Dispute Over Summer Childcare for S7

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I realized my other thread about D11's eating disorder was getting taken over by my latest drama with uBPDxw over summer childcare for S7.  I figured the topic deserves its own thread at this point since the saga continues...

The setup is that with the pandemic and my mom currently in the middle of months of chemo for lymphoma, I don't think it's safe to send S7 to any summer camp programs.  So since I usually would sign the kids up for camp at the YMCA and it would be all taken care of, uBPDxw has been looking to me to figure out childcare coverage in both of our homes for the duration.  (see messages exchanged for more detail in this message ... https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=344742.msg13113108#msg13113108)

Then it became a dispute over finances.  The custody order says I'm responsible for paying for track out camp, which is usually only 3 weeks out of the summer, but the school/break schedule has changed because of COVID. So now not only are we looking at 8 weeks rather than 3, we are talking about in-home one-on-one care, which is far more expensive.  And uBPDxw wants to interpret the language of the custody order as loosely as possible and make me responsible for the entire cost.  (More details here ... https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=344742.msg13113914#msg13113914)

Maybe I missed something, but is it possible to offer your sister as extra care during BPDxw's custodial time if money is tight?

LnL, I love your idea about offering reasonable solutions in response to the situation, and usually that's what I try to do.  If it were an option for my sister to help with the extra coverage needed at uBPDxw's house, then sure I would offer it...only after seeing everything uBPDxw has put me through, my sister hates her guts. 

Your point is well taken in general...it's just that she really has abdicated any of her own agency and responsibility to find solutions.  She is so very convinced that I should be responsible to solve the problem for her.  I guess because she believes/wants me to be responsible for paying for it all, and/or because in her mind I'm the only one putting the restriction on the options for care (camp vs. in-home).

What I find so infuriating is that I really think she only wants S7 in camp because she can't have him in the home with her, and she is completely throwing caution to the wind as far as the risks of exposure to COVID-19 pose not only for my mom, but also for her (she has asthma)...and even for S7.  Apparently, she cannot effectively get any work done from home when he is there because he demands so much attention.

And actually, since my post yesterday, uBPDxw had a little meltdown.  I had sent an update to the PC and family T midday yesterday (with uBPDxw copied) that we had agreed on hiring a candidate.  The family T observed that it sounded like things were moving along well, and I responded that for the sake of transparency I would not characterize it that way since it has not been a collaborative process at all.  I felt like it was important to be very clear that in spite of the family T's encouragement to work together, uBPDxw had barely engaged or contributed to the solution at all.  And in parallel, I know uBPDxw's L got the letter from my L making it clear I intend to fight her insistence that I pay for all of it.

So then uBPDxw melted down:

Again, in the spirit of "transparency", we are at Thursday, 6/18. I have agreed to hire the nanny, however, I have no idea if she will actually be working with S7 while he is in my care.  I called and left her voicemail on Monday of this week and followed up with an explicit email listing the days and hours I would need her.  She will be working for mw from 1-5pm Mondays, Tuesdays and every other Friday.  mw refuses to tell me what her "other arrangement" is for his care while she is working full time.  For example, while the YMCA would normally allow me to work from 9:30 to 5:30 during my custodial time, mw is representing that Sitter is "not open to" 9:30 to 4:30 on Wed./Thur.  I have asked for a half day (9:30 to 1:30) on my Fridays.

Meanwhile, mw and her attorney are insisting at "capping" me at $40/day for finding full-time or even part-time care for S7.  We're paying PC and family T to "work it out amongst ourselves" while paying uBPDxw's L and mw's L to fight about mw's financial obligations stated in the Consent Order.

I have NO IDEA whether or not I will have care for S7 this coming week.  I am not able to complete any meaningful work without childcare for him.  Throwing any consistency, routine and normalcy for him out the window (e.g., disregarding his best interests and trying to find a way for me to be able to work every day of the week), I need to know if I should pursue my own options for care while he is with me.

We've got 5+ therapists, ED clinic, two attorneys and a PC. Despite all of said resources, I feel as if we are getting nowhere. 

SOMEONE HELP S7 ON THIS.  SOMEONE HELP ME ON THIS.

uBPDxw

So I tried, again, to respond calmly and reasonably, while still not being willing to take on more of my fair share of the responsibility.

uBPDxw,

I'm also a little frustrated that Sitter hasn't responded to the messages from Monday, as I would also like to know what we can plan on.  I did not know until your message just now that she has also not responded to you.  Sitter told me at the end of last week that she was going out of town, but I thought that was just for the weekend.  I might have misunderstood, and it may be that she was out of town for the week (hence her first available date being 6/23).  I left her a follow-up voicemail just now and hope one of us will hear from her soon.

Since you agreed with hiring Sitter on Monday of this week, I haven't pursued any other arrangements on my end.  I still very much hope to hire her for half a day each day S7 is with me, and hope she can provide at least that much support for you.  I didn't realize you were waiting on any additional information about other arrangements for S7 while he is with me, and certainly haven't refused to tell you.  I thought it was clear that I would be keeping him home with me while I work remotely, again with occasional help from my sister, and apologize if it wasn't.

You are right that I did relay Sitter's feedback last week that the amount of hours you were requesting for Wednesday-Thursday would be problematic given her summer course load.  You never responded with any indication that we should look for a different candidate because of this, and confirmed on Monday for us to proceed with asking her to work for us.  I'm not sure what else I can do at this point.

mw

I suspect that between the delay in response from our potential sitter, my latest response, and the dispute over finances, uBPDxw pushed the PC to force S7 into the camp program at the Y.  I suspect that she's realizing she can't force me to cover more cost, so that would be the only way she can get full-time care for him at no cost to her.

