Questioning Myself After Divorce

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi everyone, I've been a long time lurker of the forum, but had some trouble last night and though it might help to write out what I have been thinking/experiencing and get some perspective from people who have been through similar situations.

I separated from my wife of 5 years (dated for 4 years before that) last April. We have a settlement agreement and I am currently paying spousal maintenance to her, but the divorce has not been finalized yet. My ex-wife has BPD(?), that was diagnosed by her psychiatrist (after 4 others had diagnosed her with an anxiety disorder in the preceding years), she went to DBT for several months, but quit/was kicked out because she kept missing appointments.

I'm going to break down what I think the most significant "points" in our relationship are in an effort to keep this organized, it's been a while since I have though about this in a really organized manner, so I think it might be helpful for me to do this.

BEGINNING OF MY EX-WIFE'S "VISIBLE" ANXIETY SYMPTOMS

The year before we got married we lived together in a college town apartment (while I was finishing up my graduate studies), she had planned to find work and study for her graduate school entrance exams while I was finishing up school, but quickly gave up on finding a job and did not feel like she could adequately prepare for her entrance exams (started complaining of anxiety that was distracting her from studying).

Looking back my reaction to this was not ideal. She was a strong student in college, and it was hard for me to understand why she wasn't able to study for the test. I am generally disorganized and a procrastinatory, so my advice to her was largely coming from a place of my own experiences. Basically I would tell her that I know she can do better, and she just needs to try harder, organize her study better, and stay persistent. I didn't really care much about her not having a job at this point. Living solely off of my student loans and some support from her parents was tough, but I was young and didn't think too much about the consequences of taking on debt, or the feelings of resentment that would build from being the sole provider in our relationship (more about this later).

As the year continued, her symptoms started to get worse, she became very depressed, was nauseated all the time, and started developing a very severe face skin picking problem (something she did as a teenager in response to acne). She went to a psychiatrist and was prescribed an SSRI, but it didn't work for her, she refused to do therapy (aside from a few sessions). At this point she was convinced that the nausea was caused by a physical illness, but multiple doctors could not find anything wrong.

I started to become more resentful of her at this point. Our social life was becoming severely limited by her face picking (she would refuse to go out after picking her face), and I felt guilty about going out without her, but was not assertive enough to take care of myself and instead starting building resent. We started arguing more, the arguments started to get louder and longer.

LIVING WITH HER PARENTS, GETTING MARRIED

After graduating from school we moved in with my ex-wife's parents. I always liked her parents and got along with them well. My ex-wife's face picking got worse and the nausea got worse, causing her to lose a lot of weight. This is when I started slipping into a caretaker role. I would help her apply ointment to her face after she would pick, in an attempt to make her feel better about it and to possibly help it heal. I tried to be aware of when she was doing it (would disappear into the bathroom for long periods of time), and try to intervene. I tried to find her foods that she would eat, because she was becoming seriously underweight (to the point that it was a serious medical issue).

At the same time I was the only one working, trying to advance in my career, and probably becoming more and more resentful of her. My ex-wife was not seeing a therapist/psychiatrist at this time.

MARRIED LIFE

My ex-wife's symptoms got progressively worse. The face picking got so bad that she would have big cuts and scabs over most of her face. This would take weeks to heal. We had to cancel plans with friends and family very often because she was embarrassed to be seen. I was afraid to leave her alone because I didn't want her to hurt herself more. My monitoring became more controlling, I felt like I had to stop her from picking. I thought that if she could stop picking everything would be normal, she would have friends and a job. I would often come home from work to her having completely torn up her face. On several occasions we were both concerned that she might have a serious infection. This is when we both agreed that if we had a security camera I could call her and intervene on her picking if I noticed she was doing it while I was at work. In retrospect this was a horrible decision. I became obsessed about stopping her self-harm, it occupied large amounts of my time and brain power.

My wife started to become angry at me that I was not helping her enough. She expected me to help her find supplements that might fix her problem. I tried but failed at this. She went to multiple psychiatrists who prescribed different SSRIS/Benzos/Anti-Psychotics, none of them worked. She became obsessed with finding a "cure", and became more resentful of me for not being able to find one for her. Looking back, this was crazy. It was crazy to even try to help with this. I'm not a doctor and am obviously not qualified to be helping with this. But she kept switching psychiatrists and I didn't know what to do. I was scared, frustrated, and becoming more resentful.

Our debts continue to grow and my resentment about her not having a job continued to grow. She became increasingly aggressive. She started smoking a lot of weed. She would throw things at me and on one occurrence broke my computer by throwing it against the wall. This is when our fights became more out of control with name-calling and screaming matches. I never hit her or broke any of her things.

