One week emergency separation

[blue_watermelon]

What a low point in our relationship.

Things have been bad for about a month. BPD husband has been very stressed - doesn't have normal access to basketball, is stressed about not having a job and very anxious about access to medications he needs.

He has been behaving in ways that are very manipulative and abusive. eg. video taping me around the house with commentary about how I am a terrible mother, yelling and swearing at me, demanding that I apologize for things I should not apologize for. My brain has been trying to stay afloat under the pressure.

Two days ago husband threw a chair across the room and made a hole in wall. Husband tends to later claim such things did not happen, so I got out my camera and went to make a video. Maybe I should have not done this - it enrages him. But if I don't make documentary evidence then he claims things did not happen. Or controls the narrative. On this occasion when I got out my camera, my husband started providing a voice over saying "that is where YOU threw the chair".
Me "WHAT?"
Husband, "Now you are waiving a knife at me! Put the knife down!" (Video was pointing down at this point).

I went into panic mode at that point. Of course I know I was not holding a knife but when I asked my husband what on earth he was talking about, he pointed to a knife in the drying rack, "That is the knife! You were waving it wildly". I am confused if husband believes I was actually waving a knife or not. Either way I am terrified of the way he is manipulating the narrative about the fight. I call my mother and wonder out loud if I should leave. I start packing. I say I'm going to pick up our son from daycare and go stay with my parents for two days.

While I'm packing, husband takes my car keys, wallet, ipad and laptop and hides them so I can't leave. I find the computer and ipad (in an onion drawer!) but I can't leave without the keys and wallet. I ask husband to tell me where they are and he lies and says he has no idea and didn't hide them. Over speaker, my mother tries to tell my husband that she cares about him but she also says that taking the keys is deemed abuse in this state and she may have to call the police. This will clearly do damage to their relationship. Making me more isolated than over.

The lie and manipulation enrage me. I hide husband's laptop and take his phone hoping to trade them for the car keys. Finally we talk with a friend over the phone on speaker, she helps calm us down and we agree to separate for a week, taking turns to stay in our house with our son, while the other person lives at an airbnb around the corner. I return husband's laptop and phone. But it is only after I've signed an agreement saying I will not take our son further than 15 km away and that our son will not see my parents for the week, that my husband returns my wallet and my keys.

I'm so exhausted. I listened to the video I recorded of us fighting and while my husband is lying, and in the recording I am speaking at a million miles an hour. My heart was clearly racing and I sound terrified and in panic. I can't live under this abuse. I do not want to be in this marriage. But also I do not want to give up easily. I care about my husband. I know we are in the midst of a pandemic. I also know that the road to separation will be very difficult. We are not currently the country where my job is located, so if child custody is fought in this country, I will probably have to lose my job and likely be unemployed for a long time. Suffering is part of life. But I don't know how to manage this situation. It is taxing my mental health. And I'm worried I won't be able to do my job. I spend all day worrying about my husband and trying to make life work. I'm at my limit. I'm stuck. I'm so sad. Surely my husband is suffering too right now. I want to be strong for him. But I can't take the abuse anymore.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[alleyesonme]

Wow.

No idea where to begin here. I'll start by saying I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Dealing with BPD spouses is unbelievably draining.

The first piece of advice that comes to mind for me is that you should have a "Nanny Cam" installed. The one caveat there is that it's illegal in some states (not in mine), so make sure that it's legal where you live before you do it. That will protect you in the future from his lies if the police get involved and/or if you get into a custody battle.

How does he treat your son? And have any of these fights happened in front of your son?

[blue_watermelon]

Hi Alleyesonme,

Thanks for your message. Thankfully the most explosive fights are rarely in front of our son. Occasionally, yes. And I'm worried it could escalate into more. He is mostly good to our son. But when he is really exhausted or troubled, then he can yell at him or just walk away from our son when he is in need. It is rare but troubling. It is something I am keeping tabs on.

The nannycam is an interesting idea. From my first research online, it it might not be legal in my state, but I will look into it further to find out.

[alleyesonme]

Hi Alleyesonme,

Thanks for your message. Thankfully the most explosive fights are rarely in front of our son. Occasionally, yes. And I'm worried it could escalate into more. He is mostly good to our son. But when he is really exhausted or troubled, then he can yell at him or just walk away from our son when he is in need. It is rare but troubling. It is something I am keeping tabs on.

