I Wish I Were a Better Liar

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I don't know where to begin. My husband has been struggling for years with symptoms of BPD, depression and anxiety for years.  I've done what I can to help him but nothing I do works. I'm not a life coach and I'm not a cheerleader.  I'm his wife.

I feel worn down.  I'm tired all the time and frequently have headaches and I tell him how I'm feeling and every single day it's like I've said it for the first time.  No concern, just "Oh, that's too bad." I get so tired of it I feel like screaming at him.

So, this morning, he has a therapy session. It's a video conferenece because of the pandemic, of course.  Now, I've been present (and involved in) his therapy at his request for more than 3 years.

So, I'm sitting next to him on our couch and he and his therapist start in by recounting what happened since the last session and my husband says that he thinks he's doing better because he participated in a conversation with me and our son last night. This is true and it IS worthy of noting because he has been so withdrawn that just taking part in a casual conversation like that was a significant step for him.

They go on discussing how he can use coping mechanisms to counter his negative thoughts and shame - his biggest stumbling block - and it all progressed positively and smoothly.  Exept when he told his therapist that he knew his coping mechanisms work because both his therapist and I have said so and he knows he can trust both of us.

I felt like I was biting my tongue through most of the session to begin with but when my husband said that, I just couldn't keep quiet.  "But, you don't trust me," I said.  And he doesn't. He stuggles with projection a lot.  Either he's twisting what I say to be critical of him instead of taking it at face value or he's deciding how I feel about him without listening to what I'm actually saying - or not saying, mostly. 

See, his therapist knows our history and has told me that I have a good outlook and am perseptive of what's going on in my husband's head and what he's doing to himself.  I just can't get any of that through.  We spend quite a bit of time trying to get my husband to rely on me for "reality checks" to help him see when he's overreacting to situations and such, but my husband just can't develop that trust.

So, anyway, back to today.  The session ends and I'm feeling like I want to pop.  There were a few things discussed but I felt more deeply affected by other things that happened that weren't brought up at all.  Hubby turns to me and says, "Well, that went really well, right?"  "Sure, " I respond but I wasn't able to keep the tention I was feeling from coming out and Hubby picked up on it right away. 

So, I tried to explain to him how it was a good session for him but not so much for me because nothing that has been concerning me got addressed but that was less important becuase the sessions are for HIM and as long as he's getting something out of it, that's important and we can work on the other stuff later.

This is EXACTLY the kind of thinking he struggles to accept and I know it.  He is an extremely black and white thinker and I was afraid that he wouldn't be able to accept what he would see as a flawed session as a good thing and given how he responeded, I am right.  So, I wish I was a better liar. 

I know I need to take all the small steps and celebrate and cherish each one.  And he  left today's session with a glimmer of hope which he hasn't allowed himself to have in a long time and I feel like I've crushed it. 

[Fyreb1rd]

I don't know where to begin. My husband has been struggling for years with symptoms of BPD, depression and anxiety for years.  I've done what I can to help him but nothing I do works. I'm not a life coach and I'm not a cheerleader.  I'm his wife.

I feel worn down.  I'm tired all the time and frequently have headaches and I tell him how I'm feeling and every single day it's like I've said it for the first time.  No concern, just "Oh, that's too bad." I get so tired of it I feel like screaming at him.

So, this morning, he has a therapy session. It's a video conferenece because of the pandemic, of course.  Now, I've been present (and involved in) his therapy at his request for more than 3 years.

So, I'm sitting next to him on our couch and he and his therapist start in by recounting what happened since the last session and my husband says that he thinks he's doing better because he participated in a conversation with me and our son last night. This is true and it IS worthy of noting because he has been so withdrawn that just taking part in a casual conversation like that was a significant step for him.

They go on discussing how he can use coping mechanisms to counter his negative thoughts and shame - his biggest stumbling block - and it all progressed positively and smoothly.  Exept when he told his therapist that he knew his coping mechanisms work because both his therapist and I have said so and he knows he can trust both of us.

I felt like I was biting my tongue through most of the session to begin with but when my husband said that, I just couldn't keep quiet.  "But, you don't trust me," I said.  And he doesn't. He stuggles with projection a lot.  Either he's twisting what I say to be critical of him instead of taking it at face value or he's deciding how I feel about him without listening to what I'm actually saying - or not saying, mostly. 

See, his therapist knows our history and has told me that I have a good outlook and am perseptive of what's going on in my husband's head and what he's doing to himself.  I just can't get any of that through.  We spend quite a bit of time trying to get my husband to rely on me for "reality checks" to help him see when he's overreacting to situations and such, but my husband just can't develop that trust.

So, anyway, back to today.  The session ends and I'm feeling like I want to pop.  There were a few things discussed but I felt more deeply affected by other things that happened that weren't brought up at all.  Hubby turns to me and says, "Well, that went really well, right?"  "Sure, " I respond but I wasn't able to keep the tention I was feeling from coming out and Hubby picked up on it right away. 

So, I tried to explain to him how it was a good session for him but not so much for me because nothing that has been concerning me got addressed but that was less important becuase the sessions are for HIM and as long as he's getting something out of it, that's important and we can work on the other stuff later.

This is EXACTLY the kind of thinking he struggles to accept and I know it.  He is an extremely black and white thinker and I was afraid that he wouldn't be able to accept what he would see as a flawed session as a good thing and given how he responeded, I am right.  So, I wish I was a better liar. 

I know I need to take all the small steps and celebrate and cherish each one.  And he  left today's session with a glimmer of hope which he hasn't allowed himself to have in a long time and I feel like I've crushed it. 

[formflier]

Do you guys ever have sessions that are "joint" or for purposes of the marriage?

I can totally imagine how frustrating it must be for you to be in "his" session and not see him "getting" the right stuff.  Have you ever discussed this with the therapist?

What do you think is the best way forward?

Best,

FF

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Fyreb1rd and thank you for sharing. I know from personal experience how difficult one-sided therapy sessions with a BPD partner be.

May I ask if you have a counselor for yourself or a friend or relative you can share this frustration with? I ask because partners of pwBPD have a far heavier emotional burden to bear in the relationship than those with non-BPD partners, one of the reasons being you can't really be completely honest with YOUR feelings a lot of the time or have them prioritized. You really need to have a strong support network of people who can fully take on your feelings.

~ROE