5 months later

[l8kgrl]

Hi all, it's been 5 months now since my breakup and I'm doing so much better. Thought I would share that in case anyone who's fresh out of a situation needs some hope.

I still feel sad sometimes, still cry a little, still think of him more than I'd like, and am still trying to let go of what I had hoped things could be. I've started dating again and met a couple people who seem great. I'm taking things very slowly (also necessary with Covid) and find myself feeling much more guarded and wary. I hate feeling so untrusting. On the positive side, I think I've become much more careful about looking at potential partners more objectively. I refuse to ignore anything that raises questions for me. I know where that leads. I've already chosen not to continue getting to know 2 people who had situations that didn't work for me (one lives too far away, one is financially unstable, which after supporting my ex-bf I just can't deal with right now). It feels good to be able to say (to myself), "nope, that doesn't work for me!" In the past I would have hemmed and hawed and tried to make it fit somehow.

I hope that as I learn to trust myself more, I won't feel so scared and distrusting of people's motivations.

I read a book about abusive relationships and found it very helpful. I think I've been a little obsessive reading various books but it helps me to try to understand things. It was also necessary to just sit in the pain, which fortunately/unfortunately was impossible to avoid during lockdown. With distance I've been able to see better how controlling he was, emotionally manipulative, psychologically abusive.

It blows my mind that I still sometimes miss someone like that. I'm trying to accept that too.

Addiction to the drama of it all is a real thing. It becomes a rollercoaster that's hard to get off of even when it's making you sick to your stomach.

Anyway, I hope all you lovely people are doing ok through this very stressful time!

[BDR]

Thank you for sharing . I am starting divorce process ( after 20 years marriage -non contested after multiple addictions including sex), I am only communicating through e mail very sparingly. Today she mentioned just a separation because she is getting her life back together to prove to me and the girls she can be a better wife and mother . Its so sad and difficult for me , part of me wants to wait but as the front page of this website states - personality disorders are not short term but long term usually life long patterns of distorted thinking. I have 20 + years proof , yet part of me wants to leave the door open. I asked a friend if it would be bad for me to become one of the people she rendezvous with and not be the husband , but I know that would end up a mess .

[l8kgrl]

BDR, I’m sorry for what you’re going through. 20 years is a long time. Be gentle with yourself - it’s a process.

There’s lots of great support here and people who get it. We’re glad you’re here!

[janelley]

thanks for sharing. I'm coming up to 60 days no contact after two years of up and down absolute rollercoaster trauma and I really need to hear that it fades, gets easier, feels less like I've lost my soulmate and will eventually occupy less of my brain. thank you l8kgrl 

[l8kgrl]

Janelley, glad it was helpful. It's a process for sure...but you will get stronger. I love that this community can help us feel less alone.