Moving forward with the divorce

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi all!  This is my first post.  I filed for divorce 10 months after we got married, and now we've been separated for 6 months.   I love my wife, however I was completely, utterly destroyed by her.   I was lucky to be able to hold on to my job through this.   I started going to therapy a few months before I filed, asking why is this person wanting to fight all the time over nothing.  Due to travel/scheduling/wife's preference, I wound up going to 5 or 6 therapists.  One of them evidently had experience with BPD, because he nailed it in the first visit.  I had barely heard of it before, just that I remember some women I went out with in college had it, and it was hopeless(still didn't stop me).   Anyway, lots of therapy, and 6 months later, here I am, accepting that my wife will.not.change, no matter what I do.   I had hoped that individual therapy would help our relationship, and now that she's finally going, it's too little too late, I hope it helps her but there is no US.   

Has anybody else paused in their divorce to reconcile?  What motivated you to finalize the divorce? 
I'm gaining more strength daily.  Thanks to you all!

[Freedom_83]

Hi all!  This is my first post.  I filed for divorce 10 months after we got married, and now we've been separated for 6 months.   I love my wife, however I was completely, utterly destroyed by her.   I was lucky to be able to hold on to my job through this.   I started going to therapy a few months before I filed, asking why is this person wanting to fight all the time over nothing.  Due to travel/scheduling/wife's preference, I wound up going to 5 or 6 therapists.  One of them evidently had experience with BPD, because he nailed it in the first visit.  I had barely heard of it before, just that I remember some women I went out with in college had it, and it was hopeless(still didn't stop me).   Anyway, lots of therapy, and 6 months later, here I am, accepting that my wife will.not.change, no matter what I do.   I had hoped that individual therapy would help our relationship, and now that she's finally going, it's too little too late, I hope it helps her but there is no US.   

Has anybody else paused in their divorce to reconcile?  What motivated you to finalize the divorce? 
I'm gaining more strength daily.  Thanks to you all!

[mart555]

What motivated you to finalize the divorce? 

This book:  https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321 
It made me realize that I was a caretaker, and since life is too short to be wasted I did not want to be in the same situation in a few years... 

[livednlearned]

Welcome and hello! I'm glad you found the site and are building strength. These are tough relationships so it helps to walk with others to sort out what happened and how we got here.

Individual therapy can be profound for many of us, especially when we look back and see a pattern in the partners we picked.

Is your wife hoping to reverse the separation and get back together? I sense you might be a little torn, feeling certain there is no "us" and then wondering if reconciliation has ever worked.

Does your wife accept that she might have BPD?

The only person I personally know with suspected BPD is my stepdaughter (23) and she seems to use therapy to tell one-sided versions of stories where she is never at fault. I do think she gets some help managing her pervasive anxieties and how to manage them, but in terms of interpersonal relationships, there is most likely little to no personal accountability for her actions because that is not how her mind constructs reality. Everything is feeling = facts, and if feelings are wrong, then she is wrong, and that is too painful because it means she has no self.

[MeandThee29]

Of course NPD/BPD is a spectrum, so every situation is a little different. Mine never accepted that there was a problem with his thinking (he has aspects of both). The therapist who diagnosed said given that it was on the malignant side, it would take a year or more if he stuck with it. And in that year, we'd have to remain separated for my well-being.

In the end, his family decided all of that was a crock and that I was the crazy one, so that was that. I wasn't in a financial position to push the divorce, but he did. It went all kinds of crazy on his side while I just wanted it done. I have no doubt that there was no future there because of the way the divorce went. Both of my kids are young adults and had their issues as well because of what they experienced growing up but are thankfully on the other side now.

[defogging]

One thing to watch out for is how a person with a PD will try to suck you back into the relationship.  This happened numerous times during my divorce.  It made no sense.  She would falsely accuse me of all kinds of abuse, and then the next week I'd receive a letter through our lawyers from her that she wanted to reconcile.  That bounced back and forth for five months.  Luckily I was mentally done with it, all I've ever heard is that if you go back things might be good for a short while but eventually the emotional abuse gets worse than before.

I was motivated to go through with the divorce when the reality hit me that everything about my wife was a farce.  She was never the person she pretended to be at the beginning, it was all an act.  To get to this point took four years of struggle with multiple family counselors involved, and ever swirling stories and false narratives about what was going on.  I finally came out of the FOG and realized she will never change and she's not who I thought she was.

[Goosey]

Its so hard to realize it’s over. 
I am divorcing after 23 years. I’ve posted a few times and I see I am all over the place with my feelings.
   I don’t even know my wife anymore. I haven’t had a “real” conversation with her in over 3 years. It’s like she just woke up and hated me then begged me to hold her then spit me out. She has a blank look when I spoke about our daughter. And now she is gone, I know she is in a relationship and I can just imagine real trouble ahead there. Whomever it is I pray has some self control or someone will get hurt.
  I’m lost. I can’t seem to get my act together. I can’t concentrate on work I’m at 20 percent capacity. I have no contact and I still dread her but worry about her. I really need to get my act together but I have gone underground with all my family and friends because I am a bore and it’s embarrassing how conflicted I am. So I guess I am just lecturing myself. I know I can do this but I have to stop talking to myself haha. It’s so strange I am not really upset she is with someone I am more worried about her killing someone on the road while in a rage. It is terrifying and I worry so much about her.

[BDR]

Goosey I love that post especially the part about 3 years without a real conversation. You get to a point where you realize your living with a child - maybe that the thing that racks our brains and draws us in . Being responsible and living in the day to day grind taking care of a spouse year in and year out and having to be the adult who is stable and consistent isn't always glamorous. They can be kind of an escape for us especially when we are the one that they choose to draw close to -but looking back 20 years I realize I was left out in the cold and alone much more than I was the chosen one .

[GaGrl]

I'm not usually on this thread, but I have to say this was my husband's experience with his ex, who is uBPD/NPD. Had we not put boundaries in place in ourcmarriage, she (at age 65) would still be looking at DH (Dear Husband) as a parent figure to solve and resolve her problems...even though she as a life-in boyfriend of 18-19 years!

Boundaries.