The nannycam is an interesting idea. From my first research online, it it might not be legal in my state, but I will look into it further to find out.

You're very welcome. That's at least somewhat encouraging that it's rarely in front of your son. One thing a therapist told me is that any sort of violence directed toward you in the presence of your son is grounds for calling children's services on your spouse. I need to look into this further myself, but it's possible that a loud bang (from a chair hitting a wall and breaking) would qualify even if your son is in another room and doesn't see it happen. There are a lot of variables to weigh there, but just keep that in mind if you ever anticipate a divorce/custody battle.

Definitely look into the nanny cam a little more, and maybe reach out to some attorneys regarding possible alternatives to that if they're illegal in your state.

My therapist recommended that I try to record my wife's outbursts with my phone, and then play them back for her in a calmer moment to hopefully provide a wake up call. I haven't done it yet, as it's rarely feasible to grab my phone and press record without her knowing in the middle of a heated fight. Also, even if I could do it, she'd probably take my phone and smash it into pieces if I tried to play it back for her. So I'm not necessarily advocating that you try this, but am just passing a tip along that my therapist gave to me.

[blue_watermelon]

Thank you alleyesonme. It is with a heavy heart I can say that I have been thinking over these same things. What my husband does in front of our son and how it might qualify as abuse. These are dark days.

[alleyesonme]

Thank you alleyesonme. It is with a heavy heart I can say that I have been thinking over these same things. What my husband does in front of our son and how it might qualify as abuse. These are dark days.

My heart goes out to you. When I initially replied in this thread, I didn't expect to be in the same position as you, but now I am. Don't mean to derail your thread, but you can check out the details elsewhere (the "I'm honestly repulsed by her" thread) if you're interested.

I say all that to say this: I know what you mean when you say these are dark days. Have you noticed any changes for the better in your husband yet? Or is it still too early to tell? And how is your son handling it thus far?

[blue_watermelon]

Thank you alleyesonme. How quickly things can change. I will read your posts. I'm so sorry things have turned bad.

There have been a lot of changes here- chaotically so. The day before the end of our one week separation, my H asked if we could talk. We agreed that we both felt hurt by the other and needed to build trust. My H suggested he get an apartment and stay there with our son 3-4 days a week. I said that would make both of us stressed and suspicious and not build trust, so one of us could live downstairs and the other upstairs in our current house. H agreed to this and we agreed I would draft a schedule so we knew who was taking our son to daycare, who had the car, who had access to the main kitchen etc.

 We are staying in my parent's second property for two months, and the real estate agent had been slow to draw up the lease (for very discounted rent). Husband insisted he would not come back to the house unless he had a lease backdated 2 months and extending until June 15. Because in his words "otherwise I have no right to be here and don't feel safe". He insisted my name NOT be on the lease. When I heard this I was not happy and it caused my husband to say "either the lease is only in my name or I'm going to take the second apartment and live there with our son". I really wanted to give this moment in our relationship a chance, so I spoke with my parents and we agreed to put the lease only in H's name.


It was hard to draw up the agreement of how H and I would share the house and our son, but I sent the draft to H. H proposed major revisions, I agreed to many of them. What I did not agree to was that every second day I would have no access to the kitchen. Husband argued because there is a "kitchenette" downstairs (microwave and electric kettle), I should agree. I maintained that this was disrespectful to me and in order to make healthy food for myself and our son I needed access to the kitchen for an hour every evening. 

This lead to a huge fight over the course of Saturday evening and Sunday morning. H tried to call me but knowing he would manipulate me over the phone, I refused to pick up. Over email and messenger, H said I was being a "prima donna" "so dramatic" "so silly" "selfish and unwilling to compromise" and pulling "stunts" etc. H said I had been using "physical violence" and he "was the only one with the lease for the house. . . I need you out of my home by 8am". (such a manipulative response after the olive branch we extended to put the lease in his name only hours earlier!)  I checked and it is not legal in our state to evict a husband/wife even if he did want to evict me.

