Having to depend on a BPD-ex due to Pandemic

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

(Note: I post in this category because this is about me, how to deal with my emotions and how to establish proper boundaries after a break up in a situation where no contact would be warranted, but is not possible. While I accept comments about how the situation may affect our child as useful, I am not looking for legal advice, and at this point in time, not for advice on how to take care of our daughter directly. I am already on my way to enlisting professional help for that.)


Alright. Long story short, she was unhappy, the only possible solution was for me to do something that was either logically or humanly impossible, agree to a plan that would make the actual problems we had (mostly financial) worse or accept that she was now forced to harm herself, take hard drugs or commit suicide. Any attempt at reaching her failed, and yes, not least because I am about as sensitive as a concrete wall and have repressed anger issues (which remained repressed, however). Eventually she came up with another absurd plan on how she would now live the perfect life and get everything in order, including seperating from me, at least physically and getting her own place, and taking care of our daughter (which, to that point, she had barely done, that was my job). I told her this was unrealistic. Bad mistake. Two days later a friend of ours approached me, saying he's kind of furious, yet confused - she had told him that she had tried to split up with me but I threatened to "take away the kid" if she did. I confronted her about it. First response, she discredited the friend, stating he had misunderstood and dramatized some statement, she never said anything like that. I did not exactly concur with that. Next response, it was a misunderstanding.
I proposed to seek a counselor, a self-help group for couples and me moving out for a few weeks in order to start cleaning up the situation. She agreed. Postponed enaction first due to her job, then because she felt not up to it. For two months. Then for December, because it was so crowded with dates and responsibilites. On 17th of December she declared that we are breaking up and she is moving out. Okay.
She actually managed to move out the first week of april, this year. Her stuff, and it is a lot of stuff, is still clogging our house. I told her, as long as the house is three quarters full with her junk, she's paying half the rent, as before. Obviously, since then, she did not get things sorted out, and somehow it is always my fault. I am also being totally unreasonable asking for the rent. By the way, she agreed to these terms and I have amended several details, several times, in her favour, effectively leaving her around 1000€ and letting her use some space here until she found room for her belongings.

