Sort of the hurry up version of telling the kids about divorce - ideas?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I'm in mid-divorce-talks with STBX.  I have been privately deliberating about how to tell the kids for years (yes, years).  I think I know what spirit I want to have in the message.  I also wanted to wait much longer until we had a lot of answers to what I think the kids want to know.  Things like, where will we live, what's our schedule, what about [all the kids concerns].  I don't have most of the answers.
 
Unfortunately, I don't think I have time to deliver it my way.  STBX is taking the kids on vacation to her family very soon.  Apparently, her family knows about the looming divorce. I am uncomfortable with the situation.  I am afraid that word will get out to the kids, if not outright, through overheard conversations, and certainly treatment of the kids while they are with mom's family.  And, it could be a wild ride if STBX's mom paints me black - which I have seen her do to others who fell from "the family."

I can't help what they do, but I think I want the kids to hear the divorce news from me, preferably both parents.  I can't think of another way around this because of the timing. I'm scrambling in my mind to think of what to say and how. 

My main message will be, of course, that even if parents don't love each other like they used to, the parents will always, and forever, love the kids.  Lots of love, support, no blame, lots of forgiving and moving forward. 
Then, I'll explain that like some homes have a two car garage, this family will now have two homes.   

Any tips on a crash course how to tell the kids?

Secretly, I'm actually really excited about the prospects of divorce - just to be free and healthy. I'll temper my signs of being relieved.

Thanks everyone!

[SamwizeGamgee]

I'm in mid-divorce-talks with STBX.  I have been privately deliberating about how to tell the kids for years (yes, years).  I think I know what spirit I want to have in the message.  I also wanted to wait much longer until we had a lot of answers to what I think the kids want to know.  Things like, where will we live, what's our schedule, what about [all the kids concerns].  I don't have most of the answers.
 
Unfortunately, I don't think I have time to deliver it my way.  STBX is taking the kids on vacation to her family very soon.  Apparently, her family knows about the looming divorce. I am uncomfortable with the situation.  I am afraid that word will get out to the kids, if not outright, through overheard conversations, and certainly treatment of the kids while they are with mom's family.  And, it could be a wild ride if STBX's mom paints me black - which I have seen her do to others who fell from "the family."

I can't help what they do, but I think I want the kids to hear the divorce news from me, preferably both parents.  I can't think of another way around this because of the timing. I'm scrambling in my mind to think of what to say and how. 

My main message will be, of course, that even if parents don't love each other like they used to, the parents will always, and forever, love the kids.  Lots of love, support, no blame, lots of forgiving and moving forward. 
Then, I'll explain that like some homes have a two car garage, this family will now have two homes.   

Any tips on a crash course how to tell the kids?

Secretly, I'm actually really excited about the prospects of divorce - just to be free and healthy. I'll temper my signs of being relieved.

Thanks everyone!

[kells76]

Hey SamwizeGamgee;

STBX is taking the kids on vacation to her family very soon.  Apparently, her family knows about the looming divorce. I am uncomfortable with the situation.  I am afraid that word will get out to the kids,

How soon -- like, days? A week? Just getting an idea of the time frame you're working with.

I can't help what they do, but I think I want the kids to hear the divorce news from me, preferably both parents.  I can't think of another way around this because of the timing. I'm scrambling in my mind to think of what to say and how.

What do you think would happen if you told your STBX, "You know, given where we're at in our divorce process, I plan to tell the kids. I think we're on the same page that we should do it together. I'll make sure to save time for you" (or something like that), where instead of asking and waiting, you decide and inform?

If you gave a specific time (like "tomorrow at lunch"), do you think she would try to undermine you by "getting in front" and, for example, telling the kids tonight? Or, is she together enough that she would work with you on this?

My main message will be, of course, that even if parents don't love each other like they used to, the parents will always, and forever, love the kids.  Lots of love, support, no blame, lots of forgiving and moving forward. Then, I'll explain that like some homes have a two car garage, this family will now have two homes.   

I thank God that I have not had to do this. It sounds really difficult. I'm sorry that things have gotten to that point for you and your family, even as I recognize the health of ending the toxicity and the relief you feel at being done with an unhealthy marriage relationship.

