In need of some help. Was I the problem?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello all,

I have reason to suspect that my exgf to be undiagnosed bpd. I met her when I was at the best point of my life. I've had a lifelong struggle with my own demons and issues (bipolar 2) and had finally reached a point of peace and happiness. Steady job, attending college, and in the best shape in all aspects of my being up until this point in my life.

I met her online while casually dating. I was having fun with my life, she entered out of nowhere. It seemed to be the classic "it will find you even you aren't looking," scenario. She was never outright violent. But there was so much passive aggression. Looking back there were so many little digs, so much nitpicking, so much finding fault in even the simplest things. All things I either let roll off my back or didn't really notice.

A few months into the relationship she dropped a few bomb shells as far as her opinions on things as far as relationship. Mainly "sex is meaningless, it's just two people using each other." This was jarring and I had a deep feeling in my gut that this was so incongruent with who I'd met. A seemingly confident, mentally well, and sexually comfortable woman. I have reasons to believe she was cheating. By the end of it all we hadn't been physically intimate in four months. The sudden revelation of these things brought a sense of betrayal and deceit. Given I was very open about how my illness affects me and what to expect on bad days. She accepted these things at first. But to wait until I was emotionally invested in the relationship to tell me she held toxic beliefs that ultimately will doom a relationship? I was so hurt, but I loved her. Part of me still does.

Even hugs and hand holding yielded borderline hostile reactions. Covering her up with a blanket on a cold night reacted to by ripping it off of her. Waking up to her asleep on the floor of the next room in the middle of the night. Next day acting as if nothing had happened. I accept responsibility for a few less than sensitive comments given my frustrations and her dismissive attitude towards our physical relationship. Looking back she was a pretty negative, cynical,  judgmental, critical person. A lot of bad mouthing others and seeing them as complete monsters as opposed to flawed human beings.

Shopping sprees while she was borrowing thousands of dollars to pay rent and utilities. Multiple instances of body shaming me and generally putting me down for the very things she loved me for in the beginning. Seeing my slow (once again, I accept responsibility) degradation as a result of me having put up a facade as opposed to it being a natural consequence of me being in a relationship that ultimately was not reciprocal.

Finally leading to a brutal discard and "let's be friends," game. (I did not allow this, not my first rodeo.) We had had an argument (that I simply wished to be a discussion) about our lack of intimacy in the past few months, especially regarding her saying outright she didn't care about fixing it. I encouraged her to get into therapy months earlier. Hence why I stayed. Only to find out through her that instead of talking about her issues to enhance our relationship, she was more or less using the sessions to complain about things that she told me were okay and that she understood months prior.

She tried to get me to move in two months into the relationship. (Thank God I didn't.) Also asking me if a "friend," she had slept with in the past could move in. I said no. I have reason to believe this "friend," was the same friend she had asked me if she could have over a week or two before our physical intimacy began to dwindle. (All in hindsight, and I never asked to be asked permission either. I trusted her until I reasonably could no longer.) I caved and started spending more time with her to test out moving in. The whole time thinking her silence was the indication that everything was okay. While really I could feel something tense but ignored it. That "invisible checklist." Whenever I asked, everything was "fine," or "nothing." But she began to tear into me for everything I did. From gifts I would buy her to the length of my fingernails. Hyper critical. But the next minute sweet as pie, I was her "strong working man." With "gorgeous eyes," making me cookies to bring to work for the guys a week before dumping me. It made no sense.

The breakup was initially presented as a need for space. After asking me to move in? And the classic "I feel I'm holding you back from being happy." "I feel like this relationship is a ticking time bomb." More or less stealing my agency and projecting her insecurity onto me. I hadn't been myself, I admit, she could see that. So we talked more, but as all times before when I tried to discuss things in our relationship. I was met with complete silence while staring into the distance. She only ever wanted to discuss things through text. I believe to have time to weave lies and also have evidence against me when I at times got frustrated or upset.

A few days later I messaged her and asked what was happening. She then put forth that I "contacted her too soon," and "didn't respect her boundaries." That we "could never be," and "love isn't enough." I'll admit, this took me to a place I hadn't been in over a decade. I exploded, no name calling or anything. Just honesty really, telling her how PLEASE READed up this was. How she did the one thing I would never do to her, dump me over text. How she obviously had motives that weren't some martyrdom doing me a favor bullPLEASE READ.

