How can I boost my self esteem ?

[Feeling_Sad]

Good morning to all.
I am so happy to be here since I need all the support I get in my situation.
This is my first post.
 I am not an English native speaker so please excuse any lingual mistakes.

I am in a relationship with a man who is  a highly function BPD , for the last five years.
He constantly refuses to get help , and when I suggest it when he is in a calm mood he gets furious ( along with BPD I think that he also has narcissistic characteristics as well).
I knew this person a couple of years from work. I was married for 14 years at the time. We cooperated on a long project and we fell in love. An intense relationship , with deep emotions ... so ended up getting a divorce to be with him. At the time , and since we lived in different cities , I did not realized that he had BPD. I used to interpret his mood swing and anger tantrums as insecurity.

I took the very first hit , when I got the divorce. As soon as I filed for the divorce , my boyfriend who fought for me , who cried and begged to have me ... broke up with me! I was devastated. Almost died of sadness...
The break up was made with unbelievable conditions. He used so many inappropriate words , he was screaming , he hurt me deeply ...he even called me a slut for doing the right thing : Choosing to be with him and not stayed torn between him and a dying marriage. He also said … “ I wish you and your kid get cancer and die”.

The break up lasted for three long months. In the first two , he occasionally called and pick up fights with me , swearing vulgarly. During the third month I decided to use the no contact rule. So , he came back…  telling me that he made a huge mistake , that he was stressed and that I am the love of his life. An I forgave him ...

Since then the “honey moon” lasts for days – minutes – hours …. In which once I am the love of his life and the other times I am a slut , a bitch , I destroy his life etc.…
As the years pass bye, I realize that my self esteem has being trashed. Even if I try not to pay attentions to his words when he is in a crisis , I realize that he really got to me.
I am better looking that him , more educated than him , more successful that him … and instead of packing up and go … I find my self apologizing for HIS drama and mistakes.
He makes me feel , ugly , useless , that nobody will like me , that I do everything wrong … hitting always on my soft spots… the ones that I have trusted him with when he behaves normally.
Please tell me … how do I regain my self – esteem ?
I feel like I am trapped in this relationship …

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[once removed]

having a strong support system is a good step to boosting self esteem.

He constantly refuses to get help , and when I suggest it when he is in a calm mood he gets furious

heed those words. dont do it. think about it...if i told you, after reading your post, that you need help, that would suggest youre the problem, right? and you probably wouldnt take that very well.

he even called me a slut for doing the right thing :

heres the thing.

people with bpd traits have inherent distrust issues. if you were married before, and as the two of you got together, it may have seemed like a great thing came along at the right time, but then things start to get real, and he started to question that. he may have questions and doubts. he may wonder if you would leave him for someone else.

so the relationship was built on something of a shaky foundation. fixing it is going to require really looking at the foundation, repairing it, rebuilding it.

what do you think?