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Author Topic: Heart turned cold  (Read 593 times)
AskingWhy
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« on: June 29, 2020, 01:35:19 AM »

It has taken a long time (more than 20 years) for my husband to kill the love I felt for him.  His uBPD, favoring his children over me (not protecting me from their emotional abuse), and the long years of emotional and verbal abuse from him.

Last month, in a rage, H told me he would like to punch me but was afraid of losing his guns. (Yes, I have taken the MOSAID inventory and got a 7 out of 10.)  I think that was a turning point for me.  The man is clearly mentally ill.

In the past, H has called me names of the worst kind (the "B" word and "C" word but also some surprisingly inventive ones) broken and disregarded my property, frightened the pets and sent me into tears.  Some time ago, I came to learn something was terribly wrong, and that my H was mentally ill, and there was a name for it.  I slowly began to accept I was not the problem.  I could have the most accepting, loving W and doormat in the world, and I would have still been the target of my H's rage.  (In reality, he was projecting his rage for his adulterous X W and his uNPD F who emotionally abused his M for 60 years.)  I began to be less hurt and frightened, but more and more angry at the abuse.  This is part of the recovery process discussed by Lundy Bancroft in his books.

Now I sit back and take silent amusement in the chaos created by H and his children, who are all likely in the BPD or NPD spectrum.  The same for FIL.  They abuse and use people, devalued  and discard them, and generally make themselves and others miserable.  Each time I have ventured to offer good advice on a number of areas, I have the projected anger.  No thanks, instead hatred and abuse.

I am getting stronger.  I no longer offer empathy for the sick and twisted family I have married into. 
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« Reply #1 on: June 29, 2020, 05:03:19 AM »


How do you go about caring for and healing your feelings?

Best,

FF
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« Reply #2 on: June 29, 2020, 04:06:49 PM »

FF, as laughter is the best medicine, I secretly laugh at my H and his family when their cruel and thoughtless actions bite them back in the a$$.  They are in misery and I say nothing.  I am truly disengaged.
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« Reply #3 on: June 29, 2020, 04:22:36 PM »


Have you considered the possibility that laughing at others misery might negatively affect your outlook or otherwise be unhealthy for you?

Best,

FF
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AskingWhy
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« Reply #4 on: June 29, 2020, 06:55:09 PM »

FF, I have read Lundy Bancroft and see where I am in my moving forward.  

People reap the rewards of their own misdeeds.  If I find that justice has been served is amusing, so be it.  You have no idea of the H%ll these people have put me through, so stop being holier-than-thou.

After all, don't you cheer in a movie when the villain gets his comeuppance?   Same thing.

I am exercising, being healthy in my life choices (the best revenge, BTW), and indeed focusing on myself. There's a limit (to me, at least) to empathy.  

My husband's children take drugs and drink alcohol, eat themselves to obesity and you infer I should care?  I am over being a doormat.

Oh, and I have already said how mistreated I am even when I express concern and offer sound advice.

No more.
« Last Edit: June 29, 2020, 07:01:12 PM by AskingWhy » Logged
AskingWhy
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« Reply #5 on: June 29, 2020, 07:36:48 PM »

Stepparents and partners of significant others have long been marginalized for being outside the mainstream, intact nuclear family.  They have been patronized for wanting full partnership and asked tolerate all kinds of abuse from partners' children.  It's society's slap in the face.

So, yes, I am cheering the villain getting his comeuppance.
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« Reply #6 on: June 30, 2020, 11:01:48 AM »

OK, AskingWhy, we understand you’ve endured a lot of misery from your husband and his children.

Now what? Are you planning on leaving the marriage? What would be the pluses for doing so? What would be the minuses?

If you choose to stay married, how could you separate yourself emotionally from all that chaos?

Laughing at their misery is just another way of staying attached to the drama.
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« Reply #7 on: June 30, 2020, 09:06:35 PM »

Cat, I am not engaged in the drama.  I don't ask about it, nor offer comments or advice.

