[snowglobe]

Did the therapist discuss the repeated physical assaults against you and against the children?  I didn't see that on the list.

It would seem to me that as your children's mother you would want to make a decisions to break the cycle of repeated physical assaults against your children and also against you.

I simply can't convey enough my concern that in addition to enabling your husband to continue to assault your children you are potentially enabling a dog to do the same thing.

Your husband has receiving "training" by you as to what is acceptable and not.  In a similar fashion it appears you are going down the same road with a dog.

I'm very concerned about this pattern expanding.

Best,

FF

Ff, the psychologist had worked with our family for over seven years. I requested the session a while ago, only with covid restrictions it was difficult for him to make time. We haven’t discussed physical abuse, I was mostly telling him about the current state and asking questions on how to deal with bpd. Based on information provided, he told me that he believes it isn’t bpd behaviour in isolation. I already listed additional criteria that undiagnosed husband fits in. The “run and separate” message encapsulated all of the previous incidents. He doesn’t believe in any positive prognosis with me and the kids staying at home. He did say that I should not remove all the hope of reconciliation off of the table if he started to get the treatment, yet, based on our history he doesn’t believe it’s probable. The last physical assault came last August and did not happen since, the last time undiagnosed husband assaulted me was two years ago, with the eye situation. Please help me understand how I enable him to assault the dog? I contacted the trainer and explained to him what happened, going forward I will be the only person caring for the dog, much of the same as with the children. At times your sentences are perplexing for me, please decode

[snowglobe]

What was your answer to this question?

Best,

FF

That my next stop is the lawyers office and starting to get my affairs in order. That will include employment, finding out my financial rights, getting both children in regular therapy and physically distancing myself from undiagnosed husband. With covid the lines are blurry, it’s hard to cope with the current state of reality and this emotional turmoil. We will hold sessions weekly to help me stay clear and have a plan. The psychologist suggested the “safest” route, if there could be one in the current situation. Undiagnosed husband is repeatedly threatens divorce. Once the next threat comes in, I need to override my fears and emotions and say:” you know, I have through about this, it isn’t the first time you have doubts about the state and fruitility of this relationships. There is a saying of “if you truly love someone, let them go”. I care about you, so I think it would be best. How do you see this?”. I will try to keep things mutual and peaceful for the sake of the coparenting. He also wants me to agree to initial shared custody as temporary agreement. Based on what he knows, he is confident that undiagnosed husband will not be able to keep up with the parenting schedule and parental responsibilities. In addition, he will guide me how to request psychiatric assessment. He is concerned that because of undiagnosed husbands narcissistic traits he will be able to keep the composure and pass without any red flags. However, over the course of the parenting, he is certain that that facade won’t last. I am torn and conflicted to make my children as a part of the experiment in the “hopes” he will fail and the court will give me the custody. Be that as it may, they will be alone with this craziness that is barely tolerable for an adult. How will my little guy with special needs be able to survive this level of brainwashing when and if I do something that doesn’t suit undiagnosed husband, he starts to alienate the children and feed them lies such as “your mom doesn’t love you, she only cares about herself”. I have more questions then the answers. 

[formflier]

We haven’t discussed physical abuse

 

Snowglobe

I will come back later and directly answer other questions you have raised.  It's important now that you focus on one and only one issue.

With this consultation where repeated physical assaults were "not discussed" you got a clear message that you need to leave the relationship and there was little hope outside your husband committing to intensive treatment, which the provider says is not probable.  (That's the way your post came across, do I have the correct understanding?)


So...if the above is the advice based on a consultation devoid of discussion of repeated physical assaults, then what do you think the advice would be if your consultation included discussion of the repeated physical assaults in your home?

I would encourage you to schedule another consultation as soon as possible and discuss the repeated physical assaults happening in your home and ask if this new knowledge in any way changes your providers professional advice.

Bottom line:  This is not a place to be "selective" about information sharing.  Lay it all out there and listen carefully to professional medical opinion given.

Best,

FF

[Cat Familiar]

I agree with FF. You're still trying to protect your husband's reputation. You need to be totally honest with your therapist.

[babyducks]

welcome back snowglobe,

it sounds like the psychologist gave you good, thoughtful, reasonable and sound advice.   as I read what you reported I found myself nodding my head in agreement.    what the psychologist said matches what you have written here over the years.  it never felt to me that your Husband was "just" or "only" bpd.

