WTF? Please advise - I'm in hell

[Samjustsam]

 
Please. I know everyone is different and there is no one answer but someone must be dealing with something similar. I just need a clue.

Situation: Divorced. She was diagnosed BPD and PTSD. A lot of trauma. I tried for 12 years to help her. I'm not a saint. I've made many mistakes and gotten angry but I've always tried to de-escalate.

We have a son. Trying to co-parent.

She is beyond depression and despair. Can't cope with things like notifications on her phone. Can't clean her kitchen or house. Won't seek help from therapist or anyone else. Refuses to accept diagnosis of BPD.

Calls me daily to tell me how much everyone has hurt her, including me. Tells me she can't live like this and doesn't trust me but there is no one else she can call. She cut off her family and her daughter from previous marriage cut her off. She had a therapist but that person graduated. Low income. Doesn't want to invest the time in another student and Medicaid has very limited options for therapy. She has no one and I won't give up on her but it's literally killing me.

She wants to talk for hours about how hopeless she is in coded suicidal language like "There's no place for me in this world." and "I'm going to remove myself."  Says she is not suicidal but she just doesn't want to go back to a suicide ward again. Those have never helped her.

My question:  How do I express in language she can understand that I can't handle this on my own any more? I've tried to read up on BPD and how to handle it but I've never read anything about handling this intensity for so long.

Every time I try to hang up she says I am damaging her more by cutting her off when she is at her rawest moment but she is always at her rawest moment.

How do I co-parent with someone that can't even take care of herself.
I

[formflier]

Those are big questions you have about a very difficult situation.

What is the coparenting relationship/custody split right now?

What are you hoping we can help you with? 

I can assure you that we are a group of people that "get it".  We understand the crazy.  So you can be open here.

I'll check back soon and we'll get you going in the right direction.

Best,

FF

[Samjustsam]

Thank you FF.  Everything is in flux now.

Last week I took full custody at her request because she said she couldn't handle defiance from our son. She wants to move back to 50/50 split with our son staying every other day at each home.

We live less than a mile apart so he can even ride his own bike between apartments.

My question: How do I communicate that her quasi-suicidal depression/despair/hopelessness is too much for me alone to handle?

She won't seek help because she says it has never worked.

I've been talking to our son about the messages of fear/obligation/guilt and the daily excessive critical lectures.  Trying to help him understand BPD and that it's not his fault.

If she won't seek help and won't accept the BPD diagnosis, what can I do?

[20yearsHRS]

I've been in your shoes except for the divorce.  I should have done that step long ago before my daughter picked up the illness.  I got lucky - sad or not sad to say.  My BPD wife died.  Unlucky for me, my daughter picked up the illness and has a diagnosis now.  My wife would totally mess up the house and leave the piles of dishes, junk, etc. all over the kitchen cabinets.  And I mean all over...  She would leave piles of coke spills, pills, and dills all over the end tables by the couch where she would watch TV all day and sleep.  Yes I mean dills as in dill pickle jars.  She could never keep a job beyond 3-6 months and it was always somebody's fault but her own.  

This will sound cold - but you need to take your son and run for the hills.  I'm not a lawyer but with the diagnosis (if you have a copy) perhaps there is a legal way to take your son and have only very limited visitation or none at all.  Sorry, I'm reading a book "Hidden Abuse" now and it's bringing up too many memories of things I fell into with my first wife.  But I was the good Catholic boy and you are supposed to live with sickness right? through thick and thin?  It is not worth losing you son to the same illness.

You need to live man.  You need to live for yourself and your son.  DBT is the only therapy that works from my limited knowledge and it's a lifelong course of treatment.  If she is refusing to believe the diagnosis, you have no choice but to move on completely.  Cut the chain and be happy.  Assuming your son is ~ 12 years of age, he's old enough to begin to understand the BPD.  Get him therapy to discuss the illness.

I'm praying for you and your son with what little faith I have left.  

[formflier]

Is the 50/50 custody court ordered.  Signed sealed and done?

Would it be wise for you to get that modified (especially if she is in giving mood) to full custody?

You could always relax that based on your own decisions, while leaving the court order at full custody.

Yes we can help you with communication skills.  We also want to improve your legal standing to protect yourself and your child.

How are her parenting skills?

Best,

FF

[ForeverDad]

Last week I took full custody at her request because she said she couldn't handle defiance from our son. She wants to move back to 50/50 split with our son staying every other day at each home.

What is the current parenting schedule?  Sounds like one of you officially has majority time, who is it?  If you now have full custody you would very likely be expected to have majority time.  My story... I got full or legal custody in 2011 but the GAL (Guardian ad Litem) kept the parenting schedule at 50/50.  Why?  So my ex could get child support.  It didn't work, my ex was still just as entitled and disparaging as before.  I went back to court and got majority time during the school year in 2013.  Only then did I get some normalcy in my life.