That is not being engaged.   When H offers up news on his F or children, I reply neutrally like, "Oh, that's nice/oh, that's a shame."  I no longer offer advice even if I know it might be beneficial.  No use in extending a friendly hand if you know it will be slapped.

I laugh to myself, again, as we do at villains in movies.  I don't agonize over it.  

I am staying married for a number of reasons, including financial.

Allowing myself to stay codependent and a doormat is mor healthy.
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« Reply #8 on: June 30, 2020, 09:48:48 PM »

It’s smart not to offer advice when you realize there’s a price to be paid for doing so.

What I’m concerned with is that you pursue things in life that bring you joy, rather than focus upon the karma your husband and his children encounter.
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« Reply #9 on: June 30, 2020, 10:07:13 PM »


Laughing at a villain in a movie is an escape, it's not real.  The movie lasts a couple hours and then it's back to real life.

I'm having a hard time imagining how laughing at/about your husband misfortune has a positive effect.

Best,

FF
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« Reply #10 on: July 01, 2020, 02:37:30 PM »


I'm having a hard time imagining how laughing at/about your husband misfortune has a positive effect.

Best,

FF

I agree. This level of contempt is not healthy for your marriage, your husband, or you.
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« Reply #11 on: July 01, 2020, 06:02:24 PM »

I can see both sides on this.

1.  It's best to focus on yourself and find things that give you joy rather than hold contempt or be on the lookout for the PD's downfall so you can laugh about it.  That's something I've had to get over after my divorce was final.  It's gotten easier over time to redirect myself from being frustrated about something my exPDw had done, to concentrating on something to make me happy, now that I have the space to live for myself.

2.  However, I can see where AskingWhy is coming from.  In my situation I am still connected to my exPDw because we have small kids together.  I do my best to be a good co-parent and communicate with her, because our kids deserve both parents doing their best.  It is usually met with silent treatment, selective miscommunication, smear campaigns and acting out.  I have been witness to her behavior backfiring on her, and she has been losing the trust of teachers and therapists.  I find over time that these professionals want to speak with me more than her.  Sometimes I have to chuckle about it to myself and shake my head, but it's not in a vindictive way.  None of it bothers me, I just sit on the sidelines and watch her make her own bed.  I actually feel sorry for her because she truly doesn't know how to treat people and act like an adult, but at the same time I've relinquished my caretaker role so all I can do is throw up my hands and let her interact with others how she will.

I think the key here is that when you're still connected to someone (for any reason) and have to witness the behavior, it's hard to completely disconnect and focus only on yourself.  Sometimes you have to laugh and wonder "Wow, why did they think that was the best way to handle that?"
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« Reply #12 on: July 02, 2020, 07:41:54 AM »

Defogging-

I think you have made a good point, however, I also think it's a process to move out of resentment. Resentment is self destructive and adds to destructive drama in relationships.

In your response, I see where you have moved past your resentments ( some, maybe we always feel a little, but you aren't in the middle of it)


 Sometimes I have to chuckle about it to myself and shake my head, but it's not in a vindictive way.  None of it bothers me, I just sit on the sidelines and watch her make her own bed. I actually feel sorry for her because she truly doesn't know how to treat people and act like an adult.


Yes, sometimes we do laugh at the absurdity of someone's behavior, but that is different from contempt, laughing at someone's misfortune, or cheering for it, such as at a villain in a movie. After the movie we go home and it's not really a part of daily life.


Reading AW's posts, I don't get the same sense of being past resentment. I think what I and the posters are trying to get at is that, the anger and resentment seen in the posts aren't good for AW and I am hoping she can work through that.



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« Reply #13 on: July 02, 2020, 08:06:50 AM »

the anger and resentment seen in the posts aren't good for AW and I am hoping she can work through that.


It's understandable that she is experiencing the resentment.  I think it's critical to acknowledge this.  It's equally important to point out that "it's not good for her".

