Partner's son has BPD

[capucino]

My boyfriend and I have been living together for four years and he has a 25-year-old son with BPD. He's been living with us about a month now. He'd been living in the city that we had rented but the lease is over and he doesn't want to live there anymore. With COVID-19 around, we couldn't know what to do and we're actually happy he accepted to live with us for a while.He is a college graduate but currently doesn't have a job. Right now, our finances don't allow us to rent him a house, either. So for this while, we are saving for him.

One thing is he doesn't know his diagnosis. He's been on and off therapy and meds. He's been now off for more than a year, and he refuses any type of treatment. The last therapist and psychiatrist both diagnosed him but they didn't say the diagnosis directly to him. Instead, we called them and they told us the diagnosis and warned us to be careful about not to mention the diagnosis to him. They told us to join BPD help sites, read the books on BPD, and they told him he has bipolar. Hearing this from him, we called again and they said that BPD definitely exists and bipolar II could be a comorbid issue. I don't know why they hid the diagnosis but he quit before they were able to talk openly about it. Also, our therapists said it was not our place to relay the diagnosis on him, so we kept silent about it.

His father and I both are seeing therapists. I am a highly sensitive person with depressive disorder due to some life trauma I have to go through. I'm on antidepressants. We've read many books on BPD and bipolar.
The thing is there are so many ups and downs, and I am already damaged. I'm sensitive to high sounds and if someone yells I shiver, and get physically sick, and I have to work through it. His father and I have had two or three heated discussions but never had a loud fight for four years and we're happy.
My boyfriend went through some stuff, too and physically, he doesn't have healthy lungs. With the COVID, he is in a high-risk group and we cannot leave the house to have fun. We barely started going to the supermarkets with mask and gloves. We hate it but right now, we can't put him at risk. We are also working from home but we don't have established office hours. My boyfriend starts working sometimes at 7 am and finishes around 9 pm, or sometimes midnight. My schedule is not as rough as him but I don't have weekends to myself, either. We have to make money to support everyone.

We love his son, we love living together with him, too but we fight mostly about food. He also refuses to do his laundry, nor lets us to do it. He has a peculiar taste and doesn't like what I cook. I shop for him, I buy anything he wants, I am trying new recipes every day. I also cook some "emergency food" in case he doesn't like the food I cook but they're mostly frozen stuff. We said to him he can cook if he doesn't like my food and I said to him help me and he agreed but he doesn't. I know he's hurting, we always let him know we love him but his father is short-tempered, too and their fights make me literally sick. My boss lashed out on me because I was at a supermarket when I was supposed to be working. I didn't tell him that not to make him feel guilty. In the evening, he lashed at his father because he didn't like the food, he hadn't eaten any meals in three days and I didn't know how to cook. I know how much he must be hurting and how much he needs help. The fridge is stocked but I don't know what to cook anymore. His father said "You can cook whatever you want, the kitchen is yours" but he said it in an angry tone and the reply was "I'm leaving the house. You are garbage people without any vision or culture, anyway. Why should I listen to you". Both were shaking of anger. Then, some previous issues resurfaced and it got bigger. It is becoming very hard to believe that he hates himself for it when he is now on the phone with other people insulting us, how we are garbage people. What I write seem most on our side and how angelic we are. We are not, no one is but we're really really trying so hard. I feel hopeless for all of us. I haven't eaten for 24 hours because there has been a fight about food, and I don't know how he'll feel if I eat. I'm scared.
My therapist says we cannot convince him for therapy and meds, he has to make his decision for himself but none of us can live like this. I cannot spend any more time cooking food for which I will be insulted. He has a history of occasionally being violent but nothing big enough to be not swept under the rug. I was never that scared of someone and I'm confused. I can't be angry with his father, too because he's learnt and grown so much in these years. To be fair, I feel he's mostly right. His tone is occasionally not right. Both are really pushing their their weak spots when they fight. I no longer speak at home about anything other than daily chats because I don't know which word will trigger a fight.

What can we do? We are all tired. We all feel our home is not a home anymore. How can we take care of each other?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[incadove]

Oh, capucino, I can feel from this email how hard you are trying and how painful this situation is!

It sounds like you are doing all the right things, with therapy, and reading up on techniques and learning, and also supporting each other, and I really respect how much effort you are making!

I'm not sure if you want advice, or only to be heard, but if you would like it here is what I would say -
    - #1 take care of yourself first, and your relationship with your boyfriend!  You cannot help anyone if you do not feel whole.  Give yourself the support, alone time, or what you need to feel ok.  *definitely eat*!  It is *not* to his benefit to feel he is controlling you!  You should eat whenever you want to eat.

   - what helped me a lot was the concept of the 'dielectic' the actual books by Marsha Lineham.  Its possible to love someone, care for them, be worried for them AND be quite angry at them all at the same time.  that's ok - that's what radical acceptance is about - it just is.

