Ex contacted me today

[RomanticFool]

I got the following message from my ex lover today

Hi, hope you are coping okay in recent weird times. Thought I’d reach out and hope all well...

I have given up pathologising her in recent months, choosing to focus on my recovery from suicidal ideation. I have been seeing a therapist, attending AA meetings via zoom and have freed myself from any emotional entanglements for six weeks. Despite the loneliness, I have been sleeping well and my mind has been calm. This has now thrown me into confusion. I honestly never thought I’d hear from her again. She cycled past me three weeks ago and barely gave me a glance. Why now? Is  this a classic recycle attempt? H oovering? What should I do?

[grumpydonut]

Definitely sounds like it.

Mine tried to add me via a fake FB profile about a month ago, a few weeks after I found out she had replaced me with the person she cheated on me with 9 months earlier.

I'm a newbie but, based on what I've read this far, this is typical BPD.

Remember, she isn't contacting necessarily because she cares about you. It's about filling a perceived need of hers. Maybe it's guilt. Maybe she's looking for validation. Maybe she's lonely.

[hmf2234]

Its just another attempt by her to see if she still has you wrapped around her finger and keep you around as a possible option for the future. It's all about her and she could care less about how you are doing, its just a way for her to get your attention and start some sort of dialogue between you two again.

My ex used to try to reach out to me for 6 months straight last year, all the way up to new years. Several times a month, I simply ignored all her attempts. Once 2020 came around I think she finally got the idea, either that or she was pre occupied being pregnant with her new supply.

Either way, roughly 6 months after new years I see another incoming call from her, which is now about 1 full year since we last spoke on the phone... and guess what, I ignored her ass again. At this point she already gave birth. I dont see why she feels the need to call me after not speaking for a full year, especially after she just had a kid. Nope, not picking up. Sorry.

As much as it sucks, that chapter of your life is over, ignore all future attempts. Dont become her supply again.

[zachira]

It sounds like she is reaching out for narcissistic supply. Somehow that makes her feel poweful and in control if what she does still affects you. I would delete all her messages before reading them.

[RomanticFool]

Thank you all for your messages.Unfortunately I’ve only just seen them or I’d have listened to the advice. I waited 24 hours and thought about whether or not to reply. I decided I would use it as an opportunity to discuss the way the relationship ended. I sent her a long text telling her how hurt I was at her demonisation of me and the abrupt discard. I then went on to say that she knew I had broken up from my wife six months ago and that my father died in February, why is she only contacting me now. She replied weirdly that she was sorry that she hadn’t received my message asking her to be there for me (not that she was sorry for her behaviour or the discard). I replied that I hadn’t sent a message asking her to be there as she had already disappeared and discarded me. I said the fact that she had me blocked for a year meant she wouldn’t have received any message that I sent anyway. She then said that we’ve all been through a hard time due to COVID and that she herself had suffered. I reminded her that my hard time started way before COVID and was because she had been abusive and nasty to me and had told me that she’d moved on. She said she was sorry that I felt that way and only wished me well. She said she had a totally different view of our relationship. I said “ I’m sure you do have a totally different view which was based on being heartless and abusive and finally throwing me away. I consider all those times you called me a narcissist nothing but projection.“ She immediately blocked me again. I then sent her two long emails which I’m not sure she received asking her whether she got some kind of self esteem from knowing I still care about her. I told her that I was not ashamed that I still loved her. I told her that I know the situation was complicated because I was married at the time but that I had always assured her that my marriage would end and we would be together. When my marriage had ended she was already gone. I told her that really now all of this is irrelevant anyway and what I am angry about (having had a year to reflect)is the way she demonised me and the lack of empathy she displayed towards me even when we were together. I told her that discarding me and blocking me for a year is one thing, but now coming back into my life as if nothing bad ever happened between us was intolerable.

I have had a year to reflect on the situation with this woman. The fact I was married complicated the situation. I was also reactive to her volatility and it made for a volatile situation. However, on a daily basis she called me a liar and a narcissist. She physically attacked me several times and often shouted at me both in the street and in her own house, when the neighbours complained she blamed me. Finally she moved on in a brutal fashion and blocked me. At the first sign of me challenging her behaviour on this attempted recycle she blocked me again. Of course she hasn’t answered the emails. For all I know she has me blocked there too.  