Given that I haven't had that conversation, this is just "thoughts" versus "experience". I think I'd do very little explaining and share very little about the parents' love or not-love for each other. So, you could consider not putting in the part of "even though Mom and I don't love each other like we used to", because my concern would be that even if that's followed by "but we'll always love you", it still plants a seed of "Can Dad stop loving someone in the family?" The second part of your message sounds good -- you guys will always love the kids just like you always have. Avoiding any blame or "Mom wanted the divorce, and so I had to do it" type stuff also sounds good. I'd be 50/50 on "forgiveness" and "moving forward" -- might be a lot to handle for the conversation.

We are almost 10 years past DH's divorce and over 7 years into our marriage. SD14 is finally starting to really dig and ask questions about our family structure and history. Know that you don't have to wrap everything up in this one conversation -- it will take a LONG time to unpack. Maybe there's a way to share with the kids "If you think of a question after today, that's OK -- we can always talk about what you're thinking about." So, there's no pressure to get everything resolved and figured out at once.

I guess I would focus as much as possible on the kids' lives, though I do see that there is a lot up in the air. Even so, I think there are ways to be "concrete" about what you don't know:

"Kids, Mommy and I going to live in separate houses -- this happens a lot to families. You guys will have two places to live, kind of like [fill in the garage analogy, and/or use an example of a friend's family]. We're still your parents, that doesn't change. We decided we will be more peaceful and be a better Mom and Dad to you when we have separate houses."

Kids: "Where will the other house be?"
You and/or STBX: "We aren't sure yet, because it takes a little time to rent a house -- you can't do it right away. It'll probably be close to school [or say something that you DO know about the situation]"

Kids: "Will we still go to X school?"
[do you know this? or is this up in the air? can you say something like "that's the plan right now"?]

Yeah, I think focusing on the kids' lives, and having as much of a "united front" to them as possible would be good. As much of "Mom and I are figuring that out and will tell you once we know more" kinds of statements as possible.

 

[ForeverDad]

There's a saying, the wall have ears.  Odds are, if they're not very young, they know much more than they've admitted and might not be such a surprise to them.  Afterward, when some of them have private moments with you, they might even say something like, "what took you so long?"  Or they may try to hold onto their hopes for a storybook family.  Could be anything in between.

They probably know schoolmates, neighbors and friends who are in split families.  It shouldn't be a too foreign a concept to them.

As much as possible, go with the "it is what it is" approach.  Kids generally do better when they're not put in the middle and when the adults make the big decisions.  Getting too much into details could sidetrack you, or worse, sidetrack the ex into negativity.

I agree with kells76, if you set an advance time, you could be sabotaged before then.

Ponder too how you can avoid being painted black during the discussion, if possible.  BPD has Blaming and Blame Shifting as hallmark traits.

[mart555]

How old are the kids?  If they are old enough to understand (7+?) they'll find it really difficult to accept because for them the family was functional.  They'll likely eventually understand if there isn't too much alienation. 

My kids were 10 and 14 at the time. I took my oldest to McDonalds for a hot chocolate.  He was really sad, missed school the next day, feeling ill.  I told my youngest one at home (mom was in psych ward) and he then blamed me for months, I was the evil destroyer of the family and was the one that caused his mom to go crazy (that's when it really went downhill).  And he had told me a year before the divorce "Do you love mom? I wouldn't, she's always yelling at you".  Add a nasty smear campaign from the mom and it wasn't easy ("your father wants to destroy this family! Tell him that's non sense!").  A few months later, I got the "At first I did not understand why you wanted to divorce mom. Now I do".   Same goes for my youngest one, although he wishes we'd have a normal family. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that:
- PLEASE READ will hit the fan, be ready for a smear campaign and alienation.  Your wife may not grasp that you really want out, she may think you're playing chicken and that by the time you realize how expensive it will be because she'll screw you over and walk over you, you'll change your mind. Been there, done that. 
- The kids will find it rough and might bottle it.  Be ready for that. Talk to them. They need validation.  It may take months to get them to open up. 
- The kids will come around.
- Be there for your kids after. You're the stable one.  It can be a wild ride for everyone involved. 

