The healing journey is a long and lonely road

[Butane]

I feel like I am entering the next phase of my healing journey.

The worst things that happened between my husband and I are unknown to the kids, my friends and extended family. If they knew the details, it would be impossible to eventually reintegrate H back into my family. They do not even know that he lives with us again. H's shame combined with their judgement of the many hurtful things he did would prevent that. Secrets and shame are not healthy though. I carry a lot of both and need to find a way to rid myself of them.   

My biggest life goal is to raise my children to be emotionally healthy, mature and kind people, and to support my husband as he copes with dPTSD and uBPD. I am committed to this, but it's a long and lonely road, and it's hard to stay positive all the time. 

Our lives fell apart badly in 2017, when PTSD came with full force, and BPD behaviors/traits became pronounced. I had a mental breakdown. I functioned OK at work, but the stress was crazy. I felt crazy. My once very happy, normal life was destroyed and I lived in a whirlwind of pain, grief and fear. At one point, I used to literally hide behind the door when my husband came to pick up the kids. I was scared of him. I think at the time I could be said to have developed vicarious PTSD. 

I have come a long way. I have most of my self-esteem back, I am self-aware and able to think before I act, I am somewhat able to detach from H's moods and maintain my sense of reality. I am the leader in my household, because I set the tone daily, facilitate communications between H and the kids when needed, manage the day to day household activities, and generally try to ensure that H is bothered and irritated as little as possible. I walk a fine line all the time. I don't want to be an enabler, I want to influence but not control, and I want to keep the emotional temperature low.

After 2 months of Covid, H is no longer doing well, and I am starting to struggle. I find myself tearing up easily. His BPD behaviors are frequent. I have the skill now to step back and observe, and know it is not about me, BUT, the irrational blame he expresses towards me and the kids is wearing on me. And I've had difficulty not getting drawn into word salad and circular discussions. He is such a negative energy in our home right now.

I find myself wanting to fight back and say mean, cutting, rude, sarcastic things. When he says "I can't stand the kids's behavior", I want to say "We can't stand yours! If you hate us so much, why don't you go back to your disgusting mistress that you left us for twice, and her kids that you told me you can't stand? Our kids are not perfect, but they are wonderful little people who deserve your unconditional love, not approval dependent on perfect performance, you big jerk! Maybe if you could just say Hi and give a hug, instead of every interaction being a criticism or an instruction, you'd actually like being around us. How do you think it makes us feel seeing how you perk up on a phone call, acting all happy go lucky, and then immediately look disgusted again as soon as you are off the phone?"

That's what I find myself WANTING to say. I have enough self control NOT to actually say it though. I do not want to participate in the drama triangle that he grew up on, and still lives on.

So instead, I validate his feelings, say that I am committed to ensuring that we all treat each other with respect, and acknowledge that there is always room for improvement. Then he might respond "are you using some kind of technique on me right now?".

I am very, very tired. I hope that writing this will give me the energy I need to continue to try to keep my family together.

My therapist told me that I'm doing well, and to give myself credit, because not many women would have stayed, or welcomed their spouse back after such betrayals. She encouraged me not to minimize what I've been through (I have often said that H's struggles are so great that mine don't even compare).She told me I need to acknowledge that I've suffered a lot of relational trauma... I am starting to understand that this is true. I have suffered, and I get a lot of intrusive memories that haunt me. It feels unfair that H can act so dissatisfied with me and our children, after he betrayed us dozens of times.

I'm building up my bravery to write about the triggers and bad memories that continue to haunt me. It's not that they are unusual or particularly "bad" (standard soap opera fare, actually); rather that it feels so shameful to me that I was involved in such goings on, and that I was involved with such disordered thinking and behaviors. And that I ever allowed myself to be treated so poorly by the person I love. 



 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Adrian26]

Dear Butane,

I think its a self-loving step to come here and do your story. It's very healthy and necessary to voice your pain and experiences. Not just for yourself, but for the success chances of your mission as a whole. Keeping your family intact and protecting your kids will be much difficult if you're exhausted and full of self-doubt.
May I ask, how old are your kids? To be blunt: how long would you have to endure this situation for them?

From what write your husband does not seem to have (any...?) insight into his behaviour, needs, where they come from, or the damage they cause. Maybe he is not ready yet to confront himself. You're in therapy you say, is he?

To protect your fragile household you're protecting him. Friends and family are not aware of him having moved back in or aware of the stuff he has done. This way you've given him the perfect limbo, the perfect shelter. He does not have to be confronted with his actions, does not suffer consequences. Additionally, you're postponing his full re-integration in the family. And this re-integration would actually come with social responsibilities that he now evades. He's basically sleeping over, still free to do whatever he wants.
I'm not saying you should share everything that happened with everyone. There is no point in demonizing your spouse. Firstly though, I think it's extremely important that you share your burden with some of your loved ones- friends, maybe parents or siblings. You can not keep this inside yourself long term: it will eat you up and you'll start to question your reality.
Secondly, I fear keeping your inner circle in the dark will only enable your spouse to continue his current behaviour. Nobody likes shame, but that's not the goal when you're informing close ones. The goal should be to sensibly make your partner be aware of his actions and the need to change. Change starts with acknowledgement. I would suggest trying to start with sharing the events with the people you trust the most. Emphasis should be put on understanding and offering your partner a warm safety net instead of punishment- but denial is out of the question. Take care.

[JNChell]

Hey, Butane.

The worst things that happened between my husband and I are unknown to the kids, my friends and extended family. If they knew the details, it would be impossible to eventually reintegrate H back into my family. They do not even know that he lives with us again. H's shame combined with their judgement of the many hurtful things he did would prevent that. Secrets and shame are not healthy though. I carry a lot of both and need to find a way to rid myself of them.

That’s a very heavy, but very realistic way to see your situation. PTSD can become acute, but like you said, it sounds like there is more than that at play. It sounds like you’re kind of stretched in your situation. Stuck in the middle between who knows what. That’s not a healthy place to keep yourself if you want the best for your children. That’s simply an objective thought, not a judgment. This sounds like a dynamic that might benefit from family counseling. You, H and your family. Do you think H would be open to something like that? Would your sister and parents?

You’re putting in all of the emotional effort. I understand how exhausting that is. Covid-19 has you all together with not a lot of breathing room.

In your experience, is he capable of self awareness and empathy?

support my husband as he copes with dPTSD and uBPD. I am committed to this, but it's a long and lonely road, and it's hard to stay positive all the time.

What is H doing to help himself in a way that shows his awareness and empathy towards his wife and kids? What commitment has he made? His 50%.

You are well aware of what the situation is. There’s no need for mean and cutting words. You are committed to your family, and that is very commendable considering the circumstances. With that being said, how do you feel about slowly organizing family counseling? Definitely talk to your therapist about it, but it’s a start if you want to re-integrate H into your FOO. A lot might be learned by all involved. Just a thought.