BPD Ex Accused Me of Lying, Manipulating And I Can't Move On

[FP74070]

Hi everyone (this is my first post and a lengthy one so I apologize in advance). I've been struggling to come to terms with an incident that occurred a few months ago with my BPD ex. I can't see a therapist at the moment -I do hope to see one when the pandemic subsides-, don't want to tie up a texting or phone hotline with my problem, and I'm desperate to either get some kind of closure or to open up about it without bothering one of my friends so any thoughts, advice, guidance is greatly appreciated.

(I should note upfront that there are things that I said and did that I'm not proud of so I don't want to make it appear as if I'm completely without blame. Her actions were the cause of what I did wrong, but I still wish I had not done them just the same as they're not characteristic of me.)

Backstory: My ex and were together for 10 months (engaged for the last 7), but we had known each other for 6 months prior to dating. We split up back in August of last year after being unable to resolve a difference on which we were on different sides. The breakup really devastated both of us. We had a very loving, devoted relationship and I was prepared to wait out her period of treatment however long it was going to last. I had ZERO intention or desire to leave her. I really believed she was the one. We met purely by chance (I think divine intervention played a role) one evening 2 years ago and gradually got to know each other over the next 6 months before we started dating. During the time from when I really got to know her up to now she was:

-admitted to a mental hospital for BPD and Anorexia for 6 weeks during the summer
-attempted suicide 2 months later and was then re-admitted to another hospital for 2 weeks after which things seemed fine.
-had a bad eating disorder relapse and her heart nearly gave out which
-resulted in her being re-admitted to the mental hospital right before Christmas.
-was at the same hospital for 9 months (the entire time we were together) before she
-was transferred to another hospital for 4 months before she
-was transferred again to another hospital where she still was as of almost 3 months ago. 

After we split up we barely spoke (I figured she needed her space and I myself didn't want any contact for quite awhile) and it was about a month and a half before we had a friendly conversation. Then it was another month before we talked again but when we did it went very well and I told her to keep in touch with how her recovery was going (she appeared to be showing good signs). We started talking again a bit more frequently and it was nice for us to be good friends again. She even thanked me for a couple of things I did for her earlier in the year which was greatly appreciated it made me feel that I really did help her at least a little.

Then at around Thanksgiving we seemed to start to lose touch again which started to upset me, but I didn't think anything was wrong. A couple of weeks later she called me telling me that she got transferred to her current hospital and she sounded so on edge and defensive (not towards me, just in general) and I couldn't help but think that she had changed so suddenly. Feeling awful that she was still hospitalized for the 2nd Christmas in a row I sent her a gift in the mail so that she would have something to open up.

Right after Christmas I decided to pay her a surprise visit at the hospital she was transferred to. It was my hope that my dropping by would let her know that I really did still care about her well being and that I thought enough about her to make the trip out. She didn't seem to appreciate the surprise element and was moving her head around a lot and had trouble looking at me at times, but we still seemed to be having a pleasant enough visit.

Then one thing led to another and I told her that I too had an eating disorder and that it started during the last 3 months of our relationship (it had been going on for over 7 months at this point). She was absolutely LIVID. She went from sounding worried to angry very quickly. I understood why she was mad and I didn't get defensive. Especially since I knew that eating disorders have genetic links and what ended our relationship was centered around her not wanting us to have our own children as they would be at risk for developing one. I tried my best to explain to her that at the time I didn't think that it was a "real E.D." that needed immediate attention (I knew there were similar characteristics, but I didn't think it was a problem since it was really nothing more than controlled dieting).

Perhaps because of having witnessed her situation I subconsciously needed a coping mechanism and thus would explain why I felt that I "wanted my dieting to be an eating disorder" so that I wouldn't feel so isolated or anxious, etc. even though it hadn't spiraled out of control yet. I think for a moment here and there I felt or knew that what was going on with me could be a problem, but since I myself don't have BPD and I did have control over my eating it didn't register with me that this was something that needed disclosure to her. And since it hadn't been going on for the 3 month minimum period of time before an accurate diagnosis can be made (as stated in the DSM) I couldn't tell her for certain that I had an E.D. Ironically during the last week of our relationship I was actively working on restoring my weight out of worry that I would get sick. Then when we split up I used my E.D. as a coping mechanism/a way to give myself some attention (not from anyone else though).

What happened: About a week later she sent me a detailed message accusing me of lying to her, manipulating her, and using her. That I was researching eating disorders "under the guise" of helping her. Told me not reach out to any members of her medical team. And then even went into about how "you're not going to find a wife if you keep lying and working at a supermarket", etc. I was so taken aback by what she had to say. I felt completely blindsighted. There was no word of truth to her claims about lying and manipulating. I wasn't deliberately keeping anything from her and I was not afraid of opening up to her about something like that and I wasn't afraid of confronting her about something that I disagreed with her on that was a true "dealbreaker", even if it meant our relationship would end.

After spending hours trying to think of how to respond I finally sent her a message back telling her it wasn't true and that I didn't like the person she had become. She clearly took that extremely personally as her subsequent reply was all "The person you knew was SICK...", "Here's what you don't know..." and went on and on about how she went X amount of days without eating (which only made me want to do the same unfortunately thanks to my E.D.), about her mom's abuse toward her, etc. On top of that there had been quite a few statements she made that sounded equivocal and she was twisting my words and twisting/re-purposing certain details and sounding so "calculated".

