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Skills we were never taught
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A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
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Setting Boundaries
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Author Topic: New Roommate/Longtime Friend with BPD  (Read 52 times)
joanie24
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
What is your relationship status with them: Roommate/Longtime Friend
Posts: 1


« on: June 30, 2020, 02:24:37 PM »

Hi All-
I am really happy to be apart of a community.  Welcome new member (click to insert in post)  I discovered this community through the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells".

I have been friends with a women with BPD for around 11 years now. As of this March, we have been roommates and are both young adults. Our relationship as a whole has been rather tumultuous. It started in 8th grade with "girl drama",etc. and has changed quite a great deal. In high school we did a lot of the same extracurricular activities together and had a lot of the same friends, and became very close Senior year. I myself struggle with Depression and ADHD, and we were able to bond a lot on mental health struggles. There were fights and issues, but I always was desperate to resolve them, despite the fact she has done very malicious and vengeful things to others, including me. As the years go on, we have lived apart, both went to college, etc. but remained in close contact. She and I have visited each other and had generally good times. We both then moved back to our hometown years later + decided to live together.

 I find myself struggling to see the good qualities in my old friend now living with her. We do have good times but they are fleeting, plus I am finding she typically only talks about herself and her life and does not ask about mine. She lashes out at me at random times, accuses me of not contributing enough to the apartment, calls me horrible names, etc. But owes me a lot of money as she fails to pay bills like Wifi, electricity etc. She also owes me $150 from a trip we booked in January that she keeps making excuses and pushing off, saying she payed it through other means like buying me a random dinner, etc. I see she goes out with friends, buys tons of clothes, etc. I can't help but feel so angry and hurt. She makes me feel crazy. I clean the apartment diligently (mind you she does not at all, which I have asked her to do more), get the mail, wash our towels, buy cleaning supplies, am respectful of common spaces, etc. but somehow I am still a bad roommate. Her new problem with me this week is that I have burnt so much of HER candles in the common space of our apartment that I owe her money? Once I stated that I buy all the cleaning supplies and that she actually owes me money, she blew up and called me a horrible things. I then decided to leave the conversation, which resulted in a stream of rude and demeaning texts.

She had never stated the candle issue before and has even shown me candles she bought for us, which tells me its not about the candles. I don't know what I'm doing so wrong and I try so hard to tell myself its not about me. She constantly threatens to break the lease and it scares me. She has been silent and ignoring me since this last outburst (a week ago), and I feel so hurt and disrespected that I do not want to talk to her. I'm trying to think of the good times we have but they are so fleeting. I don't know what to do and I'm trapped in this lease till next May. I don't have the money or means to move out. I don't know if I should try to maintain the friendship I have left with her by starting a conversation to make amends or to just move on, preserving my energy by staying in my room, etc. I feel exhausted and I would love some ideas of how to handle this situation.
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This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

once removed
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 11024



« Reply #1 on: July 03, 2020, 02:47:03 AM »

Her new problem with me this week is that I have burnt so much of HER candles in the common space of our apartment that I owe her money? Once I stated that I buy all the cleaning supplies and that she actually owes me money, she blew up and called me a horrible things. I then decided to leave the conversation, which resulted in a stream of rude and demeaning texts.

She had never stated the candle issue before and has even shown me candles she bought for us, which tells me its not about the candles.

youre partly right. it is probably less about the candles, and more about feeling challenged, and on the spot.

i live with my mom, neither of us have bpd, and we occasionally butt heads on some of this stuff.

the solution is really sorting out the finances, the distribution of labor (who cleans what, and when). what that means really depends. if you can, in a time of calm, work to get on the same page, great.

working to get on the same page and sorting out the finances may involve letting go of what she owes you, and just figuring out how you want to go forward...roommates have to do this from time to time, its awkward, its unpleasant, but it can be doable. it also may mean not loaning her money.

at this point, it may be less about preserving the friendship, and more about how to navigate as roommates...as difficult as that may be, its possible that doing so could preserve the friendship. but i would be looking at this as a situation where its ideal to amicably get to the end of the lease.
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