He’s abruptly moved out - engulfed?

[Suspicious1]

Some of you might remember me posting before several years ago. My partner split me black and I didn’t hear from him for five years, before he reappeared. He popped up back into my life in November, and I re-engaged because I thought it might help bring closure. Surprisingly it did in terms of the previous episodes and I don’t regret re-engaging for a minute. In the five years we’d been apart he’d got a diagnosis of BPD and done a lot of DBT, and we were both in a different place emotionally. Things have been basically stable for the seven months we’ve been together.

We each have our own homes. He moved into mine for Lockdown (we’re in the UK) so from around April he was here and it was working really well. He was saying he was loving living together and he said it was clear that living together was going to be a permanent thing. He was saying that he would never go back to his to live alone, but that we’d split some time between the two places. Even on Sunday morning he was saying he was having the best time ever living with me.

On Sunday night he said something that upset me, and I became cross and upset. I told him that I didn’t appreciate him talking to me that way, then I walked away to a different room to calm down. This was the first real conflict we’ve had. He left abruptly to go back to his house without saying a word, and the next day (yesterday) came back to collect all his things. He didn’t tell me he was going to do this, he just turned up and packed everything into his car. He’s now saying he needs to just date me, though I suspect I’ve been split black again and he’ll be ending the relationship soon. Since he left he’s been messaging me a lot, telling me how much he loves being in his house. It’s at the point where it feels like he’s over-compensating, either trying to convince himself or just trying to rub my nose in it.

It wasn’t a big conflict, more of a small spat, the kind of thing that happens a lot in relationships (in my experience). I can’t help feeling terrible that he’s reacted in such a way, and can’t get it out of my head that such a tiny thing has created such a massive response. I know this is the way of BPD, but it’s still knocked me. He was adamant that nothing has changed and we’re still in a relationship, but it feels like a massive change, and a total new direction. I’m finding it difficult to adapt and emotionally have responded as if the relationship is over.

I’m not sure how to handle it. Does it sound like engulfment to anyone? I suspect he felt my anger as rejection and ran. I’m not sure what else I can do except reassure him that it’s fine for him to have his space and I’m here if he needs me. At the same time I feel like I’m grieving a breakup, and I need to protect myself which is making me want to stonewall him a bit. Any suggestions or thoughts?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Suspicious1]

God, this is horrible. I've just gone to look round the house and he's cleared out all his drawers so there are no clothes left, nothing in the bathroom. I've found one or two of his things but suspect he's left them by mistake as he's literally cleared everything else as if he's gone for good. It's awful. Anxiety is through the roof. 

[Suspicious1]

Update: I used all the validating behaviours, listened to how he was feeling and asked what I could do to help. He ended up talking through all the options from living together to splitting up. I reassured him that any of those were ok and understandable. He's felt secure enough to re-engage, but with a plan going forward for when he feels overwhelmed. Thanks all x

[once removed]

sometimes partners get back together, and they get a glimpse at what didnt work before.

reconciling really isnt about reconciling so much as what a completely new relationship will look like between the two of you.

its been a few days...any update?