That my next stop is the lawyers office and starting to get my affairs in order. That will include employment, finding out my financial rights, getting both children in regular therapy and physically distancing myself from undiagnosed husband.

that's a lot to take on, but I for one am glad to hear you are moving in this direction.   I know it's tough.   I know it's painful.     I am also very glad to hear that you are going to have weekly sessions with the psychologist.    that is a great investment in yourself.    I think it's progress.     good work.

I think right now it's natural to have more questions than answers.    this is a work in process... you take it slowly and one step at a time.    right now it's not possible to predict what will happen or what the results of some of your efforts might be.    but you still make the effort to protect and improve your life and the life of your children.     

nice job.

'ducks

[Notwendy]

Undiagnosed husband is repeatedly threatens divorce. Once the next threat comes in, I need to override my fears and emotions and say:” you know, I have through about this, it isn’t the first time you have doubts about the state and fruitility of this relationships. There is a saying of “if you truly love someone, let them go”. I care about you, so I think it would be best. How do you see this?”.


I see this as potentially dangerous. Even if an abusive spouse says this, the moment of potential leaving is the most dangerous time for physical abuse.

Your H is emotionally unstable and volatile. He's proven to be abusive during times of dysregulation and he's hurt you before.

Whatever he says or does, he will perceive this as a threat, and likely get violent.

Sorry Snowglobe- but I see this as magical thinking. "We can have a nice rational discussion about divorce". Have you ever had a nice rational discussion about plans with your H when he is upset and angry? Think about it.

I think it's great that you are speaking to a counselor about this. He will be the one to direct you on how to do this. However, know that in the case of abuse, the advice is to leave when the abusive person isn't around, and to have a safety plan. You do not discuss it. If the two of you could have nice rational discussions and work things out - you would not need lawyers or counselors to navigate these things.

[formflier]

 

I see this as potentially dangerous. Even if an abusive spouse says this, the moment of potential leaving is the most dangerous time for physical abuse.

  he will perceive this as a threat, and likely get violent.

 
He will be the one to direct you on how to do this. However, know that in the case of abuse, the advice is to leave when the abusive person isn't around, and to have a safety plan. You do not discuss it. 

 

Which is one of many...many reasons to be completely open...and forthright with the professional therapist that is giving you advice.

I can't imagine...can't imagine for a second that a professional therapist would give you the advice he did about how to go about leaving if that therapist had an accurate view of the repeated physical assaults in your home.

Please be completely open with this T. 

Best,

FF

[babyducks]

the psychologist had worked with our family for over seven years.

 The “run and separate” message encapsulated all of the previous incidents.

snowglobe,

I appreciate NotWendy's point.   for certain leaving an abusive relationship is the most dangerous time.  

from your experience,  since the psychologist has worked with your family for over seven years... does the psychologist have a good idea about the potential for violence your husband possesses?

[snowglobe]

snowglobe,

I appreciate NotWendy's point.   for certain leaving an abusive relationship is the most dangerous time.  

from your experience,  since the psychologist has worked with your family for over seven years... does the psychologist have a good idea about the potential for violence your husband possesses?

Not in its entirety, he knows of some instances when the children and the staff have been open, but not all. What we touched on are just few points, this isn’t happening today. The exit strategy has to be matched with the legal counsel and everyone will work as a team to ensure the safety of the children. Guys, how did I miss this? The mood swings, the delusions. I am not sure about anything now. I will reconvene this it’s the psychologist next Tuesday, full disclosure at that point 

[babyducks]

Not in its entirety, he knows of some instances when the children and the staff have been open, but not all. What we touched on are just few points, this isn’t happening today. The exit strategy has to be matched with the legal counsel and everyone will work as a team to ensure the safety of the children. Guys, how did I miss this? The mood swings, the delusions. I am not sure about anything now. I will reconvene this it’s the psychologist next Tuesday, full disclosure at that point 

don't be hard on yourself snowglobe.     this is all new to you.    you have time to get the legal counsel and the psychologist set up in ways that work best.    the first steps on any new road are always bumpy.  hang in there.

earlier you said that you wanted to get both children into regular therapy.    would this be with this same psychologist?    do you have an idea of what the focus would be of the therapy?

[snowglobe]

don't be hard on yourself snowglobe.     this is all new to you.    you have time to get the legal counsel and the psychologist set up in ways that work best.    the first steps on any new road are always bumpy.  hang in there.

earlier you said that you wanted to get both children into regular therapy.    would this be with this same psychologist?    do you have an idea of what the focus would be of the therapy?

