Interesting perspective from my wife

[formflier]

So, my Mom now lives close to us.  We got her moved in right as all this COVID stuff went bezerk.  My Mom is tired of being cooped up (stay at home orders for her age group).

There has been some issues with her "slipping out" to get this or that, when it was possible for her to get that stuff without exposure.

Anyway...so it's been tough on her...all of us really.

We are planning a trip back down to my homeplace this summer.  Wanted to leave a few days ago...but life happens. 

I've been communicating daily with my Mom about status and that she will have a day or two heads up when we are ready.

Then...yesterday my Mom called me and said she wanted to let me know something.  In a very serious voice she said  "FF...I don't want you and your family sneaking off to (fill in home state) without me.  That would be a bad thing for you to do."

A bit shocked...I was like "OK..I'm listening."

her:  "FF...is everyone still at your house?"

me "Yes Mom.  Everyone is still at my house.  I want to assure you again you'll have a day or two heads up when we are ready to leave.  You are going with us."

Lots of other stress on me, perhaps I took it wrong.  I felt "accused" or "suspected".  Why would you share that with someone you wouldn't suspect would do this.

So..I called my wife and she didn't answer.  Sent her a text that I could use a friendly voice..to please call if she could.  No answer.  So...I took care of myself and was better soon.
 
Later that evening my wife kinda gave me the third degree about what was up.  I told her the story and she said she  couldn't see why I was upset. 

I let her know I was looking for a friendly ear and not a critique of my feelings, that it was best we went to sleep.

In about 10 minutes my wife put her hand on me and said.

"FF...you shouldn't be upset with your Mom.  She shared a deep fear with you, she knows what is coming."

I have a hard time seeing that perspective, but I get it that many times I was "accused" by my wife of things...she was really trying to communicate a fear to me.

Powerful...yet perplexing.

Thoughts?

Best,

FF

[Notwendy]

This is interesting. I will try to make some sense of it with the detail I see. It has to do with emotional thinking vs logical thinking. I don't see this as a BPD thing.

Decades ago, I read a book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". I think in today's terms it would be seen as somewhat sexist, but we also have our cutural conditionings and so it made sense to me.

It mentioned that women discuss feelings as a means of sharing and resolving them. Men tend to have discussions with a goal of taking care of the issue- some kind of action needed. For women, it's the talking.

Now, I don't think this premise is limited to gender roles, but as two different ways of thinking, I think it still can make sense in terms of communication styles. I think we also need to clarify that thinking in terms of feelings does not mean irrational. I know the difference between a feeling and a fact, which might be confused by someone with BPD.

Your wife may have BPD, but I will suggest that she is more in tune with feelings than you are. You seem to be a logical "take action" person. It also might reflect your occupations. A logical take action approach is necessary in the military to save lives. A feeling approach is important when dealing with children, especially small children and being in tune with them.

Your mother expressed a fear that you would go on a trip and leave her behind due to the Covid-19 pandemic. You interpreted this as an accusation- and saw it as insulting. You know you wouldn't do that. Why is she accusing you of it?

Your wife saw it for what it is- an older woman, who has been isolated due to Covid-19, she's lonely and she's scared this will go on so long and she will be spending her later years alone. She knows you care about her health and imagines you would go somewhere without her to protect her, but she doesn't want that. She wants to be with her family. She asked you that question because she wanted the reassurance that you would bring her along. It was reaching out to you for emotional support during what is a tough situation for her.

I think your wife "got it right" this time.

[formflier]

I think "she got it right" as well.

I'm wondering if there was a "do over" for me, how I could have better responded to my Mom.  How I could have "seen it quicker".

"That would be horrible Mom...I'm certainly glad nothing like that would ever happen in our family."

Or something like that.

Best,

FF

[Notwendy]

I think the SET rules are pretty good ones for everyone. We learn these "tools" with pwBPD but they are actually relationship tools. I think it helps to keep in mind that we "match" our partners in ways- maybe not the same way but we also have "need improvement" areas when it comes to relationships.

People come to this board and sometimes mistakenly assume we are "changing ourselves" for the pwBPD when they think it is the pwBPD who needs to change.

What I found is that- if we improve our relationship skills- it makes us better.

IMHO, we need to work on empathy, validation and not taking things personally - and if something is triggering- sit back and ask ourselves why?

Why did you assume your mother's comment was an accusation? ( that's for you to answer). She did say "FF...I don't want you and your family sneaking off to (fill in home state) without me.  That would be a bad thing for you to do." It sounds like an accusation but it isn't.

Also keep in mind that our own FOO's influence how we express feelings and she may not be so good at it herself. What she's saying is "I am afraid you will leave me behind and that would really hurt my feelings"



So, now focus on empathy and validation---

First- " Gosh mom, that sounds scary and mean. I would feel bad if that happened too. We want to have you with us on the trip. When we plan to leave, I will give you plenty of notice so you can prepare too".

Or something like that. This takes some practice and it's always a work in progress. Gaining this skill might make things easier for you with your wife too