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Author Topic: Fearing the worst  (Read 152 times)
Michla

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
What is your relationship status with them: Adult living independently
Posts: 3


« on: June 29, 2020, 07:52:12 AM »

I have followed this site for about 10 years, but never registered. It has been helpful to read other stories to know that I am not alone and others struggle with the same issues.

My adult daughter has uBPD. 10 years ago, while in college she became suicidal and was hospitalized multiple times. She was diagnosed with "anxiety", "depression", "schizophrenia". During her last hospitalization of about 10 years ago, she remained in-patient for almost 4 weeks and was still not well enough for me to care for on my own at home (I was recovering from a hospitalization for a nervous breakdown due to all of the stress of dealing with her). With the help of family members, namely my sister, we found a halfway house for her to live in. So she was discharged from the hospital into the halfway house.
After several weeks there, she got tired of all of the rules and restrictions and moved into my sister's house for awhile. From there she moved 400 miles away to live with her boyfriend.
At the time I and my sister where involved in therapy to help us deal with these issues with my daughter. It was in therapy that we learned what BPD was and realized my daughter has many of the characteristics.

Fast forward 10 years, I have done lots of reading about BPD and have familiarized myself with the techniques through books and workshops to help communicate with her and have maintained our relationship on a mostly amicable level. She is now married, has a masters degree and a 6 months old baby.

Her husband of four years has been through a lot with her but is now becoming worn down with her emotional outbursts and demands on their marriage and daily life. He wants a divorce.
This of course has sent her into a tail spin and she is talking suicide. I just don't know how to support her through this and what will happen to her baby!

Anyone else been through this? Any advice on where to go from here?

Always charting new territory!

Thanks, Michla
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
20yearsHRS
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
What is your relationship status with them: Father
Posts: 2


« Reply #1 on: June 29, 2020, 12:57:20 PM »

Does the Husband know about the Borderline?  Or has he become the punching bag without any knowledge of the disease?  With the master's degree it sounds like your daughter is a high functioning borderline.  If the divorce is happening (too late to go back), I'm not sure what I can say that will help.  If the divorce is not final, your daughter and her husband need to seek counseling together.  You probably already realize this.  He needs to understand the borderline.  But does your daughter have a borderline diagnosis and admit the problem?  Sorry maybe that is what uBPD means - un-diagnosed BPD?  I'm new to all these acronyms. 

My personal experience is diverse sadly.  My first wife went to the grave not admitting she had a problem.  Her family was just happy she found me - thus I became the punching bag.  I was headed down the road of divorce until a lawyer suggested I see if I could somehow live with it.  Sadly at the time I had never heard of BPD, and my daughter picked it up genetically and through learned behavior.  She now has the BPD diagnosis.  She got a double whammy when her mom died since she genetically was predisposed. 

The obvious thing is your daughter has to be diagnosed and has to want help.  Without the diagnosis we may be looking at something else besides BPD.  She has to understand she could raise her baby to also have this same problem if she does not seek help.  I am an eternal optimist thinking that if your daughter and her husband get help there is hope for them and your granddaughter.   
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wendydarling
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
What is your relationship status with them: Mother
Posts: 2608



« Reply #2 on: June 29, 2020, 03:08:40 PM »

Hello Michla  Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

Welcome friend Virtual hug (click to insert in post) You may have seen me on your travels posting since 2016.

I've not been through what you are going through now husband leaving, 6 month old child. Becoming new parents is challenging at the best of times. I have however been through crisis, and for me it was an opportunity to support my daughter to gently gain the help she needed.

Is your daughter reaching out to you for help?

WDx With affection (click to insert in post)
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Michla

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
What is your relationship status with them: Adult living independently
Posts: 3


« Reply #3 on: June 30, 2020, 09:46:07 AM »

