Can't get her out of my mind, was she BPD/narc?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

My ex has not been formally diagnosed with BPD or any type of Cluster B disorders as of yet; but it was only after breaking up that I felt the singularity of how uncannily she fits the profile. Inherently, I never felt her intentions were malicious, but definitely troubled. I'm not grieving with tears or anything, but I cannot stop thinking about her. She always had trouble displaying emotional "closeness" until I was literally in bed with her. And I never perceived her as evil. I was conversely accepting even her negative outburst until now.

Background Facts:
- We've know each other for 2 years, were together for the past 7 months.
- We're both the same age (28), she's been in around 8-9 relationships while I've only been in one long term one before.
- Her mother definitely suffers from BPD, and is referred to as the main catalyst for a traumatic childhood that included a suicide attempt (from her mother). She has a constant fear and disdain for becoming like her.
- At the same time, she uses a lot of platitudes given by her mother to explain psychology such as "There are two kinds of people, strong and weak".  
- Her father conversely has always been hardened and emotionally absent.
- The family is overall very wealthy, and she has a lot of material comfort/privilege in life.
- We both had a nice "working" partnership, co-authoring articles together

The Unraveling:
We are both graduate students that met in NY. She also happens to be from Europe. After about six months, when COVID-19 dawned, she felt isolated and empty, and eventually chose to return to her home country for a month. During that month, she disclosed her uncertainty about wanting to return, how sometimes I made her feel "trapped", but finally that she'd do so because she "wanted to be here for my birthday". During the flight back, she asked me if I had bought myself some clothes she had recommended for me. It took me by surprise, it was a month-old topic, I lied stupidly that I did because I didn't want to disappoint her (there would never be any way for her to know, I procrastinated that I could get them at any time). She suspected the lie, called me things like "cheap", "childish", and how she "had no problem being single", it triggered an extended and circular argument that eventually caused our breakup.

I couldn't understand how such a relatively small thing could lead to such radical outcome. I grieved for a week while we clarified our situation, and the consensus between us was that she needed space. She disclosed that she needed space even before leaving to her country the first time. That she needed a few months back in her country --again-- to weather the "uncertainty". While I always tried to reason how her situation was optimal given the current pandemic and job circumstances (she has a generous job and paid-off apartment in the city), she always framed it as if it wasn't.

So after going through what I considered as some sort of acceptance, I cherish that I can at least remain friends with her. Since her time was limited before flying back to Europe again, there was an aura that we should hang out a few times (as friends). For me this wasn't an issue at all, and for a couple of outings, I perceived it as fine. Then came my birthday -- she was hosting a me and a mutual friend, and before he came, she picked a fight with me over how I didn't bring the "correct diversity of cold cuts" (these were never specified to begin with). Like some of our fights before, this one came out of nowhere, she started by giving me a silent treatment and proceed by passive aggressively saying how she was gonna have to go to the corner-store to fix it, as I was apparently disrespecting the traditional complexity of the meal she was making, which she maintained was very important. She eventually apologized because it was my birthday, but it didn't really seem very genuine in retrospect.

The day after, we text in the normal friendly capacity we always do, and she abruptly says in one text that we shouldn't be seeing each other much (after having planned a couple of outings for her final week here); That our friendliness, which was draftet under her terms, didn't feel like "friendliness", because it felt like "before" (before, there was touching, flattering, and of course, intimacy), at best, there was still flattery. She further complained how our constant arguing bothered her a lot, despite these being started by her over such simple things as mentioned before. Initially I wasn't sure how to handle this, because in my mind we were just friends. Earlier that day, her best friend in Europe broke-up with her own partner, and two other important female friends were undergoing "personal crises".

It stung me initially that she said our constant arguing was the main reasoning as to why she wanted more complete distance. In my mind it becomes a good idea to tell her how a lot of what we've been arguing has been me "walking over eggshells" and feeling tense out of fear of setting her off. I decide to recite the majority of our fights where this was the case, and even some contradictory behavior. I even, perhaps in poor taste, conjure the similarities with her mother. I did this because I assumed it would 'help' her realize in the ensuing months that these were largely her raging over little things. I also did so knowing fully well how hypersensitive she was to criticism. I was promptly given the silent treatment and ghosted for a couple of days, until I asked her if she was okay, and how I realized some of my stuff could have been better communicated. Her only reply was "please stop messaging me", I responded by agreeing that I would do that, and with an added comment cherishing our experience, but she otherwise didn't block me.

This came as a bigger puzzle than the breakup itself. And while I believe the hard grieving has been over since that event happened, I can't get her out of my mind now. I've recited our entire relationship multiple times, and I keep finding out how much of her negative traits resemble a mix of narcissism and BPD.