And then I get this encouraging response from the PC:

mw and uBPDxw,

At this time, I am not going to require either of you to assume more risk related to COVID that you are comfortable assuming, especially given the high-risk  members of your respective households. As such, unless the two of you mutually agree in writing/e-mail to use a common child-care provider (which I certainly encourage), then each of you are responsible during your respective custodial days for finding appropriate child care for S7.

PC

I admit I had to chat with my sister and have a little laugh over how terribly I'm sure uBPDxw took this response from the PC.  I'm usually the calm and mature one, but I couldn't help but have a "SO THERE!" moment.  Externally to uBPDxw, I tried to keep it brief and neutral...

Thank you for the update, PC.

uBPDxw, I am still in agreement to hire Sitter for S7's care in both of our homes, assuming she is still interested, and I would like to give her until Monday to respond.  Her credentials and hourly rate are compelling, and I don't want to miss out on working with her over a possible miscommunication.  Please let me know if you feel otherwise.

If Sitter has decided not to work with us, or if you have decided Sitter is no longer a viable candidate, I am open to looking for someone else.  As before, I welcome your suggestions and proposed candidates for screening.  Until we can find an alternate candidate that we agree on, I will hire coverage in my house as I am able (most likely from neighborhood teens).

mw

So, we'll see what happens next.  I'm sure she'll find some way to act out on this, and am just bracing myself...

mw

[mama-wolf]

I realized my other thread about D11's eating disorder was getting taken over by my latest drama with uBPDxw over summer childcare for S7.  I figured the topic deserves its own thread at this point since the saga continues...

The setup is that with the pandemic and my mom currently in the middle of months of chemo for lymphoma, I don't think it's safe to send S7 to any summer camp programs.  So since I usually would sign the kids up for camp at the YMCA and it would be all taken care of, uBPDxw has been looking to me to figure out childcare coverage in both of our homes for the duration.  (see messages exchanged for more detail in this message ... https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=344742.msg13113108#msg13113108)

Then it became a dispute over finances.  The custody order says I'm responsible for paying for track out camp, which is usually only 3 weeks out of the summer, but the school/break schedule has changed because of COVID. So now not only are we looking at 8 weeks rather than 3, we are talking about in-home one-on-one care, which is far more expensive.  And uBPDxw wants to interpret the language of the custody order as loosely as possible and make me responsible for the entire cost.  (More details here ... https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=344742.msg13113914#msg13113914)

Maybe I missed something, but is it possible to offer your sister as extra care during BPDxw's custodial time if money is tight?

LnL, I love your idea about offering reasonable solutions in response to the situation, and usually that's what I try to do.  If it were an option for my sister to help with the extra coverage needed at uBPDxw's house, then sure I would offer it...only after seeing everything uBPDxw has put me through, my sister hates her guts. 

Your point is well taken in general...it's just that she really has abdicated any of her own agency and responsibility to find solutions.  She is so very convinced that I should be responsible to solve the problem for her.  I guess because she believes/wants me to be responsible for paying for it all, and/or because in her mind I'm the only one putting the restriction on the options for care (camp vs. in-home).

What I find so infuriating is that I really think she only wants S7 in camp because she can't have him in the home with her, and she is completely throwing caution to the wind as far as the risks of exposure to COVID-19 pose not only for my mom, but also for her (she has asthma)...and even for S7.  Apparently, she cannot effectively get any work done from home when he is there because he demands so much attention.

And actually, since my post yesterday, uBPDxw had a little meltdown.  I had sent an update to the PC and family T midday yesterday (with uBPDxw copied) that we had agreed on hiring a candidate.  The family T observed that it sounded like things were moving along well, and I responded that for the sake of transparency I would not characterize it that way since it has not been a collaborative process at all.  I felt like it was important to be very clear that in spite of the family T's encouragement to work together, uBPDxw had barely engaged or contributed to the solution at all.  And in parallel, I know uBPDxw's L got the letter from my L making it clear I intend to fight her insistence that I pay for all of it.

So then uBPDxw melted down:

Again, in the spirit of "transparency", we are at Thursday, 6/18. I have agreed to hire the nanny, however, I have no idea if she will actually be working with S7 while he is in my care.  I called and left her voicemail on Monday of this week and followed up with an explicit email listing the days and hours I would need her.  She will be working for mw from 1-5pm Mondays, Tuesdays and every other Friday.  mw refuses to tell me what her "other arrangement" is for his care while she is working full time.  For example, while the YMCA would normally allow me to work from 9:30 to 5:30 during my custodial time, mw is representing that Sitter is "not open to" 9:30 to 4:30 on Wed./Thur.  I have asked for a half day (9:30 to 1:30) on my Fridays.

Meanwhile, mw and her attorney are insisting at "capping" me at $40/day for finding full-time or even part-time care for S7.  We're paying PC and family T to "work it out amongst ourselves" while paying uBPDxw's L and mw's L to fight about mw's financial obligations stated in the Consent Order.

I have NO IDEA whether or not I will have care for S7 this coming week.  I am not able to complete any meaningful work without childcare for him.  Throwing any consistency, routine and normalcy for him out the window (e.g., disregarding his best interests and trying to find a way for me to be able to work every day of the week), I need to know if I should pursue my own options for care while he is with me.

We've got 5+ therapists, ED clinic, two attorneys and a PC. Despite all of said resources, I feel as if we are getting nowhere. 

SOMEONE HELP S7 ON THIS.  SOMEONE HELP ME ON THIS.

uBPDxw

So I tried, again, to respond calmly and reasonably, while still not being willing to take on more of my fair share of the responsibility.

uBPDxw,

I'm also a little frustrated that Sitter hasn't responded to the messages from Monday, as I would also like to know what we can plan on.  I did not know until your message just now that she has also not responded to you.  Sitter told me at the end of last week that she was going out of town, but I thought that was just for the weekend.  I might have misunderstood, and it may be that she was out of town for the week (hence her first available date being 6/23).  I left her a follow-up voicemail just now and hope one of us will hear from her soon.

