Why does incompetence cost so much?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I’m so frustrated with my case.  I believe the events going on in my divorce are textbook examples on Parental Alienation.  Literally.  I have the textbook, Parental Alienation Science and Law by Demosthenes Lorando and William Bernet.  Still, the court and our GAL are doing all the things that this textbook, many other books on the subject, and numerous PA experts warn NOT to do.  This upsets me on several levels.  First, more harm is being done to my kids while we do ineffective treatments.  Also, it is costing me a lot of money for poor or detrimental results.  My GAL is approaching $20,000 in total costs. If the GAL had even a rudimentary understanding of PA and how to deal with it, she wouldn’t have had to spend so much money trying to figure out what is going on and what to do.  The judge and GAL also have us working with counseling.  The counselor has us going through months of individual therapy, which all the PA texts say is ineffective at best.  So there are counselors and the counseling company that are all getting paid a lot in fees as my situation continues to get worse.

I’m just angered that incompetence is costing me so much money, only to see my kids continue to be harmed, my relationship with them continuing to deteriorate.  In my job, if I was incompetent, I’d lose it.  It looks like in divorce and counseling, being incompetent only makes you more money.

[Wilkinson]

I’m so frustrated with my case.  I believe the events going on in my divorce are textbook examples on Parental Alienation.  Literally.  I have the textbook, Parental Alienation Science and Law by Demosthenes Lorando and William Bernet.  Still, the court and our GAL are doing all the things that this textbook, many other books on the subject, and numerous PA experts warn NOT to do.  This upsets me on several levels.  First, more harm is being done to my kids while we do ineffective treatments.  Also, it is costing me a lot of money for poor or detrimental results.  My GAL is approaching $20,000 in total costs. If the GAL had even a rudimentary understanding of PA and how to deal with it, she wouldn’t have had to spend so much money trying to figure out what is going on and what to do.  The judge and GAL also have us working with counseling.  The counselor has us going through months of individual therapy, which all the PA texts say is ineffective at best.  So there are counselors and the counseling company that are all getting paid a lot in fees as my situation continues to get worse.

I’m just angered that incompetence is costing me so much money, only to see my kids continue to be harmed, my relationship with them continuing to deteriorate.  In my job, if I was incompetent, I’d lose it.  It looks like in divorce and counseling, being incompetent only makes you more money.

[mart555]

Let's just say that divorcing someone with BPD really opened up my eyes to the state of mental health care and legal system when it comes to divorce.   It's terrible. 

[defogging]

I hear you on this.  My situation isn't as serious as yours (at least right now) but I've had frustration with our kids' therapists and prior to that, our marriage counselors.  It's like they just don't see what's right in front of them.

With the marriage counselors - Man, what a disaster.  It was over for me when the last one said I needed anxiety medication and that was the problem in our relationship.  As if she didn't recognize the ever changing stories from my ex.  The silver lining here is this is where I learned to play my cards close to the vest.  If you come out and say that you think something is wrong mentally with the other partner, people start suspecting it is you.

With the kids' therapists - They've actually been really good so far.  But, my wife got in a tiff with one of them and fired her without my knowledge.  (she's not allowed to do this per our parenting plan)  I think the other two counselors get it, they won't say it outright but I can read in their eyes that they trust my words more.  However, one of them suggested to me that my ex and I get co-parenting counseling.  I was like...Really?  Based on what you've seen from my ex, you think that's all we need?

It can be very frustrating when the courts and therapists treat this simply like it's two people who just can't get along.  As if we are both healthy, well adjusted adults that are responsible 50/50 for the problems.  I think the reality is that the PD is telling so many lies that nobody knows what to think, they can't tell if I'm full of it or my ex is.  All you can do is soldier on and take the next step everyday.  When I get frustrated I think about how much I love my kids and want a good childhood for them, and that's enough motivation to keep going through it.

[MeandThee29]

It can be very frustrating when the courts and therapists treat this simply like it's two people who just can't get along.  As if we are both healthy, well adjusted adults that are responsible 50/50 for the problems.  I think the reality is that the PD is telling so many lies that nobody knows what to think, they can't tell if I'm full of it or my ex is.  All you can do is soldier on and take the next step everyday.  

From this board, I knew what to expect and hired an older attorney (40+ years of experience) with a specialty in high-conflict divorce. At signing he said that if he wrote a book, my case would get a whole chapter. It was unlike any other in some ways, but he flexed and got it done.

But the vast majority of people including the professionals don't get it.

[defogging]

From this board, I knew what to expect and hired an older attorney (40+ years of experience) with a specialty in high-conflict divorce. At signing he said that if he wrote a book, my case would get a whole chapter. It was unlike any other in some ways, but he flexed and got it done.

But the vast majority of people including the professionals don't get it.

I was also fortunate enough to have found forums like this, and knew I needed an attorney that could handle a high conflict divorce with mental health issues involved.  I chose mine because he had a unique background.  He started with a bachelor's in psychology and did social work for 10 years.  He decided at one point that he was tired of finding babies in freezers and helping out families that were a disaster after the damage had already been done.  He wanted to be able to help families on the front end, so he went to law school to practice family law.  All along he has had an uncanny knack for predicting my ex's behavior, it has been very helpful.

Now, I wish I could have the same luck with a therapist.  None of them seem to be able to see through Mom's act...