Trying to find ways to make our relationship work in the long term

[roSquishy]

Hi everyone,

I've fairly recently met someone that I've started having a relationship with.
We met in October 2019 and since mid January we've been living together.
I knew right off the bat that she had BPD as she told me.

She seemed to be doing ok for a while and she had said that the worst was pretty much behind her (she's 30) as she said the most active period is 18-25.

However, I made some mistakes myself so I will give a brief history.
I used to be engaged to someone. We had a 5 year relationship, we probably got engaged after 4 of them or so. But this was not actually a relationship I felt ok in. Proposing to her was more of a desperate act because I saw my life passing by and saw others moving along with theirs. Eventually I finally got the courage to end things.
We are co-workers and while together in a relationship we weren't doing well, I didn't mind her outside of one. So we casually exchanged some messages sporadically after the break up. I also still had stuff in the house, like a mattress, some objects that I liked (for what the objects were, not because they were from her) etc. I kept things like the mattress out of a practical view, because it had cost a lot and I didn't want to have to buy a new one.

Fastforward, I met this girl, I was a bit hesitant at first because I did like her, but in some ways she reminded me of my ex (as it happens they have the same name as well). So I didn't want to rush in and get hurt again. Through a bit of insistence of her part I decided to give this relationship a chance. This relationship changed my life, for the better. I started living more healthily (not sleeping late, not eating late, being more careful with what I eat, taking more care of myself).
She had a few slight episodes but we always managed to get through them well.

The big issue is that she really got hung up on my ex. It was my fault to begin with because I didn't know how to properly and fully let go of my past. Never did. Until now. She basically helped me understand some things about it. But the harm was done. I made some mistakes that made her think at times that I still wanted to be connected to my ex. Which I didn't, but I was still tied to my past in some ways.

Now that is pretty much hurting her a lot. And I don't know what else to do. I know I messed up and that's because I was messed up too. But I really cleaned up my act. And I really want to make things work between us. I want to build a future with her.

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[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Squishy:
Welcome.  Sorry you are having trouble with your partner.

She seemed to be doing ok for a while and she had said that the worst was pretty much behind her (she's 30) as she said the most active period is 18-25.   

I haven't heard of anyone aging out of BPD.  Those who work hard, can manage it, especially if they master DBT skills.  Those who proactively manage DBT better than most, will likely have some strong traits resurface during times of stress or changes in life situations.

Best to believe that what you see & experience will likely repeat over time.  It is best that you learn specific communication skills & techniques to manage problem situations.

The big issue is that she really got hung up on my ex   

In what way is she hung up?  Is it jealousy?

[roSquishy]

Yeah something like jealousy. She keeps thinking that I would be better off with my ex, that I still want to be with her, that my ex will always be better than her, and more thoughts along this line.
I threw out things directly tied to my ex, for her but also for myself, to make sure that I severed connections with my past and left my emotional baggage behind. And for me, I'm much better now emotionally and mentally.
But it got to the point where even less direct things trigger her thoughts about my ex.

Do you have any suggestions as to where I could learn communication skills & techniques to manage problem situations?

And I'd like to add that normally she does understand that I've cut all ties and that I'm past my ex. It's just during these states that she keeps accusing me of the same things.
Especially keeps going back to the fact that I had proposed to her.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi again Squishy:

 

I threw out things directly tied to my ex, for her but also for myself, to make sure that I severed connections with my past and left my emotional baggage behind. And for me, I'm much better now emotionally and mentally.
But it got to the point where even less direct things trigger her thoughts about my ex.      

 Sounds like she lacks confidence/self-esteem.  I suspect you may have shared too much about your ex.  Can you give us some example statements of things she says about your ex?  It would be good to think over some responses & have them ready.

The link below leads to "Workshops", where you can learn certain communication skills/strategies.  On the first page (there are 3 pages), you will find 3 separate workshops on the topic of "Validation/Don't Invalidate".  

You don't want to validate anything that isn't valid, but it can be important to validate "feelings".  You don't have to agree with the feelings, but you are just acknowledging what she is feeling.  What's most important is that you don't invalidate by word, action, expression or body language.  Sometimes, it can be difficult to decide how to validate.  During those times, just stay silent & don't do anything to invalidate.

A 2nd skill you might want to master is SET (Support, Empathy, Truth).  It's a couple of lines down from the validation workshops.

A 3rd skill is to set Boundaries (which are personal to you & you can enforce).  There are a couple of links on the first Workshop page to some lessons on Boundaries.

WORKSHOPS:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0

A good strategy is to start with one skill, read about it and then start using it.  Many people find that is can be beneficial to post examples here & ask for guidance as your learn each skill.  It takes time & practice, but you will find that it's worthwhile.

Start with "Don't Invalidate".  Are there some things you may have said, while mentioning you ex, that could have invalidated your current partner?  I think a first step to improve your relationship is to quit mentioning anything about your ex.  It may take some effort to put the genie back in the bottle.

[roSquishy]

Well she kept asking things and saying that if she can fill in the blanks with what actually happened it would prevent her mind from creating more exagerated scenarios on its own. And she wanted me to be truthful, so whenever she asked I tried to answer.

Thank you so much for the advice you've given me. I will check out those workshops as soon as I can.

I didn't really paint a pretty picture of my ex so not sure. I did mention towards the beginning of when we met that I felt there were similarities between them. But since them I've realized there were fewer than I thought.
The thing that bothers her most is that we were engaged. Even though I explained several times that it wasn't a true engagement. I didn't propose out of true love, but out of feeling lost, feeling like I'm falling behind, feeling like I have no other choice. All wrong reasons to get engaged.

[once removed]

people with bpd have inherent trust issues.

throw on top of that, generally speaking, low self esteem.

my ex was also particularly jealous of an ex of mine. when she was angriest, it would come up. in my case, it was seriously old news, and i struggled to understand it, but i think a lot of us have been there really, where we feel insecure over a lovers ex that we give tremendous significance.

first, accept that this may be a sticking point. your partner is looking for reassurance, and you want to provide that, but youre not going to be able to fix this issue for her, or convince her that shes better, or that the old relationship is history, or whatever.

you want to walk a fine line of listening, offering reassurance, but your partner has an ability to get worked up about this, where it can become counterproductive and circular. you can learn to walk that line here.

She basically helped me understand some things about it. But the harm was done. I made some mistakes that made her think at times that I still wanted to be connected to my ex. Which I didn't, but I was still tied to my past in some ways.

what happened? tell us more.