DBT/BPD DIAGNOSIS

My ex-wife started seeing a new psychiatrist. I started going to some appointments with her to do some couples-type counseling. After a couple of these sessions I decided to do some individual therapy (at the same doctor). After months of not saying anything, I started telling him about some of my ex-wife's more violent outbursts. With my permission he brought this up with her in individual sessions. After a couple of sessions he diagnosed her with BPD and recommended DBT.

Our insurance didn't cover DBT, but I was happy to pay for it. I trusted the doctor and thought it would work. She was excited to do DBT and it seemed to be helping. Then she seemingly "split" on her DBT therapist and would use face-picking as an excuse to cancel appointments. She quit DBT after missing more appointments then was allowed by the program. After this I came to the concussing, with my doctor, that I was in an abusive relationship and needed to get out. I gave her an ultimatum, go to DBT, or we are going to get separated. I eventually moved out.

AFTERMATH

I understand, intellectually, that this relationship was extremely difficult, and I was not equipped to handle it. I did my best to try to provide for my wife (was our sole income source for out entire relationship). I tried to help her with her problems, tried to encourage her, care for her, etc. That said, I definitely slipped into a caretake role, we became co-dependent, and it was totally unhealthy for both of us. Occasionally, after being accused of gaslighting her, being gay, being a psychopath, not caring for her, not doing anything for her, among other insults; I would resort to name calling, and said some terrible things to her, I'm not proud of this and wish that I could have kept my cool. I'm starting to understand now that if I had been more assertive and less passive, I could have prevented all of the built of resentment and dealt with conflict in a more productive way.

I'm still struggling with issues of guilt. She started to get "worse" the closer we got and the longer we were together. My brain has trouble accepting that I did not CAUSE her BPD. I tend to be very self-critical (in other parts of my life as well). Sometimes when I am feeling anxious I can actually "hear" her in my head telling me that I am worthless, that she hates me, that I am the one with BPD, that I am an abusive, manipulative gaslighter (all things that she said to me). I will sometimes loop this over in my head over and over again and have a panic attack. I know that these things are not true. I know that I did my best and never wanted to hurt or manipulate her, and that this was extraordinarily difficult situation. I know that my other relationships with friends/family/girlfriend are healthy, and that this is pretty good evidence that I am not the monster that she told me I was.

How long does it take for these thoughts to go away? I am still going to therapy and working through my passivity (doing some assertiveness training). I feel better than I did but sometimes, like last night, I have these episodes that cause enormous psychic pain.

I know this is long, and I greatly appreciate the opportunity to write this all out, and hopefully have a conversation with some people that can relate. Thank you!

[keyboardpusher]

Hi everyone, I've been a long time lurker of the forum, but had some trouble last night and though it might help to write out what I have been thinking/experiencing and get some perspective from people who have been through similar situations.

I separated from my wife of 5 years (dated for 4 years before that) last April. We have a settlement agreement and I am currently paying spousal maintenance to her, but the divorce has not been finalized yet. My ex-wife has BPD(?), that was diagnosed by her psychiatrist (after 4 others had diagnosed her with an anxiety disorder in the preceding years), she went to DBT for several months, but quit/was kicked out because she kept missing appointments.

I'm going to break down what I think the most significant "points" in our relationship are in an effort to keep this organized, it's been a while since I have though about this in a really organized manner, so I think it might be helpful for me to do this.

BEGINNING OF MY EX-WIFE'S "VISIBLE" ANXIETY SYMPTOMS

The year before we got married we lived together in a college town apartment (while I was finishing up my graduate studies), she had planned to find work and study for her graduate school entrance exams while I was finishing up school, but quickly gave up on finding a job and did not feel like she could adequately prepare for her entrance exams (started complaining of anxiety that was distracting her from studying).

Looking back my reaction to this was not ideal. She was a strong student in college, and it was hard for me to understand why she wasn't able to study for the test. I am generally disorganized and a procrastinatory, so my advice to her was largely coming from a place of my own experiences. Basically I would tell her that I know she can do better, and she just needs to try harder, organize her study better, and stay persistent. I didn't really care much about her not having a job at this point. Living solely off of my student loans and some support from her parents was tough, but I was young and didn't think too much about the consequences of taking on debt, or the feelings of resentment that would build from being the sole provider in our relationship (more about this later).

As the year continued, her symptoms started to get worse, she became very depressed, was nauseated all the time, and started developing a very severe face skin picking problem (something she did as a teenager in response to acne). She went to a psychiatrist and was prescribed an SSRI, but it didn't work for her, she refused to do therapy (aside from a few sessions). At this point she was convinced that the nausea was caused by a physical illness, but multiple doctors could not find anything wrong.

I started to become more resentful of her at this point. Our social life was becoming severely limited by her face picking (she would refuse to go out after picking her face), and I felt guilty about going out without her, but was not assertive enough to take care of myself and instead starting building resent. We started arguing more, the arguments started to get louder and longer.

