What's the best way to get my ex back ? (part 2)

[Flightfar]

I don't think she's gone forever. I'm pretty sure that she has referred to you with all those things what she has done in social media. Clearly wants attention by any means. However, your relationship lasted 8 months and I don’t believe she has forgotten you.

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[RichardLover55]

I don't think she's gone forever. I'm pretty sure that she has referred to you with all those things what she has done in social media. Clearly wants attention by any means. However, your relationship lasted 8 months and I don’t believe she has forgotten you.

Now she's put as a cover image of fb a photo taken by me, in any case she's been gone for over a month and the last time she was very cold.

[Abazaba]

Well I can’t be sure - the problem with BPD is how unpredictable they can be - that’s what makes it so crazy from our end. One day, they do x and the next, they do y. I can only go off of my own personal experience which is that they usually come back anywhere between 2-6 months.

At the same time, I have heard of BPDs that never come back at all, although that is really rare. I know you want answers. I want them too! I totally get it. Unfortunately, it’s kind of an unknown and it’s sucks to be in this position playing the waiting game
 Hang in there. Try to stay busy with other friends and activities to keep yourself healthy.

[RichardLover55]

Well I can’t be sure - the problem with BPD is how unpredictable they can be - that’s what makes it so crazy from our end. One day, they do x and the next, they do y. I can only go off of my own personal experience which is that they usually come back anywhere between 2-6 months.

At the same time, I have heard of BPDs that never come back at all, although that is really rare. I know you want answers. I want them too! I totally get it. Unfortunately, it’s kind of an unknown and it’s sucks to be in this position playing the waiting game
 Hang in there. Try to stay busy with other friends and activities to keep yourself healthy.

I know she's had a lot of relationships before me, but apparently they've all blocked her. Actually, I don't even know how she actually behaves.

[RichardLover55]

Did I do well not to block her ? I left the channels open. It's not total contact, but in the end we don't text and we don't talk. I don't look at her social stories, but she looks at mine.

[Flightfar]

What did you mean when you said you don't know how she actually behaves?

[RichardLover55]

What did you mean when you said you don't know how she actually behaves?

I don't know what she's actually like at this point, since the person I trusted left me out of nowhere. Who knows what she really does, how she behaves when she is truly "self"."

[Flightfar]

I feel like looking at your social media stories she wants to know what you are doing and with whom. And it might drive her crazy when you don’t look at her stories. But it is better so, after all, she was the one who left you and she should be the one coming to you.

[Flightfar]

I know the feeling when you don’t know what your ex is actually doing. My worst fear is that my ex has acquired a new one to replace me.

[RichardLover55]

I feel like looking at your social media stories she wants to know what you are doing and with whom. And it might drive her crazy when you don’t look at her stories. But it is better so, after all, she was the one who left you and she should be the one coming to you.

That's what I hope, but she seems so proud... I don't know if she's ever going to look for me, of course considering we're going to have to see each other again, anything can happen. She said the passion between us was strong.

[RichardLover55]

I know the feeling when you don’t know what your ex is actually doing. My worst fear is that my ex has acquired a new one to replace me.

The same fear as mine, the other is that she's not coming back to me.

[Flightfar]

I think there is more hope in your case than in my case. I have not heard from my ex since June 19, he has blocked me, and he's not on social media and I am sure he hasn't stalked me. So no signs of anything.

But in your case, that all sounds like charming, like she would gradually split you white. But I’m not really familiar with these terms.

[RichardLover55]

I think there is more hope in your case than in my case. I have not heard from my ex since June 19, he has blocked me, and he's not on social media and I am sure he hasn't stalked me. So no signs of anything.

But in your case, that all sounds like charming, like she would gradually split you white. But I’m not really familiar with these terms.

I have not heard my ex gf since June 20 :/ !

[RichardLover55]

My fear is that she forgot about me, that she was looking for attention elsewhere.

[Flightfar]

In general, BPDs are very passionate. It's really addictive and feels like being on an emotional roller coaster.

[RichardLover55]

In general, BPDs are very passionate. It's really addictive and feels like being on an emotional roller coaster.

Its like a drug, but i really love her despite everything. She was jealous of me, in an exaggerated way, and she cared a lot about me. That's why I was shocked...

[once removed]

i think youve gotten really good advice and insight here.

i think the especially important thing is to drop your guard, and really listen to the reasons she gave for the breakup. it may break your heart to do so, but understanding where she is coming from is really paramount in getting her back.

[RichardLover55]

i think youve gotten really good advice and insight here.

i think the especially important thing is to drop your guard, and really listen to the reasons she gave for the breakup. it may break your heart to do so, but understanding where she is coming from is really paramount in getting her back.

Considering she told me that if she wouldn't leave me, I definitely would, it may be in self-defense. But I am not sure, in these cases what could be the reason ? Other phrases she said to me the days before the breakup are : "How do you stay with someone like me, I've become a burden to you", things like this. But if it was her fear of abandonment I wonder how I make her understand that I care, after telling me those things she left me telling me that she no longer felt the feeling she felt before, a classic phrase I imagine. I've read so many stories and it's one of the most common phrases these people are saying to break off a relationship.