She responded near sociopathically. "I'm remaining objective. I'm not taking on this shame and blame." Pretty much denying all wrongdoing and her part in the relationship. I was devastated, I wasn't even seen as worth a real conversation. She said "accusing me of cheating really put me over the edge." While she was subtly jealous of my female friends the entire relationship.

A week after this blowout I called her. I apologized for things she never even brought up. Things i genuinely felt bad about after some self reflection. No admission of any fault on her part. Just more faults and reasons we could never be. "You can find love with someone else." A complete 180 from the "I love you so so much," while leaving me a week earlier?" Completely cold and detached. I asked her if she felt that in all honesty given her depression and stress from the pandemic if she felt that maybe we could work through all of this. A curt "not really." I was floored. But yet she remained on the phone, near silent the whole time for three hours. Then became annoyed at me, as if she hadn't made the choice herself to remain talking to me!

The next day I wrote a seven page no contact letter explaining how her behavior throughout and in the aftermath of our relationship was nothing I would wish from a friend. I wished her well and encouraged her to continue therapy. That despite the things I had listed that she never once expressed remorse for, I still understood her plight. I then blocked on everything and received one text message (despite telling her texts would be deleted without being read.) It was rife with that disgusting self pity and martyrdom. "You deserve better. I was a poor excuse of a partner to you." I didn't respond.

It's honestly been hell since. I loved this woman. Bad and all. At the end being made out to be the complete problem, and to have my intelligence insulted by the "doing me a favor." BullPLEASE READ. I've remained strong. Deleted all pictures, wiped my Facebook clean, as well as my Instagram. Haven't so much as peaked at anything of hers. But this was a complete mindPLEASE READ. I would really appreciate some feedback. I feel like I'm insane. That even despite the overwhelming evidence given what I've just typed (which wasn't even everything.) I feel at fault. I feel empty. I've never really quite felt like this, and I've been in some pretty bad relationships that were objectively much worse than this.

I've been resting and recuperating the past couple months. But tonight I had my first suicidal thoughts cross my mind regarding this. It motivated me to post this. I am seeking professional help as well and have a pretty good support system. I know I've been replaced, I can feel it in my gut. I just know. I never asked or knew about her past so I feel I was more of the same. That I was a rebound in a long string of men she's probably hurt. A lot of her "friends" being ones that had left her instead. Or casual sex buddies. I feel she very much lived a double life through social media.

I would very much appreciate... anything really. Support, validation, feedback. Anything. Logically I know there was nothing I could do. That I know what this was. But emotionally, the hole will not leave. The doubt will not subside. This seems like a good community. This has been an absolute mindPLEASE READ. Please help.

[MrBig]

Hello all,

I have reason to suspect that my exgf to be undiagnosed bpd. I met her when I was at the best point of my life. I've had a lifelong struggle with my own demons and issues (bipolar 2) and had finally reached a point of peace and happiness. Steady job, attending college, and in the best shape in all aspects of my being up until this point in my life.

I met her online while casually dating. I was having fun with my life, she entered out of nowhere. It seemed to be the classic "it will find you even you aren't looking," scenario. She was never outright violent. But there was so much passive aggression. Looking back there were so many little digs, so much nitpicking, so much finding fault in even the simplest things. All things I either let roll off my back or didn't really notice.

A few months into the relationship she dropped a few bomb shells as far as her opinions on things as far as relationship. Mainly "sex is meaningless, it's just two people using each other." This was jarring and I had a deep feeling in my gut that this was so incongruent with who I'd met. A seemingly confident, mentally well, and sexually comfortable woman. I have reasons to believe she was cheating. By the end of it all we hadn't been physically intimate in four months. The sudden revelation of these things brought a sense of betrayal and deceit. Given I was very open about how my illness affects me and what to expect on bad days. She accepted these things at first. But to wait until I was emotionally invested in the relationship to tell me she held toxic beliefs that ultimately will doom a relationship? I was so hurt, but I loved her. Part of me still does.

Even hugs and hand holding yielded borderline hostile reactions. Covering her up with a blanket on a cold night reacted to by ripping it off of her. Waking up to her asleep on the floor of the next room in the middle of the night. Next day acting as if nothing had happened. I accept responsibility for a few less than sensitive comments given my frustrations and her dismissive attitude towards our physical relationship. Looking back she was a pretty negative, cynical,  judgmental, critical person. A lot of bad mouthing others and seeing them as complete monsters as opposed to flawed human beings.

