Attention

[Depression = 72% of members]

I’m struggling with a lot of my spouse’s behaviors, which I think are BPD related but he hasn’t been formally diagnosed. When I was pregnant, things went downhill because he wasn’t getting what he needed and started to become depressed. After our son, now 3, we’ve almost divorced many times, because he isn’t getting anything he needs, and it almost seems like he is competing for attention with our son. Has anyone else dealt with issues w/their BPD spouse after having kids, and how did you handle those? Thanks

[Cruz51]

I’m struggling with a lot of my spouse’s behaviors, which I think are BPD related but he hasn’t been formally diagnosed. When I was pregnant, things went downhill because he wasn’t getting what he needed and started to become depressed. After our son, now 3, we’ve almost divorced many times, because he isn’t getting anything he needs, and it almost seems like he is competing for attention with our son. Has anyone else dealt with issues w/their BPD spouse after having kids, and how did you handle those? Thanks

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi Cruz51, and

what does he feel he needs? what does he feel he isnt getting?

[Cruz51]

Hi, and thanks for replying. He feels he isn’t getting my attention after hours when I put our son to bed. He’s not getting enough sex, date nights, one on one time to discuss his innermost conflicts and get support for his depression. Frankly,  I’m wiped out after a full day of taking care of our son, two needy dogs, and all the other home responsibilities since he doesn’t pitch in (we’ve talked about this and it goes nowhere). I’ve tried explaining that if I got more time (an hour a day even) to decompress, shower, eat, work out (basically take care of basic needs) then I could give more to the marriage. It seems that there’s no reasoning with him, because his response is to blame me for not making it easy for him to take on tasks like bath time (he says he can’t do anything right—I’ve only asked him nicely not to pour water directly over our son’s head because he’s sensory sensitive) and the way I put our son to bed. My husband sleeps in in the morning, and is off work right now due to the virus, but he still doesn’t wake up and help out, and then expects me to make time (what time?) for him throughout the day. It’s incredibly unrealistic and we talk in circles when we try to discuss our needs. It’s been an uphill battle and I feel alone, tired, and worried about the future of our marriage at the end of the day.

Our son prefers me to my husband and my husband takes it personally on a level that seems very low on the emotional intelligence spectrum. I explain that It’s normal for a lot of small children to prefer their mother’s and if he would just spend more time with him (I give him examples—read books, play outside, go for a drive, etc) then he could develop the bond more. Sometimes my husband will come downstairs after a long morning of staying in bed due to depression and PTSD (active duty military) and our son will say ‘no, go upstairs’ because he doesn’t want him to interrupt play time with me, and I know it’s hurtful but can’t be taken personally. My husband’s reaction is to walk right back upstairs and go back to the bed and continue being depressed. He won’t eat until late that night, and relies on me to have food prepared or else he will go out and get some (which is risky due to the virus).

I am really at a loss for how to handle the immaturity, unrealistic expectations, and blame. The blame has taken the biggest toll on me because I know I haven’t done anything wrong, and I didn’t think I would be taking on 100% of parental and house responsibilities with him not working. It makes me resent him and I know that prevents us from connecting. Advice?

[once removed]

Our son prefers me to my husband and my husband takes it personally on a level that seems very low on the emotional intelligence spectrum.

it happens...my mother told me that my dad told her, when i was young, the very same thing.

fathers unfortunately do take this sort of thing personally. and that probably has something to do with the conflict between the two of you.

and unfortunately, this sort of dynamic, after a newborn, where one partner is feeling the emotional and physical load, one feels neglected, is not uncommon.

and its not easy to resolve. its incredibly stressful on everyone. some of it may even get better on its own, over time. but that wont help in the short term.

It’s incredibly unrealistic and we talk in circles when we try to discuss our needs.

the task before you, and unfortunately it may fall upon you to take the lead, is to break the circle, so to speak. to because circular arguments leave everyone feeling more unheard, more resentful, less trusting, and the problems only remain.

this is a really great resource and discussion on these types of circular arguments...it can be a good start: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.0

both of you, right now, are struggling to be heard, and as a highly sensitive person, hes feeling (not necessarily reasonably) like an outsider in his family. the real trick is, that the more he feels heard, the more input he has, the more "buy in" he has, so to speak, the more likely he is to hear your concerns, your needs.

no doubt, youve probably been doing some of that already, it sounds like. and make no mistake, this will take some finessing, some trial and error, and youre working with a difficult person. but things really can improve, and we can help in that.