Some of the fights & clues:
- How she raged at me for leaving some leftover "expensive" cheese on the plate during a meal -- defending her reasoning with such things like the huge trouble her family had gone through to smuggle it into the US.
- Passive aggressively got mad that I didn't persist in asking her if she needed help cleaning up one time -- saying how I reminded her of a certain relative who was sexist
- A whole rant about alcoholism and how one should never "drink alone" because I once asked if I could drink a beer
- How I reminded her X boyfriend who was lazy
- A lot of name-calling during fights
- One-upping my lamentations about myself or just outright creating her own out little sense (i.e. her return trip to see me being a 'sacrifice' for me).

All of these were the kinds of situations where I just couldn't even comprehend how they started. Some were so ridiculous I wouldn't have imagined they'd be possible. She was also much quicker to recover from fights, while I was oftentimes left in tears because of the toll they'd take. For the entire duration, I always felt a bit tense even when apart. And these tensions eased when we texted goodnight, and I knew things were "good". I know it was foolish for me to invest myself so much, as I became attracted to her life itself.

Coming out of this, I am still a bit in shock - not because of the breakup, but what seems to be our friendship. I did legitimately live some of the best moments in my life with her. And I'm just wondering how I should even proceed. Is she "gone"? I realize that this is probably  still the right thing to hope for according to consensus, but I just can't be sure. I still wish the best for her, and want to clarify that either I could have made my point about her traits much more politely, and that I don't consider her to be a horrible person (she always said she was "destined to make people suffer).

Apologies for the length, thank you.

[Walkingmind]

My ex has not been formally diagnosed with BPD or any type of Cluster B disorders as of yet; but it was only after breaking up that I felt the singularity of how uncannily she fits the profile. Inherently, I never felt her intentions were malicious, but definitely troubled. I'm not grieving with tears or anything, but I cannot stop thinking about her. She always had trouble displaying emotional "closeness" until I was literally in bed with her. And I never perceived her as evil. I was conversely accepting even her negative outburst until now.

Background Facts:
- We've know each other for 2 years, were together for the past 7 months.
- We're both the same age (28), she's been in around 8-9 relationships while I've only been in one long term one before.
- Her mother definitely suffers from BPD, and is referred to as the main catalyst for a traumatic childhood that included a suicide attempt (from her mother). She has a constant fear and disdain for becoming like her.
- At the same time, she uses a lot of platitudes given by her mother to explain psychology such as "There are two kinds of people, strong and weak".  
- Her father conversely has always been hardened and emotionally absent.
- The family is overall very wealthy, and she has a lot of material comfort/privilege in life.
- We both had a nice "working" partnership, co-authoring articles together

The Unraveling:
We are both graduate students that met in NY. She also happens to be from Europe. After about six months, when COVID-19 dawned, she felt isolated and empty, and eventually chose to return to her home country for a month. During that month, she disclosed her uncertainty about wanting to return, how sometimes I made her feel "trapped", but finally that she'd do so because she "wanted to be here for my birthday". During the flight back, she asked me if I had bought myself some clothes she had recommended for me. It took me by surprise, it was a month-old topic, I lied stupidly that I did because I didn't want to disappoint her (there would never be any way for her to know, I procrastinated that I could get them at any time). She suspected the lie, called me things like "cheap", "childish", and how she "had no problem being single", it triggered an extended and circular argument that eventually caused our breakup.

I couldn't understand how such a relatively small thing could lead to such radical outcome. I grieved for a week while we clarified our situation, and the consensus between us was that she needed space. She disclosed that she needed space even before leaving to her country the first time. That she needed a few months back in her country --again-- to weather the "uncertainty". While I always tried to reason how her situation was optimal given the current pandemic and job circumstances (she has a generous job and paid-off apartment in the city), she always framed it as if it wasn't.

So after going through what I considered as some sort of acceptance, I cherish that I can at least remain friends with her. Since her time was limited before flying back to Europe again, there was an aura that we should hang out a few times (as friends). For me this wasn't an issue at all, and for a couple of outings, I perceived it as fine. Then came my birthday -- she was hosting a me and a mutual friend, and before he came, she picked a fight with me over how I didn't bring the "correct diversity of cold cuts" (these were never specified to begin with). Like some of our fights before, this one came out of nowhere, she started by giving me a silent treatment and proceed by passive aggressively saying how she was gonna have to go to the corner-store to fix it, as I was apparently disrespecting the traditional complexity of the meal she was making, which she maintained was very important. She eventually apologized because it was my birthday, but it didn't really seem very genuine in retrospect.

