Grown Daughter has BPD

[4catlover]

Hello: 
I have a grown 32 yr old daughter with BPD and other mental health issues.  She and I do the best we can with her issues and I try to support her.  Sometimes I guess I don't know how to draw the line.  She will drink and call me 40x accusing me of every bad thing as a mother.  Her father and I are divorced and she accuses him of abuse.  He is out of the picture with her.  I turn off my phone when I say I have heard enough but  I told her my boundaries with calling intoxicated.  But I feel bad at the same time?  She will call other times and rant and rave and I listen for an hour but I have to do other things and I say so.  But I feel so guilty as I am the only friend and support she has in the family.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Hi 4Catlover,
 You are doing great in setting boundaries with your daughter.  Our BPD adults can't set the boundaries, but we can and we must for two reasons:
1. We have the same rights as our BPD adult children and we are just as important.
2. The BPD adult child needs to know that behaviors have consequences.  They certainly would not be able to spout off like that in the world of co workers, supervisors, in public, etc without consequences.  We would be doing them no favors to bend over backwards to accommodate their ill formed coping skills( I say this for me as much as for you ).
3. The guilt is an inside job we have to work on;guilt it is a mighty force .  Learning detachment is key .  I actually go to nar anon, a free 12 step program for families based on the principles of alanon.  These help us with detachment and for us to put the focus back on us.  One sobering way I look at the necessity of detachment is this:  What will my adult BPD do when I am not around any more?  He would be forced to learn some better coping skills then. 
4. You are doing the right thing.

[Thanks]

Hi, 4Catlover,
This is so very hard and we totally get it in this message board. As a mom of a BPD adult daughter, one thing that was really helpful to me is learning as much as I can about it. One thing I recently learned is how research shows, when there are multiple problems i.e. substance abuse, depression) that it works best if the BPD gets treated first. Interesting.
I agree with Swimmy very much, and keeping those things in mind has been very helpful for me - my daughter too, because we can relate better.
Good luck! you are not alone.