Ducks, their psychological health and  making sense of the transition. Most of the things that went on for many years they have been exposed to, its “normal” to them. Other things have been hidden, as much as I could. One of the things that had the biggest impact on me, was when the psychologist explained the triggered response of bpd vs delusional thinking, which comes out of nowhere. It’s not the brain that is reacting to environmental cues, which is a normal reaction of the central Nervous system. My undiagnosed husband’s brain is rapid firing and dictating the state 1.mania, at times also with dilutions, 2. Mixed episode (agitation and irritability) or 3. Depression. From the long history with our family and my insight he is confident that it’s not external life’s circumstances that are causing him to feel the way he does. It’s e grain rationalizing his feelings trying to match it to the external. What I thought was the “splitting. If bpd” also plays a function with the bipolar of trying to match the reality to the mood. When there aren’t any events to be concerned or mad about, he creates one by splitting on me, then it becomes real for him. Fortunately, he has a very high iq, which combined with npd had helped him to be successful. I matched him with dependent personality disorder and generalized anxiety disorder making this union, in its own way highly effective. He disregulated, yet I always stayed because of the fear. I’m still afraid. My cognition is running on a separate track from my emotional state. I am still codependent and hold out hope for him to turn around. Yet, I am able to sleep, eat, take care of the kids and keep on moving.

[snowglobe]

Undiagnosed husband is repeatedly threatens divorce. Once the next threat comes in, I need to override my fears and emotions and say:” you know, I have through about this, it isn’t the first time you have doubts about the state and fruitility of this relationships. There is a saying of “if you truly love someone, let them go”. I care about you, so I think it would be best. How do you see this?”.


I see this as potentially dangerous. Even if an abusive spouse says this, the moment of potential leaving is the most dangerous time for physical abuse.

Your H is emotionally unstable and volatile. He's proven to be abusive during times of dysregulation and he's hurt you before.

Whatever he says or does, he will perceive this as a threat, and likely get violent.

Sorry Snowglobe- but I see this as magical thinking. "We can have a nice rational discussion about divorce". Have you ever had a nice rational discussion about plans with your H when he is upset and angry? Think about it.

I think it's great that you are speaking to a counselor about this. He will be the one to direct you on how to do this. However, know that in the case of abuse, the advice is to leave when the abusive person isn't around, and to have a safety plan. You do not discuss it. If the two of you could have nice rational discussions and work things out - you would not need lawyers or counselors to navigate these things.

Wendy, I tend to agree with the level of the danger that will be associated with the exit. We didn’t talk small details it’s still early and I need to process a lot. What the psychologist meant was to “present this to him as his idea”, this will soothe his npd and not come across as such insult or emotional injury. Timing. It has to be done right.

[snowglobe]

Snowglobe

I will come back later and directly answer other questions you have raised.  It's important now that you focus on one and only one issue.

With this consultation where repeated physical assaults were "not discussed" you got a clear message that you need to leave the relationship and there was little hope outside your husband committing to intensive treatment, which the provider says is not probable.  (That's the way your post came across, do I have the correct understanding?)


So...if the above is the advice based on a consultation devoid of discussion of repeated physical assaults, then what do you think the advice would be if your consultation included discussion of the repeated physical assaults in your home?

I would encourage you to schedule another consultation as soon as possible and discuss the repeated physical assaults happening in your home and ask if this new knowledge in any way changes your providers professional advice.

Bottom line:  This is not a place to be "selective" about information sharing.  Lay it all out there and listen carefully to professional medical opinion given.

Best,

FF

Ff, you have the information correctly, we didn’t discuss violence, and even then the psychologist’s prognosis was not optimistic

[formflier]

 What the psychologist meant was to “present this to him as his idea”, this will soothe his npd and not come across as such insult or emotional injury. Timing. It has to be done right.

This is important do clarify with your psychologist and leave no assumptions whatsoever as to the P's advice and knowledge used to create that advice.

I can imagine a P using this advice in a situation without violence and physical threats.

I can't imagine a P using this advice in a situation where there are repeated physical assaults, especially when the assaulter has not successfully been through therapy/treatment.

Snowglobe

I hope you can appreciate that many people are discussing/concerned about physical danger.

Please clarify this with your P.

Best,

FF

[babyducks]

One of the things that had the biggest impact on me, was when the psychologist explained the triggered response of bpd vs delusional thinking, which comes out of nowhere. It’s not the brain that is reacting to environmental cues, which is a normal reaction of the central Nervous system. My undiagnosed husband’s brain is rapid firing and dictating the state

I know what you mean.   My Ex was diagnosed as Bipolar 1 comorbid with a PD most likely BPD.    She also rapid cycled.   Even on medication it was very hard to control her mania... she was almost always hypomanic.    The medication that worked the best to slow the cycling destroyed her kidneys... so she had to stop taking it.   The second best medication was only marginally effective.

