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Author Topic: Made the mistake again  (Read 215 times)
Carguy
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« on: May 22, 2020, 01:05:52 PM »

So the other day I ran into Wal-Mart to grab a few things and when I went to self checkout it turns out my ex was running it. They moved her out of Pharmacy I found out.

 When I got up there she was talking to someone and when she turned around and seen me I couldn't tell if she nodded or said hey (wearing a mask) but I told her if and when she got to a point that she might like to talk I would like that and I didn't like the way things are between us. Before I could finish the sentence she told me 3 times quick and sharply "No I'm good!" I probably made a mistake on trying to talk to her.

I know borderlines are fickle and change their minds but it almost seems hopeless to me. It seems like she has made up her mind to never try again for even a friendship. I would like an opinion on this.

I have been working on myself and feeling and I've been making good progress. Through Reading and studying and listening to a therapist and this group I have learned a lot and it has helped me a lot.

I do know that my ex still has older pictures of us in her Facebook album and if she sees me in public she keeps looking over and glancing away. She also sent my teenage son a friend request last month on Facebook. These things made me wonder if she was trying to still keep a connection. Someone said that she is trying to keep a connection and the fact that I had her move her Vehicles off my property and ask her about her kitties and she told me I would have to keep them (take ownership of them) is why she is so angry now because I have cut some of the connection and control she had over me. I would like some opinions on this as well.

Like I said, right now it seems hopeless like she has made up her mind to cut all ties but then again some of those things also made me question. Does this seem completely hopeless even in the future? What do you think group?

It has been pointed out for me to go back to no contact and staying out of her view and out of her world and that maybe she would start to wonder where I went and reach out to me. Does this sound like a good idea again at this point? I know she has a hard time reaching out and I don't think she's reached out to past partners or friends but they also weren't as long of relationships.
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« Reply #1 on: May 23, 2020, 01:08:17 AM »

Someone said that she is trying to keep a connection and the fact that I had her move her Vehicles off my property and ask her about her kitties and she told me I would have to keep them (take ownership of them) is why she is so angry now because I have cut some of the connection and control she had over me. I would like some opinions on this as well.

if this is true, testing the connection isnt serving you, and hasnt served you.

Excerpt
It has been pointed out for me to go back to no contact and staying out of her view and out of her world and that maybe she would start to wonder where I went and reach out to me. Does this sound like a good idea again at this point?

that depends a lot, Carguy.

it sounds like what you have been doing. you go quiet for some time, then check in, and she shuts it down painfully. you give it a bit, and retest the connection.

it might be a more helpful approach to rethink what "no contact" means. "no contact" is an approach for Detaching (not for Bettering or Reversing a breakup), in order to get someone out of your day to day life so you can detach and let go of the relationship. it is not a means to attract someone or to get them to think of you...that will only keep you stuck.

the question i would be asking is whether it is time to give up on contact, and give up on the pursuit of her, or the relationship. thats not to say you need to let go of all hope, but it is clear that no good is going to come of actively pursuing it.
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alittleawkward
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« Reply #2 on: May 23, 2020, 06:26:41 AM »

It has been pointed out for me to go back to no contact and staying out of her view and out of her world and that maybe she would start to wonder where I went and reach out to me. Does this sound like a good idea again at this point?

A mutual friend of me and my ex has said that he thinks the more we talk now, the less likely we will be able to be friends again in the future (he was so fed up of us NCing for a couple months then talking loads, only to NC again). In reflection I believe this is true. A painful reality, but the longer that the situation is left to completely heal, the better it will be in the future. Until you can talk to the person again with no tension, you're just picking at a scab.

The healthiest and best thing you can do is continue to focus on yourself and not acknowledge your ex right now. Try and avoid thinking about a future with them. When talking to them doesn't make a difference to you or not, would be a good time to assess making contact.

My ex still kept a lot of our stuff up, but I have too. I think it's just some people don't care to do the housekeeping on social media because it's either not important to them, or there is significance in those pieces of media beyond the relationship. Might not be worth reading into too much. I think bumping into someone in person is completely rational and fine to try and make contact. But don't go out of your way to reach out. If it comes to it, let her do that when she's ready, even if that means never.
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Carguy
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« Reply #3 on: May 23, 2020, 11:37:45 AM »

Thank you Once Removed and alittleakward.

So from what I can see and the way it sounds from you guys it would probably be best to stop reaching out and stop pursuing. To just go live my life and quit trying to re-establish a relationship with her. It really hasn't served me or helped. To me it seems to just hurt me, maybe stroke her ego, and possibly make things worse. Oddly it seems the only time she reached out since last November (when she became so cold) was when I backed off.