LIVING WITH HER PARENTS, GETTING MARRIED

After graduating from school we moved in with my ex-wife's parents. I always liked her parents and got along with them well. My ex-wife's face picking got worse and the nausea got worse, causing her to lose a lot of weight. This is when I started slipping into a caretaker role. I would help her apply ointment to her face after she would pick, in an attempt to make her feel better about it and to possibly help it heal. I tried to be aware of when she was doing it (would disappear into the bathroom for long periods of time), and try to intervene. I tried to find her foods that she would eat, because she was becoming seriously underweight (to the point that it was a serious medical issue).

At the same time I was the only one working, trying to advance in my career, and probably becoming more and more resentful of her. My ex-wife was not seeing a therapist/psychiatrist at this time.

MARRIED LIFE

My ex-wife's symptoms got progressively worse. The face picking got so bad that she would have big cuts and scabs over most of her face. This would take weeks to heal. We had to cancel plans with friends and family very often because she was embarrassed to be seen. I was afraid to leave her alone because I didn't want her to hurt herself more. My monitoring became more controlling, I felt like I had to stop her from picking. I thought that if she could stop picking everything would be normal, she would have friends and a job. I would often come home from work to her having completely torn up her face. On several occasions we were both concerned that she might have a serious infection. This is when we both agreed that if we had a security camera I could call her and intervene on her picking if I noticed she was doing it while I was at work. In retrospect this was a horrible decision. I became obsessed about stopping her self-harm, it occupied large amounts of my time and brain power.

My wife started to become angry at me that I was not helping her enough. She expected me to help her find supplements that might fix her problem. I tried but failed at this. She went to multiple psychiatrists who prescribed different SSRIS/Benzos/Anti-Psychotics, none of them worked. She became obsessed with finding a "cure", and became more resentful of me for not being able to find one for her. Looking back, this was crazy. It was crazy to even try to help with this. I'm not a doctor and am obviously not qualified to be helping with this. But she kept switching psychiatrists and I didn't know what to do. I was scared, frustrated, and becoming more resentful.

Our debts continue to grow and my resentment about her not having a job continued to grow. She became increasingly aggressive. She started smoking a lot of weed. She would throw things at me and on one occurrence broke my computer by throwing it against the wall. This is when our fights became more out of control with name-calling and screaming matches. I never hit her or broke any of her things.

DBT/BPD DIAGNOSIS

My ex-wife started seeing a new psychiatrist. I started going to some appointments with her to do some couples-type counseling. After a couple of these sessions I decided to do some individual therapy (at the same doctor). After months of not saying anything, I started telling him about some of my ex-wife's more violent outbursts. With my permission he brought this up with her in individual sessions. After a couple of sessions he diagnosed her with BPD and recommended DBT.

Our insurance didn't cover DBT, but I was happy to pay for it. I trusted the doctor and thought it would work. She was excited to do DBT and it seemed to be helping. Then she seemingly "split" on her DBT therapist and would use face-picking as an excuse to cancel appointments. She quit DBT after missing more appointments then was allowed by the program. After this I came to the concussing, with my doctor, that I was in an abusive relationship and needed to get out. I gave her an ultimatum, go to DBT, or we are going to get separated. I eventually moved out.

AFTERMATH

I understand, intellectually, that this relationship was extremely difficult, and I was not equipped to handle it. I did my best to try to provide for my wife (was our sole income source for out entire relationship). I tried to help her with her problems, tried to encourage her, care for her, etc. That said, I definitely slipped into a caretake role, we became co-dependent, and it was totally unhealthy for both of us. Occasionally, after being accused of gaslighting her, being gay, being a psychopath, not caring for her, not doing anything for her, among other insults; I would resort to name calling, and said some terrible things to her, I'm not proud of this and wish that I could have kept my cool. I'm starting to understand now that if I had been more assertive and less passive, I could have prevented all of the built of resentment and dealt with conflict in a more productive way.

I'm still struggling with issues of guilt. She started to get "worse" the closer we got and the longer we were together. My brain has trouble accepting that I did not CAUSE her BPD. I tend to be very self-critical (in other parts of my life as well). Sometimes when I am feeling anxious I can actually "hear" her in my head telling me that I am worthless, that she hates me, that I am the one with BPD, that I am an abusive, manipulative gaslighter (all things that she said to me). I will sometimes loop this over in my head over and over again and have a panic attack. I know that these things are not true. I know that I did my best and never wanted to hurt or manipulate her, and that this was extraordinarily difficult situation. I know that my other relationships with friends/family/girlfriend are healthy, and that this is pretty good evidence that I am not the monster that she told me I was.

How long does it take for these thoughts to go away? I am still going to therapy and working through my passivity (doing some assertiveness training). I feel better than I did but sometimes, like last night, I have these episodes that cause enormous psychic pain.