I matched him with dependent personality disorder and generalized anxiety disorder making this union, in its own way highly effective. He disregulated, yet I always stayed because of the fear. I’m still afraid. My cognition is running on a separate track from my emotional state.

These are very powerful insights snowglobe.   extremely powerful.   very brave too.   I think you are correct... your union was highly effective in its own way... not a good way though.    I am happy to see you make these break throughs.   I think you deserve a lot of credit for being able to look more honestly at these difficult topics.

[formflier]

  I think you deserve a lot of credit for being able to look more honestly at these difficult topics.

I also think you deserve enormous amounts of credit for the ability to look at and discuss these difficult topics.

Best,

FF

[Cat Familiar]

I also think you deserve enormous amounts of credit for the ability to look at and discuss these difficult topics.

I agree. If you use Netflix, there’s an interesting series, Unothodox, about a young woman’s journey to flee the confines of a repressive religious community. I think this story speaks to others who are feeling restricted from living the lives they want.

[snowglobe]

This is important do clarify with your psychologist and leave no assumptions whatsoever as to the P's advice and knowledge used to create that advice.

I can imagine a P using this advice in a situation without violence and physical threats.

I can't imagine a P using this advice in a situation where there are repeated physical assaults, especially when the assaulter has not successfully been through therapy/treatment.

Snowglobe

I hope you can appreciate that many people are discussing/concerned about physical danger.

Please clarify this with your P.

Best,

FF

Ff, the support and insight of the members are paramount for me, especially in this twilight zone state. I do not downplay the danger and unpredictability of the reaction that may and unlikely will follow. I am actively trying to separate the emotions, including ones that have been responsible for keeping the abuse “a secret”, from the rational and pragmatic side of things. I will update here once we have the follow up meeting and get things more outlined. One Th omg that I am aware of now, more so then usual, was when I tried to understand, rationalize and ask you guys “w” questions. Why is he doing this? How can I get this to stop? Where did this reaction and behaviour originate from? After speaking to the psychologist, who in many ways repeated to me” don’t try to understand, don’t get attached to labels, regardless of the nature of the illness, this behaviour is unacceptable and detrimental for you. Stop shielding and justifying his behaviour with kids. What do you want? What do you need? Are your needs being met?”oh, so powerful. I’m also going back to coda for support, I wish there was one here, that is anonymous and virtual. Thank you Ff!

[snowglobe]

I agree. If you use Netflix, there’s an interesting series, Unothodox, about a young woman’s journey to flee the confines of a repressive religious community. I think this story speaks to others who are feeling restricted from living the lives they want.

I saw the series, it’s inspiring, despite all hardships, the human nature is to persevere. I’m trying my best not to sink in the state of hopeless and despair. The job market is less then desirable, I hope this turns shortly. In order to minimize the impact on the kids I need to have a source of income. With undiagnosed husband, nothing is on the books. As soon as things turn, financial support will be gone. I’m staying strong and optimistic when I’m with children, at night I’m quietly crying and having somatic random pains.

[Notwendy]

I think your counselor might have given you different advice about discussing divorce when your H threatens it if the counselor were aware of the physical abuse.

For the counselor to give you the best advice, I think it's important that he knows as much about the situation as possible, otherwise, he can't give you the best advice. Not telling him could mislead him.

A doctor would check  a sore throat with a throat swab. But if someone came in with a sore throat and a cough, they might get a different treatment plan. To make the correct assessment, they need all the information.

Your counselor is helping with marital issues but doesn't know the extent of them.

[formflier]

  I do not downplay the danger and unpredictability of the reaction that may and unlikely will follow. I am actively trying to separate the emotions, including ones that have been responsible for keeping the abuse “a secret”, from the rational and pragmatic side of things. 

Snowglobe

Did you mistype when you typed "unlikely"? 

Given the reported history I am aware of I think it is almost a certainty that he would react badly and violently to the plan presented.

I also want to commend you again for trying to separate your emotions and think through this situation.

Speaking for myself, I would certainly feel better if you would commit to discussing the history of threatened and actual violence in your home with your P.  I realize this will likely be a hard conversation and I'm hoping there are ways we can support you here in moving forward with this conversation.

Best,

FF