Shopping sprees while she was borrowing thousands of dollars to pay rent and utilities. Multiple instances of body shaming me and generally putting me down for the very things she loved me for in the beginning. Seeing my slow (once again, I accept responsibility) degradation as a result of me having put up a facade as opposed to it being a natural consequence of me being in a relationship that ultimately was not reciprocal.

Finally leading to a brutal discard and "let's be friends," game. (I did not allow this, not my first rodeo.) We had had an argument (that I simply wished to be a discussion) about our lack of intimacy in the past few months, especially regarding her saying outright she didn't care about fixing it. I encouraged her to get into therapy months earlier. Hence why I stayed. Only to find out through her that instead of talking about her issues to enhance our relationship, she was more or less using the sessions to complain about things that she told me were okay and that she understood months prior.

She tried to get me to move in two months into the relationship. (Thank God I didn't.) Also asking me if a "friend," she had slept with in the past could move in. I said no. I have reason to believe this "friend," was the same friend she had asked me if she could have over a week or two before our physical intimacy began to dwindle. (All in hindsight, and I never asked to be asked permission either. I trusted her until I reasonably could no longer.) I caved and started spending more time with her to test out moving in. The whole time thinking her silence was the indication that everything was okay. While really I could feel something tense but ignored it. That "invisible checklist." Whenever I asked, everything was "fine," or "nothing." But she began to tear into me for everything I did. From gifts I would buy her to the length of my fingernails. Hyper critical. But the next minute sweet as pie, I was her "strong working man." With "gorgeous eyes," making me cookies to bring to work for the guys a week before dumping me. It made no sense.

The breakup was initially presented as a need for space. After asking me to move in? And the classic "I feel I'm holding you back from being happy." "I feel like this relationship is a ticking time bomb." More or less stealing my agency and projecting her insecurity onto me. I hadn't been myself, I admit, she could see that. So we talked more, but as all times before when I tried to discuss things in our relationship. I was met with complete silence while staring into the distance. She only ever wanted to discuss things through text. I believe to have time to weave lies and also have evidence against me when I at times got frustrated or upset.

A few days later I messaged her and asked what was happening. She then put forth that I "contacted her too soon," and "didn't respect her boundaries." That we "could never be," and "love isn't enough." I'll admit, this took me to a place I hadn't been in over a decade. I exploded, no name calling or anything. Just honesty really, telling her how PLEASE READed up this was. How she did the one thing I would never do to her, dump me over text. How she obviously had motives that weren't some martyrdom doing me a favor bullPLEASE READ.

She responded near sociopathically. "I'm remaining objective. I'm not taking on this shame and blame." Pretty much denying all wrongdoing and her part in the relationship. I was devastated, I wasn't even seen as worth a real conversation. She said "accusing me of cheating really put me over the edge." While she was subtly jealous of my female friends the entire relationship.

A week after this blowout I called her. I apologized for things she never even brought up. Things i genuinely felt bad about after some self reflection. No admission of any fault on her part. Just more faults and reasons we could never be. "You can find love with someone else." A complete 180 from the "I love you so so much," while leaving me a week earlier?" Completely cold and detached. I asked her if she felt that in all honesty given her depression and stress from the pandemic if she felt that maybe we could work through all of this. A curt "not really." I was floored. But yet she remained on the phone, near silent the whole time for three hours. Then became annoyed at me, as if she hadn't made the choice herself to remain talking to me!

The next day I wrote a seven page no contact letter explaining how her behavior throughout and in the aftermath of our relationship was nothing I would wish from a friend. I wished her well and encouraged her to continue therapy. That despite the things I had listed that she never once expressed remorse for, I still understood her plight. I then blocked on everything and received one text message (despite telling her texts would be deleted without being read.) It was rife with that disgusting self pity and martyrdom. "You deserve better. I was a poor excuse of a partner to you." I didn't respond.

It's honestly been hell since. I loved this woman. Bad and all. At the end being made out to be the complete problem, and to have my intelligence insulted by the "doing me a favor." BullPLEASE READ. I've remained strong. Deleted all pictures, wiped my Facebook clean, as well as my Instagram. Haven't so much as peaked at anything of hers. But this was a complete mindPLEASE READ. I would really appreciate some feedback. I feel like I'm insane. That even despite the overwhelming evidence given what I've just typed (which wasn't even everything.) I feel at fault. I feel empty. I've never really quite felt like this, and I've been in some pretty bad relationships that were objectively much worse than this.

