Painful fighting & Momentary separation breaks my heart- where to go from here?

[MandyMindy]

Basically i don’t want to go back to the same old but we don’t see any way out of our gridlock dynamics.
Dear community,

I’m married to and have a toddler with a person with bpd traits, undiagnosed. I just moved out for a while so we’re “Broken up”. I don’t want to live without him and yet we’re so entangled that relationship is frequently and out of the now no fun.
I struggle with hearing critique and owning my parts in conflict. I moved out because he had agreed to get therapy, finally after years of me asking, but now admitted that he agreed under pressure and would only follow through if I got therapy about my own issues that he has with me, not those related to him (such as setting boundaries). I don’t want to go back to the same and yet i don’t know how to create change. We’ve had many therapists and worked with self help books but struggle being consistent, and none of the therapies acknowledged his traits of devalueing and anger. He questions if he has bpd and now thinks i have a lot of narcissistic traits. I have some and yet I’m much more codependent than narcissistic. His experience is that people are selfish and so am I in his perception.
I am from Europe and we live in the USA so it’s very tricky regarding splitting up because I both want him to be in our baby’s life and also want to go back home. This is a repeat of my parents regarding splitting up and i really don’t want this. I tried to join the “staying “ group and it doesn’t work.
I’m not really sure what to write or say. I wish i could be more clear to not take things on (“projective identification”.)
Regarding sex life, i haven’t felt open/trusting because of the frequent emotional pain i experience from him villifying me, pottying me down, making you statements, lack/inability to empathize etc
We currently react to each other most of  the time and are not able to repair so there’sa huge buildup.
I’m not sure what I’m doing with having left the shared home. We don’t work together but usually fight against each other. Power struggles. I’m feeling heartbroken. Since the start of our relationship I’ve wondered if he even loves me because he doesn’t like a lot of what I’m doing/how i am and reacts to things that most people do not react to. For example most people might appreciate something I’m doing due to the good intention beneath it, while he rejects me for it.
I believe he could heal but he’s still fighting to own his part.
I’d love support and feel like we’d need family therapy/he need good therapy and me help with boundaries.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[babyducks]

Welcome MandyMindy,

You've made a brave decision by posting on this site.   you've found a place where people have gone through the same thing you are now.    we have all been in your shoes and understand the feelings.

There is a lot of information on this site so take your time and browse around.   Take a look at the Lessons and Tools sections.    I'd suggest a good place to start is here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62266.0

In the Lessons and Tools you'll find things you can do.    Things you can change to break the cycle of conflict you are both stuck in.    It's not easy.    It takes real work.

He questions if he has bpd and now thinks i have a lot of narcissistic traits. I have some and yet I’m much more codependent than narcissistic.

I'd suggest you focus less on labels and more on behavior.   Everyone has traits of something.   What matters is how they get expressed in the relationship.

We currently react to each other most of  the time and are not able to repair so there’s a huge buildup.

Most people arrive here in a lot of conflict.    Usually there has been a long period of difficulties and both partners are highly reactive to each other.    The stress and strain has built up inside the relationship until a breakpoint has occurred.  In those type situations taking a break is not a bad idea.   Allowing for a cooling off period.    During the cooling off period you can take time to identify what you want and the best way to achieve that.

what do you think?

'ducks