Hi and welcome.
I am so sorry for all you are dealing with. It is devastating when a family member sees such a distorted version of reality and directs it towards us isn't it?
My husband said if she wants space, give it to her. When she's ready to talk, she will. I feel though that I need to make sure she knows we love them.
Yes, the instinct to reassure them of our love is strong and instinctive. The thing is, a lot of what seems instinctive does not work well with highly sensitive people or pwBPD (people with BPD). Trying to convince her that you care about and love her may actually be invalidating to her. A lot of us try to do what you are talking about here so do not worry about that. Learning news ways to interact and communicate takes time and practice and none of it is intuitive.
When she says she wants space, in whatever way she words it, it really is best to give it to her. There is not much you can say when someone is not ready to hear you and continuing to try can again be seen as invalidating.
She has made up so many stories and I'm not sure who all she has told that she was abused. My family is the most important part of my life. My husband said she knows that and he said she is blaming me for all her bad decisions because she is used to me "fixing" everything for her.
I understand this to an extent. The primary person in my life with BPD traits and other mental disorders was my mother and she did similar with me. Being blamed and talked about, especially being accused of being abusive is very hurtful. The thing I learned over time is that most people are wise enough to not believe it. The more we deny the worse it gets at least in my experience.
So, my question is...do I continue to try and reach out every so often sending an email and just saying something like "Thought about you today - just wanted you to know that we love you."
How often are you thinking of doing this? Some members here with adult kids with BPD have sent very occasional messages saying they are thinking of them etc. and it has been okay.
I feel like I get mixed messages from her - "f-off" and "I'm angry you went on vacation without us."
Well, she is giving you mixed messages, but they are probably quite reflective of her feelings when she says them.
pwBPD tend to be ruled by their emotions. Also, for them feelings = facts a lot of the times. It can be infuriating and quite hurtful when this happens. Unfortunately there is not much we can do to convince them otherwise when they are in the middle of an emotional dysregulation. We do have other tools that can help, like
Don't Be Invalidating to Others. We also focus a lot on self care and developing coping skills of our own to help us when things get difficult.
We have a list of articles that are quite helpful to people just starting out here.
How to get the most out of this siteI hope you post more as we have many parents who have been where you are now and have worked their way through to a better place for themselves.
Again,