I am at a stage where I can see my part in the break down of the relationship. However, she asked me for 11 months to leave my marriage. When it finally happened she was nowhere to be seen and was no longer interested in me. She seemed to get enjoyment from behaving outrageously towards me and hasn’t sent one word of empathy over this past year regarding my bereavement or marriage break up. This woman doesn’t care about me and probably never did. It was all about what I could do for her. In my view she is either borderline or a narcissist - either way, I can now see the relationship would never have been stable. She was abusive and my reactivity to that abuse escalated the toxicity and volatility. I am well out of this relationship but I daresay she will try to contact me again at some time in the future unless I block her. My aim in sending the emails is to let her know that I know my replies make her feel empowered but I don’t care, I won’t pretend or rewrite history, I will speak my truth and she will do what she always does, not reply and abandon me. Except the pain is getting less and less and as I told her, eventually I will move on and love somebody else once I’m healed. She is destined to carry on repeating the same abusive behaviour.

My part is that I got involved with her when I was married. I did not react well to her volatility and when she hit me the first time I should have walked away. My own co-dependency meant that I couldn’t walk away when I should have. I wasn’t there for her when she was struggling in early recovery (we are both in AA) because I had to go home instead of staying with her. I can see that being married triggered her insecurities and abandonment issues and lead her to turn on me and behave the way she did because I wasn’t the person she wanted me to be. I understand all of that and I take responsibility for that. However, None of that is an excuse for the physical aggression and verbal and emotional abuse she visited upon me. Despite the difficulties in the relationship, I always told her I loved her and even at the end when she was being vile to me, I told her I would do anything for her (and if I was that bad why did she come on an all expenses paid holiday with me?) what I got back from her was contempt.
I can now see in hindsight that she never showed any empathy towards me. The minute I challenged her about anything she overreacted and was often aggressive. With a year gone, that single fact shows me that this relationship could never have worked. As painful as it’s been, and I was suicidal not so long ago, I have probably saved myself many years of pain and further abuse by getting the hell out of there.

[once removed]

Hi, hope you are coping okay in recent weird times. Thought I’d reach out and hope all well...

Why now? Is  this a classic recycle attempt? What should I do?

it sounds like the classic "ex reaching out during quarantine".

if you google "exes reaching out", google will give you several searches before you even finish typing. it will also yield a million hits. check it out:

https://www.google.com/search?source=hp&ei=ENf8XobMELDv_Qaap7xo&q=exes+reaching+out+in+quarantine&oq=exes+reaching+out+&gs_lcp=CgZwc3ktYWIQARgAMgIIADICCAAyAggAMgIIADoFCAAQsQM6BQgAEIMBOgQIABAKOgYIABAWEB5QoghYjRpg1zVoAXAAeACAAZcBiAGlEJIBBDEuMTiYAQCgAQGqAQdnd3Mtd2l6&sclient=psy-ab

here are a few particular hits:

https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/2020/05/9789676/text-ex-coronavirus-quarantine

https://www.usatoday.com/story/life/2020/04/23/coronavirus-stop-texting-your-ex-its-not-good-idea/2996449001/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/close-encounters/202004/why-might-people-reach-out-their-exes-during-quarantine-0

Most of us have experienced the dreaded ex text. "Hi!" they message, as if it's a totally normal thing to do after weeks, months, or even years of prickly silence. "Just checking in!" In the past, they've used your birthday or a random holiday as an excuse.

Around one in five people have reached out to an ex while in quarantine, according to new research conducted by The Kinsey Institute. Nearly half of those people have reached out to multiple exes. (Before the pandemic, the phenomenon of an ex randomly popping up was also known as paperclipping.)

When asked about their motivations for reaching out, most people said they just wanted to check on their former partners, wrote Justin Lehmiller, PhD, lead author of the study: "Specifically, they usually wanted to ensure that their ex was safe and healthy, or to see how they were coping emotionally." A smaller number of ex texters admitted they were testing the waters for a potential hookup, or wanted to see if their ex was dating someone new.

Listen, we get it: Quarantine can be lonely and boring. Many people are experiencing coronavirus-related anxiety. That's the perfect combination of emotions to make people want to reach out more — to anyone, even an ex.

