Friend w/BPD blocked me, other than his therapist and sister, I’m the only friend he has.

[bowedbirdie]

Hello. My friend was recently diagnosed with BPD after his therapist called the police because he was at risk of self harm. I’ve read books about the disorder, but I’m still quite new to it.
So I’ve noticed that whenever my friend withdraws, it’s usually because he’s in a really bad place mentally, and after each withdrawal episode he admits that he had thoughts of killing himself. This most recent episode was especially bad and I couldn’t get a hold of him for a couple of days so I told his sister (who is aware of his disorder and is supportive) about the possibility of self harm. Now he found out that I told his sister and he blocked me 
Those with similar experiences, did you eventually get into contact with them? I’m super worried about him. And other than his therapist and sister, I’m the only friend he has.

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[Pakichu]

I've been actually sort of dealing with the same situation except in my case my boyfriend blocked me from everywhere except for one place. According to me, it was not sth for which one should completely destroys one's 19 month old relationship but I guess it was big enough for him and I won't minimize his feelings saying it either. I texted him a couple of time but didn't get a reply even though he was online. It's been a week and I am totally lost too. I can't but hope that he will be back but at the same time, so far my research about this matter tells me that people with bpd shut them up for hours usually, not days. I'm familiar to that situation. So I feel like this time his damn serious about not being together again.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome.

That is concerning.  It is not uncommon for pwBPD (people with BPD) to withdraw when they are upset, though it is impossible to say how long it will last.  Our general advice is to give them space and wait for them to contact you. BTW, it is also not uncommon for the withdrawal to last for days or weeks, sometimes longer.

I know that does nothing to help with worry and any anxiety you may have though.  Will his sister keep you informed? 

[Domino]

Just to say I have experienced similar things. My girlfriend would regularly tell me she was going to kill herself and then block me, leaving me in a state of extreme panic for hours on end. Luckily to this day, she remains alive and I've learnt to stay a little calmer during these intervals - there's not much you can really do except let them know you're there when they return.

I too messaged a few of her very close friends that know about her metal health issues and asked them to reach out in the hope that, if she wouldn't lean on me, she might lean on them. Unfortunately this made the situation worse - she blocked them as well. Presumably the shame of having her mental health issues discussed without her involvement. I didn't feel great about this but it wasn't my intention.

So if it happens now (and I'm going through a prolonged period of it right now, she's blocked everyone in her life but me), I just let her know she has people there for her if she needs them and hope she reaches out in her own time. Unfortunately you can't force someone to open up if they don't want to.

[bowedbirdie]

Hi and welcome.

That is concerning.  It is not uncommon for pwBPD (people with BPD) to withdraw when they are upset, though it is impossible to say how long it will last.  Our general advice is to give them space and wait for them to contact you. BTW, it is also not uncommon for the withdrawal to last for days or weeks, sometimes longer.

I know that does nothing to help with worry and any anxiety you may have though.  Will his sister keep you informed? 




I don’t really know his sister so I’m not sure if she’ll keep me informed. But I did tell her that if I could be of any support she can contact me anytime and that I’d be happy to pass on my books about bpd to her. Now I’m just stuck second guessing myself and wondering if I actually did the right thing. Is it smart to hope that my friend would allow me back into his life, or is it hopeless?

[bowedbirdie]

Not anyone I’m related to, but I have a friend with bpd. He would use to ask me if we can be friends forever and I would assure him that I would always be there for him. But now I’m blocked on everything. It’s not the first time he has blocked me, but this is by far the worst. Prior to this he would say that I don’t care about him and that I would eventually give up on him, but now that I’m blocked I have no way of telling him that I care or be there to support him.

And just the other day, I received call from him and he hung up right away. I tried calling him back right away with no success of getting into contact with him. Is it normal to be confused by all of this? And should I just move on and accept that my friend has shut me out for good? Knowing that my friend has no other friend and is suffering on his own breaks my heart.

[Methuen]

Hi Bowedbirdie,

Your friend sounds like he is in an emotional dysregulation.  As long as he has not threatened to harm himself, it is probably best to let him "self-soothe".  By this we mean give him the space to sort out his problems on his own.  If he threatens suicide and has a plan, it is time to call the ambulance.