Since you agreed with hiring Sitter on Monday of this week, I haven't pursued any other arrangements on my end.  I still very much hope to hire her for half a day each day S7 is with me, and hope she can provide at least that much support for you.  I didn't realize you were waiting on any additional information about other arrangements for S7 while he is with me, and certainly haven't refused to tell you.  I thought it was clear that I would be keeping him home with me while I work remotely, again with occasional help from my sister, and apologize if it wasn't.

You are right that I did relay Sitter's feedback last week that the amount of hours you were requesting for Wednesday-Thursday would be problematic given her summer course load.  You never responded with any indication that we should look for a different candidate because of this, and confirmed on Monday for us to proceed with asking her to work for us.  I'm not sure what else I can do at this point.

mw

I suspect that between the delay in response from our potential sitter, my latest response, and the dispute over finances, uBPDxw pushed the PC to force S7 into the camp program at the Y.  I suspect that she's realizing she can't force me to cover more cost, so that would be the only way she can get full-time care for him at no cost to her.

And then I get this encouraging response from the PC:

mw and uBPDxw,

At this time, I am not going to require either of you to assume more risk related to COVID that you are comfortable assuming, especially given the high-risk  members of your respective households. As such, unless the two of you mutually agree in writing/e-mail to use a common child-care provider (which I certainly encourage), then each of you are responsible during your respective custodial days for finding appropriate child care for S7.

PC

I admit I had to chat with my sister and have a little laugh over how terribly I'm sure uBPDxw took this response from the PC.  I'm usually the calm and mature one, but I couldn't help but have a "SO THERE!" moment.  Externally to uBPDxw, I tried to keep it brief and neutral...

Thank you for the update, PC.

uBPDxw, I am still in agreement to hire Sitter for S7's care in both of our homes, assuming she is still interested, and I would like to give her until Monday to respond.  Her credentials and hourly rate are compelling, and I don't want to miss out on working with her over a possible miscommunication.  Please let me know if you feel otherwise.

If Sitter has decided not to work with us, or if you have decided Sitter is no longer a viable candidate, I am open to looking for someone else.  As before, I welcome your suggestions and proposed candidates for screening.  Until we can find an alternate candidate that we agree on, I will hire coverage in my house as I am able (most likely from neighborhood teens).

mw

So, we'll see what happens next.  I'm sure she'll find some way to act out on this, and am just bracing myself...

mw

[worriedStepmom]

Given what the PC said, does that mean ex can put S7 in YMCA camp during her time?

[livednlearned]

I can never get over how similar these BPD emails sound. It's like your ex and my ex took the same class on how to write covertly aggressive emails.  

It's tragic that a pwBPD becomes enraged at others for not being able to solve the very same problems created by the behaviors of the pwBPD.

She cannot get beyond her grief/pain/resentment toward you so anything involving you quickly becomes flooded in anger. Her intelligence liquifies into unmanageable emotions when it comes to you.

To her, it must be that the person who elicits these strong emotions then becomes the person responsible for them. Any problem that comes up is somehow caused by you, just like (in her mind) the feelings are created by you.

I should be beyond trying to understand these dynamics but I can't seem to stop wanting to know why.

The only thing that makes sense to me is the "no sense of self" quality of BPD. Meaning, in order to see the obvious connection between her own actions and consequences, she at the very least must have a sense of self. Since her sense of self is either not there or so weak she can't assert it, then all of her pain and suffering comes from somewhere (and someone) else.

Can you imagine what it must be like to go through life like that?  

It makes me wonder if the PC and family T are misguided in focusing on collaborative solutions.

How can someone so triggered have the capacity to work cooperatively with the same person she blames for her intense emotions?

I'll be curious if the PC weighs in on the summer camp. My PC got to a point where she made stern warnings to ex and once that started, the process broke down. Ex could not tolerate having those warnings directed toward him and he began to make threats toward her. Shortly after that, she asked to be withdrawn from our case (which became evidence in me getting what amounted to full custody).

Your ex seems to be on the verge of something she might have trouble walking back.

[zachira]

Mama-wolf:
I have been following your story. I am wondering if you might explore with your therapist what boundaries you absolutely have to set with your ex regarding custody of the children, including financial ones. You are experiencing what so many of us go through with a disordered person in our lives, that the more you give the more that person takes and does what he/she can to blame you for their internal raging battle of emotions. It is like you never know what is coming next from her. I am wondering if there is any way you could get full custody, and I am under the impression that maybe you would like to do that. I admire your courage, in standing up for your children, being the kind of mother you are, and doing everything you can to help your children under some extremely extenuating circumstances.

[mama-wolf]

Given what the PC said, does that mean ex can put S7 in YMCA camp during her time?

That's a pretty broad interpretation of his message, but I wouldn't put it past her to try that if she can.  I made my position clear that I don't agree for him to be in any camp situation where he would be in a group of kids and counselors.  To me, putting him in something like that during the pandemic would not fall under the "appropriate child care" description the PC used.  I would be inclined to ask him to block it, but he may not since I also want autonomy on my end to make arrangements I deem appropriate when it's my custodial time.  At the very least, she couldn't sign S7 up for the Y because she would have to pay for the whole week...they don't do it day by day, and she can't afford the whole week.  There may be other camps that do daily signups, but I would at the very least call out her choice to put everyone at risk--including herself--and otherwise would have to implement extra precautions at my house.

She cannot get beyond her grief/pain/resentment toward you so anything involving you quickly becomes flooded in anger. Her intelligence liquifies into unmanageable emotions when it comes to you.

To her, it must be that the person who elicits these strong emotions then becomes the person responsible for them. Any problem that comes up is somehow caused by you, just like (in her mind) the feelings are created by you.