The next morning H said he had thought and prayed about it and if we couldn't agree to an agreement on sharing the house, car and time with son there would be no agreement. He came over the house and has now actually been trying to win me back. He has been using cute couples talk, offering cuddles and trying to act as if all we need to do to fix the situation is to laugh. Tonight when I said I didn't want to kiss him however, he got upset, and started giving me the silent treatment. We have an appointment booked with a relationship councillor on Thursday. I'm feeling scared about it. I know in order for it to be useful (and not just a platform for H's self justification), I need to tell him I am considering divorce and that H is not doing enough to look after his mental health. I am even considering hinting at the fact H probably has BPD and NPD. I really don't want to do this. But the status quo can't continue. I am coming to see this relationship is not good for me, H or even our son.

Son has been more clingy to me. He is happy if I take him for long walk and swim on the beach and seems stressed at times. Thankfully today at daycare, the carers there said he had a happy day. So thankful he can go there.

[alleyesonme]

Thank you alleyesonme. How quickly things can change. I will read your posts. I'm so sorry things have turned bad.

There have been a lot of changes here- chaotically so. The day before the end of our one week separation, my H asked if we could talk. We agreed that we both felt hurt by the other and needed to build trust. My H suggested he get an apartment and stay there with our son 3-4 days a week. I said that would make both of us stressed and suspicious and not build trust, so one of us could live downstairs and the other upstairs in our current house. H agreed to this and we agreed I would draft a schedule so we knew who was taking our son to daycare, who had the car, who had access to the main kitchen etc.

 We are staying in my parent's second property for two months, and the real estate agent had been slow to draw up the lease (for very discounted rent). Husband insisted he would not come back to the house unless he had a lease backdated 2 months and extending until June 15. Because in his words "otherwise I have no right to be here and don't feel safe". He insisted my name NOT be on the lease. When I heard this I was not happy and it caused my husband to say "either the lease is only in my name or I'm going to take the second apartment and live there with our son". I really wanted to give this moment in our relationship a chance, so I spoke with my parents and we agreed to put the lease only in H's name.


It was hard to draw up the agreement of how H and I would share the house and our son, but I sent the draft to H. H proposed major revisions, I agreed to many of them. What I did not agree to was that every second day I would have no access to the kitchen. Husband argued because there is a "kitchenette" downstairs (microwave and electric kettle), I should agree. I maintained that this was disrespectful to me and in order to make healthy food for myself and our son I needed access to the kitchen for an hour every evening. 

This lead to a huge fight over the course of Saturday evening and Sunday morning. H tried to call me but knowing he would manipulate me over the phone, I refused to pick up. Over email and messenger, H said I was being a "prima donna" "so dramatic" "so silly" "selfish and unwilling to compromise" and pulling "stunts" etc. H said I had been using "physical violence" and he "was the only one with the lease for the house. . . I need you out of my home by 8am". (such a manipulative response after the olive branch we extended to put the lease in his name only hours earlier!)  I checked and it is not legal in our state to evict a husband/wife even if he did want to evict me.

The next morning H said he had thought and prayed about it and if we couldn't agree to an agreement on sharing the house, car and time with son there would be no agreement. He came over the house and has now actually been trying to win me back. He has been using cute couples talk, offering cuddles and trying to act as if all we need to do to fix the situation is to laugh. Tonight when I said I didn't want to kiss him however, he got upset, and started giving me the silent treatment. We have an appointment booked with a relationship councillor on Thursday. I'm feeling scared about it. I know in order for it to be useful (and not just a platform for H's self justification), I need to tell him I am considering divorce and that H is not doing enough to look after his mental health. I am even considering hinting at the fact H probably has BPD and NPD. I really don't want to do this. But the status quo can't continue. I am coming to see this relationship is not good for me, H or even our son.

Son has been more clingy to me. He is happy if I take him for long walk and swim on the beach and seems stressed at times. Thankfully today at daycare, the carers there said he had a happy day. So thankful he can go there.

Thank you. I'm in the middle of the worst week of my life, and have no idea when I'll get to see my daughter again. Trying to stay positive.

Sounds like your H has been very manipulative lately, which is so hard to deal with. Will you have a chance to meet individually with the therapist for 5 minutes at the beginning of your appointment on Thursday? If so, that'd be an ideal time to present your side of the case. Another option could be to call the office tomorrow and see if you can leave a voicemail, send an email or write a note to give the therapist a heads up in advance.

Great news about your son though - both that he's happy and did well at daycare!