In February she became angry at me and that night she sent a text telling me she only wanted to talk about her vehicles if they needed to be moved or her kitties if they needed a vet or died. After her blowing up at me earlier that day I had decided for my own mental and emotional well being to go no contact to heal and in my response I agreed and told her I was going NC for my own good. Two days later she did a 180 and apologized and wanted to communicate. I was surprised. I jumped with in and 5 days later she did a 180 back to only talking about those two things.

When we first got together it was only a few months and her and her best friend had a falling out. After that, for the 4 years that we were together, she had no close friends. She struggles with having close friends. Now that we're apart she has a new best friend and I think that in a way this girl is my replacement for supply. As long as they are friends I likely will remain split black. At least it seems that way to me. I know she has smear campaigned me to this girl just by the way this girl acts towards me. To me, along with everything else, I think she can't have anything to do with me to keep up appearances with this girl.

From reading, listening, and thinking, I believe she wants to keep some sort of a connection and when I reach out it ensures her there is still a connection cause I'm still pursuing her. Maybe in her mind she likes the pursuit and she knows if she keeps rejecting me I'll keep pursuing. That's how it's been in the past. 99% of the time I'm the one reaching out. This is one of the many reasons I'm starting to think I just need to stop and just live my life.

What are your thoughts on these things Once Removed and alittleakward?
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« Reply #4 on: May 24, 2020, 07:28:08 AM »

Excerpt
From reading, listening, and thinking, I believe she wants to keep some sort of a connection

what sort of connection do you think shes trying to keep?
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Carguy
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« Reply #5 on: May 24, 2020, 11:25:01 AM »

This may be a little long so bear with me.

Last November she push me away again and told me we are just friend and to go live my life. I started hanging out with another girl but it only lasted two weeks and that girl went back to her ex-boyfriend. My ex became very angry when she seen us together and became very cold after that.

Since then there have been times when she seem to soften a little and then go right back to cold. At one time she told me to stay away and then a week or two later asked if I could watch her kids so she could go to work.

In February she got angry at me and that night text me that she would only talk about her vehicles if they need to be moved for her kitties if they needed a vet or died. I agreed I told her I was just going to go no contact for my own mental and emotional health. 2 Days Later she text and apologized for the first time in years and did a 180. She also unblocked me on Facebook after a year-and-a-half of having me blocked. She still has pictures of us in her albums so anticipating a friend request I went in and changed the settings on my pictures of us so friends could see them. I got no friend request but I did notice more old pictures of us together appeared in her album. I wouldn't read too much into old pictures of us together but her adding more and the fact that she has no pictures of her and any other previous ex-boyfriends make me wonder. The day after her apology was Valentine's and I wished her a happy Valentines and took her flowers. She was very excited and kept hugging me like she couldn't get enough. She told me it meant a lot to her. A couple of days later she did a 180 back and told me she would only talk about those two things.

Other things that make me wonder are the fact that a couple of times she had done some out of character things that makes it seem she is intentionally trying to be in my field of view. She is also still friends on facebook with some of my family and interact with them. Two of them she has only met one time. Two of them she never met and they passed away but she posts how she misses them on their page. She is also friends with my ex-wife's parents  on there and interacts with them too.

In March I had her move her vehicles off my property and ask her about the kitties and she told me I'd have to keep them. In April she sent my son a friend request. After I had her move her vehicles and kept the kitties she became very cold to me. It was pointed out to me that she is angry because the vehicles and kitties were a connection to me and she lost those and therefore lost some control. The friend request to my son was a way to try a new connection to me. I even asked therapist who specializes in BPD and NPD about the friend request and if she's trying to maintain a connection and the therapist said absolutely. She said malignant borderlines do that. The therapist said they would rather have a effed up  connection than no connection at all. My regular therapist said the connection to my family, vehicles on my property, and the kitties are her way of having a connection without being directly in my world. In the past when we went apart she even told me she still wants to be in contact with my father. He lives in Canada and has no social media. I'm not even sure she has his phone number.

 The therapist specializing in BPD and NPD said  the reason why they want this connection is because they need the drama triangle and want attention. This is why I'm wondering if she is pushing me away and rejecting me and acting like she wants nothing to do with me because she knows that I will continue to pursue her. After all, that's the way it has been in the past. 99% of the time I have been  the one reaching out. Maybe she thinks the more she pushes me away the more I will pursue her and that feeds her ego and gives her that supply? Again that's the way that has been in the past until she came back.
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« Reply #6 on: May 26, 2020, 02:57:33 AM »

Excerpt
The therapist said they would rather have a effed up  connection than no connection at all.

i think that this, in general, may be true. it may be true about a dramatic person. it may be true about a dysfunctional person. it may be true about a disordered person.

i dont know if its the same thing as saying that they want you to pursue them or give them attention.

people that have a hard time detaching from a relationship sometimes like to cling to the anger, cling to the sense of being wronged or victimhood, cling to feelings of woundedness. all of those things are a connection. they serve a certain purpose in that persons life.

