Recycling and Blurry Boundaries

[mongazish]

Would like any insight or other people's experience with this kind of thing.

My exgf (diagnosed bipolar, has most if not all bpd traits as well) and I separated back in October, so It's been about 8 months. I never really committed to no contact. We would text each other sometimes and then go a week or two or some days without talking. Sometimes she would leave my messages on "read" for days and other times she would be really quick to respond. Sometimes I wouldn't get back to her for days. I was trying to push myself to find a balance of not cutting her off but also not staying attached. After about 5 months we decided to meet up. We hangout all day and kiss goodbye and it feels good. It felt like we were able to be informal and have fun without getting caught up in each other. Over the next couple months we do this two more times. One time I ended up sleeping over in bed with her. (she had picked me up and said she was too tired to drive.) It felt good to be physical and have fun while still feeling the freedom to go on our own way afterwards.

This latest time however. I went to her house in late March (she lives with her dad by the way.) While I was there, I was told by my parents (I am currently living with them) that my sick and very old grandmother moved in with us for the time being. So I felt very resistant to going home because of all the COVID19 stuff. I didn't want to risk bringing it back there and killing my grandmother. My ex's dad told me I could stay there for a little because he understood the situation and knew it wasn't safe for me to go home. At first it was fine, I think because there was no pressure, and we all knew it was a weird temporary thing. There was no real negativity. We had a good time together and she joked about how she was glad I was her quarantine buddy. It all felt fresh and unattached similar to the beginning of the relationship but not quite. I was weary to not let it fizzle into anything. We were pretty sexual with each other again and just generally  having a good time. After a while I started to realize that at some point I would have to leave. I ended up staying there for almost two months, and by the end of it, things were pretty dull and negative and she was definitely sick of me being there. I wasn't really trying to move my life forward at all because I was essentially just waiting to go home. And I think that lack of direction was bothering her a lot and even her dad to an extent. I ended up leaving in May. Since I've been gone we have talked a few times and it has been very friendly. But I can't help but feel that she talks to me only when she has nothing going on and just needs the connection.

After the smoke cleared and I have been away for a while I realize this is probably the kind of thing people are talking about when they say "relationship recycles". I don't put it on her at all. It was a very weird situation. And it definitely doesn't feel like I am starting again from scratch after a breakup, but it has left me feeling still that I am giving more energy to her than she is to me. I am down to communicate with her most of the time, and it feels like she communicates with me when she is lonely.

Sorry didn't mean this to be so long. But hopefully if you are a part of this site you understand that these things are full of nuance. Thanks for reading, any words are appreciated.

[FindingMe2011]

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

Here is an article that may shed some light. I was raised by PWBPD traits. For self preservation i believe, I had/have narcissistic tendencies. Its a very interesting process which is repeated millions of times. The borderline and narcissist both take a big hit, there are no winners, and the results are always the same. Peace

[mongazish]

Thank you for sharing this. I had read it a while ago, but it was super helpful to read it again. It's fascinating how our capacity to take in and really understand information changes based on what situations we are in.

[once removed]

Sometimes she would leave my messages on "read" for days and other times she would be really quick to respond. Sometimes I wouldn't get back to her for days. I was trying to push myself to find a balance of not cutting her off but also not staying attached.
...
And it definitely doesn't feel like I am starting again from scratch after a breakup, but it has left me feeling still that I am giving more energy to her than she is to me. I am down to communicate with her most of the time, and it feels like she communicates with me when she is lonely.

you may both be trying to walk the same line. attached, but not too attached. that seems like an unsatisfying recipe for one or both of you.

why not post on the Bettering board, come up with a game plan, get some help navigating? 

[mongazish]

Thank you for the insight!