Yes, that's a great way to put it.  And the whole missing sense of self also seems to fit.

It makes me wonder if the PC and family T are misguided in focusing on collaborative solutions.

How can someone so triggered have the capacity to work cooperatively with the same person she blames for her intense emotions?

I really do wonder where their minds are at with this.  They seem to recognize that collaborative solutions just won't work, yet they seem to feel stuck promoting that since they generally have to work with the custody order as it stands now and can't be seen as taking sides.  But I know they have had to take a more active role in shielding me from uBPDxw's expectations and behaviors, so I think they are really getting a clear picture of who she really is.  It took me so very long to see it, but it's getting harder and harder for her to hide it now.

The term "collaborative" took me back to how uBPDxw demanded we go through a collaborative divorce process, and she was so furious I hired my own L instead.  Can you imagine if I had taken the path she wanted?  I shudder more and more each time I revisit that thought, especially with each new situation like this.

Your ex seems to be on the verge of something she might have trouble walking back.

My T has been predicting for some time that this would likely happen.  That she would paint herself into a corner and then have some kind of meltdown.  If it's going to happen, then I hope it happens soon so that we can get it over with and get to finalizing a change in custody.

You are experiencing what so many of us go through with a disordered person in our lives, that the more you give the more that person takes and does what he/she can to blame you for their internal raging battle of emotions. It is like you never know what is coming next from her.

Hi, zachira, and thanks for joining in!  I think part of the reason I have been posting my latest struggles is for exactly this reminder from you and the others that I really am experiencing what I think I'm experiencing...I really am going through this with a pwBPD.  It's validation and confirmation that I sometimes forget I need until the situation starts getting overwhelming (again).

I am wondering if there is any way you could get full custody, and I am under the impression that maybe you would like to do that. I admire your courage, in standing up for your children, being the kind of mother you are, and doing everything you can to help your children under some extremely extenuating circumstances.

I think full custody is probably a stretch for what I could get, even though at this point I'd take it if I could.  I think the professionals involved still feel there is some benefit for the kids to have a second parent in their lives, even as disordered as she is.  Honestly, I mostly want them to still have the connection with the rest of her family...they have grandparents, an uncle, an aunt, and two cousins on her side of the family, and they should not lose those relationships just because their other parent is incapable of parenting. 

It's a razor's edge I'm trying to walk, but you are correct I'm pushing for as much as I can get.  With D11, it's non-negotiable...her eating disorder proves to me that I should take full custody (physical and legal) in the best interests of her ongoing recovery.  Even still, I would want to figure out how visitation could foster those extended family relationships.  S7 is a little less cut-and-dry, but I think there is ample evidence that he would be better served by an 80-20 or maybe 70-30 schedule.  I would still want full legal custody for him as well, but am not sure how successful that argument would be.

uBPDxw informed me she is not comfortable waiting to hear back from the sitter we had agreed on, so she is going to "cobble together" her own arrangements for this week.  She also included a passive aggressive acknowledgement that I referred her threat of legal action to my attorney.  I simply responded and asked if she still wanted to collaborate on the long-term plan, but so far she has ignored me.

She just really , really isn't liking that she can't control me and my choices like she used to.  But what's really messed up is that I'm left still worrying if I'm the one being controlling by maintaining my firm boundaries.  I recognize the flaw in the thought, but it's still there and drives me crazy sometimes. I think that's also why I post as much detail of the communication as I do, too...it really helps to get others' perspectives, so thank you to all who comment!

mw

[zachira]

Mama-wolf,
I think we all question ourselves at times when dealing with a severely disordered person if we are making things worse by maintaining our firm boundaries. You are doing your best to be flexible yet you can not be as flexible with your ex as a normal person, and you have no control over how badly your ex is going to treat you and your children when she feels like it. All of this having to deal with a severely disordered person, can make us feel at times like maybe we are the crazy one. I see one of your biggest challenges is not to take on your ex's poisonous anger when she is acting out and harming your children. You are human, and it so natural for a mother to want to do everything to defend her children and keep them safe. Anger can be a positive emotion when it allows us to take the right kinds of actions in the most difficult of circumstances and to feel our sadness.

[livednlearned]

I'm left still worrying if I'm the one being controlling by maintaining my firm boundaries

I felt this way times a thousand with my uBPD step daughter (23).

After having a brother with BPD traits, and an ex husband, I thought I had this stuff figured out and then boom. SD23 showed up in my life and really put my skills to the test.

In Sheep's Clothing, a book about covert aggression written by George Simon, is amazing. I can't say enough about it. It's not so much that it's a book about BPD, it's more that it describes how someone who is character disordered thinks about people who are not.

Simon writes that character-disordered people are fighting for something, always, and working so hard to be in a one-up position, all the time. There are techniques that go along with that and understanding them helped me defang my own guilt. It almost (not completely) got to the point where I can see SD23's moves and just think, "Huh. Looks like she is _____ so I'm going to respond with ______."
 
He wrote, "manipulators are skilled at using what they know to be the greater conscientiousness of their victims as a means of keeping them in a self-doubting, anxious, and submissive position. The more conscientious the potential victim, the more effective guilt is as a weapon."

He also wrote, "any manipulator's real leverage is in knowing the character of his victim well enough to know how that person will likely respond to the tactics he uses. He may know the victim will give him the benefit of the doubt, buy his excuses, be hesitant to ascribe evil intention, etc. He may know how conscientious the individual is and how effective shame and guilt will be."

I think you're doing a lot of what he discusses in his book so it's more about framing it in a way so you can see more what your "opponent" is doing. Unmasking the details of what she is doing might be very empowering and help you set down some of that guilt without it feeling like you're forcing yourself to do so.