Due to the crisis we have no options for childcare. I have a supposedly "essential worker" job (which is definitely not essential, but alas), so I can't stay home. She did not have a job when she left. She did not hold a job during our entire relationship, with the exception of two months around october 2019, before the break up. As long as she did live here, her (rather wealthy) parents paid for her expenses and a bit more, though she was always complaining that I did not make enough money. She has also, aggressively, insisted, that we would take care of our daughter in a 50/50 model. Given that this is a nonsensical phantasy, we worked through a proper plan with a therapist and agreed, that 50/50 may be a final goal, but until then she should get used to her new life and surroundings and just take care of our daughter when she felt up to the task. Even after this agreement, she kept pestering me about it, and that we had to agree on this, now. Every single time, now. Right now. Whatever.
Now the crisis hit. I was forced to leave my daughter with her while I was at work, because, yeah. No other options. Could not stay home, because on paper she is the mother and a fully competent, adult, human being. The first days were a total desaster, but after carefully applying techniques I found online for managing to somehow tell a Borderline that they are not totally perfect in every way and may have to still learn a few things, this improved to a point where I actually had the impression it would not harm my daughter. (By the way, if this sounds extremely condescending, it is. Someone who is too massively self-absorbed to be reasonable about taking care of a kid, and maybe having to learn a thing or two, as they have never really done it before, who does not care in the slightest if or how much they harm their own child in the process of refusing any kind of diverging viewpoint is not someone I can respect or deem worthy of respect. And yes, the techniques and approaches that work are extremely similar to how I read I should treat my toddler when she has a temper tantrum. Go figure, I don't take her seriously as a human adult any longer. Yes, I am also venting my frustration here, in order to not throw it at her. And no, neither the tone nor the way I see her >now< were the reason we had a certain degree of "miscommunication" in the past.)
Now the shenanigans start again. She needs more time to work. She has four jobs now, needing 48 hours a week for work, and some more time for therapy and other stuff (which I actually accept as relevant and necessary, don't get me wrong, and I also told her that) in order to make twice the money I make on top of whatever her parents give her because... erm... yeah, she just needs it. And her new place is half the rent I have to pay. And somehow it is my responsibility to make this possible. Because I ask of her to take care of her daughter while I am at work. (I have already rearranged my work schedule to work nightshifts most of the time so she can have the days to work.) And it seems to never be enough. And I can't get out. I can't just say fokk off and leave me alone. Your life is Your problem, not mine. Because I actually need her to take care of the little one. Because nobody will accept that she is just plain stupid insane and won't cooperate as a matter of principle, so I could make use of the options offered to actual single parents. If this crisis was not here, I would not need her, at all. I have arranged everything in a way that I could effectively function as a single dad. But no, for some reason karma seems to feel like I have not had enough insanity yet.
And best of all, the insults have started to come up again. I had forced her to stay with me for three months from september to december 2019 by threatening to take away our daughter if she did not.
Obviously, I am somewhat insecure after having accepted that I was the problem and I had lost touch with reality for about six years, whenever we disagreed. Which makes me feel helpless which makes me feel angry. So I am looking for some agreement, that these statements are pipedreams and some help getting it into my head that her demands are actually unreasonable.
I would also like to hear something about a way to get rid of this anger. Because I don't want to be angry when it matters - when I have to talk to her in a constructive way. Which means I have to handle her, be the adult, keep my emotions in check, remain calm, remain non-invalidating all the while she is throwing crap at me that really, really hurts, that is designed to hurt.
I already know enough to understand how this happens. I already try to be understanding, and, when I can be, this works like a charm, I can actually react in a healthy way. But I can't keep this up constantly. At some point the sheer frustration of having to deal with someone who is intentionally completely destructively unreasonable, mental condition or none, has to go somewhere. Please... erm... help?

(You already did, by the way, by letting me write this here, so thank You people.)

[Camael]

(Note: I post in this category because this is about me, how to deal with my emotions and how to establish proper boundaries after a break up in a situation where no contact would be warranted, but is not possible. While I accept comments about how the situation may affect our child as useful, I am not looking for legal advice, and at this point in time, not for advice on how to take care of our daughter directly. I am already on my way to enlisting professional help for that.)


Alright. Long story short, she was unhappy, the only possible solution was for me to do something that was either logically or humanly impossible, agree to a plan that would make the actual problems we had (mostly financial) worse or accept that she was now forced to harm herself, take hard drugs or commit suicide. Any attempt at reaching her failed, and yes, not least because I am about as sensitive as a concrete wall and have repressed anger issues (which remained repressed, however). Eventually she came up with another absurd plan on how she would now live the perfect life and get everything in order, including seperating from me, at least physically and getting her own place, and taking care of our daughter (which, to that point, she had barely done, that was my job). I told her this was unrealistic. Bad mistake. Two days later a friend of ours approached me, saying he's kind of furious, yet confused - she had told him that she had tried to split up with me but I threatened to "take away the kid" if she did. I confronted her about it. First response, she discredited the friend, stating he had misunderstood and dramatized some statement, she never said anything like that. I did not exactly concur with that. Next response, it was a misunderstanding.
I proposed to seek a counselor, a self-help group for couples and me moving out for a few weeks in order to start cleaning up the situation. She agreed. Postponed enaction first due to her job, then because she felt not up to it. For two months. Then for December, because it was so crowded with dates and responsibilites. On 17th of December she declared that we are breaking up and she is moving out. Okay.
She actually managed to move out the first week of april, this year. Her stuff, and it is a lot of stuff, is still clogging our house. I told her, as long as the house is three quarters full with her junk, she's paying half the rent, as before. Obviously, since then, she did not get things sorted out, and somehow it is always my fault. I am also being totally unreasonable asking for the rent. By the way, she agreed to these terms and I have amended several details, several times, in her favour, effectively leaving her around 1000€ and letting her use some space here until she found room for her belongings.