I know this is long, and I greatly appreciate the opportunity to write this all out, and hopefully have a conversation with some people that can relate. Thank you!

[JNChell]

Hi, keyboardpusher. Welcome to BPDFfamily. It’s a good thing to organize your thoughts and list them out. That’s one of the great perks of posting here. You can receive/give support while also journaling. This is a great community.

BEGINNING OF MY EX-WIFE'S "VISIBLE" ANXIETY SYMPTOMS

I think that I see the picture that you’re painting here. What are now red flags to you, weren’t back then. How could they be? You didn’t know about this stuff back then. You were trying to encourage her, but it sounds like you understand that she may have viewed your encouragement as invalidating and possibly threatening. Again, you didn’t know about this stuff, and it sounds like she had issues with awareness and acceptance of her own issues. You weren’t responsible for her feelings.

LIVING WITH HER PARENTS, GETTING MARRIED

You tried your best to care for her, and showed her a great deal of compassion. The thing is, she had to care more about herself for this dynamic to work. What was her parent’s reaction to the picking and eating disorder?

MARRIED LIFE

This makes me sad to read. You just wanted to help, and wanted everything to be ok. Again, she wasn’t willing to help herself. What can you really do with that?

DBT/BPD DIAGNOSIS

It might not seem like it, but you’re fortunate to know that she is clinically diagnosed with BPD and that the specialist that diagnosed her helped you to get out of that abusive relationship. The great majority of the members here aren’t gifted that information and guidance that really allow them to see past the feelings that are involved in relationships like this.

AFTERMATH

Try not to beat yourself up so much. Like you said, you weren’t equipped for it. Who is? These relationships are basically impossible to maintain. Yes, your resentment grew and you said things that you wish you hadn’t. Try to look at it from a higher altitude. From the outside looking in. Would you look down on your best friend for reacting the same way, in the same situation? Your feelings matter as well, my friend.

You could never save her, and it’s not your burden to do so. Her deep seeded issues are her’s. Had she grasped recovery, you could’ve supported her, but she never did that. It’s her cross to bare.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey keyboard pusher, 

Welcome!  Where do things stand legally with your Ex?  Are you separated?  Are you going through a divorce?  No, you didn't cause your Ex to get BPD, as much as she might blame you for it.  Your task, I suggest, is to decline to listen to her hurtful messages or to replay them over and over in your head.  I have a saying: Poison is harmless if you don't ingest it.  So don't take her messages to heart.  Those w/BPD will foist blame on the Non to get it off their plate.  The reality is that most BPD relationships are not built to last.  Just the way it is with BPD.  As JNChell suggests, don't beat yourself up!  It's doubtful that anything you did or didn't do would have changed the outcome.

Feel free to pose any questions.

LuckyJim       

[Mutt]

Hey keyboardpusher,

You didn’t know about this stuff back then.

I just want to say welcome to the group and thanks for deciding to join the discussions after lurking the boards for awhile. I just want to add to what JNChell said about not knowing about this stuff.l back then, a r/s takes two people, I’ll use Skips analogy it’s like a tennis match you have thousands of transactions that go back and forth in a r/sims you would have on a tennis court with the players hitting the ball back and forth.

She has her share too in the r/s, you might want to search the forums for BPD hermit and see if the article rings true to your situation. It sounds, and I’m just touching on on part of her compartment here but she had a complicated way of dealing with situations that would require her to be pitied if the house and dealing with people in public and it became a maladaptive coping mechanism for her.

Another maladaptive coping mechanism is blame shifting or projecting the parts of her herself that have negative emotions attached to them and she casts those portions of herself in others - people that are really close to her.

She started to get "worse" the closer we got and the longer we were together. My brain has trouble accepting that I did not CAUSE her BPD.

This is a hallmark of the disorder - it’s triggered not by the significant other although we do become triggers because as you described and as others can relate with - we become resentful and that has a way of coming indirectly in our tone, mannerisms etc or directly sometimes in conflict for example and although in the exterior a pwBPD may seem really resilient because of their unwavering rigidness they’re actually quite fearful and will emotionally collapse.

BPD is triggered by intimacy. It’s called an invisible disorder if you’re not really close to a pwBPD you don’t see the acting out.

It happens, many of us can relate to becoming resentful, think about it this way you were dealing with a complicated and one of the most difficult mental illness with little or no professional training.

How long does it take for these thoughts to go away? I am still going to therapy and working through my passivity (doing some assertiveness training). I feel better than I did but sometimes, like last night, I have these episodes that cause enormous psychic pain.

I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through a difficult time. It takes as long as it takes. If I can make a suggestion when you feel like the psychic pain is starting to come on come here and start a discussion about it, you can post from your phone and it helps to talk about it. You’ll feel better not going through that psychic pain alone, unburden yourself by sharing the load that you’re carrying by yourself with the group here. You’re not alone.