Your ex seems to know she is pushing your buttons so the key is to close that window up, without feeling guilty about it. With SD23, her last visit was fascinating. She can't figure out how to push my buttons anymore because I reconfigured my buttons and they're fully hidden. Each time I didn't give her the reaction she was going for, the buttons got harder and harder to see, much less push.

That doesn't mean she didn't try so that was annoying. But I could see her coming a mile away and it almost made it ... satisfying? when things played out the way it was supposed to, and my emotions were mostly calm (other than some venting to a friend).

[worriedStepmom]

I'm hearing that you are more interested in fostering a relationship between the kids and their extended family than necessarily with your ex (and for good reason).

Do those relationships have to go through ex?  My exH's cousin lives a few miles from me.  Occasionally we meet at a park and let all the kids play together.

Are those people healthy enough to be around the kids?  My friend with the NPD ex - the GAL asked for a restraining order keeping her ex's family away from the kids, because the family members were being passive aggressive and trying to alienate the kids from their mom.

I honestly don't believe it would be healthy for your D to spend *any* unsupervised time with her other mom at this point, and probably not for a long time.

[mama-wolf]

You are doing your best to be flexible yet you can not be as flexible with your ex as a normal person,

This is exactly a point my T and I have discussed before...the fact that I have to be this very firm, almost cold, and inflexible person with my ex simply because she turns the least little bit of flexibility into a battle.  With normal people, I can be warmer, friendlier, more flexible, and a little more go-with-the-flow, which is much more true to my nature.  Going against my nature in that way whenever dealing with my ex is incredibly taxing.

He wrote, "manipulators are skilled at using what they know to be the greater conscientiousness of their victims as a means of keeping them in a self-doubting, anxious, and submissive position. The more conscientious the potential victim, the more effective guilt is as a weapon."

This one really hit close to home.

I think you're doing a lot of what he discusses in his book so it's more about framing it in a way so you can see more what your "opponent" is doing. Unmasking the details of what she is doing might be very empowering and help you set down some of that guilt without it feeling like you're forcing yourself to do so.

Yes, it seems like she is constantly trying to play the victim in order to get an advantage over me in sympathy from the professionals we work with.  And she's trying to force conditions on me that give her more power in situations where she really shouldn't have it.  She of course gets even more upset when I highlight that she is in fact not a victim and had ample opportunity to change the situation.  And she can't stand that I will no longer give up my own right to have equal say in a decision--especially when it's clear that we are not going to agree.  She used to be able to wear me down, either through repetition or guilt or both.

Your ex seems to know she is pushing your buttons so the key is to close that window up, without feeling guilty about it.

I'm not quite sure how I can close that window any further.  I had stopped reacting to her for some time, but there is only so much BIFF I can do while she keeps spinning her skewed versions of reality to anyone who will listen.  More recently, I have indicated to the PC and family T that I am no longer going to keep tiptoeing around just for the sake of keeping the peace.  It was a little liberating for me, and my T gave me feedback that the family T thought maybe that's a bit more productive of an approach.  It just hasn't resulted in much improvement at this point.

I exchanged messages with her yesterday, again trying to get a response on whether we are working together to find a caregiver across both our homes.  She never answered my note from Friday where I indicated my willingness to collaborate.  Her response was:

Re: S7's care. I have made my own arrangements for this Wednesday and Thursday; I have three candidates to call this week to make further arrangements for this summer. Please let me know if you want me to mention any of your days for possible coverage.

I have to laugh at this.  I asked her both Friday and yesterday if she wanted to work together to find someone.  Her answer was that she would "mention" my days for "possible coverage."  I take this to be a clear indication that she's not willing to work together, in spite of her repeated pleas before for us to do so in "S7 best interests."  So I responded to see if she would be explicit with her intentions:

RR - I understand you have made your own arrangements for this week. Please specify if it is your intent to coordinate hire of a provider to care for S7 in both of our homes for the remainder of the summer, or if you are screening and arranging care with someone regardless of availability/willingness to provide care in both homes—and regardless of agreement from me on selection of that candidate for care across the homes. Your message suggests that it is not your intent to coordinate, but I don’t want to make assumptions.

No response from uBPDxw for most of the day today, and then the family T checked in to see where things stood.  So I responded to the PC and family T with uBPDxw copied:

I left a voicemail and sent a message through Facebook (how we originally connected) but unfortunately did not hear back from Sitter in spite of her initial enthusiasm.

I also did not hear back from uBPDxw in response to my email on Friday, so I sent a follow-up via OFW yesterday (exchange attached).  uBPDxw has specifically side-stepped any statement committing to work together on selecting a provider to provide care in both homes.  I am left with the understanding that I will have to move forward with my own arrangements at this point.

uBPDxw didn't like that...in OFW, she sent just to me:

I felt insulted when you sent your latest email to PC and family T. They have made it abundantly clear we should try to work this out ourselves. I have never said I was opposed to coordination care. I read your OFW message on Friday as understanding that I couldn't wait for Sitter to respond (or not) for care this week. In addition, PC is just charging us 0.1 and 0.2, etc each time you send him an email which is inefficient for both of us.

This Wednesday and Thursday, S7 will be with Friend's Kid at Friend's home with their regular nanny.

I can certainly ask if the provider(s) are willing to work across both homes. The 3 names came highly recommended from Friend; 2 of them are rising Seniors at University and 1 just graduated in May.

RR: Please reply ASAP if you want me to mention you & your address before I text/call the first candidate this afternoon.

I'm just so done.  I know she's trying to pushing my buttons, trying to change the narrative again, but I hope that since I see it then maybe I'm a step ahead.  Still, my new philosophy is to call out her bullsh*t and not tiptoe around anymore, so I responded:

PC specifically instructed in his email on 6/19 that we mutually document in writing/email if we agree to use a common child-care provider.  Otherwise, we are each on our own.  I responded via email that I was willing.  You did not answer.

