hi gettingthrough20, and
its hard to say where things stand. frankly, theres a lot of detail i think we need to hear in order to advise.
what was going on between these stages?
Thank you so much
glad to be here! That's a great question. I would say there were great days/moments and then some not so great days. She was usually smiling and full of energy. However, at the beginning, it was heart faces and texts all day. Could not wait to see me. As time went on, it felt more like obligation. Happy enough to see me, but not nearly as interested in how things were going with me, getting out and doing things, and intimacy went down drastically. Each time we would be apart for a few days (like the holidays), our reunion would be like the first time we met. But after about a week when our routines would set back in, things felt like they fizzled out. But, then, would perk up again unexpectedly.
I noticed during the last couple weeks, I was the one doing all the complimenting, making all the plans, initiating anything remotely physical, and was the only one saying "I love you" and any titles of affection. However, this quick spiral downward where I never got another "I love you" was after we'd had a great weekend and exchanged lots of affection and love and even tears of happiness to be together. I just assumed stress over the pandemic, work, and drama with friends and family was to blame. I figured like after the holidays, we just needed a couple days to reset. But the breakup came first.
It just felt so short-sighted. Like all of the parties, holiday celebrations, birthdays, and time spent together meant nothing. And all of our big plans for later, like trips, new outings with mutual friends, etc. were forgotten. Like it was all erased. I just couldn't believe all of our favorite shows, favorite meals, inside jokes, etc. meant so little. It was like she had this huge defensive wall up the entire time that allowed her to just forget it all. Based on our discussion a couple weeks ago, I see evidence that all was not forgotten. There still seemed to be resistance to trying again though. I can't tell if she's just a "honeymoon phase" dater that likes the intensity at the beginning but gets bored. Or if it truly was engulfment fears that always had her ready to cut out to avoid being rejected first.
It felt so childish not to be able to articulate a need for more space/independence or a different routine to get needs met. If it wasn't for the hot and cold parents and being raised by nanny after nanny, I'd think less of BPD. But there definitely seem to be signs of the same patterns from family and such neglect and inconsistency might explain why things went so far south so fast. Would giving each other healthier boundaries, like we did when we both had trips and were excited to get back to one another, make it better? Could it work and build that excitement to see each other? Unclear. Hopefully the extra details help!
