When He Won't Get Help...

[SandCastle7]

Hi everyone.

I've been married to "Dean" for 2 years and we've been together 5. We are in our 50s, second marriage for both.

Dean's first marriage ended 13 years ago when he was diagnosed with a major, life-threatening illness and his wife of 20 years and mother of his 3 kids promptly walked out on him for a woman. He divorced her a few years later when his health stabilized.

He then dated a much younger woman (he wasn't looking for a serious relationship or to get married again) who turned out to be an alcoholic and after a couple of years on and off he broke up with her due to her erratic behavior and inability to hold a job.

I met him about a year after he ended it with her.

He told me when we first started dating she had started texting him again. By the third time he mentioned it, I said, well thanks for being honest but why don't you just block her? And he said, I don't want to hurt her feelings. I asked if he was responding, he said no, I said well then you aren't going to hurt her feelings. A week or so after that his phone went off very early in the morning and woke us both up. I said, it's her isn't it. He looked and said yes and I said you need to block her today. This is out of control and it has to stop. He said he would.

Fast forward a few years. We got married in 2019 and moved to a new city. Six months later, the cheating accusations started. Since January 2020, he has accused me on 7 occasions of cheating and plotting to leave him and move in with 3 different men and 1 woman. These are all people I was doing business of some kind with, none of whom I know very well. One of the men I have never even met in person. The woman is a lesbian and is a long-term relationship. He has met both of them. Only 1 of them (a man) lived in the same city as us, the rest all live in other states, so I'm not seeing them in person. Plus, we have all spent the past year in various stages of quarantine and lockdown due to the pandemic.

The accusations come out of nowhere. He literally turns into a different person and the anger, cruelty and sarcasm that come out of his mouth are stunning.

I've told him 3 times I want a divorce and then he says he's very sorry, pleads for forgiveness and promises to go to counseling. He was diagnosed with PTSD from the way his wife left him last summer. But he hasn't stayed in therapy. By the third visit - and he's only made it to the third visit  once - he complains they aren't helping him. He went to the third therapist twice and came home and declared himself cured because he understands why his ex-wife left.

We just had a joint counseling session that I asked for to clear the decks of all of this ugliness and move forward. I was astounded at the lies and delusions that came out of his mouth. I found the old girlfriend texting him on Easter Sunday and he denied contact with her until I asked to see his phone and read out loud the message exchange they had that day. His excuse? "Oh, I forgot about that." So he's actually never been out of touch with her since we got together.

I am 100% certain he doesn't want to go back to either of the exes. But... WTH? I also found out by accident last fall he hadn't blocked his ex-wife as he told me he had and she was texting him random, unnecessary BS on a regular basis and he was responding. He's still paying her a lot of money each month in alimony (ends next year, finally) - he lied about that amount to me, just found that out in March. It's an eye-watering amount of money.

He's a good person in so many ways. We do love each other. But this past 18 months has been VERY hard. I've had several people suggest he might be BPD and I looked it up and read about it yesterday and I believe that is the case.

I'm unwilling to put up with the anger, passive aggressive outbursts, emotional/verbal abuse and the lying any longer. He admitted his mother was like this.

He will not go to counseling. In crisis moments he has flashes of clarity where he realizes he has a problem but then within a day or two doesn't want to talk about it any longer.

He is a very successful IT professional and great at what he does. Has his own company.

I am not in a financial position to walk out. We were on the verge of divorce in March. I'm working on building my business so I have options.

In the meantime, until I can leave if I decide that's what has to happen, what can I do to keep my sanity and how do I deal with him when he has a rage fit or accuses me of cheating again? I've stopped arguing or engaging when he's in a fit. Then he will ignore me for a day or two. And then act like nothing happened.

This is so bizarre. He's otherwise a good guy who treats me very well and we have a lovely, comfortable life and have fun together. It's very hard to understand, I feel like I"m living with a schizophrenic. He's terrified of being abandoned, in my opinion. It's not really that he seriously thinks I"m cheating on him.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Breakingpoint13]

I’m sorry you are going through this.

My ex constantly accused me! Constantly! He would read through my phone, emails, he even took numbers from my phone and called them. ( I was in aware at the time because the males said they were too afraid to tell me incase it made things worse. / he actually told me himself one time in a rage).

When exactly the same he was allowed female friends. He actually got with the mother of his child one month after his “ex killed herself” and she was pregnant two weeks later and he was messaging her whilst she was engaged to another man. When I first started seeing him he warned me that a stripper may turn up who was obsessed with him who he had gone ina few dates with. And he apparently had no idea how she had his address. Looking back now absolutely nothing adds up. I have no idea from anything what the truth was. I’m a very honest person so when others say they are I just assume they are telling the truth.

These accusations are on them: a insecure person is never going to let you progress in life. With my ex it’s become clear he resents me for the traits that I have and he doesn’t. He has no desire to better himself so bringing me down to his level is the only way for him. Up until now I’ve let that happen: my ex even went as far to read a therapy diary from years ago, a feeling which is so violating. That my private thoughts have been read when they weren’t there to be seen.

We hope we can change them, we hope we can be with the person they want to be, but the truth is. They want to be who we are, they want the strengths that we posses and they will never be that person they pretend to be. That love and care and empathy we have to them. We now need to start giving to ourselves. Why are we putting ourself through so much pain. We are accountable for that!  I hope you find the strength to walk away. It’s not easy but you’re worth more in this life. As we all are!

[Jabiru]

In the meantime, until I can leave if I decide that's what has to happen, what can I do to keep my sanity and how do I deal with him when he has a rage fit or accuses me of cheating again? I've stopped arguing or engaging when he's in a fit. Then he will ignore me for a day or two. And then act like nothing happened.

In my experience, I would also detach myself from the situation by telling him you need "x" minutes/hours to yourself when he's in a fit. It's your decision what you're comfortable with and will tolerate (your limits). It's his decision to ignore you for a day or two. JADE usually makes things worse.

For your sanity, focus on self care for yourself. I take an hour of daily alone time to relax, read, think. Get a massage, talk with friends, go to a restaurant.