I've been resting and recuperating the past couple months. But tonight I had my first suicidal thoughts cross my mind regarding this. It motivated me to post this. I am seeking professional help as well and have a pretty good support system. I know I've been replaced, I can feel it in my gut. I just know. I never asked or knew about her past so I feel I was more of the same. That I was a rebound in a long string of men she's probably hurt. A lot of her "friends" being ones that had left her instead. Or casual sex buddies. I feel she very much lived a double life through social media.

I would very much appreciate... anything really. Support, validation, feedback. Anything. Logically I know there was nothing I could do. That I know what this was. But emotionally, the hole will not leave. The doubt will not subside. This seems like a good community. This has been an absolute mindPLEASE READ. Please help.

[grumpydonut]

Reading this is as if we dated the same person.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I can't offer any advice, as I'm suffering similarly to you, but hopefully knowing you're not alone will help.

[MrBig]

Reading this is as if we dated the same person.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I can't offer any advice, as I'm suffering similarly to you, but hopefully knowing you're not alone will help.

Honestly it really does. Even just your sharing of dealing with similar behavior on a forum like this is a very validating thing. Things will get better for us. Ultimately I keep telling myself, karma is a bitch. I don't wish her I'll but at the same time these behaviors catch up to people and more or less guarantee a less than great quality of life. In a way I'm almost nervous. The overall cordial and ultimately understanding and "high road" tone letter I feel will open me up to contact at a later time. I hope not (though some part of me does, the aftermath of this manipulation is sickening is it not?)

 I do deserve better and I feel although it was self pitying part of her does know this. Almost a vague admittance of the actions I never got confirmation on. But my intuition is rarely off, I'm not the type to accuse of such a serious offense in relationships.

Not to pry, but did your ex have multiple reasons as time went on for the lack of physical intimacy. I got everything from ex bf trauma, to "not feeling sexy," (her IG indicated quite otherwise), to just "having a period of not being sexual. Despite me full well knowing of a very active dating and sex life before me. She even went as far as accusing me of sexual assault. But in a way of "forgiving me," due to not "picking up on body language."

Being a survivor of childhood assault, this floored me. I sobbed that day, felt like the scum of the earth. It set me up to never even try, as I genuinely pay very close attention to those things due to my history. I was fearful of being accused again or making her uncomfortable. But in all honesty if you're not secure enough to say "no," or if you honestly have any of those issues, you should be honest enough not to date. It all reeks of mindPLEASE READery and manipulation. As I see her on Tinder three weeks after I went NC. (Conveniently a day before my birthday and after cracking a joke about tinder on Facebook.) Though I'd blocked her.

I feel bad for "rebounding." But deep in my heart I knew what she was doing and didn't want to sit sobbing while she was getting hers. I've since stopped doing this as I knew even then it was a distraction and not going to help me move on.

I wish you well, friend. This may be dark humor or inappropriate. I apologize if it is. But for all we know. Maybe we did date the same person . Trying to use humor to get me through this one day at a time. You deserve better too.

[grumpydonut]

Yes, I got that she was depressed. Later on she told me that she could never feel horny anymore. Other things she said included sex having no meaning to her, etc.

She only cheated on me the one time, but in the week leading she mentioned she wanted to have a threesome (two girls with me) which was the completely opposite of the girl I knew, so I knew something was up. The day after cheating (I didn't know yet) she said that rather than a threesome I should just have sex with a girl to make her feel jealous.

[MrBig]

Yes, I got that she was depressed. Later on she told me that she could never feel horny anymore. Other things she said included sex having no meaning to her, etc.

She only cheated on me the one time, but in the week leading she mentioned she wanted to have a threesome (two girls with me) which was the completely opposite of the girl I knew, so I knew something was up. The day after cheating (I didn't know yet) she said that rather than a threesome I should just have sex with a girl to make her feel jealous.

God, these people really are strange. I can see a mile away that that would have been a complete setup to smear campaign you. At the end of the day I'm just glad that my hardships in life and childhood did not lead me down that dark path of moral and ethical bankruptcy.

[l8kgrl]

MrBig, I'm glad you just posted, I just read your post from yesterday and was worried when you said you were feeling suicidal. Are you doing better now? You said you have support, do you have someone you will call if you are having those feelings again?

You will get through this and move on to something much better!