In my experience, when my uBPD mom was in a dysregulation, the more I tried to help her to feel better, the worse she treated me.  It could last a while.  Once she was "over it" (her intense emotional feelings), she pretended like nothing had ever happened.  She just moved on like everything was fine, and I was stuck with feeling all the effects of her emotional abuse.   I'm 58 now, and it took me 57 years to figure out it was best to let her sort herself out.

How old is your friend?  How long have you known him?  Does he have family nearby?  It sounds like he is diagnosed BPD?  Does he have any community or health care support, or a therapist?

now that I’m blocked I have no way of telling him that I care or be there to support him.

 Right.  This is his choice, so you can let him "own" that decision.  Let it be.  IMHO, the fact that you said you would be "friends" forever, is a big ask, and not one that most healthy adults would think of putting on another adult.  It's kind of a big yellow flag.  When he is ready to unblock you again, you can remind him you are still his friend, and there to support him, if you decide that is what you want to do.  Just keep the message very short and simple.  Don't explain, don't defend yourself, don't argue with him, and don't justify anything you said or did with regards to your friendship.  This is called JADEing, and works in reverse with pwBPD, because these things make them feel INvalidated, and leads to escalating drama.  Just be patient right now and wait him out.  You are only respecting his wish to not communicate currently.  It doesn't mean it will last forever.  Don't feel guilty.  Guilt is a trap with BPD's.  

Knowing that my friend has no other friend and is suffering on his own breaks my heart.

 Let him have his own feelings.  He needs to do that to grow as a person.  You can't fix his feelings for him.  You must understand that.  He needs to be able to self-soothe.

Lots and lots of resources on this site.  Hoping you have found them.  Look for "how to get the most out of this site", and "lessons" in the event you haven't yet found the resources.  There is a lot of other good stuff too, but that is a good place to start.

In the meantime, carry on with your own life and the things you enjoy doing.  Look after yourself.

[bowedbirdie]

Well actually the whole reason why he blocked me was because I told his sister (who’s supportive) that he might be at risk of harming himself. I thought that was the best route to take since I don’t know where he lives and can’t call 911 to go to his place. He said I overstepped my boundaries by doing that, but if I had just let him hurt himself, that would just prove that I don’t care. So it was a lose-lose situation for me.

And I am happy to be there to support him, but I also did caution him that I am not perfect and will make mistakes. And that I have my own boundaries and may need to take some time away from him when I’m not in the right mental space to support him.

And he has been formally diagnosed. He’s on a waiting list for a therapy program. He has his own therapist, but because of circumstances caused by the pandemic, it’s not an affordable option at the moment. What I’m concerned about is that there might not be anyone there to hold him accountable to continue with therapy. His sister is supportive, but she has her own family and can’t necessarily always be there. I know that he is still responsible for his own decisions, but that doesn’t really stop me from being concerned.

[Methuen]

 

the whole reason why he blocked me was because I told his sister (who’s supportive) that he might be at risk of harming himself. I thought that was the best route to take since I don’t know where he lives and can’t call 911 to go to his place.

Good for you.  You did the right thing, even if he didn't like it.  You are right about it being a lose-lose situation, at least for now.

I am happy to be there to support him, but I also did caution him that I am not perfect and will make mistakes. And that I have my own boundaries and may need to take some time away from him when I’m not in the right mental space to support him.

Again, good for you.

He’s on a waiting list for a therapy program.

This is good.  It means they will have his contact number.

I know that he is still responsible for his own decisions, but that doesn’t really stop me from being concerned.

It sounds like you have done everything you can think of, right?  It's ok to be concerned.  We get that here.  I know you are worried about your friend's well being, but how are YOU doing these days?  Are you able to enjoy life and carry on, and take care of yourself?

Another thought might be to could call a suicide hotline, and discuss your concerns with them.  Your situation is kind of unique because it sounds like there is a relationship there, but you don't have his contact information.  Is this by any chance an online relationship?  I'm thinking perhaps a suicide hotline would have people who are specifically trained in the area of self-harm not just for the individual who may be at risk of self-harming, but also for family and friends.  I'm not sure where you live, but I think every jurisdiction has a suicide hotline.  That might be something to think about if you are really in distress.  

