hunger strike - am I doing the right thing?

[Lightandshine]

February 14th - I left. I was the sole breadwinner, and while he refused to get a paying job or accept payment for freelance projects he did for friends for 3 years. He would spend upwards of ten hours per day drawing or playing video games but said he was physically unable to work any job.

This wasn't the reason for me leaving. It was the daily belittling and controlling behavior and manipulation and other women. But I've been living with my step mom and siblings since leaving (actually him kicking me out for going dancing and me deciding not to come back) in feb.

The entire first month I paid all normal living expenses and gave him additional funds as he requested them. Second month, i paid all living expenses and provided a smaller amount of supportive cash. He then kept requesting cash without allowing me access to our apartment and sending me dozens of abusive texts and emails. He threatened my car, my stuff. Hes even dating someone new.

I let him know that while I would still pay rent and utilities to avoid an eviction on either of our records, I could no longer support him. I provided information about where and how he could access services that could help him provide for himself. He said would not use them.

His family and friends live in other parts of the country but multiple have told me they have offered him financial assistance or a place to stay. He has refused, won't talk to his mom but accepts checks when she sends them. Two days ago he sent me an email saying he was starving to death.

Is he trying to punish me? Am I doing the right thing? Should I provide more support?

[Gemsforeyes]

Dearest Light-

I just went back and read through ALL of your postings to get an understanding of your history.  You have been through so so much with your BPDbf.  A lot of abuse.  A LOT...  I’m very sorry.

But... it is so clear that somewhere along the line there was a truly dramatic and lovely shift in how you saw yourself!  I don’t know whether it was the CoDA meetings or what, but something really began to show you your worth.  What a wonderful gift for you.  You deserve happiness, my friend.

I’m not sure if you consider your pwBPD your exBF or not, but  since you’re on the “Detaching” board, can I say that I am happy for you?  Happy that you went dancing and decided to “stay out” longer than you probably expected when you originally left on that evening in February.  I too exited my 6.5-year relationship in February.  The 13th. I decided that would be his last RAGE.  In my case, that wasn’t a “conscious” plan, but I now believe subconsciously, my sleeping brain made up its mind that the next time would be the last time.  Enough.  I’m so happy and relaxed And so grateful I’m not in quarantine with him.

Sorry to digress.

So about your questions.  My belief is YES, he is trying to punish you regarding his “starving”.  This is more of his predictable abuse... seems he’s consistently held you responsible for what he puts in his mouth.  And everything else; except when some other person held his attention temporarily.   But the thing is, he’s a grownup, correct?  Let him grow up!  He’s aware of alternatives for obtaining food and food money.  He knows how to use a fork and knife.  If he refuses to pursue those alternatives, that is NOT on you.  And it never was.

Truth be told, if he’s physically able to play games or draw for 10 hours daily, he’s able to take on some work for several hours daily.  And remote work is now highly available.  I have a disability (also my neck) and no one knows this because I work from home.  It’s time for this man to get back on the horse.  You’re not the horse.

NO.  You should NOT provide any money to him.  Again, he is aware of alternatives, but he is trying to rope and guilt you back in. 

And the rent and utilities?  If ever there were a time to break a lease with no repercussions... NOW is that time (pandemic).  You are NOT living there.  Perhaps consider contacting the landlord and holding a discussion about options.

I hope I’m not being too harsh, Light.  That is NOT my intention... but when I read your prior posts, my heart broke at how you were treated.  You deserve your freedom.  In all respects.

I understand that these relationships are difficult to leave.  It took me years to leave, so I really DO get it.  And it wasn’t until I understood the effects of narcissistic abuse that I began to fully comprehend the impact on me... the weakness in me.  And now the strength in me that had been missing.  And you will too.

Detaching is a process.  It doesn’t just “happen”.  It’s not a one and done.  If there are things you need to talk about, to help you stay safe and apart, please...PLEASE, talk those things through.

Sometimes we stumble on our way out, and that’s okay, Light.

No judgement, okay?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Lightandshine]

Gemsforeyes - thank you for your kind words and taking the time to respond. I too decided I was no longer going to accept being raged at. I didnt plan on leaving but my heart and soul made it impossible to go back.

Sure I've missed him since leaving, but the angry texts and emails have reinforced my decision and I know I'm doing the right thing by ending the relationship. 

My landlord was no help when I discussed leaving the apartment - mostly because my ex-pwBPD would need to sign off on my leaving or breaking the lease. Which he had refused to do. Luckily the lease is done next month and I will be able to get a place of my own.

Ex-pwBPD has just been so insistent that him being hungry is my fault...that EVERYTHING is my fault, that I wondered if it really was. But no. Its just more manipulation.

[Reawakening]

Hi Lightandshine

I am pretty new to posting and have just been reading here for a long time. I Have not left  yet, but my situation with my uBPDh seems to have a lot of similarities to yours. I admire you for the steps you have taken, and I am hoping to be where you are sooner than later!

I don’t think you should give him more money. He is capable of getting help in other places and also capable to work. I understand not wanting to break your lease, but what great timing that it is over in one more month.

[Rev]

February 14th - I left. I was the sole breadwinner, and while he refused to get a paying job or accept payment for freelance projects he did for friends for 3 years. He would spend upwards of ten hours per day drawing or playing video games but said he was physically unable to work any job.

This wasn't the reason for me leaving. It was the daily belittling and controlling behavior and manipulation and other women. But I've been living with my step mom and siblings since leaving (actually him kicking me out for going dancing and me deciding not to come back) in feb.

The entire first month I paid all normal living expenses and gave him additional funds as he requested them. Second month, i paid all living expenses and provided a smaller amount of supportive cash. He then kept requesting cash without allowing me access to our apartment and sending me dozens of abusive texts and emails. He threatened my car, my stuff. Hes even dating someone new.

I let him know that while I would still pay rent and utilities to avoid an eviction on either of our records, I could no longer support him. I provided information about where and how he could access services that could help him provide for himself. He said would not use them.

His family and friends live in other parts of the country but multiple have told me they have offered him financial assistance or a place to stay. He has refused, won't talk to his mom but accepts checks when she sends them. Two days ago he sent me an email saying he was starving to death.

Is he trying to punish me? Am I doing the right thing? Should I provide more support?

Hello my friend,

Gems has it - I would add, just for your own sanity - to keep copies of everything as much as possible. I read all of the is as blackmail almost. 

Stick to your ground rules and boundaries.

Rev