There is a reason these r/s are hard to get over...the highs and lows create a state that's basically addictive. You're so right that it's a total mind bc you can see intellectually that it's an awful situation but still emotionally crave the person. Have you read about trauma bonds? Having lots of highs and lows, fear, anxiety, etc in your r/s actually can create an intense bond.

But we can get over this and move on!

Oh and if it makes you feel better, my ex-bf was similar in regards to sex. He would often say things like "I'm not feeling sexual." I think it was more a power thing? I don't know. He liked to be able to control when we would and wouldn't have sex. It was only when he was in the mood. One time when I tried to initiate he said "I can't think of anything that sounds less appealing" or some similar awfulness. I have fears that he also was unfaithful but no evidence. It's an awful thing to feel rejected by your partner. I'm sorry you went through that. You deserve better.

[MrBig]

MrBig, I'm glad you just posted, I just read your post from yesterday and was worried when you said you were feeling suicidal. Are you doing better now? You said you have support, do you have someone you will call if you are having those feelings again?

You will get through this and move on to something much better!

There is a reason these r/s are hard to get over...the highs and lows create a state that's basically addictive. You're so right that it's a total mind bc you can see intellectually that it's an awful situation but still emotionally crave the person. Have you read about trauma bonds? Having lots of highs and lows, fear, anxiety, etc in your r/s actually can create an intense bond.

But we can get over this and move on!

Oh and if it makes you feel better, my ex-bf was similar in regards to sex. He would often say things like "I'm not feeling sexual." I think it was more a power thing? I don't know. He liked to be able to control when we would and wouldn't have sex. It was only when he was in the mood. One time when I tried to initiate he said "I can't think of anything that sounds less appealing" or some similar awfulness. I have fears that he also was unfaithful but no evidence. It's an awful thing to feel rejected by your partner. I'm sorry you went through that. You deserve better.

Thank you so much for your concern and response. I am doing better at this moment. Today was just very difficult, there are ups and downs as I'm sure you know. I do have a few people I can lean on who know that although I feel these things I won't act on them so they know not to panic. (Unfortunately I attempted eight years ago at 20 due to a medication induced episode.) I would never make that choice again and am thankful for my life and the good I've done in it. I genuinely do care about people and want to be a good force in the world.

That's the most frustrating thing. Collectively I've worked in mental health and human services for almost a decade. I have done so much research on mental illness to understand myself. After run ins with some really bad people I began reading up on personality disorders a couple years back. NPD etc. But I still fell for this. She was showing me off at her musical performances. Saying I was the healthiest relationship she'd ever had. Classic love bombing.

She was just so different from past partners. Job, apartment, sober, well but not formally educated. I guess my admittedly bad reference points on relationships made it easier to stay through the bad. I honestly thought it was just "something you go through in relationships." Where she never physically assaulted me or outright verbally abused me I thought it was great given the good times. But this has been a crash course in listening to my gut and calling a spade a spade. As well as self worth and respect. I will make it through as I am one tough bastard. I've seen death and some things worse than and have kept my heart and integrity. But this is hard. I almost wish I'd disengaged earlier to maybe have a friendship. I really did love and understand her given the abuse she'd suffered in childhood. But given what I've read, that probably would have yielded results of charming and beyond. The exhaustion I've felt is palpable. She dumped me a week before my finals. But I won and got my degree despite it all. I have pride in that. This is all such a trip. Thank you again for the support.

[once removed]

hi MrBig, and

"You can find love with someone else." A complete 180 from the "I love you so so much," while leaving me a week earlier?" Completely cold and detached. I asked her if she felt that in all honesty given her depression and stress from the pandemic if she felt that maybe we could work through all of this. A curt "not really."

the last time that i saw my ex, we spent a lovely weekend together, no fighting, went on a date, and she told me shed "fallen in love with me all over again".

about a week later, she went hard distant, and it turned out, as she said, shed been thinking about breaking up with me for a while. i was shocked. i never saw it coming. about a week after that, she was with someone else.

do you think thats part of what youre struggling with? how she could be so into you, and then seem so detached?

[MrBig]

hi MrBig, and

the last time that i saw my ex, we spent a lovely weekend together, no fighting, went on a date, and she told me shed "fallen in love with me all over again".

about a week later, she went hard distant, and it turned out, as she said, shed been thinking about breaking up with me for a while. i was shocked. i never saw it coming. about a week after that, she was with someone else.

do you think thats part of what youre struggling with? how she could be so into you, and then seem so detached?