[RichardLover55]

She also added that I had done nothing wrong and that she felt guilty, I don't know how to interpret it. If her fear was that I didn't really care about her, how could I prove to her otherwise ?
,

[RichardLover55]

What should i do ?

[once removed]

I've read so many stories and it's one of the most common phrases these people are saying to break off a relationship.

its a common saying from anyone who is having a difficult time ending a relationship. the common advice is to basically say "its not you, its me".

what im trying to get across is it sounds as if she was thinking of this for a while. in order to have a shot at this, youre going to need to dig through the hurt, and see this as she was seeing it, rather than how you were experiencing it at the time. unknown to you, the two of you were probably on really different pages. that was one of the hardest things for me to accept and face when i went through it myself.

she, more or less, gave you a "let him down easy" version of a breakup. it doesnt completely add up to you because there was more to it; she didnt want to drop all of that, partly because its really hurtful to be on the receiving end of, and its really not the most mature way to break up with someone to blame them for the relationship failure. she was trying, gently, to tell you shes not feeling it.

the way to reach her isnt to prove to her otherwise. it isnt to make her understand. its to put yourself in her shoes, as painful as that might be, see where she was coming from; that will tell you where this went wrong.

[RichardLover55]

its a common saying from anyone who is having a difficult time ending a relationship. the common advice is to basically say "its not you, its me".

what im trying to get across is it sounds as if she was thinking of this for a while. in order to have a shot at this, youre going to need to dig through the hurt, and see this as she was seeing it, rather than how you were experiencing it at the time. unknown to you, the two of you were probably on really different pages. that was one of the hardest things for me to accept and face when i went through it myself.

she, more or less, gave you a "let him down easy" version of a breakup. it doesnt completely add up to you because there was more to it; she didnt want to drop all of that, partly because its really hurtful to be on the receiving end of, and its really not the most mature way to break up with someone to blame them for the relationship failure. she was trying, gently, to tell you shes not feeling it.

the way to reach her isnt to prove to her otherwise. it isnt to make her understand. its to put yourself in her shoes, as painful as that might be, see where she was coming from; that will tell you where this went wrong.

She had no sympathy for my father and I am sure of that, I have a difficult situation at home and I try not to argue with my father so as not to cause trouble. I think she saw this thing as a lack of courage on my part, which is obviously not true. She also told me this thing when she complained about my father's insults, my father insulted her for leaving me without telling me anything. I apologized and I told her that I had confronted my father, but she kept telling me that I had no courage to face my father. In general I have done nothing wrong, I have always listened to her and supported her all these months. And I helped her at school, I honestly don't see where I went wrong. I always made her feel "protected", what she perceived was all in her head and what I said was not enough to change her beliefs. The intimate relationship was passionate and functional, even there were no problems. She hated me playing video games, but I don't think that's the reason. Or did she cheat on me with another guy and felt guilty, could this be a possibility ? We haven't texted each other since June 20, she keeps watching my social stories when I put them, but I don't. She put several states on his social media that could be related to me, I can't be sure. In September we will have to see each other again at school, unfortunately we are in the same class.

[RichardLover55]

It may be even if she felt trapped by the relationship, she asked me strange questions the days before she left. Questions such as : "but if you had to change cities for work what would you do" ? I told her that I would rather not if it could have been avoided, but even here it is too confusing. I believe that the cause is a set of mental films that came to her mind, it went from extreme jealousy, for exemple if she dreamed that i betrayed her with another girl, she would get mad at me in reality (so she cared about me), to states of paranoid anxiety where she asked me absurd questions. She told me that on the fourth of May when we met after the quaratine she was very much in love, then something changed in her... What? Maybe it's because of the lack of constancy of object. She told me that she didn't feel the love she used to, but she was still attracted to me physically. It will be curious to see how she will behave at school, she was jealous of me, I really want to see if seeing me interact with other women she doesn't want to take me back. I was hoping and still hope that she will contact me before school starts. Regardless of her social media accounts where she seemed to want attention from me, I didn't look for her.

[RichardLover55]

I'm very sick, I miss her so much. I wish she'd come back with me, I was fine with her despite her problems.

[Flightfar]

I'm so so sorry for your pain. I feel it too. I wish I had something to make it easier. For you and me.

It could be that she had a fear of engulfment?

[Flightfar]

I've read that people with BPD can also shift suddenly to feeling smothered and fearful of intimacy, which leads them to withdraw relationships.

[RichardLover55]

I'm so so sorry for your pain. I feel it too. I wish I had something to make it easier. For you and me.

It could be that she had a fear of engulfment?

Thanks for the support, I really feel alone in this period, because my friends do not understand. My father doesn't understand me, only those who've been there know what we're talking about. The thing that hurts me the most is being ignored by a person who told you he couldn't be without you, it's a scary counter-sense, I don't know what to do, I'm helpless.

[RichardLover55]

Update : she has removed all our photos from her facebook...

[Flightfar]

I know that especially now it feels like you won’t hear anything from her. But try to think from an outside perspective because it is very possible that it will happen. Let the time pass, and try to focus on your own well-being in the meantime. She will come back if it is meant to happen. I also feel the same at times, but then I try to think rationally as if I were someone outside. Time will certainly help, that she no longer feels negative feelings for you. Those feelings go away eventually.

[Harri]

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