I specifically included an RR in my OFW message on Friday asking that you confirm if you want to utilize Sitter for the week of 6/29 moving forward, and if not, then whether you wanted me to proceed with looking for other potential candidates to work in both homes.  You did not answer.

I specifically asked via RR in OFW yesterday whether you are interested in still trying to find a provider who can care for S7 in both homes.  You responded by asking me if I wanted you to "mention any of [my] days for possible coverage" to some candidates you had identified.  I asked for specific clarification as to whether this means you intend to coordinate hire of a provider.  You did not answer.

Your message today still does not confirm that you are willing to work together on this.  Just that you "never said [you were] opposed."  PC and family T encouraged us to work together to find a common solution for S7's sake.  I did not intend any insult in my prior message, nor do I intend insult here.  I have represented your lack of communication to me and lack of collaboration with me accurately.

You're welcome to mention the possibility of additional work at my house to the candidates you speak with, but at this point I have extended myself more than enough in attempting to coordinate any decision-making. As you have not affirmed specifically--after multiple opportunities--that you are willing to work together on identifying, screening, and selecting a common child-care provider, then we are each at this point on our own to make arrangements per PC's email sent on Friday.

I can see her efforts to string me along until she can back me into a corner, where she has found a candidate who works for her needs and then expects me to just accept that person as the provider in my home for the sake of cooperation and consistency for S7.  I'm doing what I can to cut that off right now because it is so incredibly manipulative.

mw

[livednlearned]

Maybe the lesson in this last go-around is the same thing touched on above, that the PC and family T's emphasis on collaboration is a pipe dream, and it unnecessarily drags out the covert aggression from x to you. I mean, at some point this has to stop, no?

Compared to my PC involvement, you are expected to be in the middle of everything ... it's hard to tell if the PC (and family T?) lack the ability to deal with your ex skillfully? Or are they thinking that you'll be the one schooling ex?  

Why isn't the PC explicitly calling your ex out on her behaviors? Why is he repeatedly standing back while you explain to ex why things aren't working?

If he doesn't do it, that places the burden squarely on your shoulders. If the PC were coaching, then it's a neutral third party explaining the rules of engagement, which is preferable to the two parents continuing to fight. Am I missing something?

Obviously the PC knows that he could become ex's target, but that goes with the territory in these cases.

Just to give you an idea of how things were in my case involving a PC, here are some exchanges between PC and n/BPDx:

n/BPDx,
 
I know that you will not see your son Jan 26 because he will be returning from his trip with his mother.  Are you available to spend time with him Jan 21 10-2?
 
PC

n/BPDx to PC:

I think this is not a genuine attempt at communication.

PC to n/BPDx:

n/BPDx,

Apparently you are declining to spend time with son on Jan 21.  So noted.
 
PC

n/BPDx to PC:

And you are named as an accomplice to child abduction.  Bad career move.

PC to n/BPDx:

n/BPDx, you really should think twice or more times before you put in writing what you do.  You are not helping yourself.  I am logging off now that my other tasks are done for the evening, so perhaps you can settle yourself down and think about how to communicate in a more effective, mature fashion.

PC

n/BPDx to PC:

I am perfectly calm and remarkably focused.  I think the maturity is self-evident.  Good night, PC.

later from n/BPDx:

It is painfully apparent that you will continue the evening attempts to provoke me -- presumably, to further your advocacy for LnL -- thinking that I will be less likely to respond with clarity.  But, you are wrong, and you will not get a reaction; and if the Band of Bullies are willing to risk a felony, then there is nothing to do but play it out and see how it affects an examination of fitness for custody.

Note that he does not address whether he wants the extra time with then S11.

This is also a note that the PC wrote to n/BPDx. For context, n/BPDx was disputing the legality of the PC permitting me to travel out of state with S11, affecting one day of n/BPDx's visitation. He was threatening to have me arrested at the airport when I landed in the other state.

Most professionals are united in feeling there is pretty much nothing worse for a child to have the police present for custody disputes.  So far, you are doing a truly excellent job of demonstrating and documenting with a paper trail your complete indifference to S11’s welfare.  You need to think hard about whether you would rather be right (though you are wrong in this instance anyway) or build and sustain a strong relationship with your son.  So far, righteousness is prevailing over relationship.
 
The only response to this message would be “Yes, I shared the consent order and your letter about travel OR “No, I did not share the consent order and the letter about travel.”
 
Clear communication does not require any snarkiness, threats, poetry, facebook postings, etc.

I know we have different cases PCs handle things different depending on state law, so it's possible that your PC is there to make decisions only. I'm sharing this correspondence so you can see an example of how direct my PC was with n/BPDx. In that last email, she even gives him an option A and option B for how to communicate. And then refers back to other forms of stonewalling and obstruction that he does (he had a history of replying with the things she mentions as not clear communication.

The PC, a child psychologist who trains PCs in our states, eventually filed a motion to withdraw from our case. I learned later she did this strategically. In part, she recognized that n/BPDx could not be rehabilitated. But she also did not want to take on an extension of judicial duties for a case that required the more authoritative power of a judge. She did not believe n/BPDx could behave in the best interests of S11 and she did not want to stand in the way of a better custody arrangement than the emergency order we were working under.

n/BPDx threatened many times to file a complaint against her professional association. My L told me the PC's comment to her was, "Not concerned."

At the time I read her emails and thought, wow she's fighting with him. I thought we were trying to cooperate.

But now, I read it and see she was being assertive and forthright and not letting him bully her. I benefited from observing her interact with him skillfully (and appropriately) because I'm a slow learner  

It wasn't until I saw how she communicated with him that I developed some confidence in doing the same. She also addressed stonewalling, obstruction, veiled threats and gave me language for what he was doing.