Speaking for myself, I get the vibe that AW is "sinking deeper into resentment" instead of coming out of it.  (not just this post, I've been noticing this for a while)

My hope for AW is that she can find a way to turn her experience in this relationship around.

Best,

FF
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« Reply #14 on: July 02, 2020, 10:32:45 AM »

I think AW is aware that being resentful is not the healthy way to respond, but it's very hard to move past resentment when you're immersed in PD behavior.  When I was living with my exPDw, it was next to impossible to focus on myself and try to find some happiness.  The person creating the drama was right there in my face when I walked in the door.  Ready to remind me why I needed to be upset over the problems she was creating, and ready to escalate the drama if I didn't give her the reaction she needed.

I don't know what the answer is that will fix the situation, but I think it's more complex than acknowledging that feeling resentment isn't good for her.  I still feel angry sometimes when exPDw does something intentional that harms me or the kids, fortunately I now have the mental space to process it and remind myself why she acts this way.  Having that space allows the anger to quickly fade and then I can decide how to respond to the situation.

Feeling resentful when someone wrongs you is human nature, I don't see any way to get around that.  The difference in a PD relationship is being able to remind yourself that it's not really an attack on you, but rather them acting out in self defense for their own personal reasons.
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« Reply #15 on: July 02, 2020, 12:36:31 PM »

The difference in a PD relationship is being able to remind yourself that it's not really an attack on you, but rather them acting out in self defense for their own personal reasons.


I think this is important.

Here's the situation in general terms:

We can only act on ourselves for change, not the other person.
If we are feeling resentful- we have to decide what to do-
Accept that this is just the way it is, or make a change.

Since we can not change the other person- if we want a change in the situation, then we have to consider what it is that we can do-
There are several ways to do this- leave the situation, find a way to have an outlet for the resentment, counseling, or other possible solution.
Work on our part of the relationship. Yes, the person has a PD but sometimes if we are resentful we are acting in ways to increase the drama between us. Are there ways we can diminish this and feel more at peace ( as much as possible)

These are all choices. I guess the big question for AW is- do you want this to change or keep the status quo. The status quo is that you feel this is the best solution at the moment, feeling cold, angry and giving him a piece of his own behavior, enjoying the vindication.

Or deciding to try to make a change for something else?

This has nothing to do with benefitting your H. You don't have to like him, you can think he's a total jerk.


 It's to benefit you. But if the solution to managing this situation for you is laughing at his misfortunes, then that is a choice as well.
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AskingWhy
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« Reply #16 on: July 03, 2020, 03:43:13 AM »

Thank you all for reading.   I will not apologize for where I am now in my R/S. Maybe it's the sudden realization of just how mean my H is that's awakening me.  (Boiled frog phenomenon.) Again, Bancroft discusses this well.  I have no more empathy.  I see how his adult children are mean to him, how they use him, and how H projects his rage and shame onto me.

This evening H said something that did nothing to soften my heart.  One of the cats vomited on the carpet.  Horrible,  yes, but pets, like children, do horrid things.  He's comment was, "I will not be missing this when she goes."  (That is when the cat dies.)  I am glad I am not fretting too much about elderly FIL's failing health (serious health issues and uNPD) or his younger D's obesity and poor lifestyle nor the impending ASD diagnosis for her small child.   (They think the tyke is charmingly normal and there are so many red flags.)  I have tried, again, to help regarding one D's drug habit (she is likely BPD, too) and only got yelled at for it.  It was only after she landed in the hospital that H had to admit she had a drug problem.

Please just let me vent on this.   Virtual hug (click to insert in post)   I don't like thinking of my husband's joy when the cat dies.  (He has infant and toddler grandchildren who poop in the house on the floor, for that matter, and makes no issue.)
« Last Edit: July 03, 2020, 03:52:26 AM by AskingWhy » Logged
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« Reply #17 on: July 03, 2020, 07:39:25 AM »

AW, you don't need to apologize- if venting is what you wish, that's fine.

I don't think anyone here is blaming you for your feelings about your H and his behavior. It's understandable.



