Why am I not interested in this guy?

[zachira]

Every few months, I run into this guy at the park. I can never remember his face or ever having talked to him, yet it is clear he knows me from what he says. He seems very interested in me. I am an extrovert, very interested in nearly everybody, and usually don't forget people. I have been working on having healthier relationships. I am wondering why I can't seem to remember this guy to save my life.

[Turkish]

 Is there anything attractive about him to you?

[zachira]

Turkish,
I am just indifferent to him. I am wondering if I am only attracted to men who are bad news.

[Turkish]

Is it the possible drama? Need to "fix" or soothe or help or rescue if that might be so? I can relate.

Or it could be as simple as you aren't attracted to him.  We can tend to overanalyze things.

[Lucky Jim]

hey Zachira, I suggest you go with your gut feelings.  As Turkish suggests, maybe there is no chemistry with this guy?  It's OK to decline to get involved.

LuckyJim

[zachira]

Two things concern me about this guy:
1) Maybe I am disocciating when I see him. I was left in the crib most of the day as a baby and have had many years of therapy to deal with my challenges with disocciation.
2) I have had many painful experiences in relationships and friendships wanting attention from people who are like my immediate and extended family members with BPD and NPD. I keep working on loving kindness for myself and others. I am wondering if I am filtering him out because he might actually be a nice guy, and my radar is only on for those guys who will mistreat me.

[JNChell]

Hey, z. It could be any of the things that have been discussed here. You’re coming out of, and still dealing with, a painful situation with the passing of your mother, the property involved and not being able to have some keepsakes that have meaning to you. That’s a heavy burden to carry right now. Also, the chemistry thing. As a strong, adult female that has done a lot of positive work, maybe you just know. It’s perfectly fine to meet folks that are physically attractive and have positive characteristics and not be romantically interested in them. Nature plays a big part.

I’m convinced that you would spot a BPD/NPD in a very timely manner, so don’t worry about that. You know what it is, and you know what it does and you’ll never get tangled up in that again.

With that being said, it sounds like you’re worried about your “normal” doing the picking for you. That will always be a factor for a lot of us here. Personally, I think that this is where we are very mindful to take our time and pay very close attention to a potential partner, and see what lines up with our values, virtues and what we’ve learned on our healing path.

[Turkish]

 But are you attracted to him?  In any way.

[zachira]

Turkish, Lucky Jim, JNChell,
Thank you for helping me to process all this. I do think that what is bothering me about this guy, is I am dissociating when I see him. I am very good at remembering people's faces and what we talk about. I can't remember his face for the life of me, and the past conversations. In my experience, healthy people have a constructive relationship with all the parts of themselves, and there are never any really big surprises in how they respond with courage and appropriately to the most difficult of situations. People with chronic dissociation like those with BPD and NPD, can be very charming one moment, and raging the next. The worst kind of dissociation is Dissociative Identity Disorder, in which the people affected have multiple personalities: one personality can not remember what the other personalities have done. I know that I have lots more work to do on becoming more of a whole consistent person, and no longer being triggered as often by painful feelings that I do not understand or know how to deal with. With this guy, it upsets me that I could just go off into space like that. I though I had gotten over most of the dissociation, which means I have some more work to do in becoming a more integrated whole person.  

[JNChell]

Hmm. Maybe the dissociation is due to the childhood. Not being wired to accept a person like the guy that you’re talking about. Obviously, I don’t know. It’s simply a random thought. Many of us here have a history of partnering with people that hurt us. The more I dig my heals in, the more sense it makes.

You mentioned DID. Are you concerned about it, or was it just brought up for the sake of the discussion? There’s a member here that is diagnosed with DID. It’s very interesting.

Weigh everything, zachira. Maybe you’re simply not ready to be vulnerable to a man yet. I understand the things that pull at us. Search yourself. You’ll find your answer there.

[l8kgrl]

Hi Zachira,

I can understand how it would be unnerving to not remember this person who clearly seems to know you. I am by no means an expert in dissociation, but I wonder if there's something about him that is triggering that reaction in you? Maybe it's not that he's healthy but that there's something about him that reminds you of something painful? Just an idea.

This may be a kooky idea, but perhaps if you're at all into dreams, you could put the thought out there before you go to sleep - whether there is something about this person or your reaction to him that you need to be aware of?

[Turkish]

What do you feel triggers you about him?

[zachira]

I really have no idea what makes me totally forget this guy and not notice him. I don't think I will figure that out. The important message for me is that I have more work to do on my challenges with dissociation.

[SinisterComplex]

Zachira...please give yourself a break. Goodness it is like you are going on mental overload. Over thinking and over analyzing. Its like you are having a tug of war with yourself. In a sense almost like you are trying to convince yourself to be attracted to this guy. Why? Honestly, you are causing yourself stress with this for no good reason. Chillax. Then you go on with this line of thought that maybe you are only attracted to men who are bad news? Please be kind to yourself and not so critical of yourself. That negative self talk serves no purpose.

I mean its almost like you are trying to will it into reality that you "only" have a radar for guys who will mistreat you and that are bad news. Remember how the law of attraction works here...if that is what you think and believe it is what you will project and that is what will find you. In essence, cut this nonsense out. Get rid of the mental blocks and make space for better opportunities and people to enter your life. Want better, expect better, do better!

Cheers!

-SC-

[JNChell]

Do you ever find yourself driving for a while and then wonder how you got there so fast? But you got there safely and in control? That happens to me from time to time. Sometimes I will simply space out.

I hope that the responses didn’t overwhelm you. If they did, you know that you can bring it back here and be met with open arms.

[JNChell]

SinisterComplex, go collect yourself. When you’re ready, come back to talk.

[zachira]

JNChell,
You are describing normal dissociation when you are driving and space out for a short period of time. Abnormal dissociation is when a person loses touch with reality for long periods of time and is unaware what is going on inside themselves and around them.
Thank you for your caring reply.
I feel I have my answer now knowing that dissociation is the problem, and I do not need to know why it is happening with this guy. I just need to continue to work on being present in the moment and reducing the amount of time I am dysfunctionally dissociating.

[JNChell]

Go outside and breathe in the air. Ya know what, I’m gonna do that to.

I did that as a toddler. I got my bare ass beat with a wooden paddle. It got worse from there. I can still here my screams. I know what disassociation is. As I grew, that’s how I got by.

You’re not dysfunctional. If you were dysfunctional you wouldn’t be here doing what you do.

What is it like when you dissociate? Does it come out of nowhere sometimes?

[zachira]

JNChell,
I am not saying I am dysfunctional. I am saying at times I have unhealthy dissociation. It does not happen very much anymore. I run into this guy every few weeks or months, and I can't for the life of me remember our conversation or his face, so I am dissociating as I don't forget people.

[JNChell]

Fair enough. Are you ok? It’s so hard to know through text, but you don’t sound like you normally do. Don’t shut us out. Come on now.

[zachira]

I am doing fine. I just want to keep my mind open to any ways I am shutting out information that affects my fully enjoying life. How are you?