My intention is not to undermine your confidence in the PC involved because I know there are a lot of factors and variables in our cases. More, I hope this gives you some idea of what a well-respected PC considered appropriate forms of communication so that you don't feel you're failing when you call out ex's tactics explicitly. And I promise I'm not making money off the sale of Simon's book  but it does help to have language to describe the manipulation tactics people hellbent on winning will use.

[worriedStepmom]

Wow, Lnl, I like your PC!  That was very forthright.

mama-wolf, what I noticed in your examples was the lack of clear deadlines. My ex goes through spells where he doesn't respond, so pretty much every question I send includes a "if I don't hear from you by X, I will do Y".

If you had included deadlines and shoved the burden of response onto your ex, there would have been no need for many of your messages.  You might have been able to stop with the first one (the response to the PC), because ex never responded to it.

PC specifically instructed in his email on 6/19 that we mutually document in writing/email if we agree to use a common child-care provider.  Otherwise, we are each on our own.  I responded via email that I was willing.  You did not answer.

I might have included in your original response to the PC and ex that "I am willing to use a common provider.  However, if ex does not explicitly confirm her willingness by 6/21 at noon, then I will make my own plans."

I specifically included an RR in my OFW message on Friday asking that you confirm if you want to utilize Sitter for the week of 6/29 moving forward, and if not, then whether you wanted me to proceed with looking for other potential candidates to work in both homes.  You did not answer.

My OFW message might have included, "If I don't hear from you by X date time, I will assume that we are making separate arrangements."

The deadlines - and the proof that they were missed - is good evidence to show your willingness to work together and her inability to collaborate, as well as your ability to disengage from conflict.

[livednlearned]

Excellent advice about deadlines from worriedStepmom.

If your ex is like mine, she will flip out about the word assume.

I had to start writing (to adapt worriedStepmom's verbiage): If I don't hear from you by X date time, I will make separate arrangements."

It will take a lot of the same thing over and over for her to realize the way she fights is not going to help her win.

[mama-wolf]

The emphasis on cooperation is definitely a pipe dream...

Why isn't the PC explicitly calling your ex out on her behaviors? Why is he repeatedly standing back while you explain to ex why things aren't working?

I do think the PC is taking care of some things offline, without me involved.  I know he has intervened on my behalf a couple times and essentially shut her up. And I can tell he has coached her at a few points.  He's an attorney as opposed to a psychologist, so it's clear his approach is different, and probably influenced by what he knows would eventually end up happening in court.

She did not believe n/BPDx could behave in the best interests of S11 and she did not want to stand in the way of a better custody arrangement than the emergency order we were working under.

I don't think the PC and family T have completely given up hope that my ex could be have in my kids' best interests, but they may be close.  I think they see that she can do this sometimes, but it just gets framed based on what she wants or what is best for her.  It's not objective, it's based on tunnel vision, and it's not negotiable at that point because then any other perspective is against her and taken personally. 

My intention is not to undermine your confidence in the PC involved because I know there are a lot of factors and variables in our cases.

Completely understood and I appreciate the additional perspective from your experience!

If you had included deadlines and shoved the burden of response onto your ex, there would have been no need for many of your messages.  You might have been able to stop with the first one (the response to the PC), because ex never responded to it.

Very solid feedback, WSM, thank you!  I will work on incorporating explicit deadlines in future communications.  I didn't think to do so in all of this because uBPDxw had been standing on her head over the urgency of arranging childcare ever since she threatened me with escalating to the PC back on 6/3.  But now I know better 

This morning, I sent an update confirming to PC, family T, and uBPDxw that I am hiring a recent high school graduate for care at my home at $10/hr.  She has been babysitting for families in the neighborhood for years, and her 16-year-old brother fills in for her when she's not available (which I think would be good for S7 to see).  I forwarded her contact info to uBPDxw, indicating her willingness to provide care in both homes if uBPDxw was interested, and also sent contact info for a first grade teacher (referred by a friend's daughter) who is on break for the summer and looking for work at $15/hr. 

My mistake, because then suddenly from uBPDxw...

I like the idea of having the same sitter/caregiver across households. Because I didn't hear back from you about interest in sharing one of Friend's referrals, I haven't yet reached out to any of them.

I also strongly prefer the idea of a first-grade teacher on summer break better than the high schooler and her brother. Also, we both know and trust a recommendation from [mw's] Friend, so that's a good enough reference for me.

RR: Will you please proceed with hiring her instead of anyone else? Please advise as to start date.

RR: Please confirm if you will be paying 100% of her compensation? When I pay Friend's nanny (or any other provider) I do not intend to waive any rights under the Consent Order to enforce your support obligation.

The rapidity with which she disregards reality leaves my head spinning sometimes!  It's like the last few days never happened.  There is so much wrong with her response, I'm still a little flooded at this point.  At the very least, so that this doesn't linger, I responded with:

As indicated in my message yesterday, and in accordance with PC's email on 6/19, please proceed with making your own arrangements for childcare in your home. I have already moved forward on mine by hiring Neighborhood Sitter. I hope the information forwarded regarding her and Teacher is helpful to you in seeking your own coverage.

On 6/16 you threatened legal action regarding financial obligations, and I have referred the matter to my attorney accordingly. Please direct any remaining questions or comments regarding financial obligation and provider compensation to L.

She absolved herself of any effort to make her own arrangements in spite of the stonewalling of the past several days.  She suddenly put it squarely back in my lap to agree with her selection because it's supposedly oh-so-reasonable.  No inquiry about why I may have chosen to go with Neighborhood Sitter, which she clearly doesn't care about.  No consideration of hourly rate, which was only one factor for me, but makes a hell of a difference when in the same breath she is demanding that I pay 100%.