Thank you for the welcoming, I've already felt so much less crazy from seeing stories on here. That's a big part of it yes. I guess knowing that this was probably a thing for a while. That instead of cutting the relationship off, she seemingly kept me around for emotional support and to receive the love I give. When I fall for someone I'd do just about anything for them, I love them. Y'know? To know that in a way I was kept to be sucked dry whilst also being in hindsight constantly devalued. The push and pull.

Also being such a coward as to present the breakup as some benevolent thing. Just tell me why you're really leaving at least, it's insulting. She said "this is 100% nothing to do with anything you've done or said." That's just not realistic, people don't leave for no reason. Then once I stood my ground and called her out. Suddenly there were vague reasons. That's the thing, she knew I'd treated her well. That the few wrongs I did do were honestly pretty understandable and nothing unforgivable. She was setting me up to be compliant supply. To put me on her shelf, I've been here before.

I honestly think she saw me getting closer and closer to being done with it and bailed out first. Probably because I'd finally brought into the open the suspicion of infidelity. I truly believe something was going on. There were many signs I rationalized away with trust.

Also, a big part of it is just... the emasculation of it all. The thought of her neglecting me and denying me touch and physical affection while giving it to another. Keeping me on a string of guilt and warping my mind into feeling ashamed for having human needs. To think that after all that she weeks later is searching for even more people to give them something that she blatantly put me down for wanting. It makes me angry. Why the PLEASE READ would you do that to someone?

But, it sucks. I'm very empathetic and understanding or so I like to think. She never said anything but there was definitely sexual trauma there. Also, closeness, intimacy. Those things are like garlic to a vampire from what I've read. I think it was a mix of fear of getting close to me. As well as I think shame, honestly. I feel she knew what she was doing was wrong and kinda... I don't know. Denied me for my own good? I know that doesn't make a lot of sense. Like the thought of me believing sex in a relationship being a beautiful thing that bonds you as opposed to it being "mutual masturbation," as she once put it. That probably scared the PLEASE READ out of her. So if she was having a fling, the internal battle of knowing it's wrong on top of knowing I deserve more, while also wanting me to provide her with love? I couldn't imagine it. That's a sick individual.

I feel very used. On a deep and intimate level. To do so much that would put anyone down. Then blaming me for being human. To be so cold to someone who really loved you for having perfectly valid feelings because how dare they call you out and threaten your precious ego. But at the end of the day, she hates herself. Told me straight up. She made suicidal "jokes" constantly. Multiple days of "I just feel pissed off all the time." I shouldered all of that to see our relationship being called a "burden." I was furious.

I'm angry at myself, I really am. So many times I thought of leaving but didn't. I really loved this person. I know what it is to fight demons inside you. I understood her. The thought of being just, frankly,  the house bitch for her emotional needs while she's going around with god knows who doing god knows what. The thought that she may well have gotten off on that to some degree. Makes me sick.

After the breakup I went off the rails a bit. To have, i hate to admit this, near strangers make me feel more appreciated,  valued physically,  complimented than someone I loved for just shy of a year. That was so hurtful. It made me even angrier, why'd I do that to myself? To have women look at me after them asking me my story and say "well, she's an idiot. You seem like a great guy, and you know what you're doing." It was validating and softened the blow. But it still doesn't take away from the fact that I bonded hard to this person. To have someone do me like that. That I doubted and became a shadow of myself. All to be... an emotional pump and dump. That PLEASE READing hurts. A lot of anger.

[grumpydonut]

Unbelievable how much of my experience I see in that post.

[once removed]

That instead of cutting the relationship off, she seemingly kept me around for emotional support and to receive the love I give. When I fall for someone I'd do just about anything for them, I love them. Y'know? To know that in a way I was kept to be sucked dry whilst also being in hindsight constantly devalued. The push and pull.

i think one of the hardest parts in my process was to learn, and then realize, that my ex and i were on different pages. i felt so deceived.

i had an ex once (different ex) who confessed to me after we broke up, that shed been bored and felt trapped in the relationship for around a month, had pressure from outside sources, and didnt know how to break it off with me. so she rode the waves, sometimes she was into it, sometimes she wasnt...increasingly, she wasnt.

and that was very different than how i was experiencing it at the time.

believe me when i tell you that there will come a time when things make sense, and when it gets better. putting it all together is likely going to require examining some things that while painful, give you greater insight, and ultimately, lead to freedom from the wounds.