Due to the crisis we have no options for childcare. I have a supposedly "essential worker" job (which is definitely not essential, but alas), so I can't stay home. She did not have a job when she left. She did not hold a job during our entire relationship, with the exception of two months around october 2019, before the break up. As long as she did live here, her (rather wealthy) parents paid for her expenses and a bit more, though she was always complaining that I did not make enough money. She has also, aggressively, insisted, that we would take care of our daughter in a 50/50 model. Given that this is a nonsensical phantasy, we worked through a proper plan with a therapist and agreed, that 50/50 may be a final goal, but until then she should get used to her new life and surroundings and just take care of our daughter when she felt up to the task. Even after this agreement, she kept pestering me about it, and that we had to agree on this, now. Every single time, now. Right now. Whatever.
Now the crisis hit. I was forced to leave my daughter with her while I was at work, because, yeah. No other options. Could not stay home, because on paper she is the mother and a fully competent, adult, human being. The first days were a total desaster, but after carefully applying techniques I found online for managing to somehow tell a Borderline that they are not totally perfect in every way and may have to still learn a few things, this improved to a point where I actually had the impression it would not harm my daughter. (By the way, if this sounds extremely condescending, it is. Someone who is too massively self-absorbed to be reasonable about taking care of a kid, and maybe having to learn a thing or two, as they have never really done it before, who does not care in the slightest if or how much they harm their own child in the process of refusing any kind of diverging viewpoint is not someone I can respect or deem worthy of respect. And yes, the techniques and approaches that work are extremely similar to how I read I should treat my toddler when she has a temper tantrum. Go figure, I don't take her seriously as a human adult any longer. Yes, I am also venting my frustration here, in order to not throw it at her. And no, neither the tone nor the way I see her >now< were the reason we had a certain degree of "miscommunication" in the past.)
Now the shenanigans start again. She needs more time to work. She has four jobs now, needing 48 hours a week for work, and some more time for therapy and other stuff (which I actually accept as relevant and necessary, don't get me wrong, and I also told her that) in order to make twice the money I make on top of whatever her parents give her because... erm... yeah, she just needs it. And her new place is half the rent I have to pay. And somehow it is my responsibility to make this possible. Because I ask of her to take care of her daughter while I am at work. (I have already rearranged my work schedule to work nightshifts most of the time so she can have the days to work.) And it seems to never be enough. And I can't get out. I can't just say fokk off and leave me alone. Your life is Your problem, not mine. Because I actually need her to take care of the little one. Because nobody will accept that she is just plain stupid insane and won't cooperate as a matter of principle, so I could make use of the options offered to actual single parents. If this crisis was not here, I would not need her, at all. I have arranged everything in a way that I could effectively function as a single dad. But no, for some reason karma seems to feel like I have not had enough insanity yet.
And best of all, the insults have started to come up again. I had forced her to stay with me for three months from september to december 2019 by threatening to take away our daughter if she did not.
Obviously, I am somewhat insecure after having accepted that I was the problem and I had lost touch with reality for about six years, whenever we disagreed. Which makes me feel helpless which makes me feel angry. So I am looking for some agreement, that these statements are pipedreams and some help getting it into my head that her demands are actually unreasonable.
I would also like to hear something about a way to get rid of this anger. Because I don't want to be angry when it matters - when I have to talk to her in a constructive way. Which means I have to handle her, be the adult, keep my emotions in check, remain calm, remain non-invalidating all the while she is throwing crap at me that really, really hurts, that is designed to hurt.
I already know enough to understand how this happens. I already try to be understanding, and, when I can be, this works like a charm, I can actually react in a healthy way. But I can't keep this up constantly. At some point the sheer frustration of having to deal with someone who is intentionally completely destructively unreasonable, mental condition or none, has to go somewhere. Please... erm... help?

(You already did, by the way, by letting me write this here, so thank You people.)