 @20yearsHRS:  Virtual hug (click to insert in post) So sorry to hear of the loss of your wife, and that your daughter now has BPD. I do believe my ex-husband has BPD as well, so hence the genetic link and learned behavior are there for my daughter. I managed to stay with my ex-husband for 16 years, but didn’t know what I was dealing with at the time either. He remains in my children’s life to a small degree, and still manages to make them miserable.
My daughters husband does not know about the disease, since she does not have a diagnosis and yes he has become the punching bag. They have been able to agree to therapy, again, for which I am thankful. The therapy seems like it hasn’t helped and is abandoned by my daughter, just as the therapist is catching on to what is going on and suspects my daughter needs more help.
I have not successfully gotten my daughter to see that she has BPD, of course I am not the one to diagnose. She has agreed to seek individual therapy again, also, with a therapist who she thinks has been affective for her. Do you think I should privately talk to this therapist to communicate my concerns or do therapists not allow this? Or do I have to have my daughters permission to talk to her therapist? And does she have to know what I am going to say to the therapist?
I have expressed my concerns with her about what her daughter (my granddaughter) will absorb and the trauma she will have from all of this. She acknowledges my concerns.

 @wendydarling: Thank you for your kind words. Yes she reaches out to me often. I am her only support. She thanks me for talking with her and acknowledges to me that I help her to process her feelings, de-escalate her emotions, and problem solve with her. I am happy to help her and remain as a stabilizer for her. I does take its toll on me emotionally. She is now 31 years old and has been this way since the beginning of adolescence. I have a lot of experience. I currently do not see a therapist. but have had, and rely on that help to stabilize me now.
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Michla

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
What is your relationship status with them: Adult living independently
Posts: 3


« Reply #4 on: June 30, 2020, 10:54:54 AM »

)
 
Excerpt
So sorry to hear of the loss of your wife, and that your daughter now has BPD
. I do believe my ex-husband has BPD as well, so hence the genetic link and learned behavior are there for my daughter. I managed to stay with my ex-husband for 16 years, but didn’t know what I was dealing with at the time either. He remains in my children’s life to a small degree, and still manages to make them miserable.
My daughters husband does not know about the disease, since she does not have a diagnosis and yes he has become the punching bag. They have been able to agree to therapy, again, for which I am thankful. The therapy seems like it hasn’t helped and is abandoned by my daughter, just as the therapist is catching on to what is going on and suspects my daughter needs more help.
I have not successfully gotten my daughter to see that she has BPD, of course I am not the one to diagnose. She has agreed to seek individual therapy again, also, with a therapist who she thinks has been affective for her. Do you think I should privately talk to this therapist to communicate my concerns or do therapists not allow this? Or do I have to have my daughters permission to talk to her therapist? And does she have to know what I am going to say to the therapist?
I have expressed my concerns with her about what her daughter (my granddaughter) will absorb and the trauma she will have from all of this. She acknowledges my concerns.


Excerpt
Is your daughter reaching out to you for help?
Thank you for your kind words. Yes she reaches out to me often. I am her only support. She thanks me for talking with her and acknowledges to me that I help her to process her feelings, de-escalate her emotions, and problem solve with her. I am happy to help her and remain as a stabilizer for her. I does take its toll on me emotionally. She is now 31 years old and has been this way since the beginning of adolescence. I have a lot of experience. I currently do not see a therapist. but have had, and rely on that help to stabilize me now.
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wendydarling
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
What is your relationship status with them: Mother
Posts: 2608



« Reply #5 on: July 05, 2020, 07:37:55 PM »

Hi Michla

Excerpt
She has agreed to seek individual therapy again, also, with a therapist who she thinks has been affective for her.
This is good news, you say 'she has agreed' is she willing? Despite the challenges, you sound close your DD is grateful and thankful for your support means a lot.  She sounds quite insightful and responsive to you. Do you think she's looking for answers and would be open to a mental health assessment (if she's not had one recently) to ensure she's receiving the right treatment?

Excerpt
Do you think I should privately talk to this therapist to communicate my concerns or do therapists not allow this? Or do I have to have my daughters permission to talk to her therapist? And does she have to know what I am going to say to the therapist?
You can write to the therapist. Ethically a therapist should keep what you share in confidence, they may not act on the information you provide or agree with you, or they may agree with you and still not act, depends on how experienced they are with BPD in my opinion. Due to confidentiality it's unlikely they'll respond or engage without your DD's permission. What do you know about the therapist? Are you thinking DBT?

In what way is your SIL the punching bag? What's happening? BPD is broad as you know well and often co-morbid.

How are you coping? It's not easy Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

WDx






« Last Edit: July 05, 2020, 07:43:47 PM by wendydarling » Logged

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