   - even though he is hurting, he can still grow.  If you are kind, check in with him of what foods he might like, and make an effort to cook something every day, that is more than enough.  Beyond that a very friendly "let me know if there is something simple you'd like on hand to make.  we have x, x and x right now". is all that is needed.  He may get hungry but eventually he will figure out something to eat.  I like to also have gummy vitamins readily availble.

 - occasional positive surprises are nice, where you do not do it because of a feeling of obligation, but just whenever *you* want to, bring him a treat or something so he feels that you are feeling positively towards him

 - give yourself enough distance and support so you can feel positive towards him, if that is possible - he may sense your feelings.  if they are honestly positive, perhaps because you are no longer overloading yourself, and you are retreating to a safe space for yourself, then he may feel better.

 - the badmouthing is awful, isn't it?  If in a closer relationship maybe you can address it, but in this case maybe just ignore it?  it might help you feel better to say one line about it once, so he knows how you feel.

 - Is there any way to provide separate spaces for yourself and your boyfriend in the house?  he might feel isolated but also you need enough safe space to recover.

As hard as it sounds, try not to take what he does and says personally.  You are doing wonderfully, you are trying so hard to be kind to this other person in pain, and that is just all you can do.  What he does is up to him in the end.

And I would definitely press his therapists on when they are going to tell him, it is not fair of them to put this burden on you, it seems unprofessional of them to tell you and not him if he is an adult, I am not sure that is legal.

Best luck and hugs - 

[capucino]

Thank you very much! I read your response right away, I read it over and over again during these weeks but I felt too tired and beaten up to respond.

He left both the therapy and the meds a year ago to the best of our knowledge or maybe more, before he had a chance to hear about his diagnosis. So, there is noone to talk about when he will learn it. So, the question is if he will ever learn it. In "Stop Walking on Eggshells", we saw three points for not revealing the diagnosis and one of them made perfect sense.It says if the BPD knows, he can abuse the diagnosis to get away with his actions and get rid of his responsibilities. This fits him so much.

The thing is we learnt the diagnosis by asking. We directly asked "Does he have BPD" and they didn't refute it, nor did they went around it. The answer was a direct yes by both of them. Both were professors at an Ivy League university, so we decided to count on them for this but he withdrew himself from the therapy.

It's just been 1.5 months and there already were many times that I considered leaving my boyfriend with whom I had no problems over four years. Today, we were alone for a little time with my boyfriend and I had a chance to talk to him personally. I told him how tired I was, and I no longer know what to do. I'm being manipulated. He is not angry with me, he believes he is the victim and begs me to cook for him. I can normally say no but the begging make things hard. He has seen the begging work so he is exploiting that strategy now.

I was definitely looking for advice. I always am. The thing is what I read from the books are very vague to me. I understand the general guidelines but I can't figure out for each case. It's usually too late when I figure out what to say, if I can figure out at all.

[incadove]

Hi Capucino - my turn to apologize for the delay in response, I am not on here too often nowadays.  So nice of you to say you read it over a few times that makes me feel quite validated :-)

I hope you are doing all right during this period when you are stuck together!  I hear you that the general guidelines are all very well but specifics are needed!  The videos on this site have some examples I found helpful, have you found them?  Also Marsha Lineham published a workbook with more specifics.  The one book that everyone here refers to, the 'Eggshells' book, is actually one I have not read, but I've gone thru several others.  Learning helps it feel like a process of becoming better at something instead of a struggle with another person.  And that helps me the most I think, just deciding if I like how *I* am responding, and if not, changing myself only - its much more fruitful than trying to change somone else :-)

Tho often to be fair I felt like I was in a wrestling match.

If you can decide for yourself what your boundaries are and let the chips fall where they may, keeping your sense of humor and kindness and caring, I think you win :-)

Best of luck to you!

[livednlearned]

Hi capucino,

It sounds like a possibility that you moved out so maybe you're no longer working on this? I hope you're doing ok 

Let us know how you're doing when you get a chance -- these aren't just difficult relationships, they are the most difficult. I'm glad you reached out for support so you feel less alone.

I just wanted to say that my SD23 (step daughter) also had food/feed-me issues, although her BPD expresses more waif-like and her anger comes out in ways that are different from what you describe. 

Initially I was trying to demonstrate my love through cooking and food, and when SD23 didn't respond appropriately, I felt hurt and confused, then angry and resentful. When I changed what I was doing, there was manipulation on her part to try and return things to status quo.

It took support from friends here, books, and a good T to help me understand what she was doing, why she was doing it, but more importantly, what I could expect as we changed the status quo dynamic. Everything I've done has been slow increments with a lot of attention to detail, especially in what changes occur and how things are phrased. We have come a long way and are still working on our relationship.