All these things that I knew and didn't know she was throwing them at me in a way that made it sound like she was trying to guilt trip me. This went on and on and I told her that she was being abusive and that she was gaslighting me. She then tried calling me (I now think she may have been looking for a fight..) I tried to tell her twice that if she wanted to talk on the phone she could call me the next day and that I was busy coordinating something work related. I was also feeling so flustered and losing track of the conversation so I wanted a break to gather myself. To which she claimed that I was accusing her of domestic abuse and that knowing her situation with her mother that it was "messed" up (she used a more colorful word) and that's when I lost my patience and said to her:

"Oh shut up. Seriously. Knock it off. I'm not at fault for what happened to you at home and in fact I told you more than once to let go of your situation with your family. So don't throw that at me!"

She then claimed I was "adding to her trauma" which I was not trying to do and in hindsight I wonder if she was trying to guilt trip me. She then implied that I was deliberately trying to take advantage of her BPD and how her emotions work, etc. Then on top of that she said "You know you'll be a great parent. Can't wait to see your children in therapy. And so can I" That angered me at the time, but that really angers me now. And when she accused me of something else I threw down the gauntlet and said "Oh yeah what about making me believe for months that we had resolved our differences over *X issue* only to drop the ball on me, accuse me of abandoning you and then getting up and walking over towards the entrance and banging your head against the floor. That was SO NOT COOL." 

She then left a few voicemails over the next couple of days acting snippy and bitter saying that she shared our chat with her friends (?) and they told her to cut off contact with me. We did exchange a few non-fighting messages on instagram but then she turned against me 2 days later and that was that. 

I will add: she was NEVER like this before. Not ONCE. We had fights and disagreements before and even after we split up when she would get really angry with me but NOTHING like this.  

Where I am now: I do realize that I should have chosen some of my words better in responding to her, but at the time I know I was too overwhelmed with anger to think straight. I know I could have said worse and I kept my cool as best I can.
Part of me is just realizing that if she could accuse me of lying to her, manipulating her, deceiving her, etc. then shouldn't I have the right to accuse her for not telling me everything about what was going on with her when: 1) she told me not to worry about her when we first started dating because she had people looking after her making sure she would be okay.

2) she told me not to worry right after her relapse a year ago when I told her I was worried about what was going to happen to her and her condition deteriorated to the point that she was on suicide watch.

3) She told me when I last saw her that she wouldn't be triggered if I told her what was wrong. That was the ONLY reason I told her about my eating disorder. I was worried telling her would ttrigger something within her and set back her recovery.

4) I gave her the benefit of the doubt so many times on a number of things, but she wouldn't give me 

I don't know maybe I'm Monday morning quarterbacking myself. Things that didn't hurt me 5 months ago are really hurting me now, things that I didn't feel guilty about at the time I feel awful about now, things I said that I initially didn't regret because of how hurt and confused and flustered I was by her false accusations I do regret now. I'm feeling consumed by the prospect that maybe I did add to her trauma (even though that was not my intention and I was saying those things as a way of defending myself and putting my foot down). I know that if I wanted to really stick it to her I could have said X,Y, and Z. but I chose not to because I knew it was wrong. I was always mindful about not doing or saying anything to upset her or trigger her illness as best I could for the longest time. I'm not trying to portray myself as some kind of saint, but I'm not the devil either. 

And even though it's been almost a year since we broke up and months after we had direct contact I still find myself trying to make sense of all of this and looking up info about BPD. I was doing so well moving on those first 2-3 months last year and now I feel like I'm worse off now all these months later. I really just wish I could move on for good I'm sick of feeling like I'm some kind of monster. If it wasn't cruel or immoral, etc. I would maybe try to forget she was ever in my life (even though I don't want to go to that extent) :/ 

Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this. I know it's a lot so I appreciate it :-)

[once removed]

I don't know maybe I'm Monday morning quarterbacking myself. Things that didn't hurt me 5 months ago are really hurting me now, things that I didn't feel guilty about at the time I feel awful about now,

one of the hardest parts of breaking up is the wounds still linger. the resentment over their inadequacies. the resentment over their implications that we are inadequate.

its not uncommon that the fights over all this carry on even after the relationship ends. and then the fight carries on in our hearts and minds. and sometimes, thats the hardest part to let go of.

neither of you set out for things to end up this way. neither of you wanted things to end up this way. but they did...and its heartbreaking.

youre struggling now to come to terms with what happened, and how it happened. and youve found good company to do that.

the fact of the matter is, all of these things happened. all of us, myself included, said and did things we regret. sadly, we cant erase those things. we can, with support, learn to let go of them, and learn from them, learn the lessons we want to take into future relationships.

[Robbland]

i have struggled to detach and let go for a long time and I feel your pain.

The biggest help for me was to find my own life - to do things I enjoyed, build social circles and hobbies.

I didnt stop thinking about her but having my own life helped. No communication also helped, it didnt happen quickly, but slowly eventually it got better and I found peace with my own life.

However unfortunately i got drawn back in and now my lifes even more of a mess, but I do know one thing, and that is that i'm happier without her no matter how much i feel strongly for her.