I really hope this can be put to bed soon.  The constant back and forth is exhausting, and the prospect of an ongoing conflict over the finances gives me a headache.

mw

[worriedStepmom]

Why did you feel the need to tell ex your plans and to pass on other recommendations?  That seems like an invitation to her to continue drama.

Would it have been acceptable to say "I have found plans that work for me.  Ex, let me know if you would like her contact information."?

[mama-wolf]

Why did you feel the need to tell ex your plans and to pass on other recommendations?  That seems like an invitation to her to continue drama.

That's fair.  I was trying to show that I would be supportive by sharing information even though I'm sticking to my boundaries on the selection, decision-making etc.  That's my constant dilemma...I know that when I share information it is going to get twisted and turned to suit uBPDxw's goals wherever possible.  This leaves me erring on the side of not sharing more than absolutely necessary, but I got feedback from the family T that that was not helpful.  So here I tried, and it resulted in exactly what I should have expected.  But it still surprised me.

Plus, I felt a little bad for the teacher who was referred to me by my friend's daughter.  I had wanted to hire her, but when I found a better solution--both within the neighborhood and more affordable--I still wanted to help her out with a possible lead on work.

mw

[worriedStepmom]

I understand that you feel torn - sharing sets ex off and not sharing sets ex off, too.  There's a fine line that you can straddle - offer the bare minimum of info and then offer her the opportunity to request more.   It makes your communications cleaner and more targeted and shoves the responsibility for getting the information back on her.

"I made plans.  If you want the details/contact info, let me know." 

She's likely not going to ask for the details, which means she can't pick a fight over them.  Instead, she'll rant about how you weren't communicating or coordinating or some such nonsense.  The fact that you offered and she wouldn't respond to that particular offer makes it even more clear for anyone watching that she doesn't care about anything except making you look bad. 

If she does ask for the details, I'd give the contact info for your sitter with a "if that doesn't work for you, I got a referral from X from someone else.  Let me know if you want the details."

Again, provide the bare minimum with an offer to give more if she requests.  Always put the onus on her. 

I really think this is the best way to extricate yourself from the drama - give deadlines for her response, with the bare minimum of what you plan to do if you don't hear.  Communicate that you have taken information, and offer to give details if she asks.  Give bare minimum of details.

[livednlearned]

I remember thinking a while ago that it was your family T who appears to believe your ex has the capacity for better behavior. Sure seems like that comes at your expense...

My ex had a drinking problem and seemed to go in and out of mania not to mention psychosis. So maybe family T has seen worse? Which doesn't really help you when it comes to creating a less stressful life, especially with everything else you're going through. Just because family T sees potential doesn't really mean you see the benefits of that thinking.

I'm often unsure what to offer in terms of insight because honestly you are handling this so well. I get the impression that the circle of support has become its own complex dynamic for your family, and it's hard to gauge what to do at this point because all the pieces are so connected.

[mama-wolf]

I really think this is the best way to extricate yourself from the drama - give deadlines for her response, with the bare minimum of what you plan to do if you don't hear.  Communicate that you have taken information, and offer to give details if she asks.  Give bare minimum of details.

I will definitely work on this approach, especially now that she has proven (again) what happens with just a little extra information.

I remember thinking a while ago that it was your family T who appears to believe your ex has the capacity for better behavior. Sure seems like that comes at your expense...

Yes, especially early on, but thankfully my T spoke to her on one of their catch-up calls and was able to convey the re-traumatization that was happening.  Hasn't made it completely better, but at this point I think what I'm suffering through is that attempt on the part of the professionals not to appear that they are playing favorites.

I'm often unsure what to offer in terms of insight because honestly you are handling this so well. I get the impression that the circle of support has become its own complex dynamic for your family, and it's hard to gauge what to do at this point because all the pieces are so connected.

I really can't say enough about how helpful it is to just get another perspective, hear some of others' experience...even if it's just a brief confirmation that I'm not totally screwing everything up.  Thoughts and anxiety swirl around in my brain and it can be really hard to interrupt that cycle on my own, which just takes me down the path of feeling hopeless that any of this is ever going to get any better.  Getting a little external sanity check--along with the great feedback so far on what I could try to tweak--has been one of the greatest benefits for me of this board.  My T can only be there for an hour a week (or two at this point), so I try to remember there are other resources around me.

mw

[livednlearned]

I really can't say enough about how helpful it is to just get another perspective, hear some of others' experience...even if it's just a brief confirmation that I'm not totally screwing everything up.  Thoughts and anxiety swirl around in my brain and it can be really hard to interrupt that cycle on my own, which just takes me down the path of feeling hopeless that any of this is ever going to get any better.  Getting a little external sanity check--along with the great feedback so far on what I could try to tweak--has been one of the greatest benefits for me of this board.  My T can only be there for an hour a week (or two at this point), so I try to remember there are other resources around me.

I should clarify that by circle of support, I mean the family T and PC, and maybe even the individual Ts for the kids. Not us, your cheer leaders rooting you on 

It's probably a bit of a toss up at this point, honestly, whether the "let's not show favoritism" approach to co-parenting is harming you at a time when you really need the complete opposite!

Because a little favoritism may be in order here...

[zachira]

I don't think we are talking about favoritism here. It is the professionals' jobs to do what is necessary to put the children first. In cases in which one parent is abusing the children and the other putting the children first, the professionals need to support the loving parent as much as possible without the awareness of the self absorbed parent as much as that is possible.

[livednlearned]

...then appearance of favoritism.

Favoritism, appearance or not, does seem to show up in our cases, no?

It can seem like third-party professionals are walking on eggshells.

[zachira]

Yes, I would say third-party professionals are often walking on eggshells. Professionals have the same problems we do with disordered individuals. People with NPD, BPD, strong personality disordered traits often get angry if they don't control everything, and a professional has to work hard not to lose the trust of the disordered individual, which can really look like favoritism.