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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: I think my ex had BPD  (Read 438 times)
SBBayArea

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
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« on: June 26, 2020, 02:13:55 AM »

I've come to the conclusion that my ex has borderline personality disorder. It explains all the projections onto me (which were incredibly unfair), the misinterpretation of the smallest things, the black and white thinking and the sudden split. I'm fairly certain she met someone else prior to or immediately after we broke up. It's been 6 months since we broke up and I'm just starting to heal from it. I lost her just before the COVID lockdown during which I lost my job and three of my old EMS colleagues to COVID. The relationship, above everything else that happened, was the most traumatic. The way it was dealt with, the stuff she said to me and accused of made me so utterly sad that I'm not sure I'll ever truly get over it. It'll lessen but this particular relationship ripped my heart out of my chest like none before. I think I cried every day for 3 months. I loved this girl with my entire heart and soul. The frustration and helplessness I felt when she said I had no empathy for her - which was antithetical to my entire being- was unbearably cruel. Even now, after what she said and how she treated me, I still want to help her because I want her to get better and have a happy life. I think about the movie, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - I wish I could go to a place and get my memories of her erased. It's just so incredibly hard to get over and I feel awful for others who have gone through this experience. Maybe if I had known what I was potentially dealing with, it might have made a difference- I would have told her I loved her more often and held her more - I would have done anything in the world for her.
« Last Edit: June 26, 2020, 02:28:15 AM by SBBayArea » Logged
Rev
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Relationship status: Divorced and now happily remarried.
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The surest way to fail is to never try.


« Reply #1 on: June 26, 2020, 07:10:20 AM »

I've come to the conclusion that my ex has borderline personality disorder. It explains all the projections onto me (which were incredibly unfair), the misinterpretation of the smallest things, the black and white thinking and the sudden split. I'm fairly certain she met someone else prior to or immediately after we broke up. It's been 6 months since we broke up and I'm just starting to heal from it. I lost her just before the COVID lockdown during which I lost my job and three of my old EMS colleagues to COVID. The relationship, above everything else that happened, was the most traumatic. The way it was dealt with, the stuff she said to me and accused of made me so utterly sad that I'm not sure I'll ever truly get over it. It'll lessen but this particular relationship ripped my heart out of my chest like none before. I think I cried every day for 3 months. I loved this girl with my entire heart and soul. The frustration and helplessness I felt when she said I had no empathy for her - which was antithetical to my entire being- was unbearably cruel. Even now, after what she said and how she treated me, I still want to help her because I want her to get better and have a happy life. I think about the movie, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - I wish I could go to a place and get my memories of her erased. It's just so incredibly hard to get over and I feel awful for others who have gone through this experience. Maybe if I had known what I was potentially dealing with, it might have made a difference- I would have told her I loved her more often and held her more - I would have done anything in the world for her.

Good morning my friend,

And welcome to the most wonderful of places. I am sorry that you are feeling what you are feeling - sounds raw - but I am really happy that you have found us here.

I am currently just past my first year. And I too would have done anything for her - and I too was on the receiving end of so much projection. Many of us have.

So much of what you write here I have written and I have read.  You are not alone in feeling like this. There is something very difficult about getting past these relationships - it does take work.

Here is a link that I found helpful.  There are also lots of great resources here that you could check out.

https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=dr+rumani+ruminiation&&view=detail&mid=1F8901418E33EB42E6FA1F8901418E33EB42E6FA&&FORM=VRDGAR&ru=%2Fvideos%2Fsearch%3Fq%3Ddr%2Brumani%2Bruminiation%26FORM%3DHDRSC3

How long have you been out of the relationship?  How long were you together? 

Reach out any time.  Be kind to yourself - or as I like to say - "If you are going to have a conversation with yourself, remember to be polite".

Ssly - no one deserves to be picked apart. You'll find your way, even if maybe right now it doesn't feel like it. 

Peace to you.

Stay safe.

Rev

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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #2 on: June 26, 2020, 09:30:19 AM »

Hey SBBay,  Welcome!  You have come to the right place. I agree with Rev

Excerpt
Be kind to yourself - or as I like to say - "If you are going to have a conversation with yourself, remember to be polite".
 

Now is the time to practice self-love and self-compassion.  Those w/BPD will say and do some incredibly hurtful things.  Your task is to disregard them.  I have a saying: "Poison is harmless if you don't ingest it"!  So don't internalize her unkind words.

The first step, I suggest, is by returning the focus to you and your needs.  Get back to being who you are at your core.  Listen to your gut feelings.  You get the
idea!

