Yes. It's like what others were talking about with a neutralizing question. And then sometimes, at a later date, we can actually seek resolution (BPDh and me.) But when it's a cornering question 'moment' I find its best to offer the 'acceptance of his perception' kind of validation.
I think it's fair to remind people on this thread that "neutralizing questions" have more or less effect based not only on the so-called quality of the question but also where the pwBPD lies on a spectrum. There is growing evidence (again) that people lie on a spectrum for pretty much everything - and that's why timing is so important when asking these types of questions - as you so correctly point out.
There are some people - unfortunately because it is very sad - for whom the spectrum is very wide as are the accompanying swings.
I say this - partly for myself because I am prone to the occasional shame spiral - because for some relationships even this has a limited shelf life. Eventually, people caught in relationships that teeter on abusive can inadvertently push them into that territory by enabling the mood swings. Some pwBPD are so far down the rabbit hole that without help, all they can relate to is feelings of anger, once the sugar of affirmation wears off.
So - as I read this thread - excellent as it is for its insights - I offer this simple clarification. Use strategies like this with caution. As my own T cautioned me - "Before you do anything Rev, if she refuses therapy, you need to ask yourself if she's even treatable at this point."
Really great to read this post.
Rev