Frankly, you do need to set and maintain some boundaries.  Read the boundaries articles here on the Tools and Skills board.  She's using you, whether as a crutch or whatever, she's still using you and it's wearing you down.  Something has to change.  However mentally afflicted she is, the court and the rest of society considers her an adult.  The marriage or relationship is over, right?  (Yes, except for the parenting matters.)  Wouldn't a boundary of no more than one call every other day and calls limited to 15 minutes be better for you?

Have you read The Bridge fable as written by Edwin H. Friedman?  Time to read or re-read it.  It illustrates how at some point you just have to Let Go.

[siobhan823]

Hi Sam,

I'm sorry for the situation you are in. It is an unfair burden for you to be dealing with a person with suicidal ideation. It is usually better for a trained person to handle these kinds of situations for a reason, so don't be too hard on yourself.

These are my thoughts just based on what you wrote, so take them for what they're worth.

I don't know if your ex wife wants to talk to anyone but you, so I don't know if there are ways for you to help her understand how hard this is for you. That said, I'm sure there are ways to redirect her to someone who can actually help her (which will help you) and it sounds like members here are helping you do that. I only say that for you to adjust your expectations. With a non-pwBPD helping them understand the stress this gives you would normally help them adjust their behavior. It's not always like that with a pwBPD, which is why it can be more challenging at times.

You need to know that her choices are her own and that she is responsible for herself. When my ex husband was suicidal I called his psychiatrist who told me to call 911. I understand that psych wards are not always helpful and I understand why you would be hesitant to send her there. It sounds to me like she has other avenues for help that she is refusing. That is on her, not you. Does that make sense?

The situation with your son is unfair, too. I have a similar situation with my ex husband (nonBPD) who has volatile health issues, and it is my responsibility to protect the children. I expect the same from him; if I were unstable with my health, mental or otherwise, it is his responsibility to protect the children from me, or anyone. He is required to have his medical professionals sign off on his fitness as a parent every year, and if he doesn't, he has to have supervised visits until he does. It sucks, and I don't want to do it, but I am not the one who created this situation. He is.

You have permission to take care of yourself. You matter, too, and so does your son.

[GaGrl]

You are not trained or qualified to deal with her suicide ideation. It has become an emotional and mental burden that you no longer should carry -- for both your own health and that of your son.

Calling 911 allows someone better prepared than you are to assess the situation. If it happened more than once, you then have documentation of your ex's instability. That can help when you petition for a custody change.

[kells76]

Hey Samjustsam;

Welcome to the group 

Does your xW (ex wife) "want to talk for hours about how hopeless she is in coded suicidal language" when your son is with her? With you? Both?

Just getting a feel for the dynamics -- hoping some insight will be helpful for us as we walk with you.

How old is your son? Preteen/older?

I've been talking to our son about the messages of fear/obligation/guilt and the daily excessive critical lectures.  Trying to help him understand BPD and that it's not his fault.

How does he respond? Does he share what he thinks about his mom?

Lots of questions, I know. Answer if/when you feel up for it.

All the best;

kells76

[worriedStepmom]

It's overwhelming when someone puts all of their emotions and their very wellbeing on our shoulders, isn't it?  I feel very sorry for your wife, but you can't fix her life for her, and it isn't fair that she expects you to do so.

What kind of a support system do you have?  Do you see a therapist?  Does your son?  If not, I highly recommend that you get one for both of you.  It's HARD to deal with all of this on your own.

It is very easy to fall into the FOG (Fear, Obligation, and Guilt) and focus on taking care of the person with BPD.  Really, though, your job is to take care of your son.  The bottom line has to be - do you think your ex is capable of taking care of your son physically and mentally while he is with her?

If you don't think she is capable of that, then it might be best to try to get majority parenting time right now.  If you do think she is capable, then I'd recommend having a long talk with your son.  My H and I thought that his uBPDex was doing okay with their daughter...and then we found out when SD was 11 that SD was afraid to go to sleep at mom's because she thought her mom would kill herself if SD wasn't watching her.   That was a punch to the gut.

My H's biggest fear is that his ex will commit suicide one day, and SD will blame him.  That fear kept him paralyzed for years.  When we finally got primary custody of SD and got her into therapy, we realized that she NEEDED us protect HER.  She doesn't blame H for mom's behaviors, and she knows we will always be there to help her deal with the scary stuff.

You are doing the right thing right now by questioning whether to let your son go back to his mom's.