Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
July 10, 2020, 09:06:51 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
Ambassadors: formflier, GaGrl, Ozzie101, Swimmy55, zachira
  Help!   Groups   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
How would a child understand?
Shame, a Powerful, Painful and Potentially Dangerous Emotion
Was Part of Your Childhood Deprived by Emotional Incest?
Have Your Parents Put You at Risk for Psychopathology
Resentment: Maybe She Was Doing the...
91
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: How to respond after BPD episode  (Read 118 times)
LookingToLearn
Fewer than 3 Posts
*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Confidential
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
What is your relationship status with them: living together
Posts: 2


« on: June 29, 2020, 05:58:18 PM »

My sister has been diagnosed with OCD and anxiety, but I think she might also have mild BPD based on some of the symptoms. Most of it is directed at my parents and it has definitely become worse since the quarantine. Furthermore, she is unable to go outside because her OCD makes this hard.

For the past 6 weeks, about once a week (on the weekends) she has been having intense anger episodes that are triggered by interactions with my parents. She usually storms upstairs to her room and shuts the door. One of us then goes to talk to her and she yells and cries until she is tired then she comes downstairs to have dinner and then goes to sleep. In the past we have left her alone in her room, but then she came back downstairs to continue yelling. It's as if the issue is not resolved until she gets to yell.

Last night she yelled a little and then went upstairs and cried. When she woke up, I tried to go in and ask if she wanted to talk. She screamed very loudly and told me and my mom to leave, and we left since the rest of us have work and meetings to call in to. She continued to cry for several hours afterwards. She has not left her room and I am not sure how to respond. Whenever we next interact, there will be yelling. Should I offer to talk in these situations, or should I leave her alone? It feels like there is no way to avoid the yelling.

thank you

Logged
zachira
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 1845


« Reply #1 on: June 30, 2020, 05:01:55 AM »

You are wondering how to respond to the intense moods of your sister. The behaviors you are describing could be BPD. It sounds like you are more of in a caretaker role with your sister, and I think you might benefit from reading some of the posts of members on our board for parents with a child with BPD. We want to welcome you to participate in this board as well, and I am sure there are other members that may have more experience that I do with this type of challenge with a sibling. You are a loving caring sibling. I think your sister could benefit from a thorough mental health evaluation with a mental health expert with expertise in BPD as there are many causes and different treatments for the types of behaviors you are describing. Not all mental health professionals are knowledgeable about BPD and qualified to treat it. What kind of treatment has been recommend for her so far by the professionals? Is there anything that is working to help her feel better? We are here to listen and support you. Do let us know how we can be the most helpful.
Logged

LookingToLearn
Fewer than 3 Posts
*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Confidential
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
What is your relationship status with them: living together
Posts: 2


« Reply #2 on: June 30, 2020, 09:56:11 AM »

Thank you for your response. Just having someone listen is very helpful.

She has not seen a therapist for too long in the past, and is not seeing one now. She has agreed to start therapy because even she can see that she is suffering and her actions are hurting others. This process is slow, but hopefully she gets into therapy soon.

Last night, my mom and I went into her room at separate times to try to speak to her, and she completely rejected us and screamed. She stayed in her room for the whole night and will probably continue to do so for another day or two. She used to trust me more than my parents and I was able to make her calm down and come outside. Now she is angry at me and my parents and I'm not sure how anyone can make her feel better.

I can see that she is suffering. I feel really bad for her, but at the same time I am very angry at her for the hurtful things she says and for all the screaming.

My next step is to get myself into therapy and hopefully get my parents into therapy as well. How can I resume normal communication with her? Should I text her and offer to speak when she is ready? She already made it clear that she is very angry and does not want to speak. I'm scared she will keep herself locked in her room for several days.
Logged
zachira
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 1845


« Reply #3 on: June 30, 2020, 12:09:28 PM »

The severe mood episodes your sister is having may cause her to harm herself. Can you contact a crisis hot line in your area for how to get your sister an immediate mental health evaluation? Having her lock herself in her room for several days, is scary indeed for you and for her. What do your parents think?
Logged

Harri
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Online Online

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 5945



« Reply #4 on: June 30, 2020, 01:29:59 PM »

Hi and welcome!  I am sorry for what brings you here but happy you found us. 