The day after, we text in the normal friendly capacity we always do, and she abruptly says in one text that we shouldn't be seeing each other much (after having planned a couple of outings for her final week here); That our friendliness, which was draftet under her terms, didn't feel like "friendliness", because it felt like "before" (before, there was touching, flattering, and of course, intimacy), at best, there was still flattery. She further complained how our constant arguing bothered her a lot, despite these being started by her over such simple things as mentioned before. Initially I wasn't sure how to handle this, because in my mind we were just friends. Earlier that day, her best friend in Europe broke-up with her own partner, and two other important female friends were undergoing "personal crises".

It stung me initially that she said our constant arguing was the main reasoning as to why she wanted more complete distance. In my mind it becomes a good idea to tell her how a lot of what we've been arguing has been me "walking over eggshells" and feeling tense out of fear of setting her off. I decide to recite the majority of our fights where this was the case, and even some contradictory behavior. I even, perhaps in poor taste, conjure the similarities with her mother. I did this because I assumed it would 'help' her realize in the ensuing months that these were largely her raging over little things. I also did so knowing fully well how hypersensitive she was to criticism. I was promptly given the silent treatment and ghosted for a couple of days, until I asked her if she was okay, and how I realized some of my stuff could have been better communicated. Her only reply was "please stop messaging me", I responded by agreeing that I would do that, and with an added comment cherishing our experience, but she otherwise didn't block me.

This came as a bigger puzzle than the breakup itself. And while I believe the hard grieving has been over since that event happened, I can't get her out of my mind now. I've recited our entire relationship multiple times, and I keep finding out how much of her negative traits resemble a mix of narcissism and BPD.

Some of the fights & clues:
- How she raged at me for leaving some leftover "expensive" cheese on the plate during a meal -- defending her reasoning with such things like the huge trouble her family had gone through to smuggle it into the US.
- Passive aggressively got mad that I didn't persist in asking her if she needed help cleaning up one time -- saying how I reminded her of a certain relative who was sexist
- A whole rant about alcoholism and how one should never "drink alone" because I once asked if I could drink a beer
- How I reminded her X boyfriend who was lazy
- A lot of name-calling during fights
- One-upping my lamentations about myself or just outright creating her own out little sense (i.e. her return trip to see me being a 'sacrifice' for me).

All of these were the kinds of situations where I just couldn't even comprehend how they started. Some were so ridiculous I wouldn't have imagined they'd be possible. She was also much quicker to recover from fights, while I was oftentimes left in tears because of the toll they'd take. For the entire duration, I always felt a bit tense even when apart. And these tensions eased when we texted goodnight, and I knew things were "good". I know it was foolish for me to invest myself so much, as I became attracted to her life itself.

Coming out of this, I am still a bit in shock - not because of the breakup, but what seems to be our friendship. I did legitimately live some of the best moments in my life with her. And I'm just wondering how I should even proceed. Is she "gone"? I realize that this is probably  still the right thing to hope for according to consensus, but I just can't be sure. I still wish the best for her, and want to clarify that either I could have made my point about her traits much more politely, and that I don't consider her to be a horrible person (she always said she was "destined to make people suffer).

Apologies for the length, thank you.

[Football2000]

It seems like at this point you are looking more for understanding than anything else. She sounds quite irritable, hypersensitive, and controlling at times. However, I don't think she has BPD, keeping in mind that I've never met her obviously nor am I a psychologist, .

However, one of the key clues to BPD is unstable self identity, unstable affect, ideation to devaluation, etc. Your ex doesn't sound like she fluctuates at all, either in her sense of self or affect. It's much more like she's just either stably irritated or normal sometimes. Obviously there are issues but they might be quite different than BPD ones.

[FindingMe2011]

Sorry to hear you are struggling. It does get better and with a better understanding of the illness and the dynamics you played Im sure you can get some answers that you are looking for.

I realize that this is probably  still the right thing to hope for according to consensus, but I just can't be sure.

What exactly is the right thing to hope for?

(she always said she was "destined to make people suffer).

Not much to contradict this statement. probably the most truthful comment she ever made to you. i have to ask. What could be your attraction to this? its the process. Diagnose the r/s. Then the partner. And then HOPEFULLY you get to you. This is where all the answers lie. I wish you well, Peace

[clvrnn]

Hello,

From the small snippet you have written regarding her childhood, it sounds as if she subsequently developed a type of personality defect. If her father was absent, it is likely that her mother became emotionally dependent on her - which is unhealthy and known as an 'Inverted Parenting Model' in which the mother and child are enmeshed with each other. The suicide attempt may have scarred her, in that she has an inner fear of the loss of a secure figure, and she may have continuously felt "not good enough" for her father. All of this will move into her adult romantic relationships.

To say that she has BPD or not I think would require more knowledge of her as a person, but it seems likely, based on what you have written about her childhood and relationship patterns. It's unlikely that someone coming out of a dynamic such as that will be emotionally stable.