You wrote:

Excerpt
Maybe if I had known what I was potentially dealing with, it might have made a difference- I would have told her I loved her more often and held her more - I would have done anything in the world for her.

The reality is that it's doubtful that anything you did or didn't do would have changed the outcome.  Just the way it is with BPD.

LuckyJim

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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
SBBayArea

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Relationship status: Broken up
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« Reply #3 on: June 26, 2020, 02:05:23 PM »

Thank you both. It brings tears to my eyes just reading these responses. We were together for 8 months and the anniversary when we met is July 6th so that'll be a tough day for me. It's been 6 months since we broke up - this is on Valentines Day right before the SF lockdown took place so I've been alone since. She wanted to keep in contact with me but it was all fluff conversation (everything has been through text - not even phone conversation). As soon as I asked her "What happened to us? Why do you see me this way?" she couldn't deal with it - became defensive and shut down the conversation. I blocked her number and have been no contact for a month. I drafted an automatic email to be sent to her in the event she emails me again. I was very careful writing it -it's very loving. I don't blame her for anything - it just says that I understand what the projections were about, I understand now that you're scared of being alone, ect. I want to send it to her directly but I think she's been seeing someone and don't want to feel any negative blowback if it backfires - let me know what you think about me sending it. I have nothing to loose but am afraid it might rip my wounds open gain. The sad thing is I know she cared about me - she said I was an incredible person and she wanted us to check in with each other but again whatever we talk about is surface conversation. The strange thing is how I saw her seemingly regress into a younger child when we broke up - she's 28 and probably the most insecure person I've ever met. Talked about almost committing suicide right before we broke up. Still, I don't want her to suffer - my brain knows to put it in the past but my heart wants her to be well.
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #4 on: June 26, 2020, 02:31:53 PM »

Hey SB, Your feelings are normal.  I suggest you sit with your feelings and just observe before you act on them.  I will, however, caution you that reaching out will  give her a lot of power over you.  If she ignores your message, you'll feel slighted.  If she responds in harsh fashion, it could be painful.  My sense is that it's too soon, but you know what is best for you.  Plenty of us, including me, have recycled, so I know the territory.

LJ
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
SBBayArea

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« Reply #5 on: June 26, 2020, 02:43:17 PM »

Thank you, LJ. Your words mean a lot.
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Rev
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The surest way to fail is to never try.


« Reply #6 on: June 27, 2020, 08:45:21 AM »

Thank you, LJ. Your words mean a lot.

LJ is right - if your head is in one place and your heart is in another - not only normal but part of the healing process - some extra time away might not be a bad thing.

Think about it like coming back from an injury - like a torn muscle.  The muscle needs to heal but that is not the end of it. Your tendons and ligaments need to realign and work properly again - otherwise you reinjure yourself. Do that too many times and there is a risk that the injury becomes chronic. 

Hope that image makes sense.

Rev
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SBBayArea

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« Reply #7 on: June 27, 2020, 02:01:39 PM »

That makes a lot of sense. Even identifying that BPD could be the cause of this helps to put everything in context. It explains so much. There were things that happened during our relationship that were so confusing to me- things I was accused of doing that no past girlfriend or friend for that matter had ever accused me of before. I knew it had to do with her past trauma but beyond that, no idea. Her mother suffered from BPD or bipolar - I can't remember which but it pointed me in this direction.
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Turkish
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« Reply #8 on: July 07, 2020, 12:38:17 AM »

"Past results are no guarantee of future returns" is the CYA rule in finance, but in dysfunctional families it seems to be the rule more than not. 

I was accused of a lot of things, and even impugned my character as she cheated on me.  Those close to me, who had known me well for decades,  were aghast and angry when I finally told them about it things I'd kept hidden.

Your profession is that of a Rescuer. Do you think your character traits affected how you dealt with the more cruel behaviors? How are you doing?
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brighter future
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« Reply #9 on: July 07, 2020, 07:33:20 AM »

Hello SB, first and foremost I am sorry about the loss of your relationship. I had the same thing happened to me almost 3 months ago. I was with her for almost two years. During that time, there was lots of up and down behavior on her part emotionally. She desperately wanted marriage, but I couldn't commit fully until she faced her problems and dealt with them. Long story short, she was unwilling to wait (or get help) and abruptly left me.

When you said you watched your ex "regress into a younger child when we broke up" that hit really close to home for me. Two weeks after we broke up, she went back to her rebound guy. She saw this guy shortly after leaving and filing from divorce from her ex-husband, then  left him to start seeing me a short time later two years ago after a 5-6 week friends with benefits fling. During the first couple of months of dating me, she described the relationship with this guy to me saying that it was unhealthy for both of them and that she needed to get out of it. This guy is actually the identical twin brother to her high school sweetheart. Then she proceeded to tell me that he was one of 4 guys from high school that started contacting after they found out she left her husband, and all four guys asked her to do things that she felt uncomfortable with.

