My grown son was just diagnosed with BPD, ASPD, NA, Cluster B

[MSchael]

HI,

I've just watched the videos which Randi did with others back in 2011. I have read some other articles however, I'm in over my head. There's so much I don't know.

I am seriously struggling with this diagnosis just 2 days ago. Some of the comments the psychiatrist mentioned regarding his attitude, interactions, etc., were jaw dropping.

As a parent of an adult in his later 20's, I still want to help. Yet Dr.'s reference to "Greystone Rock" and what I read there, is going to be hard to do. I'm wired to help and not good at 'poker face' either.

The doctor is what lead me Randi's book (which I need to get) and this site.
I'm grateful this site exists.

If you have some advice or coping mechanisms, please don't hesitate.
He should be released from hospital today. I'm ill prepared.

Thanks in advance,

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi   and welcome  

You've come to the right place for support, parents here understand, you are not alone. A diagnosis can be jaw dropping, totally overwhelming,I (2015) and many here have been where you are right now, we're here for you.

Coping mechanisms, there are many. Right now breathe, it can help to take one day at a time.

My DD was hospitalised and diagnosed. Is this the first hospitalisation? How has your son taken the diagnosis... it's early days.

Glad you found us!

WDx

[MSchael]

Thank you very much for your kind reply.

You are right about the diagnosis and the weight of it all. I have so much I need to learn and how to protect myself too. I'm not sure still how to stop trying to help him. This as I understand, only feeds into his manipulation. As a father who's been raising him alone since 13, try to get him help for so long, that's going to be completely counter intuitive. I'm not sure how to really do this in life situations with him but, I understand the idea of it. With your own kids, how do you detach that much?

The doctor suggested the Greystone Rock method. After reading that, it seems like a very tall order.

This is his first proper hospitalization. Recent and reoccurring attempts of suicide have had him at the hospital but not kept there till this past weekend. Then the diagnosis was given Sunday. I'm still not sure if he has been told the diagnosis but I asked that he not leave till he was told by the psychiatrist.
He has had recent court ordered restrictions surround his ex-fiance and mother of his 2 children. However I found out that this incident was triggered by the news that she is now pregnant with someone else's child. It's only been maybe 4 months since they split and he was hoping they would get back together.

I'm glad I found you guys too!

[Sancho]

I keep coming back to your post because I am 'wired to help' too. I have been dealing with BPDD now for many years and have experienced most - not quite all - of the things others describe.

I didn't find validation helpful at all. It always sounded patronising, and had the effect of increasing the anger. So the last couple of years I have tried to walk beside her but keeping an emotional distance.

So I was fascinated by your 'greystone rock' comment and went looking for details. It seems to be recommended for relating to others who manipulate, but I think it is what I am searching for (perhaps slightly modified) in relation to dealing with BPDD! I know it is the best way to 'be' while the rages are happening - in my situation anyway - and it makes sense that it forces the person to make their own decisions and take the consequences. So just want to thank you for leading me on that path - I think it will be pretty helpful. In fact I have found myself muttering to myself 'greystone rock' to keep reminding me not to jump in with comments, help, suggestions and, most importantly, reactions.

[wendydarling]

MScheal

How did your son receive the diagnosis? Has it made any sense, to what's been happening... is there some recognition, a sliver of acceptance and that there is help there? 

This is helpful, it also mentions ASPD.
COMPARISON: Narcissistic Personality Disorder v BPD

You are wise to look further than greystone method, it's pretty surprising it was suggested to you at diagnosis, if at all. I can't find any clinically based evidence, just articles, it's a technique not recommended here . Sancho have you read about the downsides of greystone?

I'm not sure still how to stop trying to help him. This as I understand, only feeds into his manipulation. As a father who's been raising him alone since 13, try to get him help for so long, that's going to be completely counter intuitive. I'm not sure how to really do this in life situations with him but, I understand the idea of it. With your own kids, how do you detach that much?

You are right it feels counter intuitive, and some of the tools, skills you'll learn here too, they take time to learn and practice, practice, practice.

What Does It Mean To Detach with Love? Feel free to add your view here anytime, this has been a helpful discussion for many sharing experiences...

Have you considered signing up to the online Family Connections Programme?

How's things going MS?

WDx

[Sancho]

Hi WD. No I haven't read the downside. I just looked up an explanation of it. I suppose I see myself using an adapted version because in my situation I have found - finally and over a long period of trying heaps of other things - that small responses have the best outcome - ie there is less escalation and I am less knocked around emotionally. If you can recommend a site that outlines the disadvantages I'd really like to look at them. Thanks WD.