It sounds like you have a lot of responsibility for your sister.  Can you tell us more about yourself?  Have you always been a caretaker?  What is the age difference between you and your sister? 

Excerpt
It's as if the issue is not resolved until she gets to yell.
Yelling, raging, etc, can often act as a pressure valve for our loved ones.  The emotions build and build and finally are released, but in unhealthy ways.  Therapy, like DBT for example, can help a person learn to slow down, find better ways to think about issues and how to express emotions.  A lot of the communication tools and coping strategies offered here have components of DBT in them.  They can be quite helpful in terms of dealing with the situations you describe in your posts.

Excerpt
I can see that she is suffering. I feel really bad for her, but at the same time I am very angry at her for the hurtful things she says and for all the screaming.
It is okay to get angry even when you understand that she is hurting.  Words hurt and the tone and facial expressions that go along with them can just amplify the hurt.  I did find that understanding what was driving a lot of the words and behaviors of my mom helped quite a bit in terms of being able to distance myself emotionally and not take things personally as much.  That in turn helped me to focus better on how to respond rather than react and to manage my own emotional reactions.  It took time and practice though and things still hurt but to a lesser degree.  It is frustrating when the people we care about are hurting and lashing out at the people who care the most.

Excerpt
My next step is to get myself into therapy and hopefully get my parents into therapy as well. How can I resume normal communication with her? Should I text her and offer to speak when she is ready? She already made it clear that she is very angry and does not want to speak. I'm scared she will keep herself locked in her room for several days.
I would suggest giving her space to self soothe. Does she come out to eat and use the bathroom?  You might have an opportunity to say "hello" and see where that takes you.  If she yells, say "I can see you are still hurting and I am here to listen when you can talk about it" or something to that effect.  If she starts to yell again, back off.  Little can be accomplished in the middle of a big dysregulation.  In the meantime, talk with us, read some of the articles (I will link a couple below) and take care of yourself. 

A lot of us have gone to therapy to learn new ways to cope and to talk with someone who can help us process stuff and gain a new and healthier role in the family.

Is that something you can pursue on your own?

Again, Welcome
Logged


Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth. ~ Pema Chodron
Harri
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Online Online

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 5945



« Reply #5 on: June 30, 2020, 01:58:13 PM »

Ooops, I forgot the links!  ACK!  I am not sure which to offer right now until we know more about you and your sister so i will keep to more general links:

Family Skills for Families with a BPD Person ~ Alan Fruzzetti, PhD This video is excellent.

How to get the most out of this siteA list of links to several articles most members have found quite helpful.  There are a lot to sort through though so take it easy.  See which appeals the most to you and dig in when you can.

 Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
Logged


Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth. ~ Pema Chodron
once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 11024



« Reply #6 on: July 02, 2020, 01:11:21 AM »

Last night she yelled a little and then went upstairs and cried.

how to approach this may be a "case by case basis" sort of thing.

what happened? what was she angry about this time?

Excerpt
intense anger episodes that are triggered by interactions with my parents.

what sort of interactions are they having? where do things tend to go wrong?
Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2020?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2020 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
40days_in_desert
Ahquei3s
alphabeta
ArtistGuy70
AskingWhy
At Bay
Avanzando
Beneck
bigredneck
Bittlecat
Boll Weevil
calmboom
Cat Familiar
Chosen
Dnmtnbkr
drained1996
Eggshellsbroken
FaithHopeLove
Forgiveness
GaGrl
ggGreg
Gift to Myself
gotbushels
Harri
Imatter33
Jazzy48
jdc
jones54
Katrinalove
LLgreen
Longterm
loyalwife
lucidone
Manifest32f
MariannaR
Methuen
mgirl
Minttea
Mommydoc
Mutt
narcdaughter2
NorseWoman
Notgoneyet
oceanheart
oftentimes
Omega1
Only Human
PeacefulMom
pest947
podsnapG
ProudDad12
pursuingJoy
Radcliff
Raul
Recycle
Resiliant
Rev
Rosheger
SamwizeGamgee
Sandalwood
SCM
SerendipityChild
SES
Skip
StillStuck
Swimmy55
Teno
truthbeknown
Ventak
vinnie77
wavewatcher
wendydarling
whirlpoollife
Wicker Man
WindofChange
worn_out
WTL
zaqsert

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!