Lehmiller didn't look into how many ex texts garnered a response. But we've got to believe that at least some of them went unanswered. "I heard from four different 'dating prospects' who ghosted me within the last two years, wanting to know 'what’s up' and 'how my quarantine is going'," says Kim*, 31. "I thought to myself, 'They must be really bored,' and then blocked their numbers." A power move, for sure.
"I think the first thing to remember is just because you receive one of these texts doesn't mean you have any obligation to respond," says Moraya Seeger DeGeare, MA, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and the co-owner of BFF Therapy in Beacon, NY. "You can completely have a boundary here, and that might be the safest thing to do."
Ashley*, 36, has heard from two exes in the past couple of months. She ignored one, but responded to the other. "He hit me up over Instagram with 'Hope you are doing well with everything going on and Charlie [my dog] is hanging on too.' I responded because he was truly sweet man, and just seemed a little lost," Ashley said. "I also wasn’t super burned by him or the ending of our romance, so I knew I wouldn’t be putting myself at emotional risk."

RomanticFool, the first thing i would do is not read into this or search for a deeper meaning...thats not really knowable, and it has burned you in the past.

the second thing is that not only are you not obligated to respond, but the message itself does not obligate a response...it doesnt ask a question...it just says "hope youre doing well". think of it like a christmas card...we receive them, we look at them, we dont respond to them.

if you wish to respond, do so only if you are not "putting yourself at emotional risk" (if the message has triggered anxiety, you probably are). "Thank you for the well wishes, I am doing well and hope that you are too." is really all that is called for.

[RomanticFool]

Hi once removed,

What I’ve come to realise about myself is just the fact of hearing from her triggers me. I should have blocked her a long time ago on all media. I didn’t because I really wanted to hear from her. However, as I told her in the last email I sent, which actually has given me some measure of closure, is the only time I really want to hear from her is if she wants me again.

My ex wife even told me not to reply to her. She said the minute you respond she will block you again - and sure enough that is exactly what happened. That’s what’s so hard here - I always expect her to behave with some kind of understanding or empathy. I also knew full well that by using her text as an opportunity to tell her how hurt and angry I am, I would simply be inviting further rejection. All the advice I received was to block and ignore. With her I’ve never been able to do that. I waited 24 hours to reply because I’d left a message on here. I think the idea that I wouldn’t have replied is probably fanciful as I had an awful lot of things I wanted to say to her. Perhaps a year later she expected me to be less upset about the way it ended, but the way I felt about her that would be impossible.

I’m getting to know myself better. My emotional life is a huge problem for me and the anxiety and compulsion I feel at just hearing from her puts me at a huge emotional risk. I have never protected myself from her in this situation. Even now I haven’t blocked her on WhatsApp or the phone, as she has me. Nor have I blocked her on email (in reality you can’t block somebody completely on email as the message just go into spam) and I know why I don’t block her because deep down I’m hoping she’ll see the error of her ways and come back for me. However, even if that happened now, I’d never be able to not feel resentful at everything that has passed and so at least I know now that the relationship is over and there is no chance of it ever being rekindled. Perhaps somewhere in my mind I’m hoping we can be friends, but that is nothing more than a fantasy. I’d never be friends with anybody who has abused me. Even if I was able to, the first sign of her being selfish or difficult as a friend would result in me being angry at her. So I can see that it is impossible to ever have anything to do with her. I should block her and move on. Perhaps with help here I’ll be able to do that now.

[once removed]

Perhaps with help here I’ll be able to do that now.

we cant push the block button for you.

more importantly, we cant resolve your lingering feelings, resentments, affection, all of it...3 of the 4 people replying to you suggested that you block her...ten more telling you the same isnt going to make that happen.

i dont know that it would make that much difference if you did block her...detaching sometimes requires building some really high walls to give us the space to detach, like blocking, but at this point, the dilemma is far more about the conscious process of letting go and detaching than pushing "block".

[RomanticFool]

Yes, that’s true. I’m some way down the path of detachment. I find that I’m just as devastated as I was a year ago and had some very bleak thoughts on Monday, but a year later I recover quicker. I am still emotionally in a very vulnerable and risky place. It was not a good time to hear from her and her tendency to create an effect and then block me feels like guerilla warfare. I don’t know what she expects will happen. Perhaps testing the water is enough and when she discovers I’m still angry that is enough to make her want to distance herself again. While intellectually I understand it, with my off the charts emotional life and inability to regulate myself as far as she is concerned, I am far better off protecting myself and that’s why I feel I should block her. When I saw her cycle past me a few weeks ago, all of my desire and thwarted love came into play and I was left in agony again.