One last tip: cover your ass. record and document. record audio when you talk to her in person or on the phone.  be ready for anything.  A few weeks after it was announced my ex chased my oldest one in the house when he was trying to call 911 since she was threatening suicide.  I stopped her and she was hitting me while he was on the phone with 911.  Cops picked her up.  That was on Christmas eve.  That's when the "adventure" truly began and my recordings pretty much saved me.   

Now, my kids sleep well. Eat well. Their stomach cramps / general body pain that they had for year is gone.  Their stress comes back with everything mom related.. 

Good luck.

[SamwizeGamgee]

Thanks everyone. STBX is taking the kids on a 2.5 weeks road trip vacation to her parent's.  Leaving next week it looks like.  I'd like to tell the kids in a day or two.  I want those first few days of shock and adjustment while I'm nearby.  Not tell them right before leaving, and then they leave - mom would have the full time blame campaign going.  

D21, D19 (fully alienated from me for three years), S15, D12, D9.

I'll admit the kids are probably not that clueless.  I told my D21 yesterday while we were out on an errand, and she had some follow up questions, but, acted fine the whole time since.  It's not a mystery, since I've been sleeping in the basement room for five years and a few weeks ago my wife hit a point and piled everything in the house of mine up in the basement. STBX and I can keep it pretty cool most of the time, but, a perceptive kid would see through the shallow nice and sense the deeper problems.  

The more I think about the actual moment of telling the kids, it gets simpler. Still scary, but, more matter-of-fact.  It will feel good to be open about it.

Still hoping to pick my words well.

[SamwizeGamgee]

It also hasn't escaped my notice that this issue is being forced to the front just in time for father's day. And right before she takes the kids away on a trip to her side of the family. 
Oh well.  We make our own lasting memories as we can.

[mart555]

I'd tell them after their trip... otherwise the vacation will likely turn into an alienation vacation..

[SamwizeGamgee]

I wanted to tell them much later than that, as in once I have more answers - where will we live, what days and weeks will look like, etc...
But, they are going to the in-laws.  MIL is awesome, sometimes.  I've seen her turn on people, and she knows about the divorce. The well has been poisoned so to speak. I don't have any faith the in-laws will keep it secret, or pass up an opportunity to "help" counsel the kids. 
This vacation was just suddenly announced a couple weeks ago. 
All I can do is pray, and keep being the good dad. 
If I can't stop MIL, I can still be a proactive dad.

[GaGrl]

Because of the "poisoned well" situation, my thought would be Friday night or Saturday. Not Father's Day, for sure.

[MeandThee29]

Mine were older. My ex was living far away. He called me, and then I told them.

They were very quiet and didn't want to talk, and I respected that. The older one said they had talked about it between themselves multiple times but wasn't forthcoming with what they said. I gave them an overview of what was going to happen next, and that was it.

Later they vented and asked questions, but not at the time. They had to process it. In my case, the key was how I handled it from that point on. I kept it positive and shared very few of the details as it unfolded. They were curious about the legal process and liked the funny things my attorney said which I shared with them.

It's important to remember that individuals process these things differently, and the same with kids of any age. I don't think there's formula, just be there for your kids.

[SamwizeGamgee]

Update: We presented the separation and divorce last night to the kids.
I still have to inform the estranged D19.  I don't really know how to tell someone who is practicing strict no-contact.

All in all, it went well.  STBX and I stayed supportive, loving, and open.  We stuck to our prepared talking points, mostly. 

I'm pretty sure my excitement inside carried over, since the kids all had positive things they mentioned looking forward to with a divorce. It's not all sunshine and roses, but, the news is out, and I'm feeling incredibly relieved and positive.

And to think, I stayed married "for the kids" for two decades or so. 

[MeandThee29]

Deep breath. You can do this. Ignore all the doom-and-gloom about kids of divorce. More recent, detailed studies have shown that when there is a divorce because of mental health issues, the kids almost always do better.

I stayed for the kids too and hope that somehow it would get better. It didn't.

[livednlearned]

"Do you have any questions?" is a good thing to ask. Many of us forget that one...

My son wanted to know things like whether he would have two toothbrushes, and would he have to carry extra underwear to school like a kid he knew whose parents were divorced. And would he have to take a different bus.

All his concerns were about whether he was going to be ok, including potentially psychologically distressing things mainly related to peers and what they would think about him.

Is D19 in contact with her mom? How did the alienation go down?