Take care!

[bowedbirdie]

I’m still carrying on with my own life and spending time with friends and family who help me stay grounded. But it’s hard not to feel like this is all my fault. And this all happened right after he moved to his new place so I don’t know his new address. He used to have roommates who would be able to call if something were to happen. But now he’s on his own and that’s the part that’s a bit scary. But thank you for replying and your help. You have no idea how much I appreciate it.

[Methuen]

Birdie it really sounds like you have done and said all the right things.  You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders.  You should feel good about many things, including your honesty towards your friend, your "caring" enough to tell a family member, and your empathy towards a friend who has struggles.  You are also carrying on with your life and looking after yourself.  These things all say that you are a caring friend with a good head on your shoulders.

I’m still carrying on with my own life and spending time with friends and family who help me stay grounded. But it’s hard not to feel like this is all my fault.

Birdie, please believe that every one of us on this board has struggled with guilt and FOG (fear, obligation, guilt), and always feeling responsible for our pwBPD.  Part of learning about BPD and healing from unhealthy relationships, is recovering from the strong feelings you are talking about.  pwBPD have a way of making us feel responsible for them, and feeling their feelings for them.  Regardless of the history you have with this person, it can't be "all your fault".  He had a childhood, he has a whole history before you knew him, he has family, he's had a therapist, he has a doctor...and he's an adult who makes his own choices.  There is no way this is "all your fault".  Let that go my friend.  That is not your burden to carry.  What you can do is keep being his friend, even while he has blocked you.  When he decides to reach out or unblock you again, you can be there ready, and continue to show him you are his friend.  This consistency will demonstrate you have not given up on him.

What I’m concerned about is that there might not be anyone there to hold him accountable to continue with therapy.

I hear you on this, really I do, but realistically, therapy works best when the individual is ready for it and seeks it.

Also, check out these link about FOG to see if this fits:
https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog


When you next have contact with him, try using SET:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0;all

Take care

[once removed]

its hard to say. whats done is done, really.

any update?

[bowedbirdie]

 What you can do is keep being his friend, even while he has blocked you.  When he decides to reach out or unblock you again, you can be there ready, and continue to show him you are his friend.  This consistency will demonstrate you have not given up on him.
 

Thank you for all of your insight. I appreciate it so so much! I actually just picked up a book on how to stop being a caretaker for someone with bpd. Mental illness runs in my own family so I learned skills on how to take care of myself while taking care of others,  and therapy sessions has given me skills with regards to my own mental health. But that doesn’t change the fact that my friend’s words and behaviors didn’t hurt me. Now that I’ve had more time to reflect on this, I’m realizing that his emotional beatings has affected me more than I thought I did. Though unfortunate, I guess I can use this no contact situation to allow myself to heal emotionally and grieve over this potentially lost friendship.

[bowedbirdie]

its hard to say. whats done is done, really.

any update?

Unfortunately, no. Just one phone call where he hung up right away. Tried calling back, but no success

[once removed]

give him space.

i imagine that feels trite right now when all you want to do is make things right.

right or wrong, hes feeling that you invaded in his life, his privacy. he feels betrayed. more than that, he probably feels ashamed and embarrassed.

when things like this happen, a person really has to get to baseline on their own. reaching out will really only reinforce a need for space. actually giving him space, when he gets back to baseline, he may think to himself "i dont like what she did, but i realize she was trying to help".

[bowedbirdie]

@once removed

Yeah you’re right. And whether I like it or not, it’s really the only thing I can do. And I have to keep reminding myself that I’m dealing with someone who has a mental illness. When I get into conflict with my other friends, we may not talk for a few days but we resolve things fairly quickly. And I have to keep reminding myself that I can’t expect the same from this friend.

[once removed]

you have a difficult, and highly sensitive friend. i imagine its part of what has made the friendship worthwhile, part of while youre struggling now, and part of what youd rather have less of at the same time