I keep in touch with some of her family members and a mutual friend. They have been very supportive of me.  One of them told me that she told them she was contacted by several male high school friends after she announced she was single after our breakup. They  said my ex was giggling about it like she was proud of this (keep in mind that she's 35). Then she proceeded to tell them how she was seeing one of those guys (the rebound guy), which is the identical twin brother of the high school sweetheart. She explained to her how he'd just gotten out of rehab less than a year ago and "finally got his driver's license back and had a car and a job again". The friend said she got the distinct impression that my ex g/f had gone back to her high school days in her mind and was proud that she's had both of the twin brothers.  It's all just very bizarre behavior and so unhealthy. My ex-g/f can be very impulsive, and she seems to be very impulsive when she's with this guy (he must be impulsive too due to his addictive personality). She said she loved being with me because I helped "keep her sane, made her feel safe, and calmed her down." She actually called me "her Xanax".  I guess what I gave her could only calm her down for only so long before she got destructive again.

Ironically, my ex-wife who is also BPD used to do things like this but she didn't act out sexually with other men like my ex-g/f. She's now in her late 30's.  When she was in her early 30's, she went through this phase where she started talking and acting like a teenager again. She also started dressing like a teenager and shopping at stores like Forever 21. Now she's 38 years old and is out of that phase and is actually dressing very frumpy.


Hang in there and take care of yourself. You will get through this.
« Last Edit: July 07, 2020, 07:44:00 AM by brighter future » Logged
SBBayArea

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« Reply #10 on: July 07, 2020, 03:56:33 PM »

Hi Turkish and Brighter Future,
  I'm doing better, thank you both kindly for asking. First, I'm sorry you both had to go through this experience. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. It's horrible and unfair and cruel and nobody on this board deserves any of it. I think I got a strong sense of this when I began to loose colleagues in NYC from COVID and she just had no way of empathizing with me on any level. The most she could muster was send me articles about how bad the situation there was. That to me was an extraordinarily child-like response - just no sense of what was going on in any way.

Re: rescuer, I was a paramedic for a long time and was conditioned to put up with a lot. It  allowed me to see humanity in the most desperate situations so I'm accustomed to seeing a lot of "gray" in the world as opposed to the BPD "black and white" thinking. It also gave me a high threshold for dealing with BS so when she would throw tantrums, I was strong enough to leave the situation but compassionate enough to understand that she was overrun by her emotions.

Yes, the reversion back to a child-like state was bizarre. I also kind of got it in a way, though because I knew she had been through some trauma. I didn't realize this was BPD but it made sense to me and clued me in that there were more serious problems underneath. Brighter Future - again I'm sorry you had to go through all of this - it's FUBAR and not something anyone deserves to deal with- especially the people who care and love people with this disorder.

I still have episodes where I cry about things every once in a while but then it passes. I adopted a dog which has helped me tremendously. The silver lining of all of this is that it's forced me to focus on myself which I haven't done in a while. I've come to realize that both of us were operating in two seperate realities. It doesn't make sense for me to expect that she'd  have remorse or understand her role in any of this because she lacks the receptor site for that in her brain. It's like kicking a chair in anger and then apologizing to it afterwards.

There's a woman on Quora named Jen Snow who responded to this ? :
"How do I stop being depressed about a BPD ex?"

Her answer:

"Please know that it was not your fault, and that without her own self-awareness, she is doomed to repeat these behaviors and increase the suffering. You can possibly make peace when you recognize that you have no control over her development or understanding.

When you see her being kind to people, please understand that this is genuine, as was her maddening interest in you, while it lasted. They are not ego threats to her, so she is being her true self. At the beginning of your relationship, she was not threatened by you, either. As she became closer to you, you became threatening, and as someone who has seen certain sides of her and would like her to take accountability, you remain threatening.

She is not necessarily a bad person, but will continue to have bad behaviors and a dysfunctional relationship with the world until she is ready to face it and do the necessary deep work to alter it. If that moment comes, she will also face how she treated you, in her way.

Let her go, because it's a fatal attraction until some deep change in perspective occurs. Let her insults go; she did not mean them. Take pity on her; she does not have any idea that she's loved and is in constant pain and turmoil. She will keep meeting people she initially believes to be the answer to her pain who ultimately contribute to her pain, facing the same lessons over and over until she finally learns them.

Her actions towards you were not personal."

 


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