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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Carguy
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« Reply #7 on: May 26, 2020, 07:04:10 PM »

That makes sense too. I have noticed she will hold on to things and even if we talked about it and I apologized a million times and work through it it comes up again and again. She can't move on from things it seems.

I ran into her today and she was sure to stay looking down and looking over to one side and so on completely trying to avoid looking at me. I don't know if she will ever come around or talk to me again or soften at this point. It doesn't seem like it.

Some of the reasons I wonder about those other things is thinks she told me in the past like she told me to never let go of her and that she wants somebody who will fight for her. From what I have seen with her past relationships with friends and even exes she has no problem letting go of them. I've even heard it from them. Once she's done she's done. Things like that is why I question if she is wanting me to chase her for ego or if it's cuz she has a hard time letting go or if there is any hope at all that she might soften and be willing to talk to me again and be friends or something. I don't know at this point.
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« Reply #8 on: May 27, 2020, 01:58:56 AM »

i would say if she were making any effort to be vulnerable, if she were giving confusing half steps, there might be signs she wants you to chase.

putting her head down and avoiding looking at you is the signal i would heed.

it may feel terrible. but there is nothing to be gained from pursuing.
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Carguy
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« Reply #9 on: May 27, 2020, 07:30:42 AM »

I do have to say that when I got done shopping and left I went over there to return my cart and she was walking past the row of carts to the other end moving them over or something and when she got to the back of them and I was putting my cart away I looked up and she did look at me and stare at me for a few seconds. It's hard to tell much when they have to wear masks but knowing her for all these years, the look in her eyes to me wasn't one of anger or hatred, rather to me it seemed to be a little bit of sadness and hurt.

A few weeks ago when she was working in Pharmacy and I had to get something from over there she kept glancing over at me every couple of seconds. The last time she looked at me I looked at her and she look me in the eyes with that same look for a few seconds. I did a slight wave and she looked away.

Whatever her intentions or feelings are, everything I have read and been told points towards the fact that I should not pursue. Even looking at the way things have been lately, it has not done any good that I can see. It really does hurt deeply. It saddens me to think she really is done this time and won't be in my life at all anymore. Whether she will be or not in the future it's hard to tell.

At this point I'm really thinking I need to just go back to staying out of sight. Shop at the other grocery store and only go to Walmart when she's not working. Encounters with her don't do me any good. It just keeps the wound fresh. Something I read last night said that when they are giving you the silent treatment to just give them their space and wait for them to be done doing it and come to you. This may happen eventually but I really don't see it happening anytime soon with as cold as things are between us. It's hard. Reaching out seems to only upset her at this point though. I don't see anything else I can do to make things better between us besides just backing away and giving space and time to her.
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Carguy
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« Reply #10 on: May 27, 2020, 09:48:26 AM »

Also when I was putting my cart away I told her that if she ever wanted her kitties to let me know. A while back when I had her removed her vehicle's from my property I asked her about her kitties and she told me that she had nowhere for them so I would have to keep them. I wasn't really clear if that meant I would have to keep taking care of them until she could take them or if I would have to take ownership back on them. She angrily told me "I said I didn't want them!"  so I just told her "Okay! Okay!" and I walked away. I was just trying to be decent because I feel bad. I feel like part of the reason she is angry at me is not only because I had her move her vehicles (which I think she had to sell one because she had no place for it and it was kind of her dream truck) and because maybe she felt like I took her pets away.

I'm just trying to be decent and nice but it looks like I can't even do that. I just have to stay away and not even try anything.
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« Reply #11 on: May 27, 2020, 10:29:55 AM »

I agree with your conclusion.

Sometimes the best thing is for me to absence myself from their world.
Then, he can or cannot make his own conclusions about me.

It's up to him.

My job is to show up happy, well taken care of, and live a life worth living.

Each day is a new day for me and I do not know what is possible in this one day.
I do not know.
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Carguy
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« Reply #12 on: May 28, 2020, 10:07:20 PM »

Thanks Juju!

I believe this is what I have to do. Just live my life and distance myself and give her space. From what I can see, doing any else only causes more damage.

Maybe she'll eventually return, maybe she won't. It saddens me but it is what it is at this point.

How are things going for you?
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