I have been having therapy and discussing it with my T has been immensely helpful. However, I still feel like a vulnerable little boy being abused by a powerful and malevolent force that makes me feel utterly powerless and emotionally desperate. Those feelings as pertaining to women that I am triggered by is where the work in my recovery lies. Why have I always been so deeply and darkly affected by relationships ending? Why do I always feel I can’t let people go? Given that’s how I am at the end of most of my relationships, the loss of one that I consider to be one of the great loves of my life is utterly intolerable and so painful that I struggle to cope. The pain this time has been so extreme I am frankly amazed I didn’t either drink or try to do away with myself. I have survived this break up by the skin of my teeth when really I should have walked away early on having seen such clear red flags in her behaviour.

[formflier]

RomanticFool

I'm really proud of you for working on yourself in therapy.  That's a big step! 

Many if not all of us here on these boards have an idea of the "person we want to become" (more emotionally resilient, more empathetic, better boundaries...etc etc) and our pathway to that goal is rarely a straight line.  Certainly hasn't been for me.

Setbacks happen.

Please be kind to yourself and talk this through with your therapist as soon as possible.  Hopefully your therapist can guide you through gaining insight into this.

Best,

FF

[RomanticFool]

Thanks FF,

I would have done it much sooner but it had been financially prohibitive for some time. I’ve been extremely lucky and my last romantic liaison partner took pity on me and recommended a therapist at her T’s office to take me on at a very reduced rate. It’s weird because the woman in question is no longer talking to me regularly.

It would be easy to look back at my love life and say ‘Boy what a mess, what a load of wreckage, what a disaster.’ - but it’s been the same issue plaguing me all this time. In essence it’s something I’ve spoken about for years in AA rooms; an inability to regulate my emotions in relationships and particularly when they end. Throw a damaged woman into the equation and It kicks into rejection/abandonment and a monumental assault on my romantic idealism. Looking at how this has come about is the work I am currently engaged in. I know somewhere down the line it has something to do with with my mother. I used to think it was due to not being nurtured properly that makes me form anxious attachments with women who trigger me - but there is also something to do with seeking unconditional love and then overly expressing myself emotionally as I watched my mother do over the years with my father and also us kids. I expect to be able to have ding dong arguments with people and they’ll stay with me at all costs. I guess these women in some way remind me of my mother, especially my most recent ex. She expressed the language of love at the beginning and even when she physically assaulted me I thought she would never leave me. It’s a victim mentality I have. It renders me unable to walk away because to me the pain of separation is far worse than the pain of staying. My ex was wonderful to be around when she was in a good frame of mind. Unfortunately she found the relationship too traumatic to continue with and became angry and punitive with me. I took her recent contact as evidence that she still wants me but that is clearly not the case. She may have just simply wanted to know how I’m doing. A simple text to her - an emotional disaster to me.

[Bhs]

Wow RF...just wow! The work you are doing is clearly apparent in  your ability to self-reflect.  I'm happy you are finding yourself and kudos to you for having the courage to dig down into this all and release yourself from being a victim.

You expressed many things I found to be true in myself. Still haven't worked through it all yet but I'm making progress in terms of letting people go.  I realized it can be really seductive to think you're the person important enough for someone to change their tune and "really" show love. For me that feeling made it seem as if I had some control again. Ergo...letting go of a person and the hope that you are good enough to "turn" that person is a little bit like losing control. I realized I had a few relationships that ended normally without drama - but those were the relationships that were solid and steady and didn't have the "I love you - I love you not" dynamic.  Oddly (or not) those were not the truest and most passionate relationships of my life. The really memorable (and painful) relationships are the ones that dive right down to the heart of the pain  you describe...feeling a lack of steady nurturing - feeling like you have to work every day to maintain the love someone feels for you - and basically (and this is key) feeling like people who are supposed to love you don't even really "see" you...they are responding to a version of you that is disconnected from reality.  That dynamic takes me straight back to a dark place where I feel completely vulnerable and helpless - and where it seems that the love and comfort someone else feels about me is less about me than about how the other person feels in a given moment.

And unfortunately, I've come to see or experience that dynamic as love when it's really a core wound I need to work through. Somehow we got it mixed up - control isn't staying and working to make someone love you again - control is realizing that you're fighting an impossible battle and it's time to walk away and realize it actually isn't about you.

I'm sure I'm not the only one on this board who is proud of you.