Trying to make it work

[Kaufmann]

I've been dating someone who displays many symptoms of BPD. For years now, we've had a very, very rocky relationship -- high highs and low lows. The last few months have been awful, and I recently found out that she cheated on me. I'm addicted to her, and I think in love with her. I know that I care about her deeply. I recently started recently "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and am starting to feel saner and more empowered. Not sure what the future holds, but I do want to connect with others with similar experiences.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Kaufmann]

For seven years now, I've had an on-again, off-again relationship with a woman I'll call Aimee. I love her for so many reasons. In the past, I was the one who messed things up. It's embarrassing to admit, but here goes. I was "one of those guys," someone who loved Aimee but feared losing my ex-wife, and so I kept going back and forth between these two women. I was always honest, but nonetheless my behavior hurt Aimee deeply. I would say my behavior devastated her. I would try to be with her, but then fear would send my back to my ex-wife. I received therapy, and finally I moved on with my life -- bought my own house, proved I was able to be happy by myself.

Aimee reached out again this year, and it instantly became clear that we still loved one another. Loved on another deeply, passionately. All year we have spent a ton of time together. Time talking and joking. Time kissing and cuddling. Time hanging out her kids. When things are good, they're so good. I feel so alive, so happy when I'm with her and her children. And when things are bad, they're hellish.

Hellish because Aimee, I believe, most likely has BPD. The hell comes because she doesn't trust me. She doesn't trust me because in the past I kept going back to my ex-wife. Even seemingly innocent actions on my part can trigger her anger. For example, the other day I didn't like a picture of her posted on Facebook, and she reacted with anger, believing this was evidence that I didn't really care about her.

For months I felt confused, dizzy. I'm now learning about BPD and starting to understand why she does the things she does. Most of her blow-ups, I now see, occur because she believes I've betrayed, believes I've giving some evidence that I'm going to return to my old ways and again leave her.

I love this woman. I know things with her will mostly likely always be difficult, but I'm not ready to give up on this relationship. I love her, and I know beyond question that she loves me. But here's my question. Given my past actions of saying I loved her but then returning to my ex-wife, do you think I have hope? Most women, I understand, would take time to trust me again (if ever). Given Aimee's probable BPD, do you think I will ever be able to make progress and win enough trust for our relationship to make any progress?

[Kaufmann]

Yesterday felt like heaven. She seemed so into me. We joked around, flirted. Today I can tell she's pushing me away. She wants to hang out as friends, but she's pushing me away. I go from having so much hope to having very little.

Yesterday she seemed perfect to me. Today I see that she can be incredibly selfish. And yet I still find myself feeling sad over her.

[Harri]

Hi Kaufmann.

I'm glad you reached out.  Your relationship sounds complicated for sure.

I love this woman. I know things with her will mostly likely always be difficult, but I'm not ready to give up on this relationship. I love her, and I know beyond question that she loves me. But here's my question. Given my past actions of saying I loved her but then returning to my ex-wife, do you think I have hope? Most women, I understand, would take time to trust me again (if ever). Given Aimee's probable BPD, do you think I will ever be able to make progress and win enough trust for our relationship to make any progress?

I don't know the answer to this.  Like you said, these relationships are more difficult overall.  I am not sure how one wins trust to be honest with you.  It is generally something that is proven over time. 

I do know that as the healthier partner, it will fall on you to be the strong one, to have strong boundaries and emotional strength to ride through the difficult times.  It is good to get clear on what it will take to have a successful relationship with someone with BPD.  It can be done, but it involves work.  We have an article here that lays it out:  The Do's and Don'ts of a BPD Relationship See what you think.

How are you dealing with the fact that she cheated on you?  Can you give us more details around that? 

[Kaufmann]

Harri,

Thank you for your response.

She was dating another man earlier in the year. I told her that she had a right to date someone else but only asked that she be honest about it. She kept hiding it from me. I'm not justifying her lies, but I think she did so because she genuinely loves me and feared that I would abandon her if I learned the truth. She insisted that this man was essentially her "backup plan," saying she didn't love him but feared that I would again leave her.

We began couples therapy in March, and in April she told me that she had ended her relationship with this man. Things were great for about 4 weeks. We talked about getting married. We talked about adopting a baby together. I bought a house in May, one big enough for her and her two children to eventually move into. I did this mainly to prove to her that I was serious about our relationship. When I purchased the house, she was so happy, and we started making plans.

And then the day I took possession of the house, she freaked out. For example: (a) she told me that I should have waited to buy a house with her, that she'd always dreamed of going house-shopping with her future husband, even though she had in fact encouraged me to buy the house; (b) that night, as we sat on her front porch, I told her that I missed her, and she said that I was smothering her, even though over the past several days she was frequently telling me how much she missed me.

Over the next few days she started to attack me, interpreting things I'd said or hadn't said as proof that I didn't love her. For instance, my mother and stepfather came over one night, and we listened as they talked about their trip to New York. Later that night, Aimee starting texting me, accusing me of being ashamed of her because I hadn't added to the conversation by saying anything about her and my trip to New York.

Things just got worse and worse, and then about two weeks later, I found out that she spent the night at this man's house. And I was sad. So sad. And I told her that she'd hurt me but that we could remain friends. And then when I told her that I was going to start dating other people, she started to sob and begged me to give her another chance.

The past two weeks have been incredibly tumultuous. We've gone from being friends to being lovers to being friends again. Right now she's in therapy. She's dealing with a great deal of anxiety and says that she needs to get right before she's ready to be in a relationship. I see her every day. We do friend things, but we also hug and cuddle and occasionally admit that we still love one another deeply. Some days she obviously loves me romantically, and some days she pushes me away. I'm trying to remain emotionally regulated and hoping that she'll soon be ready to make some sort of commitment. I don't think she's currently seeing this other man, but I'm worried that she will again.