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Author Topic: Struggling to help  (Read 417 times)
Reallovingviking

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Currently still together
Posts: 7


« on: July 02, 2020, 09:52:11 AM »

Hi everyone. I'm new and seeking advice. My partner has bpd and also the "black and white" thinking process.
We've been together for roughly a month but have known one another over 1 year if not a few months more.
Our relationship is loving and fun but the emotion outbursts or splitting is getting harder for me to deal with.
I'm loving and kind and treat her with love and respect but I'm struggling to help and I want to understand more. I love her and it's breaking my heart.
Anyone please help?, Or just discuss? Please
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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Harri
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« Reply #1 on: July 02, 2020, 02:45:12 PM »

Hello!

Excerpt
Our relationship is loving and fun but the emotion outbursts or splitting is getting harder for me to deal with.
Can you tell us a bit more?  What sort of outbursts are you seeing?  What is your biggest challenge in your relationship thus far?

As you read and post more, we will be better able to help.  In the meantime, sit back and read some threads.

Welcome
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  "What is to give light must endure burning." ~Viktor Frankl
Reallovingviking

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Currently still together
Posts: 7


« Reply #2 on: July 03, 2020, 10:48:19 AM »

Well I think it's over now. She got violent yesterday and ended up being arrested.
Normal outbursts would be about just something simple that was taken as a miscommunication and normally we'd manage to talk it through but she literally lost it yesterday and I went to her place to talk to her and reassure her but it didn't help.
I guess she's insecure about being abandoned which I wouldn't do, she's insecure our future, which no longer seems to be going to happen.
I did put my all in and got her mental health level upped by her GP. Got her on some meds to help with depression, she was having regular video councilling sessions, all was going well, we were really supportive of one another and then yesterday it just blew up.
Now I'm left heartbroken and lost and just don't know how to process it all.
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Harri
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« Reply #3 on: July 04, 2020, 06:09:30 PM »

Well, things changed fast didn't they?  I am very sorry to hear that she got violent.  How are you doing?  Are you the one who called the police?

Do you have an update on her situation?

Talk with us.  We can at the very least listen.

I hope to hear from you soon.
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  "What is to give light must endure burning." ~Viktor Frankl
Reallovingviking

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Currently still together
Posts: 7


« Reply #4 on: July 05, 2020, 05:40:45 PM »

It did change very fast, yes.
It was literally like a sledgehammer to the chest.
Unfortunately I did call the police, I was worried about her safety and her young daughters.
The more I read about bpd and the things that can go wrong and the more I read about having a relationship with someone with bpd, I made the decision to out my all in and try to help her.
We'd been getting closer and closer over the time we'd known one another and I was actually really proud that she was trying so hard.
But unfortunately she likes to drink a little, which doesn't mix well with her meds and she is also a weed smoker and an occasional cocaine user.
I knew the signs and knew i was going against my gut instinct but I couldn't help it.
I simply fell in love with her.

I'm now dealing with the huge pain of the breakup.

Please feel free to ask me about anything that you feel might be helpful.
And thank you for listening to me.
« Last Edit: July 07, 2020, 10:01:28 AM by Harri, Reason: edited name for confidentiality pursuant to guideline 1.15 » Logged
Reallovingviking

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Currently still together
Posts: 7


« Reply #5 on: July 06, 2020, 06:25:13 PM »

Hi there. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and reply to me.
I had to call the police, I pressed zero charges and made no statement. Just didn't know what else to do.
I wasn't even in her apartment, I'd left the area after talking to the police.
She must of kicked of though because she was arrested Infront of her 8yr old daughter and the police had to take her daughter to her dads.

In the whole time I'd known her, I'd tried so hard, I'd got her to read books on the subject, got her status level upped by her GP, sorted meds out for her, got her into counselling and also group therapy, which continued via video calls during lockdown.
I even found a couples therapist that specialises in bpd relationships.

But the more I read, research and watch videos, on the subject, the more I realise it just wasn't enough.
She wouldn't stop smoking weed, she wouldn't stop the occasional cocaine or the drinking.
She just seemed to not want to try to get through it.

Unfortunately although it was short, I did fall for her. I blamed myself initially but reaching out to people had made me see things very differently.
It's helping me to cope.
So thank you again for your kind words.
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Reallovingviking

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Currently still together
Posts: 7


« Reply #6 on: July 06, 2020, 06:26:14 PM »

Sorry, I didn't mean to sound rude.
I'm sorry that you also have had troubles.
Please I don't know much yet but I'm happy to listen.
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« Reply #7 on: July 14, 2020, 02:27:01 AM »

hi Reallovingviking,

are the two of you still broken up? any update?
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Reallovingviking

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Currently still together
Posts: 7


« Reply #8 on: July 14, 2020, 09:13:41 AM »

hi Reallovingviking,

are the two of you still broken up? any update?

Hi ya. Yes we're still broken up.
It's now at the stage where she's seemingly come out of what had set her off.
Now I'm getting the crying begging phone calls about saving us and then threats that she'll go out on dates with other people.
Also she's telling me she's watching me.
She's trying to dictate to me how I should be and she's lashing out still and also then telling me she loves me.

The past 2 weeks since break up, have been the hardest days I've been through for a while. I miss her company some days and also miss the physical connection we had but I can't continue to go around in this cycle.
It's really making me sad.
I feel I did everything I could of to help her but I truly believe it's turned toxic.
I'm hurting and want the pain to go away but I won't give up.
It's just unfortunate that I was blinded by what I felt was real love.
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« Reply #9 on: July 16, 2020, 03:06:38 AM »

tell us more.

what is she saying, apart from the threats?

are you responding? if so, how?

are you trying to walk away from this relationship or do you want to reconcile?
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Reallovingviking

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Currently still together
Posts: 7


« Reply #10 on: July 16, 2020, 12:36:32 PM »

It ranges from blaming me for everything that happened, to wanting to reconcile and try to make it work.
She lashes out at me, threatens me, stalks me, watches me, has me watched and followed.
She goes after anyone that I talk to in my social media, although she's totally blocked she has other people watching my social media, even though it's private.
Sometimes 17 + phone calls a day, nasty voicemails and then crying ones.

Even if I wanted to reconcile, it doesn't work
I've tried so hard to help her but it always ends up in the same vicious cycle.

In an ideal world, I'd like it to work but I just don't have the ability to cope with it.

She uses drugs and drinks on occasion, so she doesn't help herself at all somedays.

I'm at a loss for words but for my own future and sanity, I believe it's best if I just walk away.
I've tried to communicate things with her but she just doesn't listen.
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« Reply #11 on: July 17, 2020, 05:29:28 AM »

shes definitely riled up.

i know that it may feel counter-intuitive, but if you want to break away, or even if you want to reconcile down the road, it may be best to lay low for a while, go under the radar, so to speak. if social media is creating dust ups, i wouldnt post anything for a bit...let the drama die down.

what do you think?
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
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