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« Reply #18 on: July 03, 2020, 08:58:06 AM »

Please don't detect a hint of "blame" from me.

Please take my comments in an  "and also" way.

I have no doubt that your observations are accurate and that it's understandable that you feel the way you do.  (100% true)

Please also realize that "laughing at" misfortune of your spouse is going to be corrosive to you.

Have I laughed at my wife and her extended family (if you remember my wife is "BPDlite")...yep.

For me, I found myself looking for more things to evaluate and laugh at.  Whereas as I "detached" from them I had less and less reactions at all (laughing, hating..whatever).  
.
Now I rarely "react" to BPDish stuff.  Usually when I do, upon reflection I realize it was because of me not being at my best.

Anyway...please don't take this as me saying "you are bad" for doing the laughing.  Please hear this as "worry" that FF sees lots of corrosive effects from the laughing (and other negative points of view).

Again.."and also" applies here.

Best,

FF
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« Reply #19 on: July 03, 2020, 10:38:51 AM »

AskingWhy, I think it's because many of us have been in your shoes, with a relationship so profoundly uncomfortable which feels so emotionally destructive, that we've been concerned that there is so little joy in your life and what gives you pleasure is laughing at others' misfortunes.

I understand, having done so myself with my ex-husband, but it was so finally freeing, when I got to a place where I didn't think about him at all.

That's not an option available to you because you are remaining in this marriage. So, how can we help you to find more happiness in your life, given the circumstances?
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« Reply #20 on: July 04, 2020, 12:22:39 PM »

Thank you all again.  

Having a SO who is BPD is agony many in "normal" R/Ss can't comprehend.  

One day I will "get" to that place of radical acceptance but not there yet.  

It's hard when your spouse is a pouty, bratty, self-absorbed person with the world view of a toddler or teenager.  

The best I can do is take a deep breath and count to ten. 
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« Reply #21 on: July 04, 2020, 12:53:38 PM »

Cat expresses what several of us feel... "Heart Turned Cold" as an ongoing condition is not something we would wish for you.

My husband lived with his uBPD/BPD then-wife for 19 years until she chose to move out. She did not ask for a divorce and continued to come and go as she pleased for another 14 years (until we reconnected and married). By that time, he was depressed, he was hypertensive, and he had several health conditions that were triggered and exacerbated by stress. It took several years of a good marriage, emotional healing, establishing a better relationship with his adult children (who had their own damage issues with their mother) healthy diet and exercise, and medication for him to heal in multiple ways. CPTSD was definitely an issue.

If you choose to stay in your marriage for now, what can you do to ensure your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health? It really is time to focus on you, rather than him.
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« Reply #22 on: July 04, 2020, 04:56:48 PM »



One day I will "get" to that place of radical acceptance but not there yet.  

 

Want to kick around some ideas about good first steps towards RA?

Best,

FF
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« Reply #23 on: July 05, 2020, 01:23:49 PM »

Right now disengagement and passive observation work for me.  I don't say anything to H or his family, even though there are red flags all over the place.  I only get their rage and abuse, or projected anger over the truth.

Right now I am still hurting a lot over his comment about the cat's death and how he looks forward to no cat vomit.  

I sit here now with a front row seat, with popcorn, waiting for the day G son gets his diagnosis of ASD or developmental delay.  Usually such things don't get diagnosed until age of three or so.  In the meantime, G son is 2 and yet babbles like he is much younger and parrots while his ignorant parents and my H gush about his so called "talking."
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« Reply #24 on: July 19, 2020, 06:37:36 AM »

AskingWhy, I think laughing to yourself at his problems is a step towards no longer caring.  Our usual response is to always drop everything in our lives for them.  To do whatever it takes to try and help them, calm them, support them.  I think the time is coming closer when you won't feel anything at all.  You won't even care about him or his miserable family.  You will reached that beautiful place where you are truly no longer invested.  I am getting there myself.  Slowly but surely.  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
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